survival

i was driving to work today, listening to death cab's piano intro to "what sarah said" (which lends itself to lots of introspective thinking) and as i pulled in to stop at the light, i watched a homeless man walking along the side of the road towards the new shelter on river st. he threw up his arms as if startled and looked around. then he leaned his head back just so slightly and sighed. as i lost sight of his front, i focussed only his mismatched clothes and his posture leaning forward, going towards a nothing he wished was something.

when i was really young, i used to be deathly afraid of ending up homeless. i felt like it was just a few bad choices away, life on the street. like somehow if i didnt follow this exact right path, leaned my foot too far in one direction, wasnt paying attention to something big that would cause me to fall, that i would end up without anything or anyone. survival as an adult seemed so unstable, so uncertain. how did you end up comfortable, without fear of losing everything? of course survival is so much more complicated than that- our hearts are always causing complication even with the basic necessities being provided.

i started driving again and as i steadied my way up the hill towards mission st, i saw on the side of the road two heads bobbing along between the road and the fence- a homeless man and woman heading the same direction as the man before. there they were between a road full of cars on their way somewhere and a fence closing in a huge concrete company working steadily way. two people walking.

homesick

its funny because the last time i wrote on this blog, i was halfway around the world, seeing sights, experiencing a new culture, soaking up the travel life and i was just fine. and now here i sit one month after my return, on my couch, in my house, in my hometown and i am homesick.

i have this working theory that those of us who try to follow after jesus have a special awareness that we as humans are not ever really at home here on earth, in these lives, in these bodies, there situations. based on that one part in 1 peter where it says something about us being aliens, foregeiners in a strange land, i have formulated this idea that no matter how hard we try, we wont ever feel totally like we are home, that we will always be yearning for a place that we cant quite get to yet.

its so deceiving, because we can be satiated with so many things of this life... we get used to certain comforts, certain expected ways of being, certain certainties. but nothing ever remains really constant. and when they do for awhile, we are bored and complain of stagnancy. its like, deep down we are just uncomfortable with this place- our souls, our very beings know something is wrong- but we just keep trying to cover that up and move from one feeling of comfort to the next.

when we lose a comfort that we got used to, especially a big one, like a person we love, or a place we counted on, or a way of being in the world that was easy... it devastates us. reminds us of our transience. shakes out the false comfort and leaves us with the reality of our own human desitution. we are so poor on our own. even with money, even with a job, a car, people around. we are just left lacking in so many ways.

this following after jesus thing.... its so real. its easy to follow after him sometimes, when you can see the instant results of difficulty. usually thats how it works for me. something terrible happens- a loss, a hard conversation, a period of confusion- and i begin analyzing it, looking for reasons, trying to see patterns, make sense of it. so many times, i can see in part why it seems like things happen. and many times, its not like i reason it out shallowly- many times i conclude that the answer is that this adversity is supposed to make me more like my maker. that i am sharing in his suffering to some degree. that my character is being refined. which is all well and good in retrospect, right? but in the midst of it, you are mess. you FEEL IT. because your a human.

i am so homesick right now. and no amount of reasons can make that feeling go away.

italian thinking

i have been travelling europe for the past 13 days. i have seen a lot. i have thought a lot of bloggable thoughts. i am too tired and sunburned to recount them all, but here are a few about italy.

one. i love italy. not because its perfect, but because of all its little idiosyncracies and imperfections. the sheer insanity of the roads and driving. the dozens of near death experiences being inside and outside of a vehicle. the bad customer service in nice restaurants but the quaint hospitality of the street fruit vendors. the buildings and their inviting colors and artistic decay. the people, alternatively stylish and smug, and endearing and normal.

two: the gelateria on every corner. michael wanting gelato at every possible moment.

three: the sun and sky and clouds only slightly different from those in california, but still begging me to try to capture them with my camera.

four: ciao! as hello and goodbye

five: having pasta and pizza every night for dinner. yummy.

six: the history. the thousands of years of life and trauma and beauty and triumph this place has seen.

seven. the epicness of the coastline.... again looks slightly like ca coastline, but totally different. listening to *we live in a beautiful world* being sung out over the waters as we ride the ferry home from little positano.

eight: the little side streets in every city, every one of them looks as though a romantic moment is about to occur, or like an old woman will come out to sweep her steps and invite you in to have dinner or that a photograph is about to be taken to give that street eternal posterity.

nine: trains and windows and trees and perspectives and views. falling asleep to the ipod with the murmur of the train full of young italians on holiday laughing and joking. learning english from a nice teenage boy who felt bad for me trying to pronounce things correctly.

ten: cinque terra. every last detail of it.


thats all for now. more soon with pictures.

a wink

recently i lamented to a friend that in the midst of all my busy-ness with ministry, all i wanted was to be able to go to a coffeeshop and hang out and maybe engage with people about faith and life and have it just be natural thing. i am sitting in capitola on a brilliant day, in mr toots coffeeshop looking out onto the busy beach streets, tourists all the over, people just buzzing around happy to be in the sun and to be free. i am working on a talk i am giving next week and have my bible open. no one else, save for the coffeeshop workers, are in here on such a gorgeous day. as i am spacing out listening to "the fray" and lost in thought about the great commandement and great commission and how our stories are part of God's larger story, a man approaches me and asks if i am studying the bible. And i pull out my headphones and say, yes I am. He asks me if he can ask a question about Matthew (which is exactly the book i am studying in right now!) and i say sure. He asks about praying in public vs praying in private and how it says in matthew to go into a closet and pray alone, but how people pray in public over meals and asks why that is. i answer that i think it has to do with your heart- if you are praying in public to gain attention or show how spiritual you are, thats one thing- but if it is truly to give God thanks, than i think thats ok. i also said i dont think its a rule in the bible that you have to pray a certain way at all time... sometime prayer is totally private and sometimes its healthy to pray in groups as a way of connecting. he thanked me and said he just wondered about that and then walked away.

and i just smiled. God does this to me sometimes, just winks at me- i know what you need, kristin.

let me explain the best

yesterday was a pretty tough day. a lot of things are changing around me and try as i might, there is nothing i can do to control them. its times like this that are the best and the worst.

worst because most times big changes are painful and we cant see the reasons behind them. worst because in our limited view, the outcome seems to bring nothing but pain and heartache.

best because in this near-broken state, i am coming to understand what it means to pray without ceasing and what true comfort really is.

i went into the empty sanctuary yesterday and sat in one of those much contested pews. i told God outloud that i didnt understand what was happening and cried to him. it felt strange hearing my voice echo in the room... a room where thousands of prayers have been prayed, many in silence. i kept expecting someone to come inside and find me in this vulnerable state- but, i kept telling him what was going on and though he already knew it all, it felt right to just say it outloud. maybe to remind myself that he is listening. i needed comfort so badly- i wanted it from anywhere, a voice, a hug, the right words to tell me it would all be ok. for some reason God is the last one you go to for this, but the one who satisifies that need more completely than we know. i think the comfort he brings is not the instantaneous comfort of physical touch or audible words... its so much deeper, so more settling to the core. an under-gurded peace, one you need to keep reminding yourself is there- since in your human state you are always running around looking for the immediate.

best because in suffering, we can be united with all others who are suffering, somehow understanding each other through the pain and making us closer.

i had read in that same henri nouwen book (the way of the heart) two nights ago the concept that as "ministers of the word" (ie people in ministry) we are always dealing with people who are suffering and in pain. so many times, "what we (ministers) desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it....doing something to show our presence makes a difference." He goes on to say "And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer." yesterday, in facing a lot of change and pain and a strange sort of suffering, i thought of those words i had read. as the day progressed, i saw a woman in a wheelchair eating lunch with her husband. she had no legs past her knees. and my heart just hurt, thinking of what that must have been like for her to lose them. and then later, as we prayed down by the water, one of the benches near us had a name engraved on it, with the birth and death date only 5 years apart. and i thought of those parents who had lost their 5 year old and my heart hurt, thinking of what that must have been like for them to lose her. i thought again of nouwen's concept of entering into solidarity with those who suffer and as we sat praying by that bench, i understood something of the reality of that solidarity.

the infinite abyss

i had a divine appointment today. scheduled right from God, it seems. why he makes them so late sometimes, especially before an early sunday morning church gathering, is beyond me. but i am thankful he is in charge of my divine schedule and not me.

tonight, i got to talk with a dear friend for a couple hours--someone who i have always wanted to be closer to but never got a chance to really talk this way with-- parked in my car in front of her house. it was one of those convos where i felt like we could have talk forever and ever... it seemed like it could have just kept going. and the topics transitioned so easily into each other and kept revealing more and more and opening up all these new worlds and interesting things to explore. i would like to have seen a painting of our conversation, it would be stunning.

one subject we touched on was the idea of this abyss we all have inside of us. that there is this deep down loneliness, a black hole-like thing, that we all carry around. and we try to fill it with all sort of things-- sometimes petty things like better clothes, better technology, better belongings; sometimes bigger things that seem like they may actually fill it all the way up-- a better job, a better location, a better significant other. but the truth is that it never gets filled up, because its an abyss... an infinite abyss (garden state, anyone?)-- and those can't be filled. we talked about how at some points in our lives, we become more keenly aware of our abyss, and that sudden awareness of the abyss is often terrifying. usually the awareness comes when we slow down our lives from all the busy-ness and crazy schedules and people and things and do's. its like when we stop cluttering our lives and see them for what they are, this giant hole is revealed. and most times, we don't know what to do with it. henri nouwen talks about this in one of his books... how we need to recognize we have this abyss, that its present and does not go away and we need to learn how to navigate it. we cant let ourselves be consumed by it, but we cant ignore it either. we have to just learn to look at it, know its there and understand how not to fall in. thats a loose explanation of what he so eloquently said, but you get what i mean.


on another possibly related note, i have been watching the sky a lot more lately. every morning i drive down from scotts valley into santa cruz. usually scotts valley is gorgeous in the morning, all sunny and warm and everything is just radiant and hopeful. as i drive down into santa cruz, the skyline changes into a gray/brown/miserable foggy color, usually right at the ocean line. every morning this week, i would think to myself, "huh? i wonder which is going to win today, the fog or the sun?" because sometimes the fog sticks around all day and the sun can't seem to break through it. but somedays, usually by noon or one, the sun will break through and santa cruz becomes all glorious. tonight, coming home from my friends place, santa cruz was cloudy, but the road was clear. as i came into scotts valley, the fog was thick and closer to the ground. all along the highway were lamposts creating these brilliant triangles of fog infused light. you couldnt tell that they were even lamposts, they just looked likes lights coming out of nowhere, unattached to anything, suspended from nothing. and it was this beauitful moment- somewhere in it was a metaphor about the night and fog and the road and a source of mysterious light guiding me home.

small talk

i am sort of beginning to realize that small talk can be really draining. i am a pretty extroverted person (and have always been) but i think i am beginning to get a little more introverted as time goes by. and i am realizing that putting out the effort to make small talk is getting a bit more difficult as i go more intro.

i was in trader joes today and had the realization that i always feel really awkward when i interact with the checkers there. they seem like really cool people, many of them have tattoos and piercings and funky hair and i always think to myself, i would like to talk to/hang out/become friends with these people. but i am not sure how exactly to do that and when i try to make small talk, i just feel really dumb. like, just, i don't know, like i am trying too hard? not that those people are rude, at all!! but more like, i am trying to be casual, you know cool- breezy (i'm breezy!) and then... awkward silence...! and i suck with silence, i can't take it.

today i finally asked this checker, named moses, if it was hard to make small talk with people all day. he laughed and said yes, but that some people dont talk back really and sometimes there is all kinds of awkward silence with the customers and then they just leave. he said he just gets used to the silence.

moses wants to be a photographer and has a showing at a new brewery in town, which is very interesting to me and he was very excited to tell me about it. it was cool to have that 2.5 minute conversation and watch someone doing their mundane check out job and then see them just light up when talking about what they are passionate about. i love that.

loving people is not efficient

yesterday, a man visiting vintage said to me that if the church was really living out its call, that it would not settle right with most people, because it would be so radically different than what most of the world looks like. he goes to different churches in the area to see what they are doing and then has a website that is a resource for people looking for a church to be part of. most churches, he says, are hidden away in suburban areas and rarely put themselves in a place to be confronted with the ills of whats actually happening in the world. as we talked, he looked me square in the face and just said that jesus angered most of the leaders around him by doing what he did. and that if a church today was living the way he did, it would cause some serious reaction in those around them.

then dan, in the message he gave yesterday, recounted in the book of john how jesus basically told the religious leaders to their face that they did not know God.

then, i was listening to one of derek webb's live albums today and he was talking about the danger of following Jesus and how those of us who try to make this endeavor our lifes work are not in for a life that will not offend people- that living for jesus will get us into trouble and will not be easy. i love it, because he wasn't saying that we should be jerks about our faith, but that when we present the gospel and live out the gospel, it should not feel cozy and nice all the time. and it should not make everyone happy. and then he goes on to say that loving people is not efficient.

and I am just utterly intrigued, because it feels like in some strange way, these words are shades of my new color.

i feel like the inside of me is turning a different color

leaving

today, i spent time with my dear friend maxwell. we waited in line for what seemed like hours to get some yummy picnic food. it was clear and perfect in santa cruz and we found our way out to lighthouse field, to sun and wind and we set up our little picnic. we kept talking about how he leaves tomorrow for a road trip across the country which will end up in ohio, where he will stay for good. and its weird. because i am used to just being able to call him and just go hang out, do whatever, chill. and how is that not happening anymore? i dont like leaving , when i have to do it or when other people do it to me. but then, i do love travel and adventure and change. and leaving is part of that.

and i wonder when will it be me leaving all this?


that is scary... lets not talk about it, ok?

the messy of ministry

yep, it certainly is messy.

for the 6 years i have been following Jesus, i have been in full time ministry for almost 3. its been pretty wild, considering the ministry has been a church plant. a church plant that moved to a new building at age 2. a church plant with a lot of people and a lot of ambitions. and a lot of expectations, as our dear danny's books have cause us to be under the microscope of many who want to know what we do and how we do it and a few who don't like what we do at all.

i dont know if i am at the point where i can make a lot of poignant observations about ministry-- i dont think i am in a place to disperse all kinds of wisdom about how its done or how it should look, because i am coming to the place of realizing that it is just really really messy. and all the systems and structures and strategies are great to give us a framework and move things forward. but living in those things, the systems.... its not really real. i think sometimes i want to live by the structures and what they impose, rather than in the heart of what they are meant to help and move along. maybe i am not making sense, but i just honestly feel like somewhere in the last 3 years, i have missed the point. or a few points. sometimes i am on, sometimes off. some days i LOVE WHAT I DO, are you JOKING?! its the best job in the world. other days, i want to be as far from anything "church" as possible.

lately, its definitely been tough. i think after we moved buildings, we lost a bit of our fire. like, all the effort to get this thing over to a new place has sapped us. not only is it a move into a new place, but we got new roomies and are learning how they live with them and maybe one day join as one big family in the same house. we shall see. in the process of moving and learning about the new roomies and unpacking our rooms and trying to figure out how to live here, i think we got blurry eyed about the community. how do you actually care for a whole community of dynamic, complex individuals, with all their needs and struggles? maybe not care for them, like the staff has to counsel every individual, but making sure that we are encouraging and equipping the community to actually care for itself, to function as a united healthy body. whats the balance between the gathering and helping it to be dynamic and quality and invigorated with that something to help people experience God more deeply ... and.... investing in the training and care and growth of people who come to that gathering and who meet during the week as the church? are we even making an impact on people outside of the church community?

i dont have any answers.

i think my lack of answers/peace about having no answers, coupled with complete exhaustion and the vague/pressing feeling of panic about my future (what am i DOING with my life?!?) has lead me to a point of near burn out. by God's grace, i get to travel to Europe this summer and do one of my most favorite things (adventure!), which i am hoping and eagerly expecting will change my perspective and outlook, so that i might have some sense of what to do when i return. perhaps it will be a new me who comes home?

today, at our staff meeting, i got a taste of a new perspective. instead of jumping in to church "business" as we sometimes do, we spent some good time praying for each other and for the community. then, we opened up the scriptures (mark) to the story of jesus healing the deaf and mute man by putting his fingers in the mans ears and touching his own spit to the mans tongue and declaring "be opened"-and when the crowds found out about this, they went crazy and told everyone. i am sure i had heard/read this sometime before, but i got a new view of it today. just of jesus' fingers in your ears and his spit on your tongue and his voice saying "BE OPENED"... something in that, its so visceral and real- (jesus! a person with fingers, spit and a voice!) i don't know. i just loved it. we discussed it, had a mini little bible study about it. lots of good things were said, observations made and conclusions taken away. josh made the point that sometimes in ministry, we get to see stuff like this... people being healed/changed so completely after an encounter with Jesus and/or his church and it being made known to everyone to celebrate and marvel at. and sometimes, its not so obvious- sometimes, little things happen that never go noticed, but that are equally as amazing and should be just as celebrated.

so we spent the next 30 minutes or so talking about the big things and little things of our ministries: ministry teams getting new members that where much needed, the youth group experiencing amazing times of worship and connection and having plenty of capable and excited leaders, people in the gathering truly experiencing God's spirit and being compelled to be involved and want to be part of the church, a group of musicians who had walked away from the faith beginning to meet with one of the pastors for bible study... just amazing things that happen each week that we forget to tell each other and forget to really celebrate. after those quick 30 minutes of sharing stories, we prayed and it just became so clear: we need to REALLY CELEBRATE whats been going on, even the smallest things. we must be diligent to allow ourselves to bask in the wonder of what God is doing in this community, we must recognize that these stories are why we do what we do!! i am an encourager, its definitely up there on my list of gifts, but i realized i had been so bogged down with the messiness of ministry, that i had been forgetting to encourage by story telling, had forgotten to look for the happy moments in all the mess. because if we cant celebrate those things, why are we doing this at all?

its not slowing down. its not getting easier. no amount of structuring and systematic planning will ever make ministry perfect. seasons will change, some are less intense, some more. but the goal is still there. the God at the center of it all is still the same and will always be. i want to keep my eyes on that, not the mess.

this is beautiful

If I am alive this time next year, will I have arrived in time to share?
And mine is about as good this far.
And I'm still applied to what you are.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.
And I heard from the trees a great parade.
And I heard from the hills a band was made.
And will I be invited to the sound?
And will I be a part of what you've made?
And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.

in the middle...

a few nights ago I had an interesting conversation with a friend about stuff of the Bible. We talked about Genesis- how its original audience could not have grasped the concept of the earth as a sphere or even have had a fraction of the knowledge we have about the planet/universe/galaxy etc, and how the explanation of the world being formed being so simple kind of makes sense in light of that. Also, the weightiness and significance of the words “In the beginning…” We also talked about the fact that when you explain the actual basis of the Christian faith, it sort of sounds crazy: someone died and was raised from the dead and we get to talk to and relate to and be together with God forever because of that. A lot of stuff in the Bible is sort of nutty, if you think about it: people being raised from the dead, being taken up to heaven in a cloud, seas being parted, people being swallowed by whales. It’s actually a pretty wacky set of things to believe in, if you think about it. Not that I don’t want to believe, but I just think its interesting when you start to view it from a certain perspective.

So, yeah, thinking about these aspects of my faith, I sat there on the floor of my living room, leaning on the futon, sort of milling things over. I kneeled down and started talking to God about things- just praying for my friends and family and all the things going on in everyone’s lives: the good, the bad, the confusing, the beautiful. And then I sat up and looked across from me, to the empty place I imagined God to be. And I got sort of frustrated for a bit, thinking how I just wished I would have been able to lean over and touch God and have him talk to me, look at me, explain things to me. I wondered why He has chosen to not take physical form and stay in physical form, why would He not be manifested in some way that we could relate to him more easily. And I know, the standard answer to this is that He is EVERYWHERE, in His creation, in nature, in laughter, in a hug between friends, blah blah blah. But still, I just felt a bit cheated for a second. Like, God, why can’t I just touch you?

Then… I had this thought: some wise people from throughout my life have taught me that we can’t force the people we love to be the way WE think they should be: we need to let them be who they are… that to love is to accept others where they are and how they are. And I thought about the fact that I love God. I love Him for how He has always been to me, for who He is… and He has chosen to show himself to me the way that He has, however metaphysical and strange it may seem to people outside of it. How can I ask God to be the way I think He should be? I can’t impose my expectations on God, since I love Him and want to love Him how he is.

Granted, God is God and I am so small comparatively, that to think that I could impose expectations on Him is pretty ridiculous. But I like to think He will humor me in thinking these thoughts and exploring these possibilities.

I am glad to be where I am with Him.

wrestle

i am wrestling. with a lot. last monday, there was such a sense of peace and calm before a storm just blew through my life. i am such an optimist, i almost missed it. but it flattened me today, the remnants of the storm making me achey and unsettled.... and i dont want to make it sound like "the" storm, as if somehow its the only one that has happened in a while or that its isolated and singular in its effects and aftermath. but its one of the storms that happen and those storms are to be expected. i wish i had better vocabulary to describe what it did. sometimes i get sick of the set of words i use for things and wish i could use a whole other language to say how it feels. why is there such a deep deep desire to explain inside of me? i know that somewhere in me is a writer, a story teller, a conveyer of how it is.

i went to this country western bar/dance club thing on saturday night. i am sort of ashamed to admit it, actually. but it was fun and i wont deny that i enjoyed myself, especially when the band covered usher's "yeah" and the guitarist actually rapped. i was pretty much in heaven right then. but most of the night i stayed inside myself and just observed. just watched people and wondered about them. why were they here? what was their motivation? what was their story? i wanted to get inside their brains and just wander around and figure them out. and write about them. there was this much older man in a flannel shirt sort of just lurking at the edges of the dance floor. he looked lost, a bit too old to be there at all, his eyes set on something none of us could see. every now and then i would see him bring a girl half his age onto the dance floor and show her a good dance. and you sort of expected him to be inappropriate or weird... but he just danced with her and spun her and touched the small of her back for just a second and then spun her again. and i just watched him- wondering how he got to be such a fine dancer? what brought him here tonight? what was he like when he was my age? was he lonely now?

i don't know.

there is wrestling. there is no definition. there is a realization that if everything i know is logically wrong, i still can't walk away from it because there is no where else to go. there is a standing on the edge of something and not being able to see. there is confusion and exhaustion and questioning.

ah, but then....

there is dancing.

holding pattern

first, i think its kind of funny how my blog fluctuates between semi-poetic meanderings on life, records of memorable events, deeply theological/ecclesiological thoughts and other random things i feel like writing about. i am not really sure why i blog in the first place... its such a strange attraction to blog... they are like journal entries/records of your life/excuses for you to satisfy a desire for people to affirm you/tell you you are a good writer/pay attenton to you... i dont know.

i have been in this weird place since i got back from river rafting this weekend. like i cant go to sleep at night, even though i am super tired. like i am exhausted all the time and sort of overwhelmed by even the most simple things at work, but i have all sorts of energy to check myspace, blog-surf, eat lots of junk food and talk with people on the phone. maybe i am having indulgence overload and cant get myself to face the realities of being a person with a full time job and lots of responsibilities.

i had an amazing weekend with holly in super norcal (almost at the border of oregon and ca)-- lots of alone time (which is hard for me to take, being such an extrovert), lots of jaw-dropping natural beauty, lots of girl talk, lots of just goodness, you know? it was much needed and i came back refreshed... only to be tackled with an insane week at work with all kinds of different challenges that make the most route tasks seem absolutely impossible.

right now, i just have this strange feeling that things are changing... everything seems just slightly turned, like its heading in a different direction, like... i don't know, i cant describe it. i feel like i am ready to see things in a new way, to begin to expand out. more than anything- i need an adventure. an honest to goodness adventure. with unexpected twists, with unclear direction, with high stakes and lots of unknown. i dont know how you chase down adventure, or how you attain it. it doesnt seem like it should be something you should even have to attain or look for. seems like it should just find you. this isnt to say i am not challenged, or growing or striving. but... i feel restless.

words that you feel

"what is the blooming tincture of the skin
to peace of mind and harmony within
what bright sparkling of first eye
to the soft soothing of calm reply"

i found that on the back of a gospel cd over easter weekend. it soothes me in all the insanity.

conversations, not conversions - part 1

Last saturday night, i had one of the toughest conversations of my life. when you really love people and you really love God and the people you love don't agree with the God you love, it hurts. A lot.

I think conversations like last saturday's are pretty much absolutely essential for the growth of people who call themselves christians. I am starting to believe that without those conversations, follows of Jesus (like me) won't be able to grow right. Maybe you will grow, but you probably grow stunted. Stunted and slowly. Conversations like last weeks speed you up, make you grow right and straight. But with growth, pain.

Let me start where it starts. Last saturday came after weeks of prayer. Prayer that God would use me outside of my comfortable christians circles, outside of my consistent busyness, beyond the place i had been for so many months. And i am telling you, God answers prayers. Me and my new guy were meeting with a couple of dear friends for dinner downtown. After light introductory banter, laughter, beer analysis, and some fine conversation, my self and my friend somehow landed on the topic of individuality vs group mentality. As my friend spoke of groups, he brought up Christianity as an example of a group mentality. He, not being a Christian, had some criticisms for the way christanity approached individualism and disliked the way that Christians claimed to be "one" without recognizing the deep complexities of the individual. This quickly developed into an intense, often heated, discussion of Christianity.

As my friend spoke openly about his dislike for many aspects of the Christian faith and the idea of there even being a God at all, I could feel my heart quicken. It's pace slowly but surely fastened and i told it, "no, heart, this won't be one of those conversations, no need to get all worked up... this will get solved soon here and we will move on to easier topics..." But i was wrong.

With my heart rater increasing, my friend began to broach the idea/problem of christians claiming to have the exclusive knowledge of the way to heaven, and even questioned whether there was a heaven or afterlife at all, or if it was just a selfish way for us to look beyond the life we are given now and hope for something more. Other ideas brought up were the bible as myth- a good set of ways to live, but questionable as an actual account of history; the existence of God as an outward projection of our inner moral standards; the difference between the God of the Old Testament and New Testament; Jesus forgiving everyone vs. just those who believe in him now. I feel like i want to address all of these ideas in indivdual blogs, which i might do-- but for now, i want to give the story of the night. Maybe at some point we can dive in and you all can give me your thoughts.

So, as my friend brought up these ideas, I felt like i was swimming/drowning-- trying to keep my head afloat. You see, my friend is quite smart-- very articulate, very passionate. As he brought each of these things up one by one, i felt so inadequate to even begin trying to get into a deeper discussion of the points he was making. To some of what he said, i was able to engage him and try to give an answer to what he was questioning, but for so many things, i just had to admit to not completely understanding it all.

One of the major realizations that i had during this conversation was the idea that christianity is seen by so many people outside of the church as a series of moral ideals or rules. That by following a set of moral codes, one can earn their way into good graces with God and therefore get into heaven. And beyond this moral standard, there is not much more to christianity than a judgemental finger pointing at most of society and an agressive political agenda that alienates more than unites people (though i guess those two things can be put under the morality heading). A defining moment of the night was when my friend point blank asked me the most difficult question i think i ever have to answer: if he lives his whole life as a good person, living by the standards Jesus lays out for life but not necessarily believing that Jesus was the savior and the only way to eternal life, was Jesus going to deny him a place in heaven when he died? Even now, its hard to breathe and hard to think about that answer.

As insane as it sounds, and as little sense as it makes to my finite little mind, i don't think morality gets us into God's good graces and i don't think being a good person is what is most imporant in life. I hate that this concept has become a bit of a christianese catchphrase, but i know no other way than this to describe it.... its not about rules, its about relationship. From what i can understand and what stands up to experience and what is laid out in scripture, God cares first about our relationship with him, is primarily concerned with us loving him and desiring him and having faith in him. out of this relationship, our morality is formed, our being a "good person" comes into play.

Trying to articulate this idea of having a relationship with an invisible God who is outside of time and space is not easy. I felt crazy trying to explain it to my friend, who seemed both angry with my seemingly pat answer and confused at why his friend, whom he had known for 8 years, would answer that yes, she believed in a God who would not accept him without him having put faith in Jesus during his time on earth.

ah, this kills me, just writing it out. i am aware that anyone could read these words, even my friends from that night, and be angered, confused, disillusioned with what i am saying here. and i question the sanity of it all, sometimes. i mean, who hasn't? but somehow, in these last 6 years of living in relationship with God and trying to love him and lay down my life to be used as his,
i realize the truth that my ways are not his ways, my thoughts are not his thoughts.

more soon....

more on illumination

Oh man, i SO should not be up right now. I am at the point of near exhaustion, after almost 2 weeks without a day off... oh man, oh man, Jesus help me.

BUT, i couldn’t not stay up and write... its always times like this that one feels most inspired and most fired up to let these writerly thoughts flow out... or maybe not even writerly so much as just EXCITED, INSPIRED, EAGER for more. Let me try to explain.

Tonight, i had my community group, which has been going now for about 5 months. In the beginning, it was kind of an awkward group and i had very little hope it would grow into anything substantial. I actually remember lamenting this fact to my mentor, worrying over the way it was going, fretting that it would just be sort of uncomfortable and surface forever. And God, in all his stinkin amazing wisdom and mercy, has literally created the most beautiful little family unit in this group and it is so dear to my heart in such a special, unique way, its really hard to put it down in words.

Tonight was just a perfect example of how beautiful everything is, how illuminated it all becomes when God does his thing in a group of willing people. I came to group so tired (and so tired, i couldn’t even really muster up enough energy to complain about being tired) and not having much of an idea of how the group would go. I had read up on Ephesians 4 and wanted to have an in depth, insightful study with everyone. But i couldn’t see how this would work. I was SO tired, and everyone else seemed pretty beat, too.

But as we all collected in Josh’s little living room and the buzz of conversation went on around me, i began to realize that despite my own “leadership”, there is so much more going on than me simply leading a discussion and us reading our Bibles. We all sort of languidly began sharing about our weeks, the highlights, the lowlights, the funny little idiosyncrasy’s, the lessons we were learning. It was quiet at times and talkative at others. Energy ebbed and flowed around and we sort of sat glowing. Maxwell shared about his theory on “acorns as spiritual gifts” metaphor and then did a little freestyle rapping about it, which made us all giggle and smile big smiles.

We opened up the 2nd half of Ephesians 4 and read. We began digging through the text and in time, it, too, was illuminated. Watching each person contribute to the discussion, adding their insight, experience, thoughts, it became apparent that God was at work. What I LOVE about this realization is that is the most subtle realization, it is the softest sentiment, the simplest shift... and you can just feel it go. Each person builds on the other, we all talk, add something, ideas are formed and expanded. As we sift through the meaning and talked through the themes, the truths, the realities of these words, I think everyone was taking away what they needed. It wasn’t one of those where everyone got onto the same page and we all came to the same conclusion or “application point”... it was all much more organic, raw. You just knew God was working it out in each of us.

And then...

...you begin watching everyone get quiet... but in a good way: a thoughtful, in-going quiet. A changing silence. And the glow of that. Ah, it’s a clear picture in my mind and it’s so sweet.

As we slowed down and let it all sink in, people began to get a bit vulnerable with where they were. Sharing struggles about families who denied the faith or who won’t give it a chance. Friends who can’t seem to understand, health problems that seem hopeless. Unspoken needs that can get lifted in the calling out to Him in our hearts when we pray as a group. And as we did pray together, the sweetness kept coming—not a sickening sweet, but one you savor. Amen.

After praying, we all sat around and talked about what the group meant to us. And a lot was said, and so much more could be said. I can’t quite put it all down here and now, but this is special. And this is church. I work for a church, and what we do Sunday’s is church. But this, THIS, this, its church in such a new way, such a vital way, such a needed way. I pray every group who meets could experience even a sliver of what goes on in our group. And what’s better, is that I don’t even think we have reached the best of what is to come. This is family. This is love.

I know that sometimes we can question why we are even here at all. What did God put us on earth for in the first place? There will always be someone to lead a study, someone to be part of a discussion, someone to be in a group. And maybe we won’t know our reasons in the end, maybe it won’t ever make perfect sense, the reasons. But all i know is that i wouldn’t miss nights like tonight for anything. I wouldn’t want someone else in my place tonight. I would hope everyone would have a chance to experience tonight, but i wouldn’t want to miss out on it. Something intricate and something big has brought me right to where i am: that divine plan has me where i am right now. Who am I to question that? Who am I to miss out on times like this, people like this, love like you find in nights like tonight?


Ah, live it- live it...

what are you waiting for?

what do you do when sin seems to yields no consequence?

i got into an interesting discussion last night with a friend of mine who has been a christian since before he can remember. i had just come home from a loooooong day with vintage: we had had a full set of prayer stations in the gathering, a musical guest in the coffeehouse, 9 church leaders visiting from Michigan and on top of it, i was sick. all i wanted to do when i got home was have some soup and crash into bed, but God seemed to have other plans for me.

before i could collapse into bed, i ended up getting into quite a discussion with this friend of mine. basically, he shared with me that though he knows he isn't on top of things spiritually right now, it doesn't seem to be affecting him the way he thought it would. he is young, attractive and living the life of a normal 20-something guy... which involves sex, drugs and rock n' roll. now, fair enough, everyone goes through their rebellious stages and luckily, this guy has steered clear so far of pregnancy, std's, drunk dialing/driving, etc.

as we continued to talk, we got into a fascinating dialogue about the fact that though this person knows what he should be doing for God and understands that he is being tempted, it is easier for him to just sort of brush that under that rug and live the way he wants to, since, at this point, there haven't been any major consequences for the ways he is living. i mean, it would be different for him if some drastic, terrible consequence had occurred because of the way he has been living, but all he seems to be experiencing right now is a dull sense that he isnt living for God and a whole lot of immediate gratification for acting on his impulses and doing what feels good.

without going into super-detailed description of our talk, i guess i just wanted to raise this up, as think it is a really interesting thing to ponder: what do you do when sin seems to yield no consequence? when living out of your own impulses and desires feels better than living in obedience to God and you can't see why you should hold yourself back if nothing bad will happen to you?

i have a lot of thoughts on this, but (in the style of Rob and MM) i would love to hear what some of YOU all think?

a night i won't forget

These are the times you want to remember. Nights like these are absolutely without question PRICELESS. Tonight, I gave my first message at Vintage Faith. It was about stewarding our hearts. I had been preparing for tonight for the past week pretty intensely... studying scripture, praying, talking with people, hashing through structure and transition with Rob, dissecting meaning and purpose with Mom. But as I prepared, I realized that God had begun working on this message in me years ago. Two verses about the heart, prov 4:23 and phil 4:6-7 had been beacons in my dark times for the past 5 years. I had turned to them both for wisdom and guidance so many times, they felt like familiar faces which eased my heart and gave me peace beyond my own comprehension. And as the message came together this past week, they emerged as the two main verses i would be focusing on.

I have always heard before from people who speak that the week prior to them giving their message, they are always tempted or struggling with the very topic that they are about to speak on. And it was so true for me this week. I felt a deep, deep struggle in my heart about the very things i was to be talking about tonight. The story i shared tonight had to do with my struggle to keep God first in my heart before my romantic relationships. So many times in my walk with God, when it came to affection from a guy, whether emotional or physical, i had the hardest time saying no, even when i knew its not what God had for me. This week, there were a couple of very difficult nights of having to battle with this temptation, whether it be simply about the attention i wanted or was getting from a guy or the blatant opportunity i had to get into a relationship that wasn’t what God wanted for me.

At the times of these temptations this week, it wasn’t super clear to me what was going on, but looking back, i see how very easily my integrity could have been compromised had i chosen differently. I see now that the very story i shared tonight and the huge amount of growth that i have had in the area of romantic relationships is bearing fruit (to use a terribly overused metaphor) even now. Had I been tempted the way i was this week 3 years ago, there is NO WAY i could have survived it. I felt that so many moments this week i could have broken down and given in to my impulses... but God, in all his gracious mercy, protected me.

A series of beautiful moments and details that surrounded the message tonight....


The Augustine quote i used at the end of the message was taped on a mirror i had all through college. The quote always struck me and seemed to always call out to me and it was beautiful how perfectly it worked for the message tonight, as if it stuck around all this time just to be used tonight.

A number of times this week, people have mentioned that God knew before I was even born that I would be speaking tonight. The same concept came up in a number of scriptures that I happened to read this week.

The many emails, phone calls, and myspace messages I received from people offering support, prayer, encouragement and love for me; every one of them I held dear to my heart and i printed them all out and took them on stage with me tonight as a reminder that God's community was there with me.

My mom’s phone call this morning to tell me that her devotional this morning had to do with Jesus' temptation in the desert and then the sermon he gave after his temptaion that was met with adoration for his words over his message (which was not how he wanted it to be received)-- a reminder that even Jesus was tempted... and that it didn't matter what my words were tonight, only that the right message was spoken.

As I prayed outside this afternoon in the unseasonably warm February sun, i observed a bee next to me, simply breathing. This intricate, complex little design just next to me, tiny, breathing. Being reminded that when it feels right, ministry in any capactiy should be as easy as breathing.

Watching the room get set up, the band practice, the tech team prepare and all the outrageously wonderful people I get to serve with each week. It overwhelmed me.

Putting on the wireless mic for the first time and later seeing Dan wearing an apron because he was setting up the drinks and cookies ... an odd, endearing contrast for the night.

Before going on stage to talk, I snuck behind the curtains. It was “mingle time” and they had put on Mute Math in the background- my current favorite band. As I paced around back there, I sang out loud to the song “And i know-there’s got to be another love, some-where closer to the other side”... this filled me with in expressable joy :)

About 3 minutes into the message, my mouth got so dry that I had to stop everything and jokingly ask for my water bottle i had forgotten. My dad eagerly jumped up and handed it to me. I love that being a beginner means i can do stuff like this and it comes off as endearing and lovable!

After stepping down off the stage, I walked over and my Mom hugged me and held me and said that I had given God's message so clearly and so perfectly. Next, I saw Marilyn and Erika's faces, two who are dear to me, but who aren't part of any church. They seemed profoundly moved and I trust it was the Spirit doing it’s thing. Erika told me I had come into a new part of life, that she saw me differently now, that what i had said and the way i had said it had meant so much to her, had affected her. Her eyes told me more than her words and it made every bit of nervousness and hour of preparation worth it, just for that moment.

The people who came up to me afterwards and encouraged me... what they said is enough to make someone get a big fat ego, which I am not above :). So, I have to give all the credit to God here, since its all for his glory in the end anyways. But those moments i will treasure and take as encouragement from my community of believers that will spur me on in my darker moments.



It's so funny because as I drove home tonight, I was struck by a wave of loneliness. Though I have probably never felt as loved as I have tonight by so many people, and so affirmed in my worth and so sure of God's way of redeeming every hard circumstance, I still, still struggle with feeling lonely simply because there is no "boy" to come home to. Just as this thought crossed my mind, I looked up to the sky and I saw a huge circle around the moon, a giant moonglow and i just laughed. No matter how amazing a guy might be in my life, there is no one, NO ONE like God. No one knows me like him, no one can get to my heart like Him. No one will ever be as close to me as He is.

If i could chose one day to have someone follow me around and record my life, so far, this would be that day... it was a near perfect day. A day that I will look to for inspiration when i forget why i am in ministry at all. A day that i will remember for how loved i felt. A day that will stand as a reminder that God redeems everything, in His beautiful, perfect time.

a reason for the mission

last sunday, the staff from vfc went over to first pres (which is the church we are "joining ministries" with in about 77 days :) ) to be introduced to the community there at their morning gathering. (for details on why, see our website http://www.vintagechurch.org/missionStreet.php

Now, if any of you know me very well, i am definitely not a morning person, so i was quite pressed to make it out of bed that morning (especially in the fortress of ice that is my house, oi, thats a whole other blog!). The sun was shining, though, and it made for a perfect excuse to be up earlier than normal on a weekend. As I snuck into first pres a few minutes late, I spied Rob in the back row. I slid in next to him and observed what was happening. The pews were about 1/3 full, the room was quiet, gentle. There were a good number of older people there (which is different for my eyes: i am used to seeing a sea of young faces at vintage each week)... at first this was weird for me, but then i grew acustomed to it and actually got excited. the more i see vintage grow, the more i am convinced having people from the entire age spectrum as part of community can only benefit everyone.

observing the demeanor of the people and the room, it sunk in just how different vintage really is to this community and i pondered how exactly it would work for us to "join" in ministry? how is this going to actually happen? will we disrupt the community they have built here? will they hate they way we do things and want us to leave? how will this happen, God?

as i battled around in my head for a few minutes, i noticed a girl walk in from the side. she was probably 23-25ish and looked like any average UCSC student ... track jacket, sun glasses, shorts, flip flops, unsettled to be in a church. i was instantly aware of her presence here and watched her find a seat. she sat alone.

she sat directly underneath one of the stained glass windows and the morning light was luminous through that window, putting a glow around her. my eyes couldnt stay away from that part of the room. for some reason, i couldnt help but keep wondering what she was thinking about all of this. If she was like the 99% of UCSC students, she doesn't associate herself with anything to do with christianity, church etc. But she was here. she was sitting here, observing, listening even singing a long a little bit with some of the hymns.

i kept glancing over her way, and i was filled with this sense that she was one of the many reasons for our two churches to be taking this huge risk to join in the mission together. something had drawn her here today, perhaps. maybe she saw this church driving up to campus (it is located at one of the busiest intersections in the city, right near UCSC), maybe one day she had sat at the bus bench just in front of the church waiting to be taken up to campus. i didnt know her story, but the more i thought about it, the more i began to feel deeply in my heart that God was showing her to me for a reason: that i must feel the reality of why we needed to get our church to this area, why we must continue to pursue this vision for a new kind of church that is accessible and real to people who have never really experienced Jesus before, or who had a bad taste in their mouths about religion, christians and the name "Jesus."

As we transitioned from the "children's sermon" to Dan's message, Lee prayed for a bit and i leaned my head down and prayed for this nameless girl, whoever she was. my heart began to come apart a little bit for her and her story and it felt drawn out. as of late, i had felt more inside the "church bubble" than i liked, more disassociated from people who don't know Jesus and my heart had felt hardened about the reason that we are on this mission in the first place. i was feeling greatful for my heart being more pliable, easier to shape.

As we all said amen, i lifted my head and looked to wear she had been. the seat was empty. And i felt her absence even more deeply than i had felt her presence.

losing something you never had

its funny how we get our expectations up about things we never really have in the first place. you can spend so much time anticipating how amazing something should be and you get so excited about it. You imagine how awesome it will be when you get to fully enjoy the realization of the anticipation you have, you begin holding onto the little details you have noticed, the swells of emotion that occur when you brush up against the hope and you begin believing all of these things as facts that can't be anything but true.

what's so hard is when you ignore the few little red flags which seem to pop up in the your peripheral as you race along towards your expectation. i am the worst, because i do actually see them, even recognize them and talk about them to others. I think somehow that if i do acknowledge them, perhaps they will be minimized, going from a giant flag that flaps loudly when its windy to a tiny little paper flag you could stick in a tropical drink.

I am seeing more and more that I am so willing to risk the danger associated with the red flags for the potential happiness that it could be confused with desperation. Am I desperate or open? Am i easy to catch or accessible to know? How do we ever get beyond the beginning if we run away because of every potential hazard? How do we avoid getting hurt if we are willing to risk our hearts for an expectation that could turn into beautiful reality?

how do you mourn something you never really had?

wrapping paper and a thousand places

i went to bookshop santa cruz the other day in a last minute attempt to buy a gift for my little brother, who was turning 20. As i cruised the magazine and gift card section, hoping for the perfect 20 year old brother present to come my way, i found the "Thousand Places to Go before you Die" Travel Journal. I remembered that a few months ago, my brother had surprised me by commenting that he would like to visit Europe one day. Now, this is the little brother who was an absolute terror to go anywhere with when we were kids. Everytime my parents thoughtfully selected a location for the family to travel to for some acculturation and familial bonding, he would throw a fit and complain that all he wanted to do was play video games and stay inside all day. When i heard he wanted to see Europe, my heart lept with joy, since i myself actually lived in England when i was 20 and 21 and found it to be one of the most life altering experiences i could ever imagine (i know how cliche that sounds, but its so true).

So, as i remember that conversation, i resolve to buy him this journal to encourage his travel spark to actually ignite into something tangible. As I head to the complimentary gift wrapping center in the back of the store, i am feeling like a pretty wonderful older sister for this thoughtful gift. As i began wrapping the gift, the woman next to me noticed the journal and commented:

"Ah, I have the book that goes along with that journal... we must be on similar journeys"

"Oh, yeah, actually, i bought it for my brother, he is turning 20 and i wanted to encourage him to travel, since i lived in England when i was 20," I replied, feeling immediately at home with this warm older woman.

"Oh that is wonderful!" she said.

"Yeah, it was life changing... so, have you been to the 'Thousand Places' yet?" i asked her, both of us wrapping our gifts.

"Yes, many of them! But i have never lived abroad, only travelled to the different places i have gone."

"Wow, thats great!!" I said, "I always think you have to live overseas to really travel extensively."

"No! I have been travelling for most of my life and i have seen so much!"

"That is so encouraging. I love travelling so much, but i worry i won't be able to go once i am married and have kids... i am thinking i have to squeeze it all in right now," i explained.

"Oh, well, yes, its good to try and go as much as you can right now, since you never know what will happen... but don't worry, you can travel throughout your whole life! I certainly did! I dragged my kid along and it was the best gift I could have ever given them!"

I couldnt believe that i was having this conversation. in the last few weeks, i have been thinking a lot about my desire to travel and wondering how it would work itself out in my life, sort of panicking that the longer i wait, the more i miss my chance to see the world.

After a short, thoughtful pause, I said with a giant smile, "Thanks you so much! Its so encouraging to hear that... Happy New Year!"

"The same to you" she said and she smiled and walked away.

Gift in hand for my little brother, i marvelled at how beautifully God can orchaestrate chance conversations and give us little gifts where we least expect them.

2 things

1. becoming new.

each time i go to read anything this week, the same concept keeps being brought back to me: becoming new. i cannot escape it. perhaps in all the places where i am used to being the old me, i am supposed to be reminded to become new again.

i find that old "me" from christmas time... the old me wanting all the best clothes and music- to look the best and to feel the best. the old me wanting to impress my siblings, to feel wanted, to feel on top of everything. the old me just wanting acceptance for things that exist only at the surface.

i find the old "me" within cherished friendships from the past... the old me who used to act a certain way or say certain things-- the"boy crazy" me, or silly, innocent me, lives in her hometown me.

i find the old "me" in my thoughts... wondering if i will ever get married, worrying about how i look, unconcerned with things that truly matter.

i just wonder, what happens in our heads that we revert back to our old "me's" -- what circumstance or situation or setting creates a place for that old person to exist?

i do know this new "me"... i have been discovering her for the past few years and i really really like her. she doesnt care all that much about looking cool or being attractive... she is much more confident and assured than her old silly self, so much wiser and more solid than before... her thoughts are on many things, all complex and layered and intricate and not centered on selfish desires or petty "needs" all the time.

i want to become new. i want this new me. i think i know this new me.

eph 4:22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

2. mystery

i saw a dear old college friend today. we randomly ran into each other in the strangest of all places (kirkwood ski resort) and ended up riding ski lifts and snowboarding down mountains all afternoon. in one of our ski-lift length conversations, he said something that struck me: he has given up trying to figure out some of the things he was always trying to know and accepted that there are some things he will never understand. i just thought it was one of the most profoundly simple realizations we can have and let it sit with me for a while. being such an overly analytical person, i must spend most of my time in my head trying to work things out (hence this second night of sleeplessness despite total exhaustion from snowboarding all day) and am rarely ever able to admit that there are some things i will never understand.

i have had the fleeting thought over the past couple of years that we will never fully understand the mystery of our world, both inside and out. and i have even played with the idea that i can't fit God into a box: i have said that many times, actually... though the metaphor is very overused, i will admit. but i don't think i have, or am really able to at the moment, fully dwell in any of the mystery of the world, of my self, of other people and of God. but i want to just sit mystery down on the edge of my bed and have a good look at it for awhile. let myself settle in on what it seems to look like and study how it behaves.

i think i like this mystery, this unknowing.

i needed this

"The only lasting freedom from self-consciousness comes from a profound awareness that God loves me as I am, not as I should be. He loves me beyond worthiness and unworthiness, beyond fidelity and infidelity. He loves me in the morning sun and the evening rain without caution, regret, boundary, limit or breaking point; that no matter what I do, He can't stop loving me. When I am really in conscious communion with the reality of the wild, passionate, relentless, stubborn, pursuing, tender love of God in Jesus Christ for me, then it's not what I've got to or I must or I should or I ought; suddenly I want to change because I know how deeply I am loved."

Brennan Manning

suddenly outside of the in

i, for many years, have felt that i was inside. i was told by many people so many times that i was so fun and so easy to be with and just well, cool. not cool as in overly cool. not cool as in "laguna beach" cool or santa cruz surfer chick cool, but cool like just you know, down. like i could be in crowds and feel alright. like i could easily associate with anyone, make them feel alright. make friends so easily, make it all feel alright so easily.

and i am different now. just different.

i can't even say i am outside, because outside has become in. indy rock, hipster clothes, underground opinions and back alley attitudes... its all very in. and thats all slowy becoming mainstream, but teetering there somewhere in between. and i don't fit that, i am not an outsider, except to those who are inside of the out. i have become suddenly outside of the in and its really really uncomfortable. painfully so.

i think i am speaking in half terms: the grounds i speak on about being in and out are spilt in half. half i speak of culture, music, fashion, whatever. half i speak of the social circles, friendships. i don't fit the way i used to and its devastating to this once social butterfly, this once drama girl.

all i can make of it is that even the comfortableness of being "me" is being taken away. being broken down. so i can be of someone else. but if you can't be you and you can't be either inside or out, where are you then?

assignment 1: the distance between absence and excess

My roomate Bethany has taken it upon herself to assign me topics to write about. The thing about Bethany is that basically everything that comes out of her mouth is a sound bite... and not a shallow sound bite, not a throw away line, but things that just stick with you, you have to chew on them for a while to get them, and when you do (IF you do, cause sometimes they are so brilliant, she needs to explain them to you :) ) you realize that you could unpack them for a few hours, write some essays on them and then bring them up to other people as if they were your own and they would think you are just so smart-- all the while, you know inside that you are not and you are sad--but happy, too, that you know someone like her :)

Ok, so, now that you have an introduction, here we go...

Oh, wait, so you might be wondering why i need to be "assigned" things to write about... ok, the reason is.... that i can't think of good ideas on my own. I just can't. I mean, sometimes i can, but it is rare. If someone gives me a sentence, a word, a concept, anything to get me going, i can go. But sitting in front of my computer, i get nothing. i can begin on some existential idea, or how i am feeling, but i think without direction, feelings just get so messy, so cerebral, so just unclear, that they don't really stick to anything and you feel sort of cheap after you read inarticulated, unformulated, badly written feelings, because they probably mean way more to the person who wrote them than to you, the reader. I digress....



Its interesting that Bethany should give me this topic to write about, because as of late, i have been going through a subtle, but drastically needed paradigm shift... and its a shift that every fleshly bone in my body wants to resist. The sift is that I am trying to put aside excess and exist in the absence of the part of myself that craves worldliness.

Let me present a few cases in point:

1. Everytime i am in the supermarket, no matter how hard i think i am trying, i CANNOT stop looking at the supermarket tabloid magazines. I wonder if there is some sort of condition for this, because, seriously, it is a strange, sick addiction. It begins innocently enough. You just glance over.... "hmmm, i wonder what is going on with Brad and Angelina... oh wait, new news on Jessica and Nick!!... ohh, let me have a look here at another" and then its over. You have to look at every magazine cover out there, every tantalizing headline, every exclusive pic (though they all look waaaaay too photoshopped to be real anyways). And eventually you just have to grab one, flip through it and there it is, you have fully emmersed yourself in the alternate universe known as "celebrity culture"... you greedily soak up all the glossy, pictures of the beautiful people, you read the little articles about their spending habits and their parties and their weddings and divorces and... ugh, it makes my stomach turn over a bit just reliving it. You do this for the 3-5 minutes you are waiting in line (sometimes its shorter, if your boyfriend gives you a hard time for getting sucked in and then you have to put the mag back and defend yourself that you just wanted to see the film reviews or, uh, whatever) and then the minute you get your change and walk out the door, you realize what you have done. And you just get sad because of it, since you promised yourself you wouldn't perpetuate the whole sick cycle anymore. The thing is, that in your stronger moments, you have recognized the pitfalls of celebrity culture. For you (because some people can remain healthy in their relationship with celebrity culture), you know that its not a good thing to begin tangling yourself up in the "news" you find in these magazines (or on E! or VH1 or the gossip section of MSN.com or whatever other outlet you can find). I think what happens to me (i am back to first person, its hard to go in 2nd person for so long), is that i start seeing what i never will have. I am seeing what i will never look like. I am recognizing who i will never be. And because i will never have it, somehow I want it. And in deeper introspection, i realize that the ideal of being beautiful and rich is not even what i should want in the first place. Its not bad to want to be attractive or to want to be stable financially, but its not what we should want in excess or over anything else. So i am doubly screwed, since i am wanting something i can't have and then seeing that i am wanting something i shouldn't want.

Proverbs 11:28 Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf.


2. Secondly, clothes. Further, hair. In addition, makeup. In a word: beauty. There is another haunting reality i am facing: you know how you go to your closet sometimes and no matter how many possible outfit combinations stare back at you, you cannot figure out WHAT TO WEAR?! This is me, nearly every morning. For some reason, even if i have just washed everything i own or just bought a new tank last week... it takes me so long to figure it out. And then, after way too long figuring out what to put on my body, i have to then tackle the hair. Now, though i get it cut at a very sassy salon by a very hipster hairstylist, my hair never ceases to anger/disatisfy/frustrate me every morning. And i don't even want talk about my face, cause its never enough, there is always an uimperfection here, a zit under there... and the color is too pale, the nose too big. And though i spend the better part of an hour getting ready, i still walk out of my house not quite sure that i look good enough. And for what? Desire? Acceptance? Really, deep down, what is it i am trying to accomplish every morning?

Proverbs 31:30Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.



SO, what do these examples have to do with the distance between absence and excess? and shifting a paradigm? Second things first. The paradigm i am trying so hard to change, the way i have lived for so long, is the pattern of thinking that says, somehow, that what i have and what i look like are what define me. Its such a freaking cliche, "all you need is love," "money is the root of all evil," etc etc and i know that, but its so real right now for me.

I feel that this season, this time, is so definitive for me. I feel for the first time since i turned 18, like a real adult and i want to begin my adulthood with healthy thinking, with truth, with a paradigm that i can be proud of, that God could be proud of. I want to be defined by who i am, who i am made to be, not with the things i can earn or do. I don't think i have quite figured it all out yet, how to shift, to shift and not go back. But i am trying real hard. i hope that the image i am made in can be the image i see. That the riches i received for free can be all i need.

And back to the assignment:

The distance between absence and excess is... nothing. Because excess is absence.... it is absent of value, of meaning, absent of anything. And the only absence we need is that of the part of our self which makes us believe we need more than what we have so graciously been given.

in pursuit of illumination

in pursuit of illumination, one must ignore any sense of their own nature and commit to the diligent task of denying everything they would normally want or do.

in pursuit of what is only light and without any sort of darkness, you become incredibly lonely and afraid at times, realizing that in pursuing light, you are implicity existing in and out of darkness.

What does the light need?

If you ask the most trusted and reliable source of information (google), it will tell you that:

the light needs a source
the light needs polishing
the light needs to be switched on where people issues and attitudes cause organizations to stumble
the light needs a little work

But sometimes light needs to be slowed down so that signals can be routed in the right direction

It would seem that if you pursue illumination too quickly, your speed will extinguish what you are pursuing.

and so i am still.

i guess i will have to listen to them

i have to write. justin tells me, josh tells me, hannah told me all the time. my mom. dan in his sly way.

but what do i say?

I have to give up on lamenting about the lack of words there are out there in the world and just accept it. And write. More than I do.

Here is something i wrote the other day as part of an exercise at the staff retreat. We each wrote 'missionary letters' as if we were going out into the mission field and were asking for prayer/financial support from people. Mine turned into a blog entry.


MISSION 2005

Santa Cruz Stats:

In 2000, Santa Cruz’s population exceeded 255,000 people, with the racial majority being white. The Latino/Hispanic population is gaining in numbers and expected to rapidly increase in the next 15 years. Thirty four percent of the population is under 24 and 40% is aged 25-44. The religious make up of Santa Cruz is largely “unclaimed”, with an increasing number of alternative faiths each year. UC Santa Cruz has over 14,000 students, with only around 200 actively participating in any sort of on campus Christian organization. With a wide range of industries and occupations, Santa Cruz’s personality is often known as “weird” an eclectic city with an artsy flair and affinity for the unusual and under-appreciated. Highly educated, health-minded and every hippies dream, the city is a unique haven for those wanting to travel off the beaten path.


The roots of “religion” in Santa Cruz

Founded in 1850, Santa Cruz is one of the original cities in California. The mission built in the area preceded California’s statehood in 1850 and was completed in 1794. Before it was even completed, Mission Santa Cruz had already been attacked and partially burned by the Native American tribes in the area, who were reacting to the violent attempts by the missionaries to “convert” the original inhabitants of Santa Cruz. The brutal assassination of one of the original mission priests in 1812 seems to have set the tone for Santa Cruz’s often hostile attitude toward those claiming to be followers of Jesus. Then in 1857, a series of earthquakes ended up destroying the original Mission.

There is nothing left of the original Mission.

A new MISSION:

Despite two large non-denominational churches drawing large numbers of the over-35 crowd, Santa Cruz joins most of America in its declining number of people under 25 being part of any church. People are taking notice, though, and in 1996, Dan Kimball and Josh Fox endeavored to reach this age group with a re-envisioned idea of “church” and Graceland was birthed as a service of SCBC. Eventually, the idea of this service becoming its own church was realized and Vintage Faith Church, a full-fledged church plant, began its own gatherings in early 2004. After almost 2 years, it’s grown beyond a large college-age crowd and into an increasingly dynamic community.
Though at its heart, Vintage Faith Church remains similar theologically to its mother-church, the approach it takes to reaching those in Santa Cruz and beyond is as unique as the area in which is exists. Becoming a “WORSHIPING COMMUNITY OF MISSIONAL THEOLOGIANS” is at its heart, and BEING the church rather than GOING to church has become its hearts cry. As any missionary would study its culture, become familiar with its people and plan to strategically introduce the teachings of Jesus to those who are “unreached,” Vintage Faith Church sees itself as a collection of “missionaries”, essentially, an entire church on a mission. On a mission to change the way Santa Cruz thinks of Christianity. On a mission to be a community that loves others (in and out of the church) the way Jesus did. On a mission to BE JESUS to and in Santa Cruz.

A new Mission.

So, how’s it goin’?

After almost 2 years on staff with Vintage Faith Church, I have been increasingly amazed at how God works, despite our greatest successes and because of our greatest failures. After committing myself to God in the summer of 2000, my faith has never been tested as much as in the last year. And has never grown as much either. As I see it, only part of my “mission” has to do with what VFC has been doing: my personal walk with God, my interactions in family and friendships, and my everyday life are all part of the mission God has me on. But it’s been because of the mission of VFC and the people who help lead it, that I have been able to truly see how connected all of these aspects of my life truly are and how I must continually see my own life, wherever God has me living, working and playing, as a mission for Him.

girl interrupted

ok, so it is a foggy thursday and i am alone in the office and couldn't be happier. yesterday was one of those days where every 7 minutes a new distraction made me feel like i was slowly losing my mind. today, the silence is soothing me.

As I enjoy my silence, what its killing me is how addicted to comfort i am and how much i hate being interrupted from what is normal. You see, I have been meeting pretty regulalry with "H", a passionate, articulate, intelligent and wonderful woman who is a true spiritual seeker in every sense of the world. She has opened up her life and heart to me in so many ways and i cant believe the place i have in her life, as a confidant, a friend, a fellow dweller of "below the surface" life.

Everytime we hang out, I am overjoyed and refreshed to be with her, but the hours leading up to our meetings, I am filled with a sense of being so uncomfortable, like somehow i can't quite shake the feeling that i am going into an unknown place, an place where its not all easy and familiar. I feel like all my normal, comfortable ways are interrupted from their easy course. Its been like this consistently with her and yet, consistently i have been wrenched out of my expectation of the uncomfortable and by being with her, a new breath has been breathed into me, a new sight, a new view.

Last night was another epic night with H... she confided in me some of her struggles, she expressed her love of learning, she opened up about her confusion in defining her own morality... and it was so easy. I always feel like we could talk for hours and hours and hours.

My favorite parts of the talk were

us expressng our fear of change and the future (its easier to do what you have
always done, because to do something new is unknown and you never know how it
will turn out... thus why we stay in our patterns and don't grow)

exploring the reason its hard to connect with people sometimes (our
theory: many people live on "the surface" or even a gelatonous next layer
somewhere between the surface and the depths... what we prefer is to swim around
in the depths below the surface, to explore the unknown, to ask questions, to
keep seeing new things, to keep learning and growing)

the role of the
body and the mind (just because our bodies want things doesn't mean they are
right... we CAN discipline our bodies and we must, or we will only act on
instinct and impulse)

...and even the mutual addiction to the
comfortable (we all want what's immediately most comfortable to us, and we
default back to what we know is comfy, even if in our mind we know its not
right)

Epic nights like last night with H are another confirmation of how deeply i must cherish my friends. You dont meet people like H often and you don't have connections like this everyday.

The connection with H interrupts me and conjurs some phantom loss of comfort, but i love being a girl, interuppted for such a friendship as this.

i am trying...

i am trying all my best to make it up to you for such inconsistency in my writing... you see, i am quite verbose, quite unable to make sense of everything and fit it so neatly into a box on a blog. Why is the lemon jelly man so good at it?

I have had quite a month: grieving all the goodbyes, joyous welcomes to friends from afar (yeah guests from the UK!!), tragedies which God somehow so quickly redeems.

I will tell you this much... i can't tell you enough.

An interesting mix of things i have been learning.

1. How to say Goodbye well: I think a lot has to do with recognizing what the person has been in your life and reminding them of exactly what they mean to you... long letters usually do it for me. Throwing parties is good, with a love chair where the honored person sits in a chair and everyone in the room goes around and says how much they love/appreciate/cherish/admire/respect the sitter of the love chair. that one is a winner when it comes to making someone feel special.

2. Just when you think you can't take much more, you get more... and you know, you can survive it. Its weird, i don't get it, but its true

3. A little time each day goes a long way... I have spent the last week spending a little time each night before bed reading Oswald and writing out prayers and an undeniable peace arises in me the next morning knowing that i have set aside time to just stop. I hate the quiet time cliche, but its really real to me right now.

4. Everyone can be an amazing photographer, and its all because of the digital camera revolution. Bethany said that, so I take no credit. See above picture :)

5. Seeing Coldplay twice in one week makes you hungry to hang out on Camden Rd in London and get to know the guys a bit more. I really want to just pick Chris Martin's brain, not because he is hot or talented or famous, but because he seems so genuine and thats what i think we all want in a friend.

6. Confrontation should not be an easy or a fun thing... if it is, your heart is not in the right place. You should feel uncomfortable doing it, because you should care about the person you are confronting enough to know that it will be hard for them to hear what you are saying. Perhaps in empathy, healing comes more readily.

7. San Francisco is farther away than you would think.

8. No matter how much i try, i become more and more uneasy in the "world"... not because i am becoming "of" it, but because my heart still remembers what it is like being "of" and then it just aches when it is "in" and still doesn't know how to balance it all out.

9. WHAT, I HOPE IT WASN'T ON MY COAT... its so funny in so many ways and situations and its the best that only Ames and Jus know what i mean.

10. i love good bands and i love good drives and i love good kisses... i won't lie.

more soon, i promise

too many goodbyes

i have said goodbye to 3 dear friends in the last 2 weeks and my heart is very sad. i don't quite know what to feel or think... its like losing something you can't replace, but also then losing your emotions about the losing as well. I may not be making sense. i wish i had more time to think, to feel. i know i am lost in the swirl of this season, most of it feels so disjointed... i forget how much all of this shows on my face. here is to sunnier days

the sun and the river finally come through

yep, the sun finally broke in sun river and boy do i love it!! its really beautful here, i must admit. I don't think i would buy a house here, but staying here for free is great. we river rafted all day yesterday and, as my dear friend Holly has expressed, there is just something about the river. i miss it, strangely, even though its only the 2nd time i have rafted, i really really love it.

I am a different person here. We are a group of 9: 2 my parents, 4 my siblings, 2 significant others of my siblings and 1 me. its been so long since we all spent time together in one place and i feel caught in who i used to be (reminds me of recent struggles to live out my "new" identity in Him, which is ever evolving). I am more quiet, less to say and less to contribute i feel. I feel almost completely opposite of the person i am at home and work. so different. i don't know if anyone from that world would know this person. its hard and good, exploring this other part of me, but i am still adjusting to this new skin.

so rafting, rafting was just amazing. out in the middle of the oregon desert, hot and dusty, but this lush little river winding its way through the brown. we got up really early again and i was my usual bright and sunny morning self ;)... we drove out for about 1.5 hours into this desert, jacketed up and jumped onto the river. all this movement, i need more of it. i am so still at home, the only muscle getting a good workout is my brain (followed closely by my fingers typing all day :) ). I loved just floating there, listening to our animated guide telling antidotes and jokes, all of us sort of silently listening, but still so tired from the early morning. We hit a few rapids, very chill, the sun and the scenery making up for the easy waters. The best parts of the day were when we got to a few 4-6 foot drops in the river and had to all row into them and then huddle towards the middle so we wouldn't fall out, me screaming and giggling in fear and delight. River "surfing" was amazing, getting the raft caught in the current going over a huge rock and sort of just sitting in the little suction it creates... its almost like sinking the boat on purpose, water gushing all over everyone and at the very last minute you get pulled out, everyone so happy we nearly sunk the thing. i can't explain why, but this was just the most fun, but made the least sense... so it is at times.

increasingly, i got more comfortable with being there, less in the shell and more out to be with everyone, but not over them. we laughed a lot after we "surfed" the same spot about 5 times and me and my sister were nearly sucked into the river while simultaneously we were being run over by another raft who didn't see us surfing. we were pretty much the most raucous raft out there, which i like, since i am a wanna-be rebel a lot of times. We then came to a "human rapid" which was a place where we could safely get out of the boat and get sucked into the rapids ourselves. There were dozens of red and yellow "lemmings" in the water too, other groups who were on the river jumping into it all together. We joined them and again, i could not stop laughing and screaming, the 50 degree water a shock to my sun drenched skin. We did it three times, i loved it, i couldn't get enough of jumping into the rapid water, being sucked into the white rapids and then swimming as hard as i could to the shore. I want to go again right now, i loved it so much and it feels like a sort of addiction now.

This morning, we got massages,which sounds teribly posh considering the state of most of the world. My massage woman was nice and as much as I wanted to stay silent, we got to talking, mostly about her son and college, the economy, housing prices etc. It finally came out that I worked in a church and she seemed happy, but did not ask more about it. We talked about the state of the world, the poverty and how utterly devastating it was. She just kept saying that all we can do is just take care of ourselves and do what we can that it right in front of us. She said ultimately all that matters is that we take care of ourselves, because if we don't do that, then we would never be able to help others. She did say that she knew without a doubt that whoever we believe in (i assume she meant whatever God we believe in) that they had a plan, that everything had a plan and that sometimes we can't understand it and we hust have to keep hoing. I agreed with her on that, and I added that perhaps in taking care of ourselves, we sometimes needed to take care of others in order to feed our own soul, in order to grow. She sort of dismissed it and just said we will hurt a lot of people in life and we just need to remember our intentions in the first place. The key, she said a few times, is to be open-minded.

I find it fascinating how easily the life philosophy's of people get revealed, even in one hour massages. I am fascinated at how much you can know of someone's views so quickly. She seems to share the similar widely held, but vague beliefs that a lot of people share. a vague outline of some Christ's teaching, but caught in the fog somewhere. General, but not clear. So interesting.

in the river of sun

i am being told to write about what its like to walk around in oregon. its really beauitful actually, quite stunning, but normal. Really nature-y, you know, but it sometimes seems sort of Truman Show-esque, like its outside, but really really clean, all the rows and rows of trees and the water is really clear. Its like suburban woods, but its real, though, you know?

i borrowed "the call" from a friend, one of the only ones who reads this blog regularly (i left you a note, nabajuice :) ) and i was struck by this quote... (am i turning into grace squared or what?)

True seekers are different. On meeting them you feel their purpose, their energy, their integrity, their idealism, and their desire to close in on an answer. Something in life has awakened questions, has made them aware of a sense of need, has forced them to consider where they are in life. They have become seekers because something has spurred their quest for meaning and they have to find an answer.

True seekers are looking for something. They are people for whom life or a part of life, has suddenly become a point of wonder, a question, a problem, or a crisis. This happens so intensely that they are stirred to look for an answer beyond their present answers and to clarify their position in life. However the need arise, whatever it calls for, the sense of need consumes searchers and launches them on their quest. Notice that “a sense of need” does not justify peoples believing. People do not come to believe in the answers they seek because of the need- that would be irrational and make the believer vulnerable to the accusation that faith is a crutch. Rather, seekers disbelieve in what they believed before because of new questions their previous beliefs could not answer. Os Guiness “The Call”

I do believe i met a true seeker a few weeks ago and we had lunch right before i left for vacation. it was refreshing to talk with her, to hear what she is so passionate about and how intelligent and engaging and real she is. I cannot believe that i get to know her and just be part of her true seeking. what a gift.

up early on Sat morning, really early, actually... up early enough to borrow "the call" from the office in sc and be back in sv in time to leave for out 9 hour drive to oregon. it was easy, passing quickly, i didn't drive at all. i talked with my stepmom and sister much of the time and i love their minds and heart. i love them so much. they were so anxious about the rest of the family flying up in my dads 4seater plane. i wasn't really worried- i guess death feels like it would be a relief, so i am not scared of it as much. but i am sometimes. maybe i was tired. i journaled the last 2 pages in my journal and it felt good for it to be over, done, a completion.


one thing that struck me as we saw oregon today was the quote "why did you have to pick a christianity which sends people to hell? why didn't you chose a different, more liberal one? why not another religion with different values?"

and i cannot answer for the life of me, because.....

i feel like it chose me

and i have no way of explaining how or why....



it just did.

sf on the 4th