things come out so much better late at night, i have so much honesty in here.
i wish i was cohesive enough to have a larger theory about things. what would i say, if i were going to give a message to everyone, whats my theory? whats my saying? whats my thing?
i am finding that i often think i know what that thing is, and i live on it for a while, only to outgrow it for something else. i am making no sense, but as i write, it feels good. sometimes only a picture, a light, an image, a song, music and words written out on paper in a meandering manner can say what you mean to say. i talk a lot a lot a lot, say so many things, figure out so much, analyze critique understand, come to so many conclusions. but in the end,
i
don't
know.
i want to keep going with this idea about songs saying something, poetry/stream of conscious/cryptic statement saying something, art in general saying something... because they do, don't they? why does the way a room looks put together in such a way say so much? why do lyrics to melodies to choruses to hooks make me feel better, worse, moved, loved, part of and outside? why do these fingers tap tap tapping make so much sense?
why have i started so many books i have not finished?
why does one day feel so good and the next...?
why does it take so long to feel this way?
why are hearts so easily bruised?
why, in the sun coming down and the warmth, am i whole?
why, the next second, so much frustration and confusion.
no conclusions. just more songs, more looks, more subtlety, more imagery and more of what you can't quite say but you just feel.
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4 comments:
from one word-lover-talker-
overwhelmed-observer-feeler to another:
"For I resolved to know nothing (to be acquainted with nothing, to make a display of the knowledge of nothing, and to be conscious of nothing) among you except Jesus Christ (the Messiah) and Him crucified..."
(at least thats the goal, right?!) :)
the thing about having a ‘a vague sense of hipster awareness’ is that God gives us vision for our future – the shape he wants us to be and the things he wants us to put our hand to. i think it’s nearly impossible (for me anyway) to have the wherewithal to bring it all into focus. i’m learning to be satisfied, for now at least, to catch glimpses of the goodness he’s working within me and those around me. for the longest time, i would get on one crusade thinking that my ‘story’ was to be told one way – only to change my mind six months later. when i became a nurse, i wanted nothing more than to pour my all into being the best ER nurse i could be. now, my vision has changed and want much more from myself…
often times i feel like a failed christian because there’s nothing cookie cutter about me. nothing. i’m sparatic, often cynical, and hold a bit too much negative opinion about my church with not enough follow through. i can see now that all these things are shaping me into something great. songs seem to have a way of moving me toward greater. even as i write, i’m hearing Over the Rhine sing ‘failed christian.’ the words seep in much deeper than my brain… my cohesion is even more unraveled now because it’s 4am here and i’ve had a glass of red.
“maybe sorta, kinda, if i really had to say, something good is on it’s way. and we’re gonna’ pull through.” - another OtR song called ‘we’re gonna pull through’. iTunes it and you’ll understand.
i enjoy your words and even if i never move to santa cruz (which i hope is not the case) i’ll enjoy reading them…
__shaneMark.
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