alone... on purpose

i did it.

i spent the last 36 hours by myself. for your introverts, you are not impressed. for you extro's... be proud of me, cause i finally did it. i have been wanting a "personal" weekend for so long... the only other time i have done it was in italy this past summer, which was of course incredible, but also, i mean it was italy... you can do anything there.

no, this time, it was different. a bigger challenge (especially in the winter weather and in the midst of regular life), taking time away to be alone, to think, to be with my thoughts, was a feat i didnt know i could accomplish-- but i did do it and i am glad.

i feel more exhausted than i have in a LONG time and thats saying a lot, since i have recently been pretty tired in the new job/new relationship/general wear and tear of life. but this is the best kind of exhausted.

some of the observations of a day and a half alone:

my thoughts are consuming, my brain on hyperdrive so much of the time, that its like this dog gnawing a bone where the meat and flavor is all gone, but it still gnaws. time alone is exhausting, cause no one is there to stop you from gnawing.

time alone does not equal instant spiritual enlightenment, per say.... it does give you nice insights into things, good observations, time to let thoughts unfold. but its way more normal and mundane than i expected, which is a relief. i didnt know if i was capable of sustaining instant spiritual enlightment.

i LOVE being in new places, exploring new towns and new streets. its enlivening to me, i dont know if i can explain it. but i do love it so much and i got to do it a lot this weekend. walking around downtown palo alto, i felt very carrie in sex and the city. like any conversation could become a new way to see something, like possibility was everywhere, like i was capable and able and (gasp!) very comfortable on my own. there's kristin, alone, eating a yummy sandwich at pluto's. ah, there she is again, walking down the street in the rain, soaking in the atmosphere, the wind, the wet converse, the people, leaves fall, laughter. here we find her browsing borders, reading interesting things by intellectual and pop culuturally saavy people. ah, look at her sipping tea, reading her book, laughing, rubbing cold socks on cold feet, wishing for a heater. (ah, is self observation and narration narcissistic or cute?)

driving all these new places, i got lost a lot... and it made me laugh. God, in his little way, was teaching me the whole-God is in control, knows the directions, is in charge, its ok to be lost and find your way again-thing.

going to dinner alone... not as terrifying as you would think. its, well, enjoyable. you pick up on things from people, situations, much more easily. you soak things up. you worry less about silence. people looked at me with sympathy, but i just smiled, assured in eating my pasta and bread and coke on my own.

going to a movie alone... also not so bad. great, even. especially when the movie makes you think and ponder writing, life, meaning, death, fate, control. and you leave feeling empowered and stronger simply because you did something normal, totally alone.