Rain and Shine

Today, I turn 31. I keep saying 31-derful, as it makes it sound more youthful and hopeful than just 31. Generally, I try not to lament getting older, but sometimes it does get to me... and it was getting to me a bit this year. Thankfully, God has been reminding me today about some things... about the absolute gift each season of our life truly is, about how faithful He has been to me at every point in my life, about His plan to redeem each and every part of my past, about his constant and ever-presence that I can always count on.

The things is, Brian and I are buying a house (with the overwhelmingly generous financial support of our parents). Yep, it's happening. It's crazy and weird and fun and scary and overwhelming and wonderful. All at once. It all began on Sept 13th, when at about 5pm, we got a call that our offer was accepted. We had seen the house only 24 hours before, put an offer on it and then the offer was accepted. Just like that. After about a year of searching, and getting rejected 5 previous times (mostly for tiny condos in not so great locations), we were on track to buy a 1949 2-bedroom, 1.5 bath cottage on 9,500+ square foot property (by Santa Cruz standards, this is GIANT) in lovely Soquel. The minute we got the word that our offer was accepted, my heart began pounding and my mind began reeling... what have we done!?!? This is awesome, but also SO SCARY. This will be the biggest purchase of our lives and make us "home owners." WHAT?!

Our new home on Rosedale!

The following weeks brought a slew of legal/real estate terms we had to learn and home owning skills we needed to acquire - and for me, a slew of fears and anxieties. Up until I was in my early 20's, most major life transitions had been disastrous and painful - my parents divorce, a close family members addiction/rehab, parents' re-marriage and subsequent acquisition of a step-family, a series of painful break-ups for me. Any significant change in my life usually brought darkness and pain, and so big transitions (to my heart and mind) are associated with and bring about fear, anxiety and overwhelm. It wasn't until I was in my mid-20's that things stabilized. God had brought me out of what seemed like too many dark seasons and I finally began listening to Him when it came to making wise choices and choosing to trust Him fully with all parts of my life. And much of the darkness in my past moved towards redemption, as I saw the growth and blessings that occurred out of the rubble of my family breaking apart and my (many) failed romances.

One of the most redemptive aspects of this process has been my marriage to Brian. Though it took much soul searching and (a still in proces) reconstruction of my fearful and broken heart, God gave me the incredible gift of a man whose love is solid, rooted in God's love and promises and whose character is better and stronger than I could have ever dreamed. Instead of pulling me under and sinking me, his love has helped to redeem me and drawn me closer to the One who made me. The theme for our wedding was "home," as we always said we felt we had found a Home in each other. We ran this theme through so many aspects of our celebration- we got married at my Dad's house, on a wood platform constructed from the deck of my Mom's old house. I wore my grandmother's wedding dress. We used wood from Brian's sister's home to create our signage. We hung pictures of our parent's and grandparents and great grandparent's weddings. After we were pronounced "man and wife", we walked out to Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zero's song "Home". We even had our "first look" and took our pictures in the old abandoned house behind my parents property that I had always been afraid of growing up. Instead of a it continuing to be a fearful place to me, I was able to see the beauty of it - overgrown with vines and flooded with peaceful lighting, this old home perfectly embodied all the redemption God was showing me through this wedding and marriage to Brian.

And now, as we face the next big transition in our lives, I have been reminded again of my need to trust in God and to rely on His presence and His redemptive purposes for my life. Though I have seen him work so profoundly in my life over the last few years, when faced with these deeply embedded fears, it has been easy for me to revert back to my "old" thinking... to be held captive by fear, to feel anxious about every detail, to doubt His provision and to try and control all aspects of what is happening. Given these knee-jerk emotional reactions, the last few weeks have been... interesting... to say the least. The unrest and anxiety in my heart not only affects the home buying process, it affects my relationships, my marriage, my work... its like those emotions and reactions just bleed all over everything, even when I am trying to contain them to their respective source.

Just last night, Brian held me while I cried, wrestling with my old self and my new self. "I don't want to be my old self anymore, I don't want to be that girl," I sobbed. Overcome by the patterns/behaviors from my past, I have been feeling stuck these last weeks. I intellectually know that I am not the same person and that my life is different now... but at some cellular level, I still remember that old person and somehow fall back into her ways when I get spooked. My mom says it is like a rut and when it rains, the water falls right back into that same space where it always goes. Being the wonderful man he is, Brian prayed over me and encouraged me that I am not that same girl and that I can be the person I am now.

Just after signing papers!

Waking up today, I wanted to believe this. The weather was a bit gloomy and I am generally not a fan of rain, so I was bummed it was raining on my birthday. Oh well. The day went on and then we found out that we were going to be signing the papers for our house this afternoon. Hmm.... how fitting. I turn 31 and I buy a house. I am a true adult. Driving over to the title company today, I knew this moment was significant. After over an hour of signing documents, the reality of it sunk in. We are buying this house. We are doing this. And instead of fear, I felt joy. There was not even an ounce of fear. Yes, it was sobering. Yes, there is unknown in this huge decision. But the overwhelming sense was one of joy. We are doing this!!!

Double Rainbow: picture does not do it justice

Once the papers were signed and the cashiers check turned in, I called my mom- I was EXCITED to tell her about this special moment, not afraid! As I was driving and talking to her, I turned the corner to head home and up in front of me was a deep gray sky with not one but TWO rainbows - double rainbow!! (insert viral video joke here). Rainbows have traditionally been associated with God's promises and faithfulness .... and not only did He give me a joyful spirit for this big day of signing papers, but here He was, showing me loud and clear with these beautiful rainbows- I AM HERE!! I am WITH YOU!! I am not leaving, I am not giving up, I am not forsaking you... I am HERE! I am good, I want good things for you, and I am faithful to take you through every season - good or bad!! Of course, tears of joy fell as I saw this and I was overcome with a flood of peace and contentment deep in my soul.

I love, too, that He chose rainbows to show me His presence ... they exist not just in brilliant sun; they exist as a result of both sun and rain. Darkness and light. Life... it's both. Always, always both. Is God real and present in this joyful moment of realization? Yes. And is He real in the times of darkness and fear? Yes. He is with us through both, always. I rejoice in the hard, difficult, confusing times I have been through, because I know He was with me in those times. And I rejoice now, in this joyful, peaceful and exciting season, as I know He is with me here and now, too.


My prayer as I go into this next year of life is that I can continually trust in the reality of God's presence, even when things are hard/confusing/dark and I don't "feel" Him... and that I can continually trust in the reality of His presence when He gives me good gifts and wants me to celebrate and rest in the beauty of this life. Amen, Amen.

31, here we come.

As I finished this post, here is the view from our current apartment,

Hungry for Change... again...

The first time we went through the Hungry for Change experience (about a month ago), I remember it almost being over and already dreading having to do it again. Heading into Day 4 of the second time through this thing, I know why.

Prior to starting our second experience of this "fast," I definitely was not dreading it like I was the first one. It's crazy how much power our minds have and I remember the first time not knowing how I would feel, and what the hunger would be like, and worrying over whether I could make it. Having completed the first experience, I knew I could do it, so I didn't worry too much. It was fascinating interacting with people who are part of our church who were doing it for the first time, as they were feeling the same anxiety I felt - how will I make it through 5 days? What will it be like? How will I feel?

The first few days of round two were not as hard as the ones of round one, and I figured that my body had experienced this before and so had adjusted itself to know what to expect. I could see those Day 2 & 3 effects on some of the VFC staff who I had meetings with on Monday and Tuesday - lethargy, exhaustion, distraction, anxiety, moodiness... yes, even a grumpy pants or two. I felt some level of relief that I wasn't feeling so low and, true confessions, I even felt a bit smug that I wasn't feeling as badly as everyone else.

And then the end of Day 3 hit me.

Instead of being such a strong physical ache for food, this second time has produced a more intense mental battle. My body is not so much craving food and causing me to lust after any food item I happen to pass by or see... it's my mind. I will be going through the day and all of the sudden, all I can think about is how much I want to eat and what I would eat if I could eat, and I how I HATE not being able to have what I want, and how I can't wait for it to be Friday because then I can do what I want, eat what I want and feel better.

This war in my mind is a very powerful one indeed. Getting past the physical effects of such an experience and into what's going on inside has produced in me a new level of understanding about myself. I am far more selfish and self-centered than I had imagined. I am far more privileged than I realized. I am far more unaware of the world and its pain and suffering than I want to admit. My temptation is to keep making the effects of this experience about ME - how bad I feel, how much I want this to be over, how difficult this is for me. But, it's not about me.

It's not about me.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

Millions- no, BILLIONS- of people live this way EVERY DAY. I can't even imagine this. It is too difficult and overwhelming to fully comprehend. I want to ignore this reality and just keep focusing on my own short view of my self, my work, my efforts at getting through this uncomfortable and annoying experience. And yet...

What if at every twinge of hunger, I called on the God of the universe to bring his mercy and justice to lives of the hungry around the world?

What if with every thought of wanting more, I called on the sovereign God over all to provide for the least of these who feel this way all the time?

What if I turned each mental battle over to Him, and called on the Comforter and Redeemer to bring His love and light to people who have nothing?


     What if....?

Hungry for Change: Part 5... We made it!

Relief... and joy. Those were my feelings when I bit into my first non-beans/rice/oatmeal related food on Friday evening.... a dried mango (one of my weird food obsessions). I had actually given up eating all together on Friday afternoon, I simply could not bear the thought of one more bowl of beans and rice, so I just fasted for lunch that day and waited til the evening to eat. Being a big rule-follower, I felt badly not eating that last bit of the food, but honestly, I couldn't do it... I could not do it. This gave me another insight/ facet to this whole experience- when someone gets sick of eating the same food they have to eat day after day, they don't have the option of just not eating til they can "break the fast"-- they have to suck it up and eat at some point, cause it's all they got. This pierced into me, this reality... this lack of options, this forced diet. I loathed my American perspective, my privileged position, and felt it important to not complain too much about these 5 days or even to complain about food in general from here on out.

The gift of the timing for Hungry for Change is that my sister was in town from Wisconsin and we planned a big family meal the night we got to back to normal foods. Luckily, it was a meal chalk full of delicious veggies- the thing I missed the most during the HFC experience, which is strange, given my strong propensity towards sugar. As we dug into the amazing salad, warm bread with garlic/olive oil/vinaigrette, and incredible lentil & veggie soup, I was just overjoyed and so thankful. Look what we get to eat!!! I was beaming and deeply greatful. Another insight: it's not wrong to LOVE food and to thoroughly enjoy it!! It is one of the greatest things in life... but I think it's so important to be thankful for it, to truly understand what a gift it is, and to always seek a way to share this blessing with as many people as possible.

As the next couple of days progressed, I was surprised at how easily we fell back into normal eating habits. We couldn't eat as much as we had before, but we definitely enjoyed the bounty of California's central coast, eating a great breakfast and then sharing a big meal last night with friends. As I was chopping up some summer squash to roast for that big meal, I was struck for a moment as I piled them to the side... they were so beautiful, the design and color, and then later, the taste. What a true gift, and what an incredible design of God's, to make this stuff we get to enjoy, to eat and share with people we love, to have it nourish us and give us what we need physically, mentally and emotionally. And, as we are to love how God loves, how important it is for us to stop at nothing to make sure everyone gets a fair chance chance to enjoy such gifts.

Hungry for Change: Part 4... Perspective

Though I have found this to be a dynamic and thought-provoking experience, I am ready for it to be over. It's has definitely gotten physically easier for us as the days go on, and I don't feel the consistent hunger pangs I had the first couple of days. However, I still struggle with the limited menu and keeping myself reigned in when all I want to do eat is something, ANYTHING but oatmeal, beans and rice.

On the evening of Day 3, we visited with another set of friends over in San Jose. We met them at a coffeeshop and all drank tea together-- they were eager to hear what new diet prevented us from sharing dinner with them. (side note, once settled into our conversation, we realized that this coffeeshop suffered from what Portlandia calls "Bad Art, Good Walls"- see picture for example) We explained what we were doing with HFC this week and they thought it was a really innovative and interesting concept. One of these friends has struggled for the last couple of years with an unknown illness that has wreaked havoc on her digestive system, causing her body to reject most of the food she tried to eat and leaving her to go for sometimes weeks at a time with little to no food. The illnesses effects are evident in her massive weight loss and her and her boyfriends inability to go to many social events and outings. She, of anyone, could understand what we were experiencing-- even more than us, she has suffered over the course of months and months, has been unable to have control over her food and really, her life for so long, I can't imagine how she must feel. I felt suddenly ridiculous for complaining about 5 days of not eating much, knowing how deeply and profoundly she has suffered. But what I love and what gives me such hope (and even shows me how deeply real God is), is that instead of complaining or lamenting or even calling us out on our (now obviously) petty whining, she shared that because of her prolonged period of experiencing that hunger, she is dedicated to doing something with her life that can help people who are hungry around the world. Her eyes lit up when she shared this, and she said it in a way that was so matter of fact, so decided, it struck me that this was exactly what she would do.

Day 4 was more of a mixed experience for us. By about 6pm, we were dreading another bowl of rice & beans, and by 7:30pm, we were ready to go to sleep. Our energy just felt so depleted. We dragged ourselves out to a friends' concert and though the music was great and we had tons of friends around, I kept getting distracted by the bowls of chips & salsa and the slices of delicious cake being served at the venue. I wanted one SO BAD. It's all I could think of at times, especially when I wasn't engaged in conversation or absorbed in the music... food. food. food. I think more than a physical challenge, Hungry for Change is a mental challenge... training my mind to not think of things I wasn't allowed to have, training my thoughts to divert to other things besides the hunger and longing. It's incredible how powerful the mind is. I even dreamed of food that night, waking up to realize that we still had 2 more days and my portioned oatmeal serving was just waiting for me in the kitchen.

Hungry for Change: Part 3... what helps the hunger?

After some encouraging texts/notes from a few others who have undertaken this challenge, I was anticipating a better Day 3. And, don't ya know it, they were right! Actually, things got better even sooner than that.

We got home around 5:30pm on Day 2, and could hardly wait til our proposed 6:30pm mealtime. Instead of spending time snacking or preparing food, we just drank tea and read books... for some reason, we didn't even feel motivated to flip on the TV or go online. There was this draw towards simplicity and quiet, and it actually felt good and refreshing. Dinner went quickly, and the hunger remained. We busied ourselves cleaning the house, anticipating a visit from some new friends/neighbors who had planned to come by and play games with us. I had awkwardly explained to one of these new friends that we couldn't do a dinner date with them because we were doing this "rice and beans thing" as part of a church project to identify with the poor, downplaying it and not wanting to make us sound all holy and "better than thou." She was not put off at all, and actually thought it was pretty cool.

In the end, it turned out that going to their place was a better fit, so we walked to their house as the final light of the day was disappearing, and it felt good to move around. My body had already been feeling lighter and more taut, this sense that I wasn't carrying around extra anything- I felt more sensitive to movement, touch, and overall, just lighter. As we arrived, the first questions from our new friends were all about what this challenge was and why we were doing it. It was encouraging to hear how excited they were about it. The gal even said she was intrigued to try it, which is so great, as she isn't part of any church and yet she felt drawn to it and not freaked out that it was a church-related thing. Being with them for a few hours seemed to help stave off the hunger, and we thoroughly enjoyed drinking tea and chatting the night away. Leaving their house back out into the cold night, I almost forgot about the hunger. This was my first hint about what helps the hunger.

Waking up into Day 3, I wasn't even hungry. Something felt like it had adjusted in me, and I couldn't even eat the full portion of oatmeal that morning, saving it for a midday snack. I spent most of the day with people - in a bible study, in a few meetings, chatting to a friend - and I slowly realized that being with people and engaging myself with them seemed to help my mind forget about the hunger. Is this what helps the hunger? Interacting with others and not being so focused on the self, perhaps it averts my minds natural tendency to focus on myself, my needs, my wants. It's surprising how drastically different Day 3 was from Day 2. Granted, I was (and am) still craving food and wish I could eat whatever I want. This need for getting exactly what I want when I want it made me realize how truly self-focused I have become in this area of my life (and other areas, too) without even realizing it. I loved what the Day 2 Trade as One email had to say about this:

"As you have realized by now, Hungry for Change eliminates most of your food choices for five days. This feels strange and counter-cultural! On top of that, because we’d cooked up the rice and beans in advance and were just getting the daily portions out of the freezer, meal preparation took less than five minutes. This meant that the pursuit of food, the decisions involved, and the pleasure that it brings, were almost completely eliminated from our thoughts during the day. It certainly felt freer and simpler, and yet it felt strange not to make all those choices. The food intake had been decided for us and wasn’t designed all around our own personal choices and desires."

In this process, I am becoming very aware of how much I want to control and have myriad options at my finger tips at all time - with food and with many other aspects of life. Because I am purposely limiting myself right now, I am seeing just how many choices we have for food (and other stuff) on a daily basis. I am noticing the restaurants, the coffeeshops, the grocery stores and all the choices available within them to those who have the means. Is this necessary for us, these thousands of options? Is it good for us? The simplicity of this "fast" and the way its affecting my thinking is causing me to consider that perhaps there is another way...

Hungry for Change: Part 2... the empty feeling

Ok, we are less than 24 hours into this thing and I am feeling... miserable. I waited til 10am-ish for breakfast, which was ok (though, I am not a big oatmeal fan). Within an hour or two, lunch was on my mind and I was shocked at how hungry I had become so quickly. When the time came, eating the lunch portion of beans/rice/tomato sauce was DELIGHTFUL, until I realized that I had reached the bottom of the container and was still pretty hungry. Ugh. Two hours later, I am already very hungry and wishing so much I hadn't done this thing. My body is lethargic and my mind is having trouble focusing and working. My energy level feels like it's lowering, lowering, lowering and I could seriously fall asleep at my desk. I feel really really empty. How do people live like this? How do they work at physically demanding jobs like this? How? I am sad that this is how most people in the world feel most of the time, and I am sad that I am so miserable after less than 24 hours. I don't have any spiritual wisdom or insights, except that I feel empty and sad.

Hungry for Change: Part 1

So, yet again, another year has passed with only a few posts on my ever-neglected blog. oy. I always say I will get better about blogging and never do. You know what they say about good intentions...

Well, what prompted me to hop back in the blogging saddle is the HUNGRY FOR CHANGE challenge that Brian and I are undertaking this week. What's that, you ask? Well, let me give you the official run-down:

From TRADE AS ONE's site

Hungry for Change is a group experience designed to help people stand in solidarity with the global poor in a powerful way.

Hungry for Change is a 5 day challenge which allows you to experience something like the type and level of consumption of food and drink that half the world’s population, who live on less than $2 per day, experience on a daily basis.

Food for Five Days: The pack, which costs $25, contains enough rice, beans and oatmeal to sustain one person for five days at the typical calorific intake of those on $2 a day.

Equip and Reflect: The program is fully supported with a detailed instruction and information booklet, and with a week of thought-provoking and reflective emails sent directly to each participant to encourage them on the journey and to help them turn their thoughts towards God’s purposes during the experience

Provide Food for the Hungry: Through its partnership with Food for the Hungry, Trade as One has designed the pack so that each one purchased also supplies beans that, when planted and grown, will feed one person for a whole year in the developing world.

Provide Dignified Jobs: The rice in the pack is fair trade certified and provides dignified employment to rural farmers in Thailand that keeps communities together and prevents urban migration.

Calculate (and Donate) the Savings: Participants are encouraged to calculate the difference between what they would normally spend on food and drink in 5 days, and the $25 cost of the Hungry for Change pack. Churches and groups then encourage their participants to give towards some designated cause that is close to their hearts and related to issues of poverty. An average amount saved per person over 5 days is around $75.

In about 2 months, as part of our HOLE IN OUR GOSPEL teaching series, we will be challenging the people of Vintage Faith to undertake Hungry for Change, so a small group of us from the GlobalTeam are "trying" this thing out before we promote it to hundreds of VFC-er's. By doing this ahead of the rest of the church, we get to see what it feels like, to experience the process so that we can more effectively express what it's like and hopefully encourage others to take the leap and give it a try.

So, true confessions? I am TERRIFIED of this whole deal. Like, sort of freaking out. I REALLY love food, I love eating, I mean like love love love it, so being restricted and feeling hungry for five days is really daunting to me. All week, I have been subtly dreading this, and now it is here.

Tonight, Brian and I had our first "dinner" - about 1/2 cup of rice, 2/3 cup of black beans and a simple tomato paste sauce. The food actually tasted quite good and I didn't feel deprived in the flavor aspect of the challenge *(in the instruction booklet, Nathan and Cath George- co-founders of TAO and creators of HFC- make the case that though the world's poor eat very little food, they often figure out ways for it to be flavorful, thus the ability to add a bit of sauce and spices to the food we eat this week).

After dinner, we then portioned and prepared our food for the next few days. As we calculated the amount we could eat for each meal, I began to panic a bit. Each scoop felt so small, and I imagined myself eating it, the hunger not going away, having to face the emotional and physical demands of a busy work day while my stomach ached and went unsatisfied. That feeling of dread set in and I scraped every loose grain of rice up and made sure it was all accounted for in our portions. The sinking sense of wanting and not having was already taking over my mind and it was deeply uncomfortable.

As we finished the preparations, my emotions swung from desperation and self-pity to a growing awareness of how very much I have. I looked at all the kitchen tools we used to prepare this food, at the food we already had in our fridge and cupboards, at the luxury we experience compared to the people around the world who eat like this all the time. Guilt swept over me, and I sort of hated myself for feeling nervous and even dreading having to eat this way for a short 5 days. I am sure this first evening's emotions and anxieties are just a microcosm of what this week will be like, but I am already becoming aware of how much it will stir up in me, hoping that beyond my own selfish response to this challenge, I can reach a place where I am able to focus my heart on the people who this is really about, and ultimately, to take up the challenge to respond to God's call on my life to serve and love the least of these.

Here's hoping...