Last saturday night, i had one of the toughest conversations of my life. when you really love people and you really love God and the people you love don't agree with the God you love, it hurts. A lot.
I think conversations like last saturday's are pretty much absolutely essential for the growth of people who call themselves christians. I am starting to believe that without those conversations, follows of Jesus (like me) won't be able to grow right. Maybe you will grow, but you probably grow stunted. Stunted and slowly. Conversations like last weeks speed you up, make you grow right and straight. But with growth, pain.
Let me start where it starts. Last saturday came after weeks of prayer. Prayer that God would use me outside of my comfortable christians circles, outside of my consistent busyness, beyond the place i had been for so many months. And i am telling you, God answers prayers. Me and my new guy were meeting with a couple of dear friends for dinner downtown. After light introductory banter, laughter, beer analysis, and some fine conversation, my self and my friend somehow landed on the topic of individuality vs group mentality. As my friend spoke of groups, he brought up Christianity as an example of a group mentality. He, not being a Christian, had some criticisms for the way christanity approached individualism and disliked the way that Christians claimed to be "one" without recognizing the deep complexities of the individual. This quickly developed into an intense, often heated, discussion of Christianity.
As my friend spoke openly about his dislike for many aspects of the Christian faith and the idea of there even being a God at all, I could feel my heart quicken. It's pace slowly but surely fastened and i told it, "no, heart, this won't be one of those conversations, no need to get all worked up... this will get solved soon here and we will move on to easier topics..." But i was wrong.
With my heart rater increasing, my friend began to broach the idea/problem of christians claiming to have the exclusive knowledge of the way to heaven, and even questioned whether there was a heaven or afterlife at all, or if it was just a selfish way for us to look beyond the life we are given now and hope for something more. Other ideas brought up were the bible as myth- a good set of ways to live, but questionable as an actual account of history; the existence of God as an outward projection of our inner moral standards; the difference between the God of the Old Testament and New Testament; Jesus forgiving everyone vs. just those who believe in him now. I feel like i want to address all of these ideas in indivdual blogs, which i might do-- but for now, i want to give the story of the night. Maybe at some point we can dive in and you all can give me your thoughts.
So, as my friend brought up these ideas, I felt like i was swimming/drowning-- trying to keep my head afloat. You see, my friend is quite smart-- very articulate, very passionate. As he brought each of these things up one by one, i felt so inadequate to even begin trying to get into a deeper discussion of the points he was making. To some of what he said, i was able to engage him and try to give an answer to what he was questioning, but for so many things, i just had to admit to not completely understanding it all.
One of the major realizations that i had during this conversation was the idea that christianity is seen by so many people outside of the church as a series of moral ideals or rules. That by following a set of moral codes, one can earn their way into good graces with God and therefore get into heaven. And beyond this moral standard, there is not much more to christianity than a judgemental finger pointing at most of society and an agressive political agenda that alienates more than unites people (though i guess those two things can be put under the morality heading). A defining moment of the night was when my friend point blank asked me the most difficult question i think i ever have to answer: if he lives his whole life as a good person, living by the standards Jesus lays out for life but not necessarily believing that Jesus was the savior and the only way to eternal life, was Jesus going to deny him a place in heaven when he died? Even now, its hard to breathe and hard to think about that answer.
As insane as it sounds, and as little sense as it makes to my finite little mind, i don't think morality gets us into God's good graces and i don't think being a good person is what is most imporant in life. I hate that this concept has become a bit of a christianese catchphrase, but i know no other way than this to describe it.... its not about rules, its about relationship. From what i can understand and what stands up to experience and what is laid out in scripture, God cares first about our relationship with him, is primarily concerned with us loving him and desiring him and having faith in him. out of this relationship, our morality is formed, our being a "good person" comes into play.
Trying to articulate this idea of having a relationship with an invisible God who is outside of time and space is not easy. I felt crazy trying to explain it to my friend, who seemed both angry with my seemingly pat answer and confused at why his friend, whom he had known for 8 years, would answer that yes, she believed in a God who would not accept him without him having put faith in Jesus during his time on earth.
ah, this kills me, just writing it out. i am aware that anyone could read these words, even my friends from that night, and be angered, confused, disillusioned with what i am saying here. and i question the sanity of it all, sometimes. i mean, who hasn't? but somehow, in these last 6 years of living in relationship with God and trying to love him and lay down my life to be used as his,
i realize the truth that my ways are not his ways, my thoughts are not his thoughts.
more soon....
Friday, March 24, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
more on illumination
Oh man, i SO should not be up right now. I am at the point of near exhaustion, after almost 2 weeks without a day off... oh man, oh man, Jesus help me.
BUT, i couldn’t not stay up and write... its always times like this that one feels most inspired and most fired up to let these writerly thoughts flow out... or maybe not even writerly so much as just EXCITED, INSPIRED, EAGER for more. Let me try to explain.
Tonight, i had my community group, which has been going now for about 5 months. In the beginning, it was kind of an awkward group and i had very little hope it would grow into anything substantial. I actually remember lamenting this fact to my mentor, worrying over the way it was going, fretting that it would just be sort of uncomfortable and surface forever. And God, in all his stinkin amazing wisdom and mercy, has literally created the most beautiful little family unit in this group and it is so dear to my heart in such a special, unique way, its really hard to put it down in words.
Tonight was just a perfect example of how beautiful everything is, how illuminated it all becomes when God does his thing in a group of willing people. I came to group so tired (and so tired, i couldn’t even really muster up enough energy to complain about being tired) and not having much of an idea of how the group would go. I had read up on Ephesians 4 and wanted to have an in depth, insightful study with everyone. But i couldn’t see how this would work. I was SO tired, and everyone else seemed pretty beat, too.
But as we all collected in Josh’s little living room and the buzz of conversation went on around me, i began to realize that despite my own “leadership”, there is so much more going on than me simply leading a discussion and us reading our Bibles. We all sort of languidly began sharing about our weeks, the highlights, the lowlights, the funny little idiosyncrasy’s, the lessons we were learning. It was quiet at times and talkative at others. Energy ebbed and flowed around and we sort of sat glowing. Maxwell shared about his theory on “acorns as spiritual gifts” metaphor and then did a little freestyle rapping about it, which made us all giggle and smile big smiles.
We opened up the 2nd half of Ephesians 4 and read. We began digging through the text and in time, it, too, was illuminated. Watching each person contribute to the discussion, adding their insight, experience, thoughts, it became apparent that God was at work. What I LOVE about this realization is that is the most subtle realization, it is the softest sentiment, the simplest shift... and you can just feel it go. Each person builds on the other, we all talk, add something, ideas are formed and expanded. As we sift through the meaning and talked through the themes, the truths, the realities of these words, I think everyone was taking away what they needed. It wasn’t one of those where everyone got onto the same page and we all came to the same conclusion or “application point”... it was all much more organic, raw. You just knew God was working it out in each of us.
And then...
...you begin watching everyone get quiet... but in a good way: a thoughtful, in-going quiet. A changing silence. And the glow of that. Ah, it’s a clear picture in my mind and it’s so sweet.
As we slowed down and let it all sink in, people began to get a bit vulnerable with where they were. Sharing struggles about families who denied the faith or who won’t give it a chance. Friends who can’t seem to understand, health problems that seem hopeless. Unspoken needs that can get lifted in the calling out to Him in our hearts when we pray as a group. And as we did pray together, the sweetness kept coming—not a sickening sweet, but one you savor. Amen.
After praying, we all sat around and talked about what the group meant to us. And a lot was said, and so much more could be said. I can’t quite put it all down here and now, but this is special. And this is church. I work for a church, and what we do Sunday’s is church. But this, THIS, this, its church in such a new way, such a vital way, such a needed way. I pray every group who meets could experience even a sliver of what goes on in our group. And what’s better, is that I don’t even think we have reached the best of what is to come. This is family. This is love.
I know that sometimes we can question why we are even here at all. What did God put us on earth for in the first place? There will always be someone to lead a study, someone to be part of a discussion, someone to be in a group. And maybe we won’t know our reasons in the end, maybe it won’t ever make perfect sense, the reasons. But all i know is that i wouldn’t miss nights like tonight for anything. I wouldn’t want someone else in my place tonight. I would hope everyone would have a chance to experience tonight, but i wouldn’t want to miss out on it. Something intricate and something big has brought me right to where i am: that divine plan has me where i am right now. Who am I to question that? Who am I to miss out on times like this, people like this, love like you find in nights like tonight?
Ah, live it- live it...
what are you waiting for?
BUT, i couldn’t not stay up and write... its always times like this that one feels most inspired and most fired up to let these writerly thoughts flow out... or maybe not even writerly so much as just EXCITED, INSPIRED, EAGER for more. Let me try to explain.
Tonight, i had my community group, which has been going now for about 5 months. In the beginning, it was kind of an awkward group and i had very little hope it would grow into anything substantial. I actually remember lamenting this fact to my mentor, worrying over the way it was going, fretting that it would just be sort of uncomfortable and surface forever. And God, in all his stinkin amazing wisdom and mercy, has literally created the most beautiful little family unit in this group and it is so dear to my heart in such a special, unique way, its really hard to put it down in words.
Tonight was just a perfect example of how beautiful everything is, how illuminated it all becomes when God does his thing in a group of willing people. I came to group so tired (and so tired, i couldn’t even really muster up enough energy to complain about being tired) and not having much of an idea of how the group would go. I had read up on Ephesians 4 and wanted to have an in depth, insightful study with everyone. But i couldn’t see how this would work. I was SO tired, and everyone else seemed pretty beat, too.
But as we all collected in Josh’s little living room and the buzz of conversation went on around me, i began to realize that despite my own “leadership”, there is so much more going on than me simply leading a discussion and us reading our Bibles. We all sort of languidly began sharing about our weeks, the highlights, the lowlights, the funny little idiosyncrasy’s, the lessons we were learning. It was quiet at times and talkative at others. Energy ebbed and flowed around and we sort of sat glowing. Maxwell shared about his theory on “acorns as spiritual gifts” metaphor and then did a little freestyle rapping about it, which made us all giggle and smile big smiles.
We opened up the 2nd half of Ephesians 4 and read. We began digging through the text and in time, it, too, was illuminated. Watching each person contribute to the discussion, adding their insight, experience, thoughts, it became apparent that God was at work. What I LOVE about this realization is that is the most subtle realization, it is the softest sentiment, the simplest shift... and you can just feel it go. Each person builds on the other, we all talk, add something, ideas are formed and expanded. As we sift through the meaning and talked through the themes, the truths, the realities of these words, I think everyone was taking away what they needed. It wasn’t one of those where everyone got onto the same page and we all came to the same conclusion or “application point”... it was all much more organic, raw. You just knew God was working it out in each of us.
And then...
...you begin watching everyone get quiet... but in a good way: a thoughtful, in-going quiet. A changing silence. And the glow of that. Ah, it’s a clear picture in my mind and it’s so sweet.
As we slowed down and let it all sink in, people began to get a bit vulnerable with where they were. Sharing struggles about families who denied the faith or who won’t give it a chance. Friends who can’t seem to understand, health problems that seem hopeless. Unspoken needs that can get lifted in the calling out to Him in our hearts when we pray as a group. And as we did pray together, the sweetness kept coming—not a sickening sweet, but one you savor. Amen.
After praying, we all sat around and talked about what the group meant to us. And a lot was said, and so much more could be said. I can’t quite put it all down here and now, but this is special. And this is church. I work for a church, and what we do Sunday’s is church. But this, THIS, this, its church in such a new way, such a vital way, such a needed way. I pray every group who meets could experience even a sliver of what goes on in our group. And what’s better, is that I don’t even think we have reached the best of what is to come. This is family. This is love.
I know that sometimes we can question why we are even here at all. What did God put us on earth for in the first place? There will always be someone to lead a study, someone to be part of a discussion, someone to be in a group. And maybe we won’t know our reasons in the end, maybe it won’t ever make perfect sense, the reasons. But all i know is that i wouldn’t miss nights like tonight for anything. I wouldn’t want someone else in my place tonight. I would hope everyone would have a chance to experience tonight, but i wouldn’t want to miss out on it. Something intricate and something big has brought me right to where i am: that divine plan has me where i am right now. Who am I to question that? Who am I to miss out on times like this, people like this, love like you find in nights like tonight?
Ah, live it- live it...
what are you waiting for?
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