.

you don't expect nights like tonight or days like today.

sometimes the questions are too big for my mind to wrap itself around and i am left trying to explain something with words that were never meant to describe such things
are there moments in your life when all the waiting around culminates into the right now and you hope and pray to God that you haven't spent that time waiting for now wasting what you were given?

i am afraid that happened tonight.

oh, let my words echo in his mind, let the bits of truth i can discern in this finite brain spark a fire in his skeptic's heart. i am left wanting to read every book on the subject, and know every answer, understand more your character and less my indulgences and stupid flesh.
i am just so tired.

and oh, the day. his voice was so shakey, i haven't heard it like that before. vulnerable, uncertain, scared, reclusive, see-through. if those fears prove to be founded, everything will change. and thats big. luckily, so big, i am not in charge of figuring it out.

my friend eric told me something a few months ago that i told him back in high school... i had said something profound to him in class one day, on one of my more lucid days apparently... something to the effect of "Writers don't see things the way normal people do, they see things the way they would write them in a book."

Thats how i feel like i am living my life right now. I am in the moment, experiencing, living, but i also think about how these experiences and the realizations and thoughts i have about them will sound written down later. and i began "blue like jazz" in front of the fire tonight. and people are breaking up, writing proposals, letting go and moving on, coming home from Europe, going home for thanksgiving, asking big questions about Truth, travelling to portland, somehow staying afloat.

and i want to write it all down.

and i want it to sound good.

and i want you to stay in my head with me for awhile and tell me what you think.