he is one hungry soul

((late night randomness without cohesion))


so my grandma says grandpa can't eat anything, not even jell-o. they still can't see each other, she in the nursing home, he in the icu. he had one of his first lucid conversations this weekend, which makes me happy.... last week, it became almost unbearable for me to imagine him spending that last part of his life without being able to actually talk to anyone, especially his kids, clearly.

grandma says this is the hardest time of their whole lives, both of them being so sick. and this sounds so dramatic to type out, to share... but she is on month 3 of her 3-6 months the docs gave her till her heart gives out. we always thought she would be the first one to go, having been sick so long, but now grandpa isnt doing too well either. all grandma wants is for them to be at home, like it was before and for her to be able to lay in the bed next to him. she has even told my dad she will be the one to take care of him, thats right all 20% of her functioning heart caring for the man shes been married to for 53 years, who has taken care of her for most of those years.

all this makes me see death more clearly, or i guess you could say makes me see death as reality, not some far-away thing. i dont think i have ever endured the suffering of having death around me all the time or the suffering of knowing its so near. even just being in such proximity to it now is jarring. dan spoke about it today for easter, the reality of death and reality of eternal choices. i just dont know how anyone can endure the sort of suffering my grandparents are in-- or how they can endure the suffering thats felt a million ways in a million people in a million places all over over the world-- without the hope of a life after this. how?


i drove my car over the hill today and thought about how much i love my grandparents, but how i dont see them very much. and how much of their love is actually formative love, love that made me who i am-- they were around for the first 5 years of my life and loved me so much and spent so much time with me, that i feel so strongly they were a huge part of building my foundation and self-awareness and self worth. and i thought about how i love them so much, but its often at a distance and often out of memory. then i looked at the cars around me, and thought that i dont really know the people driving aorund me, but some part of me does love them, since they are people and i have a basic love for humanity. but i love them only as we drive in a pack along a windy road, slowing for accidents and curbs, taking exits and disappearing. and i thought about how much i love my parents, who i see all the time and who are such a huge part of my life and who are in an ongoing relationship with me and know my details and news and updates and ups and downs, how their love is present, daily, there. and i thought about how maybe sometimes our loving of God is a lot like how we love the people around us. maybe sometimes we love at a distance, maybe sometimes we love like we know we will pull of at the next exit... maybe sometimes we love daily, in the present, in the details.

i listened to a song in my car today and it sung " i wanna live and i wanna breathe, to search out your heart and all of your mystery"-- and i got to thinking about God's mystery and how i have spent 7 years getting to know God and still dont know even a tiny percent of him, but how i have given up, in some ways, trying to search out his mystery, since i feel like He can't show me anything new any more-- except more examples of the things i already get. either i am in for big disappointment or a big surprise or a big fat fall on my face....

grandma says grandpa is one hungry soul and i liked how she said it, because my soul is hungry, too