slow down

for two days in a row, i was stuck in worse than normal traffic on the highway. today, as I sat there barely moving at all, i started noticing how different the highway looks when you are going slow on it. this part of the highway i was on literally never has traffic and usually moves so quickly that i never even notice what it looks like. i began to wonder if its like the highway itself is not ever even supposed to be seen at such slow speeds. you can see all the places where cars have wrecked into the sides, the marks ugly and scarring. and you notice the broken glass, too, the places where things have come completely apart. but you also see the other people around you better, notice the person in the red suv ahead put their hand on the door and then stretch it out a bit, absent-minded, bored. the other cars moving opposite you are seen more fully. the road signs and directions clearer.

a forced slow down.

intersections

i have been learning of late about repeating.

facing so many of the same mistakes i have made before, i am seeing repeating. all these same circumstances and fears haunt me because of their cursed familiarity. i was wisely reminded that we all will repeat our mistakes and that our set of "issues" does not change from 25 to 55. not to say healing and restoration is impossible. not to say we dont learn to deal with the issues we have and that we dont have times where we feel we have overcome them.

but our issues will always be the same. we are going to keep coming to these same intersections that look so familiar, wondering why we keep coming back to them. havent i learned? havent i worked through this? why do i keep coming back here? the familiarity becomes sickening, inbearable.

but just because the intersection is the same, doesnt mean that we arent learning or changing. maybe its the same intersection, but maybe, this time, the semi-truck isnt going to run us over. maybe, this time, we will wait at the red light. maybe, this time, we will slow at the yellow. maybe this time, we will get to go right through on green. maybe, this time, we will not freak out that we have come to the same intersection once again.

maybe, this time.

survival

i was driving to work today, listening to death cab's piano intro to "what sarah said" (which lends itself to lots of introspective thinking) and as i pulled in to stop at the light, i watched a homeless man walking along the side of the road towards the new shelter on river st. he threw up his arms as if startled and looked around. then he leaned his head back just so slightly and sighed. as i lost sight of his front, i focussed only his mismatched clothes and his posture leaning forward, going towards a nothing he wished was something.

when i was really young, i used to be deathly afraid of ending up homeless. i felt like it was just a few bad choices away, life on the street. like somehow if i didnt follow this exact right path, leaned my foot too far in one direction, wasnt paying attention to something big that would cause me to fall, that i would end up without anything or anyone. survival as an adult seemed so unstable, so uncertain. how did you end up comfortable, without fear of losing everything? of course survival is so much more complicated than that- our hearts are always causing complication even with the basic necessities being provided.

i started driving again and as i steadied my way up the hill towards mission st, i saw on the side of the road two heads bobbing along between the road and the fence- a homeless man and woman heading the same direction as the man before. there they were between a road full of cars on their way somewhere and a fence closing in a huge concrete company working steadily way. two people walking.

homesick

its funny because the last time i wrote on this blog, i was halfway around the world, seeing sights, experiencing a new culture, soaking up the travel life and i was just fine. and now here i sit one month after my return, on my couch, in my house, in my hometown and i am homesick.

i have this working theory that those of us who try to follow after jesus have a special awareness that we as humans are not ever really at home here on earth, in these lives, in these bodies, there situations. based on that one part in 1 peter where it says something about us being aliens, foregeiners in a strange land, i have formulated this idea that no matter how hard we try, we wont ever feel totally like we are home, that we will always be yearning for a place that we cant quite get to yet.

its so deceiving, because we can be satiated with so many things of this life... we get used to certain comforts, certain expected ways of being, certain certainties. but nothing ever remains really constant. and when they do for awhile, we are bored and complain of stagnancy. its like, deep down we are just uncomfortable with this place- our souls, our very beings know something is wrong- but we just keep trying to cover that up and move from one feeling of comfort to the next.

when we lose a comfort that we got used to, especially a big one, like a person we love, or a place we counted on, or a way of being in the world that was easy... it devastates us. reminds us of our transience. shakes out the false comfort and leaves us with the reality of our own human desitution. we are so poor on our own. even with money, even with a job, a car, people around. we are just left lacking in so many ways.

this following after jesus thing.... its so real. its easy to follow after him sometimes, when you can see the instant results of difficulty. usually thats how it works for me. something terrible happens- a loss, a hard conversation, a period of confusion- and i begin analyzing it, looking for reasons, trying to see patterns, make sense of it. so many times, i can see in part why it seems like things happen. and many times, its not like i reason it out shallowly- many times i conclude that the answer is that this adversity is supposed to make me more like my maker. that i am sharing in his suffering to some degree. that my character is being refined. which is all well and good in retrospect, right? but in the midst of it, you are mess. you FEEL IT. because your a human.

i am so homesick right now. and no amount of reasons can make that feeling go away.

italian thinking

i have been travelling europe for the past 13 days. i have seen a lot. i have thought a lot of bloggable thoughts. i am too tired and sunburned to recount them all, but here are a few about italy.

one. i love italy. not because its perfect, but because of all its little idiosyncracies and imperfections. the sheer insanity of the roads and driving. the dozens of near death experiences being inside and outside of a vehicle. the bad customer service in nice restaurants but the quaint hospitality of the street fruit vendors. the buildings and their inviting colors and artistic decay. the people, alternatively stylish and smug, and endearing and normal.

two: the gelateria on every corner. michael wanting gelato at every possible moment.

three: the sun and sky and clouds only slightly different from those in california, but still begging me to try to capture them with my camera.

four: ciao! as hello and goodbye

five: having pasta and pizza every night for dinner. yummy.

six: the history. the thousands of years of life and trauma and beauty and triumph this place has seen.

seven. the epicness of the coastline.... again looks slightly like ca coastline, but totally different. listening to *we live in a beautiful world* being sung out over the waters as we ride the ferry home from little positano.

eight: the little side streets in every city, every one of them looks as though a romantic moment is about to occur, or like an old woman will come out to sweep her steps and invite you in to have dinner or that a photograph is about to be taken to give that street eternal posterity.

nine: trains and windows and trees and perspectives and views. falling asleep to the ipod with the murmur of the train full of young italians on holiday laughing and joking. learning english from a nice teenage boy who felt bad for me trying to pronounce things correctly.

ten: cinque terra. every last detail of it.


thats all for now. more soon with pictures.

a wink

recently i lamented to a friend that in the midst of all my busy-ness with ministry, all i wanted was to be able to go to a coffeeshop and hang out and maybe engage with people about faith and life and have it just be natural thing. i am sitting in capitola on a brilliant day, in mr toots coffeeshop looking out onto the busy beach streets, tourists all the over, people just buzzing around happy to be in the sun and to be free. i am working on a talk i am giving next week and have my bible open. no one else, save for the coffeeshop workers, are in here on such a gorgeous day. as i am spacing out listening to "the fray" and lost in thought about the great commandement and great commission and how our stories are part of God's larger story, a man approaches me and asks if i am studying the bible. And i pull out my headphones and say, yes I am. He asks me if he can ask a question about Matthew (which is exactly the book i am studying in right now!) and i say sure. He asks about praying in public vs praying in private and how it says in matthew to go into a closet and pray alone, but how people pray in public over meals and asks why that is. i answer that i think it has to do with your heart- if you are praying in public to gain attention or show how spiritual you are, thats one thing- but if it is truly to give God thanks, than i think thats ok. i also said i dont think its a rule in the bible that you have to pray a certain way at all time... sometime prayer is totally private and sometimes its healthy to pray in groups as a way of connecting. he thanked me and said he just wondered about that and then walked away.

and i just smiled. God does this to me sometimes, just winks at me- i know what you need, kristin.

let me explain the best

yesterday was a pretty tough day. a lot of things are changing around me and try as i might, there is nothing i can do to control them. its times like this that are the best and the worst.

worst because most times big changes are painful and we cant see the reasons behind them. worst because in our limited view, the outcome seems to bring nothing but pain and heartache.

best because in this near-broken state, i am coming to understand what it means to pray without ceasing and what true comfort really is.

i went into the empty sanctuary yesterday and sat in one of those much contested pews. i told God outloud that i didnt understand what was happening and cried to him. it felt strange hearing my voice echo in the room... a room where thousands of prayers have been prayed, many in silence. i kept expecting someone to come inside and find me in this vulnerable state- but, i kept telling him what was going on and though he already knew it all, it felt right to just say it outloud. maybe to remind myself that he is listening. i needed comfort so badly- i wanted it from anywhere, a voice, a hug, the right words to tell me it would all be ok. for some reason God is the last one you go to for this, but the one who satisifies that need more completely than we know. i think the comfort he brings is not the instantaneous comfort of physical touch or audible words... its so much deeper, so more settling to the core. an under-gurded peace, one you need to keep reminding yourself is there- since in your human state you are always running around looking for the immediate.

best because in suffering, we can be united with all others who are suffering, somehow understanding each other through the pain and making us closer.

i had read in that same henri nouwen book (the way of the heart) two nights ago the concept that as "ministers of the word" (ie people in ministry) we are always dealing with people who are suffering and in pain. so many times, "what we (ministers) desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it....doing something to show our presence makes a difference." He goes on to say "And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer." yesterday, in facing a lot of change and pain and a strange sort of suffering, i thought of those words i had read. as the day progressed, i saw a woman in a wheelchair eating lunch with her husband. she had no legs past her knees. and my heart just hurt, thinking of what that must have been like for her to lose them. and then later, as we prayed down by the water, one of the benches near us had a name engraved on it, with the birth and death date only 5 years apart. and i thought of those parents who had lost their 5 year old and my heart hurt, thinking of what that must have been like for them to lose her. i thought again of nouwen's concept of entering into solidarity with those who suffer and as we sat praying by that bench, i understood something of the reality of that solidarity.

the infinite abyss

i had a divine appointment today. scheduled right from God, it seems. why he makes them so late sometimes, especially before an early sunday morning church gathering, is beyond me. but i am thankful he is in charge of my divine schedule and not me.

tonight, i got to talk with a dear friend for a couple hours--someone who i have always wanted to be closer to but never got a chance to really talk this way with-- parked in my car in front of her house. it was one of those convos where i felt like we could have talk forever and ever... it seemed like it could have just kept going. and the topics transitioned so easily into each other and kept revealing more and more and opening up all these new worlds and interesting things to explore. i would like to have seen a painting of our conversation, it would be stunning.

one subject we touched on was the idea of this abyss we all have inside of us. that there is this deep down loneliness, a black hole-like thing, that we all carry around. and we try to fill it with all sort of things-- sometimes petty things like better clothes, better technology, better belongings; sometimes bigger things that seem like they may actually fill it all the way up-- a better job, a better location, a better significant other. but the truth is that it never gets filled up, because its an abyss... an infinite abyss (garden state, anyone?)-- and those can't be filled. we talked about how at some points in our lives, we become more keenly aware of our abyss, and that sudden awareness of the abyss is often terrifying. usually the awareness comes when we slow down our lives from all the busy-ness and crazy schedules and people and things and do's. its like when we stop cluttering our lives and see them for what they are, this giant hole is revealed. and most times, we don't know what to do with it. henri nouwen talks about this in one of his books... how we need to recognize we have this abyss, that its present and does not go away and we need to learn how to navigate it. we cant let ourselves be consumed by it, but we cant ignore it either. we have to just learn to look at it, know its there and understand how not to fall in. thats a loose explanation of what he so eloquently said, but you get what i mean.


on another possibly related note, i have been watching the sky a lot more lately. every morning i drive down from scotts valley into santa cruz. usually scotts valley is gorgeous in the morning, all sunny and warm and everything is just radiant and hopeful. as i drive down into santa cruz, the skyline changes into a gray/brown/miserable foggy color, usually right at the ocean line. every morning this week, i would think to myself, "huh? i wonder which is going to win today, the fog or the sun?" because sometimes the fog sticks around all day and the sun can't seem to break through it. but somedays, usually by noon or one, the sun will break through and santa cruz becomes all glorious. tonight, coming home from my friends place, santa cruz was cloudy, but the road was clear. as i came into scotts valley, the fog was thick and closer to the ground. all along the highway were lamposts creating these brilliant triangles of fog infused light. you couldnt tell that they were even lamposts, they just looked likes lights coming out of nowhere, unattached to anything, suspended from nothing. and it was this beauitful moment- somewhere in it was a metaphor about the night and fog and the road and a source of mysterious light guiding me home.

small talk

i am sort of beginning to realize that small talk can be really draining. i am a pretty extroverted person (and have always been) but i think i am beginning to get a little more introverted as time goes by. and i am realizing that putting out the effort to make small talk is getting a bit more difficult as i go more intro.

i was in trader joes today and had the realization that i always feel really awkward when i interact with the checkers there. they seem like really cool people, many of them have tattoos and piercings and funky hair and i always think to myself, i would like to talk to/hang out/become friends with these people. but i am not sure how exactly to do that and when i try to make small talk, i just feel really dumb. like, just, i don't know, like i am trying too hard? not that those people are rude, at all!! but more like, i am trying to be casual, you know cool- breezy (i'm breezy!) and then... awkward silence...! and i suck with silence, i can't take it.

today i finally asked this checker, named moses, if it was hard to make small talk with people all day. he laughed and said yes, but that some people dont talk back really and sometimes there is all kinds of awkward silence with the customers and then they just leave. he said he just gets used to the silence.

moses wants to be a photographer and has a showing at a new brewery in town, which is very interesting to me and he was very excited to tell me about it. it was cool to have that 2.5 minute conversation and watch someone doing their mundane check out job and then see them just light up when talking about what they are passionate about. i love that.

loving people is not efficient

yesterday, a man visiting vintage said to me that if the church was really living out its call, that it would not settle right with most people, because it would be so radically different than what most of the world looks like. he goes to different churches in the area to see what they are doing and then has a website that is a resource for people looking for a church to be part of. most churches, he says, are hidden away in suburban areas and rarely put themselves in a place to be confronted with the ills of whats actually happening in the world. as we talked, he looked me square in the face and just said that jesus angered most of the leaders around him by doing what he did. and that if a church today was living the way he did, it would cause some serious reaction in those around them.

then dan, in the message he gave yesterday, recounted in the book of john how jesus basically told the religious leaders to their face that they did not know God.

then, i was listening to one of derek webb's live albums today and he was talking about the danger of following Jesus and how those of us who try to make this endeavor our lifes work are not in for a life that will not offend people- that living for jesus will get us into trouble and will not be easy. i love it, because he wasn't saying that we should be jerks about our faith, but that when we present the gospel and live out the gospel, it should not feel cozy and nice all the time. and it should not make everyone happy. and then he goes on to say that loving people is not efficient.

and I am just utterly intrigued, because it feels like in some strange way, these words are shades of my new color.

i feel like the inside of me is turning a different color

leaving

today, i spent time with my dear friend maxwell. we waited in line for what seemed like hours to get some yummy picnic food. it was clear and perfect in santa cruz and we found our way out to lighthouse field, to sun and wind and we set up our little picnic. we kept talking about how he leaves tomorrow for a road trip across the country which will end up in ohio, where he will stay for good. and its weird. because i am used to just being able to call him and just go hang out, do whatever, chill. and how is that not happening anymore? i dont like leaving , when i have to do it or when other people do it to me. but then, i do love travel and adventure and change. and leaving is part of that.

and i wonder when will it be me leaving all this?


that is scary... lets not talk about it, ok?

the messy of ministry

yep, it certainly is messy.

for the 6 years i have been following Jesus, i have been in full time ministry for almost 3. its been pretty wild, considering the ministry has been a church plant. a church plant that moved to a new building at age 2. a church plant with a lot of people and a lot of ambitions. and a lot of expectations, as our dear danny's books have cause us to be under the microscope of many who want to know what we do and how we do it and a few who don't like what we do at all.

i dont know if i am at the point where i can make a lot of poignant observations about ministry-- i dont think i am in a place to disperse all kinds of wisdom about how its done or how it should look, because i am coming to the place of realizing that it is just really really messy. and all the systems and structures and strategies are great to give us a framework and move things forward. but living in those things, the systems.... its not really real. i think sometimes i want to live by the structures and what they impose, rather than in the heart of what they are meant to help and move along. maybe i am not making sense, but i just honestly feel like somewhere in the last 3 years, i have missed the point. or a few points. sometimes i am on, sometimes off. some days i LOVE WHAT I DO, are you JOKING?! its the best job in the world. other days, i want to be as far from anything "church" as possible.

lately, its definitely been tough. i think after we moved buildings, we lost a bit of our fire. like, all the effort to get this thing over to a new place has sapped us. not only is it a move into a new place, but we got new roomies and are learning how they live with them and maybe one day join as one big family in the same house. we shall see. in the process of moving and learning about the new roomies and unpacking our rooms and trying to figure out how to live here, i think we got blurry eyed about the community. how do you actually care for a whole community of dynamic, complex individuals, with all their needs and struggles? maybe not care for them, like the staff has to counsel every individual, but making sure that we are encouraging and equipping the community to actually care for itself, to function as a united healthy body. whats the balance between the gathering and helping it to be dynamic and quality and invigorated with that something to help people experience God more deeply ... and.... investing in the training and care and growth of people who come to that gathering and who meet during the week as the church? are we even making an impact on people outside of the church community?

i dont have any answers.

i think my lack of answers/peace about having no answers, coupled with complete exhaustion and the vague/pressing feeling of panic about my future (what am i DOING with my life?!?) has lead me to a point of near burn out. by God's grace, i get to travel to Europe this summer and do one of my most favorite things (adventure!), which i am hoping and eagerly expecting will change my perspective and outlook, so that i might have some sense of what to do when i return. perhaps it will be a new me who comes home?

today, at our staff meeting, i got a taste of a new perspective. instead of jumping in to church "business" as we sometimes do, we spent some good time praying for each other and for the community. then, we opened up the scriptures (mark) to the story of jesus healing the deaf and mute man by putting his fingers in the mans ears and touching his own spit to the mans tongue and declaring "be opened"-and when the crowds found out about this, they went crazy and told everyone. i am sure i had heard/read this sometime before, but i got a new view of it today. just of jesus' fingers in your ears and his spit on your tongue and his voice saying "BE OPENED"... something in that, its so visceral and real- (jesus! a person with fingers, spit and a voice!) i don't know. i just loved it. we discussed it, had a mini little bible study about it. lots of good things were said, observations made and conclusions taken away. josh made the point that sometimes in ministry, we get to see stuff like this... people being healed/changed so completely after an encounter with Jesus and/or his church and it being made known to everyone to celebrate and marvel at. and sometimes, its not so obvious- sometimes, little things happen that never go noticed, but that are equally as amazing and should be just as celebrated.

so we spent the next 30 minutes or so talking about the big things and little things of our ministries: ministry teams getting new members that where much needed, the youth group experiencing amazing times of worship and connection and having plenty of capable and excited leaders, people in the gathering truly experiencing God's spirit and being compelled to be involved and want to be part of the church, a group of musicians who had walked away from the faith beginning to meet with one of the pastors for bible study... just amazing things that happen each week that we forget to tell each other and forget to really celebrate. after those quick 30 minutes of sharing stories, we prayed and it just became so clear: we need to REALLY CELEBRATE whats been going on, even the smallest things. we must be diligent to allow ourselves to bask in the wonder of what God is doing in this community, we must recognize that these stories are why we do what we do!! i am an encourager, its definitely up there on my list of gifts, but i realized i had been so bogged down with the messiness of ministry, that i had been forgetting to encourage by story telling, had forgotten to look for the happy moments in all the mess. because if we cant celebrate those things, why are we doing this at all?

its not slowing down. its not getting easier. no amount of structuring and systematic planning will ever make ministry perfect. seasons will change, some are less intense, some more. but the goal is still there. the God at the center of it all is still the same and will always be. i want to keep my eyes on that, not the mess.

this is beautiful

If I am alive this time next year, will I have arrived in time to share?
And mine is about as good this far.
And I'm still applied to what you are.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.
And I heard from the trees a great parade.
And I heard from the hills a band was made.
And will I be invited to the sound?
And will I be a part of what you've made?
And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.

in the middle...

a few nights ago I had an interesting conversation with a friend about stuff of the Bible. We talked about Genesis- how its original audience could not have grasped the concept of the earth as a sphere or even have had a fraction of the knowledge we have about the planet/universe/galaxy etc, and how the explanation of the world being formed being so simple kind of makes sense in light of that. Also, the weightiness and significance of the words “In the beginning…” We also talked about the fact that when you explain the actual basis of the Christian faith, it sort of sounds crazy: someone died and was raised from the dead and we get to talk to and relate to and be together with God forever because of that. A lot of stuff in the Bible is sort of nutty, if you think about it: people being raised from the dead, being taken up to heaven in a cloud, seas being parted, people being swallowed by whales. It’s actually a pretty wacky set of things to believe in, if you think about it. Not that I don’t want to believe, but I just think its interesting when you start to view it from a certain perspective.

So, yeah, thinking about these aspects of my faith, I sat there on the floor of my living room, leaning on the futon, sort of milling things over. I kneeled down and started talking to God about things- just praying for my friends and family and all the things going on in everyone’s lives: the good, the bad, the confusing, the beautiful. And then I sat up and looked across from me, to the empty place I imagined God to be. And I got sort of frustrated for a bit, thinking how I just wished I would have been able to lean over and touch God and have him talk to me, look at me, explain things to me. I wondered why He has chosen to not take physical form and stay in physical form, why would He not be manifested in some way that we could relate to him more easily. And I know, the standard answer to this is that He is EVERYWHERE, in His creation, in nature, in laughter, in a hug between friends, blah blah blah. But still, I just felt a bit cheated for a second. Like, God, why can’t I just touch you?

Then… I had this thought: some wise people from throughout my life have taught me that we can’t force the people we love to be the way WE think they should be: we need to let them be who they are… that to love is to accept others where they are and how they are. And I thought about the fact that I love God. I love Him for how He has always been to me, for who He is… and He has chosen to show himself to me the way that He has, however metaphysical and strange it may seem to people outside of it. How can I ask God to be the way I think He should be? I can’t impose my expectations on God, since I love Him and want to love Him how he is.

Granted, God is God and I am so small comparatively, that to think that I could impose expectations on Him is pretty ridiculous. But I like to think He will humor me in thinking these thoughts and exploring these possibilities.

I am glad to be where I am with Him.

wrestle

i am wrestling. with a lot. last monday, there was such a sense of peace and calm before a storm just blew through my life. i am such an optimist, i almost missed it. but it flattened me today, the remnants of the storm making me achey and unsettled.... and i dont want to make it sound like "the" storm, as if somehow its the only one that has happened in a while or that its isolated and singular in its effects and aftermath. but its one of the storms that happen and those storms are to be expected. i wish i had better vocabulary to describe what it did. sometimes i get sick of the set of words i use for things and wish i could use a whole other language to say how it feels. why is there such a deep deep desire to explain inside of me? i know that somewhere in me is a writer, a story teller, a conveyer of how it is.

i went to this country western bar/dance club thing on saturday night. i am sort of ashamed to admit it, actually. but it was fun and i wont deny that i enjoyed myself, especially when the band covered usher's "yeah" and the guitarist actually rapped. i was pretty much in heaven right then. but most of the night i stayed inside myself and just observed. just watched people and wondered about them. why were they here? what was their motivation? what was their story? i wanted to get inside their brains and just wander around and figure them out. and write about them. there was this much older man in a flannel shirt sort of just lurking at the edges of the dance floor. he looked lost, a bit too old to be there at all, his eyes set on something none of us could see. every now and then i would see him bring a girl half his age onto the dance floor and show her a good dance. and you sort of expected him to be inappropriate or weird... but he just danced with her and spun her and touched the small of her back for just a second and then spun her again. and i just watched him- wondering how he got to be such a fine dancer? what brought him here tonight? what was he like when he was my age? was he lonely now?

i don't know.

there is wrestling. there is no definition. there is a realization that if everything i know is logically wrong, i still can't walk away from it because there is no where else to go. there is a standing on the edge of something and not being able to see. there is confusion and exhaustion and questioning.

ah, but then....

there is dancing.

holding pattern

first, i think its kind of funny how my blog fluctuates between semi-poetic meanderings on life, records of memorable events, deeply theological/ecclesiological thoughts and other random things i feel like writing about. i am not really sure why i blog in the first place... its such a strange attraction to blog... they are like journal entries/records of your life/excuses for you to satisfy a desire for people to affirm you/tell you you are a good writer/pay attenton to you... i dont know.

i have been in this weird place since i got back from river rafting this weekend. like i cant go to sleep at night, even though i am super tired. like i am exhausted all the time and sort of overwhelmed by even the most simple things at work, but i have all sorts of energy to check myspace, blog-surf, eat lots of junk food and talk with people on the phone. maybe i am having indulgence overload and cant get myself to face the realities of being a person with a full time job and lots of responsibilities.

i had an amazing weekend with holly in super norcal (almost at the border of oregon and ca)-- lots of alone time (which is hard for me to take, being such an extrovert), lots of jaw-dropping natural beauty, lots of girl talk, lots of just goodness, you know? it was much needed and i came back refreshed... only to be tackled with an insane week at work with all kinds of different challenges that make the most route tasks seem absolutely impossible.

right now, i just have this strange feeling that things are changing... everything seems just slightly turned, like its heading in a different direction, like... i don't know, i cant describe it. i feel like i am ready to see things in a new way, to begin to expand out. more than anything- i need an adventure. an honest to goodness adventure. with unexpected twists, with unclear direction, with high stakes and lots of unknown. i dont know how you chase down adventure, or how you attain it. it doesnt seem like it should be something you should even have to attain or look for. seems like it should just find you. this isnt to say i am not challenged, or growing or striving. but... i feel restless.

words that you feel

"what is the blooming tincture of the skin
to peace of mind and harmony within
what bright sparkling of first eye
to the soft soothing of calm reply"

i found that on the back of a gospel cd over easter weekend. it soothes me in all the insanity.

conversations, not conversions - part 1

Last saturday night, i had one of the toughest conversations of my life. when you really love people and you really love God and the people you love don't agree with the God you love, it hurts. A lot.

I think conversations like last saturday's are pretty much absolutely essential for the growth of people who call themselves christians. I am starting to believe that without those conversations, follows of Jesus (like me) won't be able to grow right. Maybe you will grow, but you probably grow stunted. Stunted and slowly. Conversations like last weeks speed you up, make you grow right and straight. But with growth, pain.

Let me start where it starts. Last saturday came after weeks of prayer. Prayer that God would use me outside of my comfortable christians circles, outside of my consistent busyness, beyond the place i had been for so many months. And i am telling you, God answers prayers. Me and my new guy were meeting with a couple of dear friends for dinner downtown. After light introductory banter, laughter, beer analysis, and some fine conversation, my self and my friend somehow landed on the topic of individuality vs group mentality. As my friend spoke of groups, he brought up Christianity as an example of a group mentality. He, not being a Christian, had some criticisms for the way christanity approached individualism and disliked the way that Christians claimed to be "one" without recognizing the deep complexities of the individual. This quickly developed into an intense, often heated, discussion of Christianity.

As my friend spoke openly about his dislike for many aspects of the Christian faith and the idea of there even being a God at all, I could feel my heart quicken. It's pace slowly but surely fastened and i told it, "no, heart, this won't be one of those conversations, no need to get all worked up... this will get solved soon here and we will move on to easier topics..." But i was wrong.

With my heart rater increasing, my friend began to broach the idea/problem of christians claiming to have the exclusive knowledge of the way to heaven, and even questioned whether there was a heaven or afterlife at all, or if it was just a selfish way for us to look beyond the life we are given now and hope for something more. Other ideas brought up were the bible as myth- a good set of ways to live, but questionable as an actual account of history; the existence of God as an outward projection of our inner moral standards; the difference between the God of the Old Testament and New Testament; Jesus forgiving everyone vs. just those who believe in him now. I feel like i want to address all of these ideas in indivdual blogs, which i might do-- but for now, i want to give the story of the night. Maybe at some point we can dive in and you all can give me your thoughts.

So, as my friend brought up these ideas, I felt like i was swimming/drowning-- trying to keep my head afloat. You see, my friend is quite smart-- very articulate, very passionate. As he brought each of these things up one by one, i felt so inadequate to even begin trying to get into a deeper discussion of the points he was making. To some of what he said, i was able to engage him and try to give an answer to what he was questioning, but for so many things, i just had to admit to not completely understanding it all.

One of the major realizations that i had during this conversation was the idea that christianity is seen by so many people outside of the church as a series of moral ideals or rules. That by following a set of moral codes, one can earn their way into good graces with God and therefore get into heaven. And beyond this moral standard, there is not much more to christianity than a judgemental finger pointing at most of society and an agressive political agenda that alienates more than unites people (though i guess those two things can be put under the morality heading). A defining moment of the night was when my friend point blank asked me the most difficult question i think i ever have to answer: if he lives his whole life as a good person, living by the standards Jesus lays out for life but not necessarily believing that Jesus was the savior and the only way to eternal life, was Jesus going to deny him a place in heaven when he died? Even now, its hard to breathe and hard to think about that answer.

As insane as it sounds, and as little sense as it makes to my finite little mind, i don't think morality gets us into God's good graces and i don't think being a good person is what is most imporant in life. I hate that this concept has become a bit of a christianese catchphrase, but i know no other way than this to describe it.... its not about rules, its about relationship. From what i can understand and what stands up to experience and what is laid out in scripture, God cares first about our relationship with him, is primarily concerned with us loving him and desiring him and having faith in him. out of this relationship, our morality is formed, our being a "good person" comes into play.

Trying to articulate this idea of having a relationship with an invisible God who is outside of time and space is not easy. I felt crazy trying to explain it to my friend, who seemed both angry with my seemingly pat answer and confused at why his friend, whom he had known for 8 years, would answer that yes, she believed in a God who would not accept him without him having put faith in Jesus during his time on earth.

ah, this kills me, just writing it out. i am aware that anyone could read these words, even my friends from that night, and be angered, confused, disillusioned with what i am saying here. and i question the sanity of it all, sometimes. i mean, who hasn't? but somehow, in these last 6 years of living in relationship with God and trying to love him and lay down my life to be used as his,
i realize the truth that my ways are not his ways, my thoughts are not his thoughts.

more soon....

more on illumination

Oh man, i SO should not be up right now. I am at the point of near exhaustion, after almost 2 weeks without a day off... oh man, oh man, Jesus help me.

BUT, i couldn’t not stay up and write... its always times like this that one feels most inspired and most fired up to let these writerly thoughts flow out... or maybe not even writerly so much as just EXCITED, INSPIRED, EAGER for more. Let me try to explain.

Tonight, i had my community group, which has been going now for about 5 months. In the beginning, it was kind of an awkward group and i had very little hope it would grow into anything substantial. I actually remember lamenting this fact to my mentor, worrying over the way it was going, fretting that it would just be sort of uncomfortable and surface forever. And God, in all his stinkin amazing wisdom and mercy, has literally created the most beautiful little family unit in this group and it is so dear to my heart in such a special, unique way, its really hard to put it down in words.

Tonight was just a perfect example of how beautiful everything is, how illuminated it all becomes when God does his thing in a group of willing people. I came to group so tired (and so tired, i couldn’t even really muster up enough energy to complain about being tired) and not having much of an idea of how the group would go. I had read up on Ephesians 4 and wanted to have an in depth, insightful study with everyone. But i couldn’t see how this would work. I was SO tired, and everyone else seemed pretty beat, too.

But as we all collected in Josh’s little living room and the buzz of conversation went on around me, i began to realize that despite my own “leadership”, there is so much more going on than me simply leading a discussion and us reading our Bibles. We all sort of languidly began sharing about our weeks, the highlights, the lowlights, the funny little idiosyncrasy’s, the lessons we were learning. It was quiet at times and talkative at others. Energy ebbed and flowed around and we sort of sat glowing. Maxwell shared about his theory on “acorns as spiritual gifts” metaphor and then did a little freestyle rapping about it, which made us all giggle and smile big smiles.

We opened up the 2nd half of Ephesians 4 and read. We began digging through the text and in time, it, too, was illuminated. Watching each person contribute to the discussion, adding their insight, experience, thoughts, it became apparent that God was at work. What I LOVE about this realization is that is the most subtle realization, it is the softest sentiment, the simplest shift... and you can just feel it go. Each person builds on the other, we all talk, add something, ideas are formed and expanded. As we sift through the meaning and talked through the themes, the truths, the realities of these words, I think everyone was taking away what they needed. It wasn’t one of those where everyone got onto the same page and we all came to the same conclusion or “application point”... it was all much more organic, raw. You just knew God was working it out in each of us.

And then...

...you begin watching everyone get quiet... but in a good way: a thoughtful, in-going quiet. A changing silence. And the glow of that. Ah, it’s a clear picture in my mind and it’s so sweet.

As we slowed down and let it all sink in, people began to get a bit vulnerable with where they were. Sharing struggles about families who denied the faith or who won’t give it a chance. Friends who can’t seem to understand, health problems that seem hopeless. Unspoken needs that can get lifted in the calling out to Him in our hearts when we pray as a group. And as we did pray together, the sweetness kept coming—not a sickening sweet, but one you savor. Amen.

After praying, we all sat around and talked about what the group meant to us. And a lot was said, and so much more could be said. I can’t quite put it all down here and now, but this is special. And this is church. I work for a church, and what we do Sunday’s is church. But this, THIS, this, its church in such a new way, such a vital way, such a needed way. I pray every group who meets could experience even a sliver of what goes on in our group. And what’s better, is that I don’t even think we have reached the best of what is to come. This is family. This is love.

I know that sometimes we can question why we are even here at all. What did God put us on earth for in the first place? There will always be someone to lead a study, someone to be part of a discussion, someone to be in a group. And maybe we won’t know our reasons in the end, maybe it won’t ever make perfect sense, the reasons. But all i know is that i wouldn’t miss nights like tonight for anything. I wouldn’t want someone else in my place tonight. I would hope everyone would have a chance to experience tonight, but i wouldn’t want to miss out on it. Something intricate and something big has brought me right to where i am: that divine plan has me where i am right now. Who am I to question that? Who am I to miss out on times like this, people like this, love like you find in nights like tonight?


Ah, live it- live it...

what are you waiting for?