"what is the blooming tincture of the skin
to peace of mind and harmony within
what bright sparkling of first eye
to the soft soothing of calm reply"
i found that on the back of a gospel cd over easter weekend. it soothes me in all the insanity.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Friday, March 24, 2006
conversations, not conversions - part 1
Last saturday night, i had one of the toughest conversations of my life. when you really love people and you really love God and the people you love don't agree with the God you love, it hurts. A lot.
I think conversations like last saturday's are pretty much absolutely essential for the growth of people who call themselves christians. I am starting to believe that without those conversations, follows of Jesus (like me) won't be able to grow right. Maybe you will grow, but you probably grow stunted. Stunted and slowly. Conversations like last weeks speed you up, make you grow right and straight. But with growth, pain.
Let me start where it starts. Last saturday came after weeks of prayer. Prayer that God would use me outside of my comfortable christians circles, outside of my consistent busyness, beyond the place i had been for so many months. And i am telling you, God answers prayers. Me and my new guy were meeting with a couple of dear friends for dinner downtown. After light introductory banter, laughter, beer analysis, and some fine conversation, my self and my friend somehow landed on the topic of individuality vs group mentality. As my friend spoke of groups, he brought up Christianity as an example of a group mentality. He, not being a Christian, had some criticisms for the way christanity approached individualism and disliked the way that Christians claimed to be "one" without recognizing the deep complexities of the individual. This quickly developed into an intense, often heated, discussion of Christianity.
As my friend spoke openly about his dislike for many aspects of the Christian faith and the idea of there even being a God at all, I could feel my heart quicken. It's pace slowly but surely fastened and i told it, "no, heart, this won't be one of those conversations, no need to get all worked up... this will get solved soon here and we will move on to easier topics..." But i was wrong.
With my heart rater increasing, my friend began to broach the idea/problem of christians claiming to have the exclusive knowledge of the way to heaven, and even questioned whether there was a heaven or afterlife at all, or if it was just a selfish way for us to look beyond the life we are given now and hope for something more. Other ideas brought up were the bible as myth- a good set of ways to live, but questionable as an actual account of history; the existence of God as an outward projection of our inner moral standards; the difference between the God of the Old Testament and New Testament; Jesus forgiving everyone vs. just those who believe in him now. I feel like i want to address all of these ideas in indivdual blogs, which i might do-- but for now, i want to give the story of the night. Maybe at some point we can dive in and you all can give me your thoughts.
So, as my friend brought up these ideas, I felt like i was swimming/drowning-- trying to keep my head afloat. You see, my friend is quite smart-- very articulate, very passionate. As he brought each of these things up one by one, i felt so inadequate to even begin trying to get into a deeper discussion of the points he was making. To some of what he said, i was able to engage him and try to give an answer to what he was questioning, but for so many things, i just had to admit to not completely understanding it all.
One of the major realizations that i had during this conversation was the idea that christianity is seen by so many people outside of the church as a series of moral ideals or rules. That by following a set of moral codes, one can earn their way into good graces with God and therefore get into heaven. And beyond this moral standard, there is not much more to christianity than a judgemental finger pointing at most of society and an agressive political agenda that alienates more than unites people (though i guess those two things can be put under the morality heading). A defining moment of the night was when my friend point blank asked me the most difficult question i think i ever have to answer: if he lives his whole life as a good person, living by the standards Jesus lays out for life but not necessarily believing that Jesus was the savior and the only way to eternal life, was Jesus going to deny him a place in heaven when he died? Even now, its hard to breathe and hard to think about that answer.
As insane as it sounds, and as little sense as it makes to my finite little mind, i don't think morality gets us into God's good graces and i don't think being a good person is what is most imporant in life. I hate that this concept has become a bit of a christianese catchphrase, but i know no other way than this to describe it.... its not about rules, its about relationship. From what i can understand and what stands up to experience and what is laid out in scripture, God cares first about our relationship with him, is primarily concerned with us loving him and desiring him and having faith in him. out of this relationship, our morality is formed, our being a "good person" comes into play.
Trying to articulate this idea of having a relationship with an invisible God who is outside of time and space is not easy. I felt crazy trying to explain it to my friend, who seemed both angry with my seemingly pat answer and confused at why his friend, whom he had known for 8 years, would answer that yes, she believed in a God who would not accept him without him having put faith in Jesus during his time on earth.
ah, this kills me, just writing it out. i am aware that anyone could read these words, even my friends from that night, and be angered, confused, disillusioned with what i am saying here. and i question the sanity of it all, sometimes. i mean, who hasn't? but somehow, in these last 6 years of living in relationship with God and trying to love him and lay down my life to be used as his,
i realize the truth that my ways are not his ways, my thoughts are not his thoughts.
more soon....
I think conversations like last saturday's are pretty much absolutely essential for the growth of people who call themselves christians. I am starting to believe that without those conversations, follows of Jesus (like me) won't be able to grow right. Maybe you will grow, but you probably grow stunted. Stunted and slowly. Conversations like last weeks speed you up, make you grow right and straight. But with growth, pain.
Let me start where it starts. Last saturday came after weeks of prayer. Prayer that God would use me outside of my comfortable christians circles, outside of my consistent busyness, beyond the place i had been for so many months. And i am telling you, God answers prayers. Me and my new guy were meeting with a couple of dear friends for dinner downtown. After light introductory banter, laughter, beer analysis, and some fine conversation, my self and my friend somehow landed on the topic of individuality vs group mentality. As my friend spoke of groups, he brought up Christianity as an example of a group mentality. He, not being a Christian, had some criticisms for the way christanity approached individualism and disliked the way that Christians claimed to be "one" without recognizing the deep complexities of the individual. This quickly developed into an intense, often heated, discussion of Christianity.
As my friend spoke openly about his dislike for many aspects of the Christian faith and the idea of there even being a God at all, I could feel my heart quicken. It's pace slowly but surely fastened and i told it, "no, heart, this won't be one of those conversations, no need to get all worked up... this will get solved soon here and we will move on to easier topics..." But i was wrong.
With my heart rater increasing, my friend began to broach the idea/problem of christians claiming to have the exclusive knowledge of the way to heaven, and even questioned whether there was a heaven or afterlife at all, or if it was just a selfish way for us to look beyond the life we are given now and hope for something more. Other ideas brought up were the bible as myth- a good set of ways to live, but questionable as an actual account of history; the existence of God as an outward projection of our inner moral standards; the difference between the God of the Old Testament and New Testament; Jesus forgiving everyone vs. just those who believe in him now. I feel like i want to address all of these ideas in indivdual blogs, which i might do-- but for now, i want to give the story of the night. Maybe at some point we can dive in and you all can give me your thoughts.
So, as my friend brought up these ideas, I felt like i was swimming/drowning-- trying to keep my head afloat. You see, my friend is quite smart-- very articulate, very passionate. As he brought each of these things up one by one, i felt so inadequate to even begin trying to get into a deeper discussion of the points he was making. To some of what he said, i was able to engage him and try to give an answer to what he was questioning, but for so many things, i just had to admit to not completely understanding it all.
One of the major realizations that i had during this conversation was the idea that christianity is seen by so many people outside of the church as a series of moral ideals or rules. That by following a set of moral codes, one can earn their way into good graces with God and therefore get into heaven. And beyond this moral standard, there is not much more to christianity than a judgemental finger pointing at most of society and an agressive political agenda that alienates more than unites people (though i guess those two things can be put under the morality heading). A defining moment of the night was when my friend point blank asked me the most difficult question i think i ever have to answer: if he lives his whole life as a good person, living by the standards Jesus lays out for life but not necessarily believing that Jesus was the savior and the only way to eternal life, was Jesus going to deny him a place in heaven when he died? Even now, its hard to breathe and hard to think about that answer.
As insane as it sounds, and as little sense as it makes to my finite little mind, i don't think morality gets us into God's good graces and i don't think being a good person is what is most imporant in life. I hate that this concept has become a bit of a christianese catchphrase, but i know no other way than this to describe it.... its not about rules, its about relationship. From what i can understand and what stands up to experience and what is laid out in scripture, God cares first about our relationship with him, is primarily concerned with us loving him and desiring him and having faith in him. out of this relationship, our morality is formed, our being a "good person" comes into play.
Trying to articulate this idea of having a relationship with an invisible God who is outside of time and space is not easy. I felt crazy trying to explain it to my friend, who seemed both angry with my seemingly pat answer and confused at why his friend, whom he had known for 8 years, would answer that yes, she believed in a God who would not accept him without him having put faith in Jesus during his time on earth.
ah, this kills me, just writing it out. i am aware that anyone could read these words, even my friends from that night, and be angered, confused, disillusioned with what i am saying here. and i question the sanity of it all, sometimes. i mean, who hasn't? but somehow, in these last 6 years of living in relationship with God and trying to love him and lay down my life to be used as his,
i realize the truth that my ways are not his ways, my thoughts are not his thoughts.
more soon....
Thursday, March 09, 2006
more on illumination
Oh man, i SO should not be up right now. I am at the point of near exhaustion, after almost 2 weeks without a day off... oh man, oh man, Jesus help me.
BUT, i couldn’t not stay up and write... its always times like this that one feels most inspired and most fired up to let these writerly thoughts flow out... or maybe not even writerly so much as just EXCITED, INSPIRED, EAGER for more. Let me try to explain.
Tonight, i had my community group, which has been going now for about 5 months. In the beginning, it was kind of an awkward group and i had very little hope it would grow into anything substantial. I actually remember lamenting this fact to my mentor, worrying over the way it was going, fretting that it would just be sort of uncomfortable and surface forever. And God, in all his stinkin amazing wisdom and mercy, has literally created the most beautiful little family unit in this group and it is so dear to my heart in such a special, unique way, its really hard to put it down in words.
Tonight was just a perfect example of how beautiful everything is, how illuminated it all becomes when God does his thing in a group of willing people. I came to group so tired (and so tired, i couldn’t even really muster up enough energy to complain about being tired) and not having much of an idea of how the group would go. I had read up on Ephesians 4 and wanted to have an in depth, insightful study with everyone. But i couldn’t see how this would work. I was SO tired, and everyone else seemed pretty beat, too.
But as we all collected in Josh’s little living room and the buzz of conversation went on around me, i began to realize that despite my own “leadership”, there is so much more going on than me simply leading a discussion and us reading our Bibles. We all sort of languidly began sharing about our weeks, the highlights, the lowlights, the funny little idiosyncrasy’s, the lessons we were learning. It was quiet at times and talkative at others. Energy ebbed and flowed around and we sort of sat glowing. Maxwell shared about his theory on “acorns as spiritual gifts” metaphor and then did a little freestyle rapping about it, which made us all giggle and smile big smiles.
We opened up the 2nd half of Ephesians 4 and read. We began digging through the text and in time, it, too, was illuminated. Watching each person contribute to the discussion, adding their insight, experience, thoughts, it became apparent that God was at work. What I LOVE about this realization is that is the most subtle realization, it is the softest sentiment, the simplest shift... and you can just feel it go. Each person builds on the other, we all talk, add something, ideas are formed and expanded. As we sift through the meaning and talked through the themes, the truths, the realities of these words, I think everyone was taking away what they needed. It wasn’t one of those where everyone got onto the same page and we all came to the same conclusion or “application point”... it was all much more organic, raw. You just knew God was working it out in each of us.
And then...
...you begin watching everyone get quiet... but in a good way: a thoughtful, in-going quiet. A changing silence. And the glow of that. Ah, it’s a clear picture in my mind and it’s so sweet.
As we slowed down and let it all sink in, people began to get a bit vulnerable with where they were. Sharing struggles about families who denied the faith or who won’t give it a chance. Friends who can’t seem to understand, health problems that seem hopeless. Unspoken needs that can get lifted in the calling out to Him in our hearts when we pray as a group. And as we did pray together, the sweetness kept coming—not a sickening sweet, but one you savor. Amen.
After praying, we all sat around and talked about what the group meant to us. And a lot was said, and so much more could be said. I can’t quite put it all down here and now, but this is special. And this is church. I work for a church, and what we do Sunday’s is church. But this, THIS, this, its church in such a new way, such a vital way, such a needed way. I pray every group who meets could experience even a sliver of what goes on in our group. And what’s better, is that I don’t even think we have reached the best of what is to come. This is family. This is love.
I know that sometimes we can question why we are even here at all. What did God put us on earth for in the first place? There will always be someone to lead a study, someone to be part of a discussion, someone to be in a group. And maybe we won’t know our reasons in the end, maybe it won’t ever make perfect sense, the reasons. But all i know is that i wouldn’t miss nights like tonight for anything. I wouldn’t want someone else in my place tonight. I would hope everyone would have a chance to experience tonight, but i wouldn’t want to miss out on it. Something intricate and something big has brought me right to where i am: that divine plan has me where i am right now. Who am I to question that? Who am I to miss out on times like this, people like this, love like you find in nights like tonight?
Ah, live it- live it...
what are you waiting for?
BUT, i couldn’t not stay up and write... its always times like this that one feels most inspired and most fired up to let these writerly thoughts flow out... or maybe not even writerly so much as just EXCITED, INSPIRED, EAGER for more. Let me try to explain.
Tonight, i had my community group, which has been going now for about 5 months. In the beginning, it was kind of an awkward group and i had very little hope it would grow into anything substantial. I actually remember lamenting this fact to my mentor, worrying over the way it was going, fretting that it would just be sort of uncomfortable and surface forever. And God, in all his stinkin amazing wisdom and mercy, has literally created the most beautiful little family unit in this group and it is so dear to my heart in such a special, unique way, its really hard to put it down in words.
Tonight was just a perfect example of how beautiful everything is, how illuminated it all becomes when God does his thing in a group of willing people. I came to group so tired (and so tired, i couldn’t even really muster up enough energy to complain about being tired) and not having much of an idea of how the group would go. I had read up on Ephesians 4 and wanted to have an in depth, insightful study with everyone. But i couldn’t see how this would work. I was SO tired, and everyone else seemed pretty beat, too.
But as we all collected in Josh’s little living room and the buzz of conversation went on around me, i began to realize that despite my own “leadership”, there is so much more going on than me simply leading a discussion and us reading our Bibles. We all sort of languidly began sharing about our weeks, the highlights, the lowlights, the funny little idiosyncrasy’s, the lessons we were learning. It was quiet at times and talkative at others. Energy ebbed and flowed around and we sort of sat glowing. Maxwell shared about his theory on “acorns as spiritual gifts” metaphor and then did a little freestyle rapping about it, which made us all giggle and smile big smiles.
We opened up the 2nd half of Ephesians 4 and read. We began digging through the text and in time, it, too, was illuminated. Watching each person contribute to the discussion, adding their insight, experience, thoughts, it became apparent that God was at work. What I LOVE about this realization is that is the most subtle realization, it is the softest sentiment, the simplest shift... and you can just feel it go. Each person builds on the other, we all talk, add something, ideas are formed and expanded. As we sift through the meaning and talked through the themes, the truths, the realities of these words, I think everyone was taking away what they needed. It wasn’t one of those where everyone got onto the same page and we all came to the same conclusion or “application point”... it was all much more organic, raw. You just knew God was working it out in each of us.
And then...
...you begin watching everyone get quiet... but in a good way: a thoughtful, in-going quiet. A changing silence. And the glow of that. Ah, it’s a clear picture in my mind and it’s so sweet.
As we slowed down and let it all sink in, people began to get a bit vulnerable with where they were. Sharing struggles about families who denied the faith or who won’t give it a chance. Friends who can’t seem to understand, health problems that seem hopeless. Unspoken needs that can get lifted in the calling out to Him in our hearts when we pray as a group. And as we did pray together, the sweetness kept coming—not a sickening sweet, but one you savor. Amen.
After praying, we all sat around and talked about what the group meant to us. And a lot was said, and so much more could be said. I can’t quite put it all down here and now, but this is special. And this is church. I work for a church, and what we do Sunday’s is church. But this, THIS, this, its church in such a new way, such a vital way, such a needed way. I pray every group who meets could experience even a sliver of what goes on in our group. And what’s better, is that I don’t even think we have reached the best of what is to come. This is family. This is love.
I know that sometimes we can question why we are even here at all. What did God put us on earth for in the first place? There will always be someone to lead a study, someone to be part of a discussion, someone to be in a group. And maybe we won’t know our reasons in the end, maybe it won’t ever make perfect sense, the reasons. But all i know is that i wouldn’t miss nights like tonight for anything. I wouldn’t want someone else in my place tonight. I would hope everyone would have a chance to experience tonight, but i wouldn’t want to miss out on it. Something intricate and something big has brought me right to where i am: that divine plan has me where i am right now. Who am I to question that? Who am I to miss out on times like this, people like this, love like you find in nights like tonight?
Ah, live it- live it...
what are you waiting for?
Monday, February 20, 2006
what do you do when sin seems to yields no consequence?
i got into an interesting discussion last night with a friend of mine who has been a christian since before he can remember. i had just come home from a loooooong day with vintage: we had had a full set of prayer stations in the gathering, a musical guest in the coffeehouse, 9 church leaders visiting from Michigan and on top of it, i was sick. all i wanted to do when i got home was have some soup and crash into bed, but God seemed to have other plans for me.
before i could collapse into bed, i ended up getting into quite a discussion with this friend of mine. basically, he shared with me that though he knows he isn't on top of things spiritually right now, it doesn't seem to be affecting him the way he thought it would. he is young, attractive and living the life of a normal 20-something guy... which involves sex, drugs and rock n' roll. now, fair enough, everyone goes through their rebellious stages and luckily, this guy has steered clear so far of pregnancy, std's, drunk dialing/driving, etc.
as we continued to talk, we got into a fascinating dialogue about the fact that though this person knows what he should be doing for God and understands that he is being tempted, it is easier for him to just sort of brush that under that rug and live the way he wants to, since, at this point, there haven't been any major consequences for the ways he is living. i mean, it would be different for him if some drastic, terrible consequence had occurred because of the way he has been living, but all he seems to be experiencing right now is a dull sense that he isnt living for God and a whole lot of immediate gratification for acting on his impulses and doing what feels good.
without going into super-detailed description of our talk, i guess i just wanted to raise this up, as think it is a really interesting thing to ponder: what do you do when sin seems to yield no consequence? when living out of your own impulses and desires feels better than living in obedience to God and you can't see why you should hold yourself back if nothing bad will happen to you?
i have a lot of thoughts on this, but (in the style of Rob and MM) i would love to hear what some of YOU all think?
before i could collapse into bed, i ended up getting into quite a discussion with this friend of mine. basically, he shared with me that though he knows he isn't on top of things spiritually right now, it doesn't seem to be affecting him the way he thought it would. he is young, attractive and living the life of a normal 20-something guy... which involves sex, drugs and rock n' roll. now, fair enough, everyone goes through their rebellious stages and luckily, this guy has steered clear so far of pregnancy, std's, drunk dialing/driving, etc.
as we continued to talk, we got into a fascinating dialogue about the fact that though this person knows what he should be doing for God and understands that he is being tempted, it is easier for him to just sort of brush that under that rug and live the way he wants to, since, at this point, there haven't been any major consequences for the ways he is living. i mean, it would be different for him if some drastic, terrible consequence had occurred because of the way he has been living, but all he seems to be experiencing right now is a dull sense that he isnt living for God and a whole lot of immediate gratification for acting on his impulses and doing what feels good.
without going into super-detailed description of our talk, i guess i just wanted to raise this up, as think it is a really interesting thing to ponder: what do you do when sin seems to yield no consequence? when living out of your own impulses and desires feels better than living in obedience to God and you can't see why you should hold yourself back if nothing bad will happen to you?
i have a lot of thoughts on this, but (in the style of Rob and MM) i would love to hear what some of YOU all think?
Sunday, February 05, 2006
a night i won't forget
These are the times you want to remember. Nights like these are absolutely without question PRICELESS. Tonight, I gave my first message at Vintage Faith. It was about stewarding our hearts. I had been preparing for tonight for the past week pretty intensely... studying scripture, praying, talking with people, hashing through structure and transition with Rob, dissecting meaning and purpose with Mom. But as I prepared, I realized that God had begun working on this message in me years ago. Two verses about the heart, prov 4:23 and phil 4:6-7 had been beacons in my dark times for the past 5 years. I had turned to them both for wisdom and guidance so many times, they felt like familiar faces which eased my heart and gave me peace beyond my own comprehension. And as the message came together this past week, they emerged as the two main verses i would be focusing on.
I have always heard before from people who speak that the week prior to them giving their message, they are always tempted or struggling with the very topic that they are about to speak on. And it was so true for me this week. I felt a deep, deep struggle in my heart about the very things i was to be talking about tonight. The story i shared tonight had to do with my struggle to keep God first in my heart before my romantic relationships. So many times in my walk with God, when it came to affection from a guy, whether emotional or physical, i had the hardest time saying no, even when i knew its not what God had for me. This week, there were a couple of very difficult nights of having to battle with this temptation, whether it be simply about the attention i wanted or was getting from a guy or the blatant opportunity i had to get into a relationship that wasn’t what God wanted for me.
At the times of these temptations this week, it wasn’t super clear to me what was going on, but looking back, i see how very easily my integrity could have been compromised had i chosen differently. I see now that the very story i shared tonight and the huge amount of growth that i have had in the area of romantic relationships is bearing fruit (to use a terribly overused metaphor) even now. Had I been tempted the way i was this week 3 years ago, there is NO WAY i could have survived it. I felt that so many moments this week i could have broken down and given in to my impulses... but God, in all his gracious mercy, protected me.
A series of beautiful moments and details that surrounded the message tonight....
The Augustine quote i used at the end of the message was taped on a mirror i had all through college. The quote always struck me and seemed to always call out to me and it was beautiful how perfectly it worked for the message tonight, as if it stuck around all this time just to be used tonight.
A number of times this week, people have mentioned that God knew before I was even born that I would be speaking tonight. The same concept came up in a number of scriptures that I happened to read this week.
The many emails, phone calls, and myspace messages I received from people offering support, prayer, encouragement and love for me; every one of them I held dear to my heart and i printed them all out and took them on stage with me tonight as a reminder that God's community was there with me.
My mom’s phone call this morning to tell me that her devotional this morning had to do with Jesus' temptation in the desert and then the sermon he gave after his temptaion that was met with adoration for his words over his message (which was not how he wanted it to be received)-- a reminder that even Jesus was tempted... and that it didn't matter what my words were tonight, only that the right message was spoken.
As I prayed outside this afternoon in the unseasonably warm February sun, i observed a bee next to me, simply breathing. This intricate, complex little design just next to me, tiny, breathing. Being reminded that when it feels right, ministry in any capactiy should be as easy as breathing.
Watching the room get set up, the band practice, the tech team prepare and all the outrageously wonderful people I get to serve with each week. It overwhelmed me.
Putting on the wireless mic for the first time and later seeing Dan wearing an apron because he was setting up the drinks and cookies ... an odd, endearing contrast for the night.
Before going on stage to talk, I snuck behind the curtains. It was “mingle time” and they had put on Mute Math in the background- my current favorite band. As I paced around back there, I sang out loud to the song “And i know-there’s got to be another love, some-where closer to the other side”... this filled me with in expressable joy :)
About 3 minutes into the message, my mouth got so dry that I had to stop everything and jokingly ask for my water bottle i had forgotten. My dad eagerly jumped up and handed it to me. I love that being a beginner means i can do stuff like this and it comes off as endearing and lovable!
After stepping down off the stage, I walked over and my Mom hugged me and held me and said that I had given God's message so clearly and so perfectly. Next, I saw Marilyn and Erika's faces, two who are dear to me, but who aren't part of any church. They seemed profoundly moved and I trust it was the Spirit doing it’s thing. Erika told me I had come into a new part of life, that she saw me differently now, that what i had said and the way i had said it had meant so much to her, had affected her. Her eyes told me more than her words and it made every bit of nervousness and hour of preparation worth it, just for that moment.
The people who came up to me afterwards and encouraged me... what they said is enough to make someone get a big fat ego, which I am not above :). So, I have to give all the credit to God here, since its all for his glory in the end anyways. But those moments i will treasure and take as encouragement from my community of believers that will spur me on in my darker moments.
It's so funny because as I drove home tonight, I was struck by a wave of loneliness. Though I have probably never felt as loved as I have tonight by so many people, and so affirmed in my worth and so sure of God's way of redeeming every hard circumstance, I still, still struggle with feeling lonely simply because there is no "boy" to come home to. Just as this thought crossed my mind, I looked up to the sky and I saw a huge circle around the moon, a giant moonglow and i just laughed. No matter how amazing a guy might be in my life, there is no one, NO ONE like God. No one knows me like him, no one can get to my heart like Him. No one will ever be as close to me as He is.
If i could chose one day to have someone follow me around and record my life, so far, this would be that day... it was a near perfect day. A day that I will look to for inspiration when i forget why i am in ministry at all. A day that i will remember for how loved i felt. A day that will stand as a reminder that God redeems everything, in His beautiful, perfect time.
I have always heard before from people who speak that the week prior to them giving their message, they are always tempted or struggling with the very topic that they are about to speak on. And it was so true for me this week. I felt a deep, deep struggle in my heart about the very things i was to be talking about tonight. The story i shared tonight had to do with my struggle to keep God first in my heart before my romantic relationships. So many times in my walk with God, when it came to affection from a guy, whether emotional or physical, i had the hardest time saying no, even when i knew its not what God had for me. This week, there were a couple of very difficult nights of having to battle with this temptation, whether it be simply about the attention i wanted or was getting from a guy or the blatant opportunity i had to get into a relationship that wasn’t what God wanted for me.
At the times of these temptations this week, it wasn’t super clear to me what was going on, but looking back, i see how very easily my integrity could have been compromised had i chosen differently. I see now that the very story i shared tonight and the huge amount of growth that i have had in the area of romantic relationships is bearing fruit (to use a terribly overused metaphor) even now. Had I been tempted the way i was this week 3 years ago, there is NO WAY i could have survived it. I felt that so many moments this week i could have broken down and given in to my impulses... but God, in all his gracious mercy, protected me.
A series of beautiful moments and details that surrounded the message tonight....
The Augustine quote i used at the end of the message was taped on a mirror i had all through college. The quote always struck me and seemed to always call out to me and it was beautiful how perfectly it worked for the message tonight, as if it stuck around all this time just to be used tonight.
A number of times this week, people have mentioned that God knew before I was even born that I would be speaking tonight. The same concept came up in a number of scriptures that I happened to read this week.
The many emails, phone calls, and myspace messages I received from people offering support, prayer, encouragement and love for me; every one of them I held dear to my heart and i printed them all out and took them on stage with me tonight as a reminder that God's community was there with me.
My mom’s phone call this morning to tell me that her devotional this morning had to do with Jesus' temptation in the desert and then the sermon he gave after his temptaion that was met with adoration for his words over his message (which was not how he wanted it to be received)-- a reminder that even Jesus was tempted... and that it didn't matter what my words were tonight, only that the right message was spoken.
As I prayed outside this afternoon in the unseasonably warm February sun, i observed a bee next to me, simply breathing. This intricate, complex little design just next to me, tiny, breathing. Being reminded that when it feels right, ministry in any capactiy should be as easy as breathing.
Watching the room get set up, the band practice, the tech team prepare and all the outrageously wonderful people I get to serve with each week. It overwhelmed me.
Putting on the wireless mic for the first time and later seeing Dan wearing an apron because he was setting up the drinks and cookies ... an odd, endearing contrast for the night.
Before going on stage to talk, I snuck behind the curtains. It was “mingle time” and they had put on Mute Math in the background- my current favorite band. As I paced around back there, I sang out loud to the song “And i know-there’s got to be another love, some-where closer to the other side”... this filled me with in expressable joy :)
About 3 minutes into the message, my mouth got so dry that I had to stop everything and jokingly ask for my water bottle i had forgotten. My dad eagerly jumped up and handed it to me. I love that being a beginner means i can do stuff like this and it comes off as endearing and lovable!
After stepping down off the stage, I walked over and my Mom hugged me and held me and said that I had given God's message so clearly and so perfectly. Next, I saw Marilyn and Erika's faces, two who are dear to me, but who aren't part of any church. They seemed profoundly moved and I trust it was the Spirit doing it’s thing. Erika told me I had come into a new part of life, that she saw me differently now, that what i had said and the way i had said it had meant so much to her, had affected her. Her eyes told me more than her words and it made every bit of nervousness and hour of preparation worth it, just for that moment.
The people who came up to me afterwards and encouraged me... what they said is enough to make someone get a big fat ego, which I am not above :). So, I have to give all the credit to God here, since its all for his glory in the end anyways. But those moments i will treasure and take as encouragement from my community of believers that will spur me on in my darker moments.
It's so funny because as I drove home tonight, I was struck by a wave of loneliness. Though I have probably never felt as loved as I have tonight by so many people, and so affirmed in my worth and so sure of God's way of redeeming every hard circumstance, I still, still struggle with feeling lonely simply because there is no "boy" to come home to. Just as this thought crossed my mind, I looked up to the sky and I saw a huge circle around the moon, a giant moonglow and i just laughed. No matter how amazing a guy might be in my life, there is no one, NO ONE like God. No one knows me like him, no one can get to my heart like Him. No one will ever be as close to me as He is.
If i could chose one day to have someone follow me around and record my life, so far, this would be that day... it was a near perfect day. A day that I will look to for inspiration when i forget why i am in ministry at all. A day that i will remember for how loved i felt. A day that will stand as a reminder that God redeems everything, in His beautiful, perfect time.
Monday, January 23, 2006
a reason for the mission
last sunday, the staff from vfc went over to first pres (which is the church we are "joining ministries" with in about 77 days :) ) to be introduced to the community there at their morning gathering. (for details on why, see our website http://www.vintagechurch.org/missionStreet.php
Now, if any of you know me very well, i am definitely not a morning person, so i was quite pressed to make it out of bed that morning (especially in the fortress of ice that is my house, oi, thats a whole other blog!). The sun was shining, though, and it made for a perfect excuse to be up earlier than normal on a weekend. As I snuck into first pres a few minutes late, I spied Rob in the back row. I slid in next to him and observed what was happening. The pews were about 1/3 full, the room was quiet, gentle. There were a good number of older people there (which is different for my eyes: i am used to seeing a sea of young faces at vintage each week)... at first this was weird for me, but then i grew acustomed to it and actually got excited. the more i see vintage grow, the more i am convinced having people from the entire age spectrum as part of community can only benefit everyone.
observing the demeanor of the people and the room, it sunk in just how different vintage really is to this community and i pondered how exactly it would work for us to "join" in ministry? how is this going to actually happen? will we disrupt the community they have built here? will they hate they way we do things and want us to leave? how will this happen, God?
as i battled around in my head for a few minutes, i noticed a girl walk in from the side. she was probably 23-25ish and looked like any average UCSC student ... track jacket, sun glasses, shorts, flip flops, unsettled to be in a church. i was instantly aware of her presence here and watched her find a seat. she sat alone.
she sat directly underneath one of the stained glass windows and the morning light was luminous through that window, putting a glow around her. my eyes couldnt stay away from that part of the room. for some reason, i couldnt help but keep wondering what she was thinking about all of this. If she was like the 99% of UCSC students, she doesn't associate herself with anything to do with christianity, church etc. But she was here. she was sitting here, observing, listening even singing a long a little bit with some of the hymns.
i kept glancing over her way, and i was filled with this sense that she was one of the many reasons for our two churches to be taking this huge risk to join in the mission together. something had drawn her here today, perhaps. maybe she saw this church driving up to campus (it is located at one of the busiest intersections in the city, right near UCSC), maybe one day she had sat at the bus bench just in front of the church waiting to be taken up to campus. i didnt know her story, but the more i thought about it, the more i began to feel deeply in my heart that God was showing her to me for a reason: that i must feel the reality of why we needed to get our church to this area, why we must continue to pursue this vision for a new kind of church that is accessible and real to people who have never really experienced Jesus before, or who had a bad taste in their mouths about religion, christians and the name "Jesus."
As we transitioned from the "children's sermon" to Dan's message, Lee prayed for a bit and i leaned my head down and prayed for this nameless girl, whoever she was. my heart began to come apart a little bit for her and her story and it felt drawn out. as of late, i had felt more inside the "church bubble" than i liked, more disassociated from people who don't know Jesus and my heart had felt hardened about the reason that we are on this mission in the first place. i was feeling greatful for my heart being more pliable, easier to shape.
As we all said amen, i lifted my head and looked to wear she had been. the seat was empty. And i felt her absence even more deeply than i had felt her presence.
Now, if any of you know me very well, i am definitely not a morning person, so i was quite pressed to make it out of bed that morning (especially in the fortress of ice that is my house, oi, thats a whole other blog!). The sun was shining, though, and it made for a perfect excuse to be up earlier than normal on a weekend. As I snuck into first pres a few minutes late, I spied Rob in the back row. I slid in next to him and observed what was happening. The pews were about 1/3 full, the room was quiet, gentle. There were a good number of older people there (which is different for my eyes: i am used to seeing a sea of young faces at vintage each week)... at first this was weird for me, but then i grew acustomed to it and actually got excited. the more i see vintage grow, the more i am convinced having people from the entire age spectrum as part of community can only benefit everyone.
observing the demeanor of the people and the room, it sunk in just how different vintage really is to this community and i pondered how exactly it would work for us to "join" in ministry? how is this going to actually happen? will we disrupt the community they have built here? will they hate they way we do things and want us to leave? how will this happen, God?
as i battled around in my head for a few minutes, i noticed a girl walk in from the side. she was probably 23-25ish and looked like any average UCSC student ... track jacket, sun glasses, shorts, flip flops, unsettled to be in a church. i was instantly aware of her presence here and watched her find a seat. she sat alone.
she sat directly underneath one of the stained glass windows and the morning light was luminous through that window, putting a glow around her. my eyes couldnt stay away from that part of the room. for some reason, i couldnt help but keep wondering what she was thinking about all of this. If she was like the 99% of UCSC students, she doesn't associate herself with anything to do with christianity, church etc. But she was here. she was sitting here, observing, listening even singing a long a little bit with some of the hymns.
i kept glancing over her way, and i was filled with this sense that she was one of the many reasons for our two churches to be taking this huge risk to join in the mission together. something had drawn her here today, perhaps. maybe she saw this church driving up to campus (it is located at one of the busiest intersections in the city, right near UCSC), maybe one day she had sat at the bus bench just in front of the church waiting to be taken up to campus. i didnt know her story, but the more i thought about it, the more i began to feel deeply in my heart that God was showing her to me for a reason: that i must feel the reality of why we needed to get our church to this area, why we must continue to pursue this vision for a new kind of church that is accessible and real to people who have never really experienced Jesus before, or who had a bad taste in their mouths about religion, christians and the name "Jesus."
As we transitioned from the "children's sermon" to Dan's message, Lee prayed for a bit and i leaned my head down and prayed for this nameless girl, whoever she was. my heart began to come apart a little bit for her and her story and it felt drawn out. as of late, i had felt more inside the "church bubble" than i liked, more disassociated from people who don't know Jesus and my heart had felt hardened about the reason that we are on this mission in the first place. i was feeling greatful for my heart being more pliable, easier to shape.
As we all said amen, i lifted my head and looked to wear she had been. the seat was empty. And i felt her absence even more deeply than i had felt her presence.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
losing something you never had
its funny how we get our expectations up about things we never really have in the first place. you can spend so much time anticipating how amazing something should be and you get so excited about it. You imagine how awesome it will be when you get to fully enjoy the realization of the anticipation you have, you begin holding onto the little details you have noticed, the swells of emotion that occur when you brush up against the hope and you begin believing all of these things as facts that can't be anything but true.
what's so hard is when you ignore the few little red flags which seem to pop up in the your peripheral as you race along towards your expectation. i am the worst, because i do actually see them, even recognize them and talk about them to others. I think somehow that if i do acknowledge them, perhaps they will be minimized, going from a giant flag that flaps loudly when its windy to a tiny little paper flag you could stick in a tropical drink.
I am seeing more and more that I am so willing to risk the danger associated with the red flags for the potential happiness that it could be confused with desperation. Am I desperate or open? Am i easy to catch or accessible to know? How do we ever get beyond the beginning if we run away because of every potential hazard? How do we avoid getting hurt if we are willing to risk our hearts for an expectation that could turn into beautiful reality?
how do you mourn something you never really had?
what's so hard is when you ignore the few little red flags which seem to pop up in the your peripheral as you race along towards your expectation. i am the worst, because i do actually see them, even recognize them and talk about them to others. I think somehow that if i do acknowledge them, perhaps they will be minimized, going from a giant flag that flaps loudly when its windy to a tiny little paper flag you could stick in a tropical drink.
I am seeing more and more that I am so willing to risk the danger associated with the red flags for the potential happiness that it could be confused with desperation. Am I desperate or open? Am i easy to catch or accessible to know? How do we ever get beyond the beginning if we run away because of every potential hazard? How do we avoid getting hurt if we are willing to risk our hearts for an expectation that could turn into beautiful reality?
how do you mourn something you never really had?
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
wrapping paper and a thousand places
i went to bookshop santa cruz the other day in a last minute attempt to buy a gift for my little brother, who was turning 20. As i cruised the magazine and gift card section, hoping for the perfect 20 year old brother present to come my way, i found the "Thousand Places to Go before you Die" Travel Journal. I remembered that a few months ago, my brother had surprised me by commenting that he would like to visit Europe one day. Now, this is the little brother who was an absolute terror to go anywhere with when we were kids. Everytime my parents thoughtfully selected a location for the family to travel to for some acculturation and familial bonding, he would throw a fit and complain that all he wanted to do was play video games and stay inside all day. When i heard he wanted to see Europe, my heart lept with joy, since i myself actually lived in England when i was 20 and 21 and found it to be one of the most life altering experiences i could ever imagine (i know how cliche that sounds, but its so true).
So, as i remember that conversation, i resolve to buy him this journal to encourage his travel spark to actually ignite into something tangible. As I head to the complimentary gift wrapping center in the back of the store, i am feeling like a pretty wonderful older sister for this thoughtful gift. As i began wrapping the gift, the woman next to me noticed the journal and commented:
"Ah, I have the book that goes along with that journal... we must be on similar journeys"
"Oh, yeah, actually, i bought it for my brother, he is turning 20 and i wanted to encourage him to travel, since i lived in England when i was 20," I replied, feeling immediately at home with this warm older woman.
"Oh that is wonderful!" she said.
"Yeah, it was life changing... so, have you been to the 'Thousand Places' yet?" i asked her, both of us wrapping our gifts.
"Yes, many of them! But i have never lived abroad, only travelled to the different places i have gone."
"Wow, thats great!!" I said, "I always think you have to live overseas to really travel extensively."
"No! I have been travelling for most of my life and i have seen so much!"
"That is so encouraging. I love travelling so much, but i worry i won't be able to go once i am married and have kids... i am thinking i have to squeeze it all in right now," i explained.
"Oh, well, yes, its good to try and go as much as you can right now, since you never know what will happen... but don't worry, you can travel throughout your whole life! I certainly did! I dragged my kid along and it was the best gift I could have ever given them!"
I couldnt believe that i was having this conversation. in the last few weeks, i have been thinking a lot about my desire to travel and wondering how it would work itself out in my life, sort of panicking that the longer i wait, the more i miss my chance to see the world.
After a short, thoughtful pause, I said with a giant smile, "Thanks you so much! Its so encouraging to hear that... Happy New Year!"
"The same to you" she said and she smiled and walked away.
Gift in hand for my little brother, i marvelled at how beautifully God can orchaestrate chance conversations and give us little gifts where we least expect them.
So, as i remember that conversation, i resolve to buy him this journal to encourage his travel spark to actually ignite into something tangible. As I head to the complimentary gift wrapping center in the back of the store, i am feeling like a pretty wonderful older sister for this thoughtful gift. As i began wrapping the gift, the woman next to me noticed the journal and commented:
"Ah, I have the book that goes along with that journal... we must be on similar journeys"
"Oh, yeah, actually, i bought it for my brother, he is turning 20 and i wanted to encourage him to travel, since i lived in England when i was 20," I replied, feeling immediately at home with this warm older woman.
"Oh that is wonderful!" she said.
"Yeah, it was life changing... so, have you been to the 'Thousand Places' yet?" i asked her, both of us wrapping our gifts.
"Yes, many of them! But i have never lived abroad, only travelled to the different places i have gone."
"Wow, thats great!!" I said, "I always think you have to live overseas to really travel extensively."
"No! I have been travelling for most of my life and i have seen so much!"
"That is so encouraging. I love travelling so much, but i worry i won't be able to go once i am married and have kids... i am thinking i have to squeeze it all in right now," i explained.
"Oh, well, yes, its good to try and go as much as you can right now, since you never know what will happen... but don't worry, you can travel throughout your whole life! I certainly did! I dragged my kid along and it was the best gift I could have ever given them!"
I couldnt believe that i was having this conversation. in the last few weeks, i have been thinking a lot about my desire to travel and wondering how it would work itself out in my life, sort of panicking that the longer i wait, the more i miss my chance to see the world.
After a short, thoughtful pause, I said with a giant smile, "Thanks you so much! Its so encouraging to hear that... Happy New Year!"
"The same to you" she said and she smiled and walked away.
Gift in hand for my little brother, i marvelled at how beautifully God can orchaestrate chance conversations and give us little gifts where we least expect them.
Friday, December 30, 2005
2 things
1. becoming new.
each time i go to read anything this week, the same concept keeps being brought back to me: becoming new. i cannot escape it. perhaps in all the places where i am used to being the old me, i am supposed to be reminded to become new again.
i find that old "me" from christmas time... the old me wanting all the best clothes and music- to look the best and to feel the best. the old me wanting to impress my siblings, to feel wanted, to feel on top of everything. the old me just wanting acceptance for things that exist only at the surface.
i find the old "me" within cherished friendships from the past... the old me who used to act a certain way or say certain things-- the"boy crazy" me, or silly, innocent me, lives in her hometown me.
i find the old "me" in my thoughts... wondering if i will ever get married, worrying about how i look, unconcerned with things that truly matter.
i just wonder, what happens in our heads that we revert back to our old "me's" -- what circumstance or situation or setting creates a place for that old person to exist?
i do know this new "me"... i have been discovering her for the past few years and i really really like her. she doesnt care all that much about looking cool or being attractive... she is much more confident and assured than her old silly self, so much wiser and more solid than before... her thoughts are on many things, all complex and layered and intricate and not centered on selfish desires or petty "needs" all the time.
i want to become new. i want this new me. i think i know this new me.
eph 4:22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
2. mystery
i saw a dear old college friend today. we randomly ran into each other in the strangest of all places (kirkwood ski resort) and ended up riding ski lifts and snowboarding down mountains all afternoon. in one of our ski-lift length conversations, he said something that struck me: he has given up trying to figure out some of the things he was always trying to know and accepted that there are some things he will never understand. i just thought it was one of the most profoundly simple realizations we can have and let it sit with me for a while. being such an overly analytical person, i must spend most of my time in my head trying to work things out (hence this second night of sleeplessness despite total exhaustion from snowboarding all day) and am rarely ever able to admit that there are some things i will never understand.
i have had the fleeting thought over the past couple of years that we will never fully understand the mystery of our world, both inside and out. and i have even played with the idea that i can't fit God into a box: i have said that many times, actually... though the metaphor is very overused, i will admit. but i don't think i have, or am really able to at the moment, fully dwell in any of the mystery of the world, of my self, of other people and of God. but i want to just sit mystery down on the edge of my bed and have a good look at it for awhile. let myself settle in on what it seems to look like and study how it behaves.
i think i like this mystery, this unknowing.
each time i go to read anything this week, the same concept keeps being brought back to me: becoming new. i cannot escape it. perhaps in all the places where i am used to being the old me, i am supposed to be reminded to become new again.
i find that old "me" from christmas time... the old me wanting all the best clothes and music- to look the best and to feel the best. the old me wanting to impress my siblings, to feel wanted, to feel on top of everything. the old me just wanting acceptance for things that exist only at the surface.
i find the old "me" within cherished friendships from the past... the old me who used to act a certain way or say certain things-- the"boy crazy" me, or silly, innocent me, lives in her hometown me.
i find the old "me" in my thoughts... wondering if i will ever get married, worrying about how i look, unconcerned with things that truly matter.
i just wonder, what happens in our heads that we revert back to our old "me's" -- what circumstance or situation or setting creates a place for that old person to exist?
i do know this new "me"... i have been discovering her for the past few years and i really really like her. she doesnt care all that much about looking cool or being attractive... she is much more confident and assured than her old silly self, so much wiser and more solid than before... her thoughts are on many things, all complex and layered and intricate and not centered on selfish desires or petty "needs" all the time.
i want to become new. i want this new me. i think i know this new me.
eph 4:22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
2. mystery
i saw a dear old college friend today. we randomly ran into each other in the strangest of all places (kirkwood ski resort) and ended up riding ski lifts and snowboarding down mountains all afternoon. in one of our ski-lift length conversations, he said something that struck me: he has given up trying to figure out some of the things he was always trying to know and accepted that there are some things he will never understand. i just thought it was one of the most profoundly simple realizations we can have and let it sit with me for a while. being such an overly analytical person, i must spend most of my time in my head trying to work things out (hence this second night of sleeplessness despite total exhaustion from snowboarding all day) and am rarely ever able to admit that there are some things i will never understand.
i have had the fleeting thought over the past couple of years that we will never fully understand the mystery of our world, both inside and out. and i have even played with the idea that i can't fit God into a box: i have said that many times, actually... though the metaphor is very overused, i will admit. but i don't think i have, or am really able to at the moment, fully dwell in any of the mystery of the world, of my self, of other people and of God. but i want to just sit mystery down on the edge of my bed and have a good look at it for awhile. let myself settle in on what it seems to look like and study how it behaves.
i think i like this mystery, this unknowing.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
i needed this
"The only lasting freedom from self-consciousness comes from a profound awareness that God loves me as I am, not as I should be. He loves me beyond worthiness and unworthiness, beyond fidelity and infidelity. He loves me in the morning sun and the evening rain without caution, regret, boundary, limit or breaking point; that no matter what I do, He can't stop loving me. When I am really in conscious communion with the reality of the wild, passionate, relentless, stubborn, pursuing, tender love of God in Jesus Christ for me, then it's not what I've got to or I must or I should or I ought; suddenly I want to change because I know how deeply I am loved."
Brennan Manning
Brennan Manning
Saturday, November 19, 2005
suddenly outside of the in
i, for many years, have felt that i was inside. i was told by many people so many times that i was so fun and so easy to be with and just well, cool. not cool as in overly cool. not cool as in "laguna beach" cool or santa cruz surfer chick cool, but cool like just you know, down. like i could be in crowds and feel alright. like i could easily associate with anyone, make them feel alright. make friends so easily, make it all feel alright so easily.
and i am different now. just different.
i can't even say i am outside, because outside has become in. indy rock, hipster clothes, underground opinions and back alley attitudes... its all very in. and thats all slowy becoming mainstream, but teetering there somewhere in between. and i don't fit that, i am not an outsider, except to those who are inside of the out. i have become suddenly outside of the in and its really really uncomfortable. painfully so.
i think i am speaking in half terms: the grounds i speak on about being in and out are spilt in half. half i speak of culture, music, fashion, whatever. half i speak of the social circles, friendships. i don't fit the way i used to and its devastating to this once social butterfly, this once drama girl.
all i can make of it is that even the comfortableness of being "me" is being taken away. being broken down. so i can be of someone else. but if you can't be you and you can't be either inside or out, where are you then?
and i am different now. just different.
i can't even say i am outside, because outside has become in. indy rock, hipster clothes, underground opinions and back alley attitudes... its all very in. and thats all slowy becoming mainstream, but teetering there somewhere in between. and i don't fit that, i am not an outsider, except to those who are inside of the out. i have become suddenly outside of the in and its really really uncomfortable. painfully so.
i think i am speaking in half terms: the grounds i speak on about being in and out are spilt in half. half i speak of culture, music, fashion, whatever. half i speak of the social circles, friendships. i don't fit the way i used to and its devastating to this once social butterfly, this once drama girl.
all i can make of it is that even the comfortableness of being "me" is being taken away. being broken down. so i can be of someone else. but if you can't be you and you can't be either inside or out, where are you then?
Thursday, October 27, 2005
assignment 1: the distance between absence and excess
My roomate Bethany has taken it upon herself to assign me topics to write about. The thing about Bethany is that basically everything that comes out of her mouth is a sound bite... and not a shallow sound bite, not a throw away line, but things that just stick with you, you have to chew on them for a while to get them, and when you do (IF you do, cause sometimes they are so brilliant, she needs to explain them to you :) ) you realize that you could unpack them for a few hours, write some essays on them and then bring them up to other people as if they were your own and they would think you are just so smart-- all the while, you know inside that you are not and you are sad--but happy, too, that you know someone like her :)
Ok, so, now that you have an introduction, here we go...
Oh, wait, so you might be wondering why i need to be "assigned" things to write about... ok, the reason is.... that i can't think of good ideas on my own. I just can't. I mean, sometimes i can, but it is rare. If someone gives me a sentence, a word, a concept, anything to get me going, i can go. But sitting in front of my computer, i get nothing. i can begin on some existential idea, or how i am feeling, but i think without direction, feelings just get so messy, so cerebral, so just unclear, that they don't really stick to anything and you feel sort of cheap after you read inarticulated, unformulated, badly written feelings, because they probably mean way more to the person who wrote them than to you, the reader. I digress....
Its interesting that Bethany should give me this topic to write about, because as of late, i have been going through a subtle, but drastically needed paradigm shift... and its a shift that every fleshly bone in my body wants to resist. The sift is that I am trying to put aside excess and exist in the absence of the part of myself that craves worldliness.
Let me present a few cases in point:
1. Everytime i am in the supermarket, no matter how hard i think i am trying, i CANNOT stop looking at the supermarket tabloid magazines. I wonder if there is some sort of condition for this, because, seriously, it is a strange, sick addiction. It begins innocently enough. You just glance over.... "hmmm, i wonder what is going on with Brad and Angelina... oh wait, new news on Jessica and Nick!!... ohh, let me have a look here at another" and then its over. You have to look at every magazine cover out there, every tantalizing headline, every exclusive pic (though they all look waaaaay too photoshopped to be real anyways). And eventually you just have to grab one, flip through it and there it is, you have fully emmersed yourself in the alternate universe known as "celebrity culture"... you greedily soak up all the glossy, pictures of the beautiful people, you read the little articles about their spending habits and their parties and their weddings and divorces and... ugh, it makes my stomach turn over a bit just reliving it. You do this for the 3-5 minutes you are waiting in line (sometimes its shorter, if your boyfriend gives you a hard time for getting sucked in and then you have to put the mag back and defend yourself that you just wanted to see the film reviews or, uh, whatever) and then the minute you get your change and walk out the door, you realize what you have done. And you just get sad because of it, since you promised yourself you wouldn't perpetuate the whole sick cycle anymore. The thing is, that in your stronger moments, you have recognized the pitfalls of celebrity culture. For you (because some people can remain healthy in their relationship with celebrity culture), you know that its not a good thing to begin tangling yourself up in the "news" you find in these magazines (or on E! or VH1 or the gossip section of MSN.com or whatever other outlet you can find). I think what happens to me (i am back to first person, its hard to go in 2nd person for so long), is that i start seeing what i never will have. I am seeing what i will never look like. I am recognizing who i will never be. And because i will never have it, somehow I want it. And in deeper introspection, i realize that the ideal of being beautiful and rich is not even what i should want in the first place. Its not bad to want to be attractive or to want to be stable financially, but its not what we should want in excess or over anything else. So i am doubly screwed, since i am wanting something i can't have and then seeing that i am wanting something i shouldn't want.
Proverbs 11:28 Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf.
2. Secondly, clothes. Further, hair. In addition, makeup. In a word: beauty. There is another haunting reality i am facing: you know how you go to your closet sometimes and no matter how many possible outfit combinations stare back at you, you cannot figure out WHAT TO WEAR?! This is me, nearly every morning. For some reason, even if i have just washed everything i own or just bought a new tank last week... it takes me so long to figure it out. And then, after way too long figuring out what to put on my body, i have to then tackle the hair. Now, though i get it cut at a very sassy salon by a very hipster hairstylist, my hair never ceases to anger/disatisfy/frustrate me every morning. And i don't even want talk about my face, cause its never enough, there is always an uimperfection here, a zit under there... and the color is too pale, the nose too big. And though i spend the better part of an hour getting ready, i still walk out of my house not quite sure that i look good enough. And for what? Desire? Acceptance? Really, deep down, what is it i am trying to accomplish every morning?
Proverbs 31:30Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
SO, what do these examples have to do with the distance between absence and excess? and shifting a paradigm? Second things first. The paradigm i am trying so hard to change, the way i have lived for so long, is the pattern of thinking that says, somehow, that what i have and what i look like are what define me. Its such a freaking cliche, "all you need is love," "money is the root of all evil," etc etc and i know that, but its so real right now for me.
I feel that this season, this time, is so definitive for me. I feel for the first time since i turned 18, like a real adult and i want to begin my adulthood with healthy thinking, with truth, with a paradigm that i can be proud of, that God could be proud of. I want to be defined by who i am, who i am made to be, not with the things i can earn or do. I don't think i have quite figured it all out yet, how to shift, to shift and not go back. But i am trying real hard. i hope that the image i am made in can be the image i see. That the riches i received for free can be all i need.
And back to the assignment:
The distance between absence and excess is... nothing. Because excess is absence.... it is absent of value, of meaning, absent of anything. And the only absence we need is that of the part of our self which makes us believe we need more than what we have so graciously been given.
Ok, so, now that you have an introduction, here we go...
Oh, wait, so you might be wondering why i need to be "assigned" things to write about... ok, the reason is.... that i can't think of good ideas on my own. I just can't. I mean, sometimes i can, but it is rare. If someone gives me a sentence, a word, a concept, anything to get me going, i can go. But sitting in front of my computer, i get nothing. i can begin on some existential idea, or how i am feeling, but i think without direction, feelings just get so messy, so cerebral, so just unclear, that they don't really stick to anything and you feel sort of cheap after you read inarticulated, unformulated, badly written feelings, because they probably mean way more to the person who wrote them than to you, the reader. I digress....
Its interesting that Bethany should give me this topic to write about, because as of late, i have been going through a subtle, but drastically needed paradigm shift... and its a shift that every fleshly bone in my body wants to resist. The sift is that I am trying to put aside excess and exist in the absence of the part of myself that craves worldliness.
Let me present a few cases in point:
1. Everytime i am in the supermarket, no matter how hard i think i am trying, i CANNOT stop looking at the supermarket tabloid magazines. I wonder if there is some sort of condition for this, because, seriously, it is a strange, sick addiction. It begins innocently enough. You just glance over.... "hmmm, i wonder what is going on with Brad and Angelina... oh wait, new news on Jessica and Nick!!... ohh, let me have a look here at another" and then its over. You have to look at every magazine cover out there, every tantalizing headline, every exclusive pic (though they all look waaaaay too photoshopped to be real anyways). And eventually you just have to grab one, flip through it and there it is, you have fully emmersed yourself in the alternate universe known as "celebrity culture"... you greedily soak up all the glossy, pictures of the beautiful people, you read the little articles about their spending habits and their parties and their weddings and divorces and... ugh, it makes my stomach turn over a bit just reliving it. You do this for the 3-5 minutes you are waiting in line (sometimes its shorter, if your boyfriend gives you a hard time for getting sucked in and then you have to put the mag back and defend yourself that you just wanted to see the film reviews or, uh, whatever) and then the minute you get your change and walk out the door, you realize what you have done. And you just get sad because of it, since you promised yourself you wouldn't perpetuate the whole sick cycle anymore. The thing is, that in your stronger moments, you have recognized the pitfalls of celebrity culture. For you (because some people can remain healthy in their relationship with celebrity culture), you know that its not a good thing to begin tangling yourself up in the "news" you find in these magazines (or on E! or VH1 or the gossip section of MSN.com or whatever other outlet you can find). I think what happens to me (i am back to first person, its hard to go in 2nd person for so long), is that i start seeing what i never will have. I am seeing what i will never look like. I am recognizing who i will never be. And because i will never have it, somehow I want it. And in deeper introspection, i realize that the ideal of being beautiful and rich is not even what i should want in the first place. Its not bad to want to be attractive or to want to be stable financially, but its not what we should want in excess or over anything else. So i am doubly screwed, since i am wanting something i can't have and then seeing that i am wanting something i shouldn't want.
Proverbs 11:28 Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf.
2. Secondly, clothes. Further, hair. In addition, makeup. In a word: beauty. There is another haunting reality i am facing: you know how you go to your closet sometimes and no matter how many possible outfit combinations stare back at you, you cannot figure out WHAT TO WEAR?! This is me, nearly every morning. For some reason, even if i have just washed everything i own or just bought a new tank last week... it takes me so long to figure it out. And then, after way too long figuring out what to put on my body, i have to then tackle the hair. Now, though i get it cut at a very sassy salon by a very hipster hairstylist, my hair never ceases to anger/disatisfy/frustrate me every morning. And i don't even want talk about my face, cause its never enough, there is always an uimperfection here, a zit under there... and the color is too pale, the nose too big. And though i spend the better part of an hour getting ready, i still walk out of my house not quite sure that i look good enough. And for what? Desire? Acceptance? Really, deep down, what is it i am trying to accomplish every morning?
Proverbs 31:30Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
SO, what do these examples have to do with the distance between absence and excess? and shifting a paradigm? Second things first. The paradigm i am trying so hard to change, the way i have lived for so long, is the pattern of thinking that says, somehow, that what i have and what i look like are what define me. Its such a freaking cliche, "all you need is love," "money is the root of all evil," etc etc and i know that, but its so real right now for me.
I feel that this season, this time, is so definitive for me. I feel for the first time since i turned 18, like a real adult and i want to begin my adulthood with healthy thinking, with truth, with a paradigm that i can be proud of, that God could be proud of. I want to be defined by who i am, who i am made to be, not with the things i can earn or do. I don't think i have quite figured it all out yet, how to shift, to shift and not go back. But i am trying real hard. i hope that the image i am made in can be the image i see. That the riches i received for free can be all i need.
And back to the assignment:
The distance between absence and excess is... nothing. Because excess is absence.... it is absent of value, of meaning, absent of anything. And the only absence we need is that of the part of our self which makes us believe we need more than what we have so graciously been given.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
in pursuit of illumination
in pursuit of illumination, one must ignore any sense of their own nature and commit to the diligent task of denying everything they would normally want or do.
in pursuit of what is only light and without any sort of darkness, you become incredibly lonely and afraid at times, realizing that in pursuing light, you are implicity existing in and out of darkness.
What does the light need?
If you ask the most trusted and reliable source of information (google), it will tell you that:
the light needs a source
the light needs polishing
the light needs to be switched on where people issues and attitudes cause organizations to stumble
the light needs a little work
But sometimes light needs to be slowed down so that signals can be routed in the right direction
It would seem that if you pursue illumination too quickly, your speed will extinguish what you are pursuing.
and so i am still.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
i guess i will have to listen to them
i have to write. justin tells me, josh tells me, hannah told me all the time. my mom. dan in his sly way.
but what do i say?
I have to give up on lamenting about the lack of words there are out there in the world and just accept it. And write. More than I do.
Here is something i wrote the other day as part of an exercise at the staff retreat. We each wrote 'missionary letters' as if we were going out into the mission field and were asking for prayer/financial support from people. Mine turned into a blog entry.
MISSION 2005
Santa Cruz Stats:
In 2000, Santa Cruz’s population exceeded 255,000 people, with the racial majority being white. The Latino/Hispanic population is gaining in numbers and expected to rapidly increase in the next 15 years. Thirty four percent of the population is under 24 and 40% is aged 25-44. The religious make up of Santa Cruz is largely “unclaimed”, with an increasing number of alternative faiths each year. UC Santa Cruz has over 14,000 students, with only around 200 actively participating in any sort of on campus Christian organization. With a wide range of industries and occupations, Santa Cruz’s personality is often known as “weird” an eclectic city with an artsy flair and affinity for the unusual and under-appreciated. Highly educated, health-minded and every hippies dream, the city is a unique haven for those wanting to travel off the beaten path.
The roots of “religion” in Santa Cruz
Founded in 1850, Santa Cruz is one of the original cities in California. The mission built in the area preceded California’s statehood in 1850 and was completed in 1794. Before it was even completed, Mission Santa Cruz had already been attacked and partially burned by the Native American tribes in the area, who were reacting to the violent attempts by the missionaries to “convert” the original inhabitants of Santa Cruz. The brutal assassination of one of the original mission priests in 1812 seems to have set the tone for Santa Cruz’s often hostile attitude toward those claiming to be followers of Jesus. Then in 1857, a series of earthquakes ended up destroying the original Mission.
There is nothing left of the original Mission.
A new MISSION:
Despite two large non-denominational churches drawing large numbers of the over-35 crowd, Santa Cruz joins most of America in its declining number of people under 25 being part of any church. People are taking notice, though, and in 1996, Dan Kimball and Josh Fox endeavored to reach this age group with a re-envisioned idea of “church” and Graceland was birthed as a service of SCBC. Eventually, the idea of this service becoming its own church was realized and Vintage Faith Church, a full-fledged church plant, began its own gatherings in early 2004. After almost 2 years, it’s grown beyond a large college-age crowd and into an increasingly dynamic community.
Though at its heart, Vintage Faith Church remains similar theologically to its mother-church, the approach it takes to reaching those in Santa Cruz and beyond is as unique as the area in which is exists. Becoming a “WORSHIPING COMMUNITY OF MISSIONAL THEOLOGIANS” is at its heart, and BEING the church rather than GOING to church has become its hearts cry. As any missionary would study its culture, become familiar with its people and plan to strategically introduce the teachings of Jesus to those who are “unreached,” Vintage Faith Church sees itself as a collection of “missionaries”, essentially, an entire church on a mission. On a mission to change the way Santa Cruz thinks of Christianity. On a mission to be a community that loves others (in and out of the church) the way Jesus did. On a mission to BE JESUS to and in Santa Cruz.
A new Mission.
So, how’s it goin’?
After almost 2 years on staff with Vintage Faith Church, I have been increasingly amazed at how God works, despite our greatest successes and because of our greatest failures. After committing myself to God in the summer of 2000, my faith has never been tested as much as in the last year. And has never grown as much either. As I see it, only part of my “mission” has to do with what VFC has been doing: my personal walk with God, my interactions in family and friendships, and my everyday life are all part of the mission God has me on. But it’s been because of the mission of VFC and the people who help lead it, that I have been able to truly see how connected all of these aspects of my life truly are and how I must continually see my own life, wherever God has me living, working and playing, as a mission for Him.
but what do i say?
I have to give up on lamenting about the lack of words there are out there in the world and just accept it. And write. More than I do.
Here is something i wrote the other day as part of an exercise at the staff retreat. We each wrote 'missionary letters' as if we were going out into the mission field and were asking for prayer/financial support from people. Mine turned into a blog entry.
MISSION 2005
Santa Cruz Stats:
In 2000, Santa Cruz’s population exceeded 255,000 people, with the racial majority being white. The Latino/Hispanic population is gaining in numbers and expected to rapidly increase in the next 15 years. Thirty four percent of the population is under 24 and 40% is aged 25-44. The religious make up of Santa Cruz is largely “unclaimed”, with an increasing number of alternative faiths each year. UC Santa Cruz has over 14,000 students, with only around 200 actively participating in any sort of on campus Christian organization. With a wide range of industries and occupations, Santa Cruz’s personality is often known as “weird” an eclectic city with an artsy flair and affinity for the unusual and under-appreciated. Highly educated, health-minded and every hippies dream, the city is a unique haven for those wanting to travel off the beaten path.
The roots of “religion” in Santa Cruz
Founded in 1850, Santa Cruz is one of the original cities in California. The mission built in the area preceded California’s statehood in 1850 and was completed in 1794. Before it was even completed, Mission Santa Cruz had already been attacked and partially burned by the Native American tribes in the area, who were reacting to the violent attempts by the missionaries to “convert” the original inhabitants of Santa Cruz. The brutal assassination of one of the original mission priests in 1812 seems to have set the tone for Santa Cruz’s often hostile attitude toward those claiming to be followers of Jesus. Then in 1857, a series of earthquakes ended up destroying the original Mission.
There is nothing left of the original Mission.
A new MISSION:
Despite two large non-denominational churches drawing large numbers of the over-35 crowd, Santa Cruz joins most of America in its declining number of people under 25 being part of any church. People are taking notice, though, and in 1996, Dan Kimball and Josh Fox endeavored to reach this age group with a re-envisioned idea of “church” and Graceland was birthed as a service of SCBC. Eventually, the idea of this service becoming its own church was realized and Vintage Faith Church, a full-fledged church plant, began its own gatherings in early 2004. After almost 2 years, it’s grown beyond a large college-age crowd and into an increasingly dynamic community.
Though at its heart, Vintage Faith Church remains similar theologically to its mother-church, the approach it takes to reaching those in Santa Cruz and beyond is as unique as the area in which is exists. Becoming a “WORSHIPING COMMUNITY OF MISSIONAL THEOLOGIANS” is at its heart, and BEING the church rather than GOING to church has become its hearts cry. As any missionary would study its culture, become familiar with its people and plan to strategically introduce the teachings of Jesus to those who are “unreached,” Vintage Faith Church sees itself as a collection of “missionaries”, essentially, an entire church on a mission. On a mission to change the way Santa Cruz thinks of Christianity. On a mission to be a community that loves others (in and out of the church) the way Jesus did. On a mission to BE JESUS to and in Santa Cruz.
A new Mission.
So, how’s it goin’?
After almost 2 years on staff with Vintage Faith Church, I have been increasingly amazed at how God works, despite our greatest successes and because of our greatest failures. After committing myself to God in the summer of 2000, my faith has never been tested as much as in the last year. And has never grown as much either. As I see it, only part of my “mission” has to do with what VFC has been doing: my personal walk with God, my interactions in family and friendships, and my everyday life are all part of the mission God has me on. But it’s been because of the mission of VFC and the people who help lead it, that I have been able to truly see how connected all of these aspects of my life truly are and how I must continually see my own life, wherever God has me living, working and playing, as a mission for Him.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
girl interrupted
ok, so it is a foggy thursday and i am alone in the office and couldn't be happier. yesterday was one of those days where every 7 minutes a new distraction made me feel like i was slowly losing my mind. today, the silence is soothing me.
As I enjoy my silence, what its killing me is how addicted to comfort i am and how much i hate being interrupted from what is normal. You see, I have been meeting pretty regulalry with "H", a passionate, articulate, intelligent and wonderful woman who is a true spiritual seeker in every sense of the world. She has opened up her life and heart to me in so many ways and i cant believe the place i have in her life, as a confidant, a friend, a fellow dweller of "below the surface" life.
Everytime we hang out, I am overjoyed and refreshed to be with her, but the hours leading up to our meetings, I am filled with a sense of being so uncomfortable, like somehow i can't quite shake the feeling that i am going into an unknown place, an place where its not all easy and familiar. I feel like all my normal, comfortable ways are interrupted from their easy course. Its been like this consistently with her and yet, consistently i have been wrenched out of my expectation of the uncomfortable and by being with her, a new breath has been breathed into me, a new sight, a new view.
Last night was another epic night with H... she confided in me some of her struggles, she expressed her love of learning, she opened up about her confusion in defining her own morality... and it was so easy. I always feel like we could talk for hours and hours and hours.
My favorite parts of the talk were
us expressng our fear of change and the future (its easier to do what you have
always done, because to do something new is unknown and you never know how it
will turn out... thus why we stay in our patterns and don't grow)
exploring the reason its hard to connect with people sometimes (our
theory: many people live on "the surface" or even a gelatonous next layer
somewhere between the surface and the depths... what we prefer is to swim around
in the depths below the surface, to explore the unknown, to ask questions, to
keep seeing new things, to keep learning and growing)
the role of the
body and the mind (just because our bodies want things doesn't mean they are
right... we CAN discipline our bodies and we must, or we will only act on
instinct and impulse)
...and even the mutual addiction to the
comfortable (we all want what's immediately most comfortable to us, and we
default back to what we know is comfy, even if in our mind we know its not
right)
Epic nights like last night with H are another confirmation of how deeply i must cherish my friends. You dont meet people like H often and you don't have connections like this everyday.
The connection with H interrupts me and conjurs some phantom loss of comfort, but i love being a girl, interuppted for such a friendship as this.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
i am trying...
i am trying all my best to make it up to you for such inconsistency in my writing... you see, i am quite verbose, quite unable to make sense of everything and fit it so neatly into a box on a blog. Why is the lemon jelly man so good at it?
I have had quite a month: grieving all the goodbyes, joyous welcomes to friends from afar (yeah guests from the UK!!), tragedies which God somehow so quickly redeems.
I will tell you this much... i can't tell you enough.
An interesting mix of things i have been learning.
1. How to say Goodbye well: I think a lot has to do with recognizing what the person has been in your life and reminding them of exactly what they mean to you... long letters usually do it for me. Throwing parties is good, with a love chair where the honored person sits in a chair and everyone in the room goes around and says how much they love/appreciate/cherish/admire/respect the sitter of the love chair. that one is a winner when it comes to making someone feel special.
2. Just when you think you can't take much more, you get more... and you know, you can survive it. Its weird, i don't get it, but its true
3. A little time each day goes a long way... I have spent the last week spending a little time each night before bed reading Oswald and writing out prayers and an undeniable peace arises in me the next morning knowing that i have set aside time to just stop. I hate the quiet time cliche, but its really real to me right now.
4. Everyone can be an amazing photographer, and its all because of the digital camera revolution. Bethany said that, so I take no credit. See above picture :)
5. Seeing Coldplay twice in one week makes you hungry to hang out on Camden Rd in London and get to know the guys a bit more. I really want to just pick Chris Martin's brain, not because he is hot or talented or famous, but because he seems so genuine and thats what i think we all want in a friend.
6. Confrontation should not be an easy or a fun thing... if it is, your heart is not in the right place. You should feel uncomfortable doing it, because you should care about the person you are confronting enough to know that it will be hard for them to hear what you are saying. Perhaps in empathy, healing comes more readily.
7. San Francisco is farther away than you would think.
8. No matter how much i try, i become more and more uneasy in the "world"... not because i am becoming "of" it, but because my heart still remembers what it is like being "of" and then it just aches when it is "in" and still doesn't know how to balance it all out.
9. WHAT, I HOPE IT WASN'T ON MY COAT... its so funny in so many ways and situations and its the best that only Ames and Jus know what i mean.
10. i love good bands and i love good drives and i love good kisses... i won't lie.
more soon, i promise
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
too many goodbyes
i have said goodbye to 3 dear friends in the last 2 weeks and my heart is very sad. i don't quite know what to feel or think... its like losing something you can't replace, but also then losing your emotions about the losing as well. I may not be making sense. i wish i had more time to think, to feel. i know i am lost in the swirl of this season, most of it feels so disjointed... i forget how much all of this shows on my face. here is to sunnier days
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
the sun and the river finally come through
yep, the sun finally broke in sun river and boy do i love it!! its really beautful here, i must admit. I don't think i would buy a house here, but staying here for free is great. we river rafted all day yesterday and, as my dear friend Holly has expressed, there is just something about the river. i miss it, strangely, even though its only the 2nd time i have rafted, i really really love it.
I am a different person here. We are a group of 9: 2 my parents, 4 my siblings, 2 significant others of my siblings and 1 me. its been so long since we all spent time together in one place and i feel caught in who i used to be (reminds me of recent struggles to live out my "new" identity in Him, which is ever evolving). I am more quiet, less to say and less to contribute i feel. I feel almost completely opposite of the person i am at home and work. so different. i don't know if anyone from that world would know this person. its hard and good, exploring this other part of me, but i am still adjusting to this new skin.
so rafting, rafting was just amazing. out in the middle of the oregon desert, hot and dusty, but this lush little river winding its way through the brown. we got up really early again and i was my usual bright and sunny morning self ;)... we drove out for about 1.5 hours into this desert, jacketed up and jumped onto the river. all this movement, i need more of it. i am so still at home, the only muscle getting a good workout is my brain (followed closely by my fingers typing all day :) ). I loved just floating there, listening to our animated guide telling antidotes and jokes, all of us sort of silently listening, but still so tired from the early morning. We hit a few rapids, very chill, the sun and the scenery making up for the easy waters. The best parts of the day were when we got to a few 4-6 foot drops in the river and had to all row into them and then huddle towards the middle so we wouldn't fall out, me screaming and giggling in fear and delight. River "surfing" was amazing, getting the raft caught in the current going over a huge rock and sort of just sitting in the little suction it creates... its almost like sinking the boat on purpose, water gushing all over everyone and at the very last minute you get pulled out, everyone so happy we nearly sunk the thing. i can't explain why, but this was just the most fun, but made the least sense... so it is at times.
increasingly, i got more comfortable with being there, less in the shell and more out to be with everyone, but not over them. we laughed a lot after we "surfed" the same spot about 5 times and me and my sister were nearly sucked into the river while simultaneously we were being run over by another raft who didn't see us surfing. we were pretty much the most raucous raft out there, which i like, since i am a wanna-be rebel a lot of times. We then came to a "human rapid" which was a place where we could safely get out of the boat and get sucked into the rapids ourselves. There were dozens of red and yellow "lemmings" in the water too, other groups who were on the river jumping into it all together. We joined them and again, i could not stop laughing and screaming, the 50 degree water a shock to my sun drenched skin. We did it three times, i loved it, i couldn't get enough of jumping into the rapid water, being sucked into the white rapids and then swimming as hard as i could to the shore. I want to go again right now, i loved it so much and it feels like a sort of addiction now.
This morning, we got massages,which sounds teribly posh considering the state of most of the world. My massage woman was nice and as much as I wanted to stay silent, we got to talking, mostly about her son and college, the economy, housing prices etc. It finally came out that I worked in a church and she seemed happy, but did not ask more about it. We talked about the state of the world, the poverty and how utterly devastating it was. She just kept saying that all we can do is just take care of ourselves and do what we can that it right in front of us. She said ultimately all that matters is that we take care of ourselves, because if we don't do that, then we would never be able to help others. She did say that she knew without a doubt that whoever we believe in (i assume she meant whatever God we believe in) that they had a plan, that everything had a plan and that sometimes we can't understand it and we hust have to keep hoing. I agreed with her on that, and I added that perhaps in taking care of ourselves, we sometimes needed to take care of others in order to feed our own soul, in order to grow. She sort of dismissed it and just said we will hurt a lot of people in life and we just need to remember our intentions in the first place. The key, she said a few times, is to be open-minded.
I find it fascinating how easily the life philosophy's of people get revealed, even in one hour massages. I am fascinated at how much you can know of someone's views so quickly. She seems to share the similar widely held, but vague beliefs that a lot of people share. a vague outline of some Christ's teaching, but caught in the fog somewhere. General, but not clear. So interesting.
I am a different person here. We are a group of 9: 2 my parents, 4 my siblings, 2 significant others of my siblings and 1 me. its been so long since we all spent time together in one place and i feel caught in who i used to be (reminds me of recent struggles to live out my "new" identity in Him, which is ever evolving). I am more quiet, less to say and less to contribute i feel. I feel almost completely opposite of the person i am at home and work. so different. i don't know if anyone from that world would know this person. its hard and good, exploring this other part of me, but i am still adjusting to this new skin.
so rafting, rafting was just amazing. out in the middle of the oregon desert, hot and dusty, but this lush little river winding its way through the brown. we got up really early again and i was my usual bright and sunny morning self ;)... we drove out for about 1.5 hours into this desert, jacketed up and jumped onto the river. all this movement, i need more of it. i am so still at home, the only muscle getting a good workout is my brain (followed closely by my fingers typing all day :) ). I loved just floating there, listening to our animated guide telling antidotes and jokes, all of us sort of silently listening, but still so tired from the early morning. We hit a few rapids, very chill, the sun and the scenery making up for the easy waters. The best parts of the day were when we got to a few 4-6 foot drops in the river and had to all row into them and then huddle towards the middle so we wouldn't fall out, me screaming and giggling in fear and delight. River "surfing" was amazing, getting the raft caught in the current going over a huge rock and sort of just sitting in the little suction it creates... its almost like sinking the boat on purpose, water gushing all over everyone and at the very last minute you get pulled out, everyone so happy we nearly sunk the thing. i can't explain why, but this was just the most fun, but made the least sense... so it is at times.
increasingly, i got more comfortable with being there, less in the shell and more out to be with everyone, but not over them. we laughed a lot after we "surfed" the same spot about 5 times and me and my sister were nearly sucked into the river while simultaneously we were being run over by another raft who didn't see us surfing. we were pretty much the most raucous raft out there, which i like, since i am a wanna-be rebel a lot of times. We then came to a "human rapid" which was a place where we could safely get out of the boat and get sucked into the rapids ourselves. There were dozens of red and yellow "lemmings" in the water too, other groups who were on the river jumping into it all together. We joined them and again, i could not stop laughing and screaming, the 50 degree water a shock to my sun drenched skin. We did it three times, i loved it, i couldn't get enough of jumping into the rapid water, being sucked into the white rapids and then swimming as hard as i could to the shore. I want to go again right now, i loved it so much and it feels like a sort of addiction now.
This morning, we got massages,which sounds teribly posh considering the state of most of the world. My massage woman was nice and as much as I wanted to stay silent, we got to talking, mostly about her son and college, the economy, housing prices etc. It finally came out that I worked in a church and she seemed happy, but did not ask more about it. We talked about the state of the world, the poverty and how utterly devastating it was. She just kept saying that all we can do is just take care of ourselves and do what we can that it right in front of us. She said ultimately all that matters is that we take care of ourselves, because if we don't do that, then we would never be able to help others. She did say that she knew without a doubt that whoever we believe in (i assume she meant whatever God we believe in) that they had a plan, that everything had a plan and that sometimes we can't understand it and we hust have to keep hoing. I agreed with her on that, and I added that perhaps in taking care of ourselves, we sometimes needed to take care of others in order to feed our own soul, in order to grow. She sort of dismissed it and just said we will hurt a lot of people in life and we just need to remember our intentions in the first place. The key, she said a few times, is to be open-minded.
I find it fascinating how easily the life philosophy's of people get revealed, even in one hour massages. I am fascinated at how much you can know of someone's views so quickly. She seems to share the similar widely held, but vague beliefs that a lot of people share. a vague outline of some Christ's teaching, but caught in the fog somewhere. General, but not clear. So interesting.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
in the river of sun
i am being told to write about what its like to walk around in oregon. its really beauitful actually, quite stunning, but normal. Really nature-y, you know, but it sometimes seems sort of Truman Show-esque, like its outside, but really really clean, all the rows and rows of trees and the water is really clear. Its like suburban woods, but its real, though, you know?
i borrowed "the call" from a friend, one of the only ones who reads this blog regularly (i left you a note, nabajuice :) ) and i was struck by this quote... (am i turning into grace squared or what?)
True seekers are different. On meeting them you feel their purpose, their energy, their integrity, their idealism, and their desire to close in on an answer. Something in life has awakened questions, has made them aware of a sense of need, has forced them to consider where they are in life. They have become seekers because something has spurred their quest for meaning and they have to find an answer.
True seekers are looking for something. They are people for whom life or a part of life, has suddenly become a point of wonder, a question, a problem, or a crisis. This happens so intensely that they are stirred to look for an answer beyond their present answers and to clarify their position in life. However the need arise, whatever it calls for, the sense of need consumes searchers and launches them on their quest. Notice that “a sense of need” does not justify peoples believing. People do not come to believe in the answers they seek because of the need- that would be irrational and make the believer vulnerable to the accusation that faith is a crutch. Rather, seekers disbelieve in what they believed before because of new questions their previous beliefs could not answer. Os Guiness “The Call”
I do believe i met a true seeker a few weeks ago and we had lunch right before i left for vacation. it was refreshing to talk with her, to hear what she is so passionate about and how intelligent and engaging and real she is. I cannot believe that i get to know her and just be part of her true seeking. what a gift.
up early on Sat morning, really early, actually... up early enough to borrow "the call" from the office in sc and be back in sv in time to leave for out 9 hour drive to oregon. it was easy, passing quickly, i didn't drive at all. i talked with my stepmom and sister much of the time and i love their minds and heart. i love them so much. they were so anxious about the rest of the family flying up in my dads 4seater plane. i wasn't really worried- i guess death feels like it would be a relief, so i am not scared of it as much. but i am sometimes. maybe i was tired. i journaled the last 2 pages in my journal and it felt good for it to be over, done, a completion.
one thing that struck me as we saw oregon today was the quote "why did you have to pick a christianity which sends people to hell? why didn't you chose a different, more liberal one? why not another religion with different values?"
and i cannot answer for the life of me, because.....
and i have no way of explaining how or why....
it just did.
i borrowed "the call" from a friend, one of the only ones who reads this blog regularly (i left you a note, nabajuice :) ) and i was struck by this quote... (am i turning into grace squared or what?)
True seekers are different. On meeting them you feel their purpose, their energy, their integrity, their idealism, and their desire to close in on an answer. Something in life has awakened questions, has made them aware of a sense of need, has forced them to consider where they are in life. They have become seekers because something has spurred their quest for meaning and they have to find an answer.
True seekers are looking for something. They are people for whom life or a part of life, has suddenly become a point of wonder, a question, a problem, or a crisis. This happens so intensely that they are stirred to look for an answer beyond their present answers and to clarify their position in life. However the need arise, whatever it calls for, the sense of need consumes searchers and launches them on their quest. Notice that “a sense of need” does not justify peoples believing. People do not come to believe in the answers they seek because of the need- that would be irrational and make the believer vulnerable to the accusation that faith is a crutch. Rather, seekers disbelieve in what they believed before because of new questions their previous beliefs could not answer. Os Guiness “The Call”
I do believe i met a true seeker a few weeks ago and we had lunch right before i left for vacation. it was refreshing to talk with her, to hear what she is so passionate about and how intelligent and engaging and real she is. I cannot believe that i get to know her and just be part of her true seeking. what a gift.
up early on Sat morning, really early, actually... up early enough to borrow "the call" from the office in sc and be back in sv in time to leave for out 9 hour drive to oregon. it was easy, passing quickly, i didn't drive at all. i talked with my stepmom and sister much of the time and i love their minds and heart. i love them so much. they were so anxious about the rest of the family flying up in my dads 4seater plane. i wasn't really worried- i guess death feels like it would be a relief, so i am not scared of it as much. but i am sometimes. maybe i was tired. i journaled the last 2 pages in my journal and it felt good for it to be over, done, a completion.
one thing that struck me as we saw oregon today was the quote "why did you have to pick a christianity which sends people to hell? why didn't you chose a different, more liberal one? why not another religion with different values?"
and i cannot answer for the life of me, because.....
i feel like it chose me
and i have no way of explaining how or why....
it just did.
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