yesterday was a pretty tough day. a lot of things are changing around me and try as i might, there is nothing i can do to control them. its times like this that are the best and the worst.
worst because most times big changes are painful and we cant see the reasons behind them. worst because in our limited view, the outcome seems to bring nothing but pain and heartache.
best because in this near-broken state, i am coming to understand what it means to pray without ceasing and what true comfort really is.
i went into the empty sanctuary yesterday and sat in one of those much contested pews. i told God outloud that i didnt understand what was happening and cried to him. it felt strange hearing my voice echo in the room... a room where thousands of prayers have been prayed, many in silence. i kept expecting someone to come inside and find me in this vulnerable state- but, i kept telling him what was going on and though he already knew it all, it felt right to just say it outloud. maybe to remind myself that he is listening. i needed comfort so badly- i wanted it from anywhere, a voice, a hug, the right words to tell me it would all be ok. for some reason God is the last one you go to for this, but the one who satisifies that need more completely than we know. i think the comfort he brings is not the instantaneous comfort of physical touch or audible words... its so much deeper, so more settling to the core. an under-gurded peace, one you need to keep reminding yourself is there- since in your human state you are always running around looking for the immediate.
best because in suffering, we can be united with all others who are suffering, somehow understanding each other through the pain and making us closer.
i had read in that same henri nouwen book (the way of the heart) two nights ago the concept that as "ministers of the word" (ie people in ministry) we are always dealing with people who are suffering and in pain. so many times, "what we (ministers) desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it....doing something to show our presence makes a difference." He goes on to say "And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer." yesterday, in facing a lot of change and pain and a strange sort of suffering, i thought of those words i had read. as the day progressed, i saw a woman in a wheelchair eating lunch with her husband. she had no legs past her knees. and my heart just hurt, thinking of what that must have been like for her to lose them. and then later, as we prayed down by the water, one of the benches near us had a name engraved on it, with the birth and death date only 5 years apart. and i thought of those parents who had lost their 5 year old and my heart hurt, thinking of what that must have been like for them to lose her. i thought again of nouwen's concept of entering into solidarity with those who suffer and as we sat praying by that bench, i understood something of the reality of that solidarity.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
the infinite abyss
i had a divine appointment today. scheduled right from God, it seems. why he makes them so late sometimes, especially before an early sunday morning church gathering, is beyond me. but i am thankful he is in charge of my divine schedule and not me.
tonight, i got to talk with a dear friend for a couple hours--someone who i have always wanted to be closer to but never got a chance to really talk this way with-- parked in my car in front of her house. it was one of those convos where i felt like we could have talk forever and ever... it seemed like it could have just kept going. and the topics transitioned so easily into each other and kept revealing more and more and opening up all these new worlds and interesting things to explore. i would like to have seen a painting of our conversation, it would be stunning.
one subject we touched on was the idea of this abyss we all have inside of us. that there is this deep down loneliness, a black hole-like thing, that we all carry around. and we try to fill it with all sort of things-- sometimes petty things like better clothes, better technology, better belongings; sometimes bigger things that seem like they may actually fill it all the way up-- a better job, a better location, a better significant other. but the truth is that it never gets filled up, because its an abyss... an infinite abyss (garden state, anyone?)-- and those can't be filled. we talked about how at some points in our lives, we become more keenly aware of our abyss, and that sudden awareness of the abyss is often terrifying. usually the awareness comes when we slow down our lives from all the busy-ness and crazy schedules and people and things and do's. its like when we stop cluttering our lives and see them for what they are, this giant hole is revealed. and most times, we don't know what to do with it. henri nouwen talks about this in one of his books... how we need to recognize we have this abyss, that its present and does not go away and we need to learn how to navigate it. we cant let ourselves be consumed by it, but we cant ignore it either. we have to just learn to look at it, know its there and understand how not to fall in. thats a loose explanation of what he so eloquently said, but you get what i mean.
on another possibly related note, i have been watching the sky a lot more lately. every morning i drive down from scotts valley into santa cruz. usually scotts valley is gorgeous in the morning, all sunny and warm and everything is just radiant and hopeful. as i drive down into santa cruz, the skyline changes into a gray/brown/miserable foggy color, usually right at the ocean line. every morning this week, i would think to myself, "huh? i wonder which is going to win today, the fog or the sun?" because sometimes the fog sticks around all day and the sun can't seem to break through it. but somedays, usually by noon or one, the sun will break through and santa cruz becomes all glorious. tonight, coming home from my friends place, santa cruz was cloudy, but the road was clear. as i came into scotts valley, the fog was thick and closer to the ground. all along the highway were lamposts creating these brilliant triangles of fog infused light. you couldnt tell that they were even lamposts, they just looked likes lights coming out of nowhere, unattached to anything, suspended from nothing. and it was this beauitful moment- somewhere in it was a metaphor about the night and fog and the road and a source of mysterious light guiding me home.
tonight, i got to talk with a dear friend for a couple hours--someone who i have always wanted to be closer to but never got a chance to really talk this way with-- parked in my car in front of her house. it was one of those convos where i felt like we could have talk forever and ever... it seemed like it could have just kept going. and the topics transitioned so easily into each other and kept revealing more and more and opening up all these new worlds and interesting things to explore. i would like to have seen a painting of our conversation, it would be stunning.
one subject we touched on was the idea of this abyss we all have inside of us. that there is this deep down loneliness, a black hole-like thing, that we all carry around. and we try to fill it with all sort of things-- sometimes petty things like better clothes, better technology, better belongings; sometimes bigger things that seem like they may actually fill it all the way up-- a better job, a better location, a better significant other. but the truth is that it never gets filled up, because its an abyss... an infinite abyss (garden state, anyone?)-- and those can't be filled. we talked about how at some points in our lives, we become more keenly aware of our abyss, and that sudden awareness of the abyss is often terrifying. usually the awareness comes when we slow down our lives from all the busy-ness and crazy schedules and people and things and do's. its like when we stop cluttering our lives and see them for what they are, this giant hole is revealed. and most times, we don't know what to do with it. henri nouwen talks about this in one of his books... how we need to recognize we have this abyss, that its present and does not go away and we need to learn how to navigate it. we cant let ourselves be consumed by it, but we cant ignore it either. we have to just learn to look at it, know its there and understand how not to fall in. thats a loose explanation of what he so eloquently said, but you get what i mean.
on another possibly related note, i have been watching the sky a lot more lately. every morning i drive down from scotts valley into santa cruz. usually scotts valley is gorgeous in the morning, all sunny and warm and everything is just radiant and hopeful. as i drive down into santa cruz, the skyline changes into a gray/brown/miserable foggy color, usually right at the ocean line. every morning this week, i would think to myself, "huh? i wonder which is going to win today, the fog or the sun?" because sometimes the fog sticks around all day and the sun can't seem to break through it. but somedays, usually by noon or one, the sun will break through and santa cruz becomes all glorious. tonight, coming home from my friends place, santa cruz was cloudy, but the road was clear. as i came into scotts valley, the fog was thick and closer to the ground. all along the highway were lamposts creating these brilliant triangles of fog infused light. you couldnt tell that they were even lamposts, they just looked likes lights coming out of nowhere, unattached to anything, suspended from nothing. and it was this beauitful moment- somewhere in it was a metaphor about the night and fog and the road and a source of mysterious light guiding me home.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
small talk
i am sort of beginning to realize that small talk can be really draining. i am a pretty extroverted person (and have always been) but i think i am beginning to get a little more introverted as time goes by. and i am realizing that putting out the effort to make small talk is getting a bit more difficult as i go more intro.
i was in trader joes today and had the realization that i always feel really awkward when i interact with the checkers there. they seem like really cool people, many of them have tattoos and piercings and funky hair and i always think to myself, i would like to talk to/hang out/become friends with these people. but i am not sure how exactly to do that and when i try to make small talk, i just feel really dumb. like, just, i don't know, like i am trying too hard? not that those people are rude, at all!! but more like, i am trying to be casual, you know cool- breezy (i'm breezy!) and then... awkward silence...! and i suck with silence, i can't take it.
today i finally asked this checker, named moses, if it was hard to make small talk with people all day. he laughed and said yes, but that some people dont talk back really and sometimes there is all kinds of awkward silence with the customers and then they just leave. he said he just gets used to the silence.
moses wants to be a photographer and has a showing at a new brewery in town, which is very interesting to me and he was very excited to tell me about it. it was cool to have that 2.5 minute conversation and watch someone doing their mundane check out job and then see them just light up when talking about what they are passionate about. i love that.
i was in trader joes today and had the realization that i always feel really awkward when i interact with the checkers there. they seem like really cool people, many of them have tattoos and piercings and funky hair and i always think to myself, i would like to talk to/hang out/become friends with these people. but i am not sure how exactly to do that and when i try to make small talk, i just feel really dumb. like, just, i don't know, like i am trying too hard? not that those people are rude, at all!! but more like, i am trying to be casual, you know cool- breezy (i'm breezy!) and then... awkward silence...! and i suck with silence, i can't take it.
today i finally asked this checker, named moses, if it was hard to make small talk with people all day. he laughed and said yes, but that some people dont talk back really and sometimes there is all kinds of awkward silence with the customers and then they just leave. he said he just gets used to the silence.
moses wants to be a photographer and has a showing at a new brewery in town, which is very interesting to me and he was very excited to tell me about it. it was cool to have that 2.5 minute conversation and watch someone doing their mundane check out job and then see them just light up when talking about what they are passionate about. i love that.
Monday, June 19, 2006
loving people is not efficient
yesterday, a man visiting vintage said to me that if the church was really living out its call, that it would not settle right with most people, because it would be so radically different than what most of the world looks like. he goes to different churches in the area to see what they are doing and then has a website that is a resource for people looking for a church to be part of. most churches, he says, are hidden away in suburban areas and rarely put themselves in a place to be confronted with the ills of whats actually happening in the world. as we talked, he looked me square in the face and just said that jesus angered most of the leaders around him by doing what he did. and that if a church today was living the way he did, it would cause some serious reaction in those around them.
then dan, in the message he gave yesterday, recounted in the book of john how jesus basically told the religious leaders to their face that they did not know God.
then, i was listening to one of derek webb's live albums today and he was talking about the danger of following Jesus and how those of us who try to make this endeavor our lifes work are not in for a life that will not offend people- that living for jesus will get us into trouble and will not be easy. i love it, because he wasn't saying that we should be jerks about our faith, but that when we present the gospel and live out the gospel, it should not feel cozy and nice all the time. and it should not make everyone happy. and then he goes on to say that loving people is not efficient.
and I am just utterly intrigued, because it feels like in some strange way, these words are shades of my new color.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
leaving
today, i spent time with my dear friend maxwell. we waited in line for what seemed like hours to get some yummy picnic food. it was clear and perfect in santa cruz and we found our way out to lighthouse field, to sun and wind and we set up our little picnic. we kept talking about how he leaves tomorrow for a road trip across the country which will end up in ohio, where he will stay for good. and its weird. because i am used to just being able to call him and just go hang out, do whatever, chill. and how is that not happening anymore? i dont like leaving , when i have to do it or when other people do it to me. but then, i do love travel and adventure and change. and leaving is part of that.
and i wonder when will it be me leaving all this?
that is scary... lets not talk about it, ok?
and i wonder when will it be me leaving all this?
that is scary... lets not talk about it, ok?
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
the messy of ministry
yep, it certainly is messy.
for the 6 years i have been following Jesus, i have been in full time ministry for almost 3. its been pretty wild, considering the ministry has been a church plant. a church plant that moved to a new building at age 2. a church plant with a lot of people and a lot of ambitions. and a lot of expectations, as our dear danny's books have cause us to be under the microscope of many who want to know what we do and how we do it and a few who don't like what we do at all.
i dont know if i am at the point where i can make a lot of poignant observations about ministry-- i dont think i am in a place to disperse all kinds of wisdom about how its done or how it should look, because i am coming to the place of realizing that it is just really really messy. and all the systems and structures and strategies are great to give us a framework and move things forward. but living in those things, the systems.... its not really real. i think sometimes i want to live by the structures and what they impose, rather than in the heart of what they are meant to help and move along. maybe i am not making sense, but i just honestly feel like somewhere in the last 3 years, i have missed the point. or a few points. sometimes i am on, sometimes off. some days i LOVE WHAT I DO, are you JOKING?! its the best job in the world. other days, i want to be as far from anything "church" as possible.
lately, its definitely been tough. i think after we moved buildings, we lost a bit of our fire. like, all the effort to get this thing over to a new place has sapped us. not only is it a move into a new place, but we got new roomies and are learning how they live with them and maybe one day join as one big family in the same house. we shall see. in the process of moving and learning about the new roomies and unpacking our rooms and trying to figure out how to live here, i think we got blurry eyed about the community. how do you actually care for a whole community of dynamic, complex individuals, with all their needs and struggles? maybe not care for them, like the staff has to counsel every individual, but making sure that we are encouraging and equipping the community to actually care for itself, to function as a united healthy body. whats the balance between the gathering and helping it to be dynamic and quality and invigorated with that something to help people experience God more deeply ... and.... investing in the training and care and growth of people who come to that gathering and who meet during the week as the church? are we even making an impact on people outside of the church community?
i dont have any answers.
i think my lack of answers/peace about having no answers, coupled with complete exhaustion and the vague/pressing feeling of panic about my future (what am i DOING with my life?!?) has lead me to a point of near burn out. by God's grace, i get to travel to Europe this summer and do one of my most favorite things (adventure!), which i am hoping and eagerly expecting will change my perspective and outlook, so that i might have some sense of what to do when i return. perhaps it will be a new me who comes home?
today, at our staff meeting, i got a taste of a new perspective. instead of jumping in to church "business" as we sometimes do, we spent some good time praying for each other and for the community. then, we opened up the scriptures (mark) to the story of jesus healing the deaf and mute man by putting his fingers in the mans ears and touching his own spit to the mans tongue and declaring "be opened"-and when the crowds found out about this, they went crazy and told everyone. i am sure i had heard/read this sometime before, but i got a new view of it today. just of jesus' fingers in your ears and his spit on your tongue and his voice saying "BE OPENED"... something in that, its so visceral and real- (jesus! a person with fingers, spit and a voice!) i don't know. i just loved it. we discussed it, had a mini little bible study about it. lots of good things were said, observations made and conclusions taken away. josh made the point that sometimes in ministry, we get to see stuff like this... people being healed/changed so completely after an encounter with Jesus and/or his church and it being made known to everyone to celebrate and marvel at. and sometimes, its not so obvious- sometimes, little things happen that never go noticed, but that are equally as amazing and should be just as celebrated.
so we spent the next 30 minutes or so talking about the big things and little things of our ministries: ministry teams getting new members that where much needed, the youth group experiencing amazing times of worship and connection and having plenty of capable and excited leaders, people in the gathering truly experiencing God's spirit and being compelled to be involved and want to be part of the church, a group of musicians who had walked away from the faith beginning to meet with one of the pastors for bible study... just amazing things that happen each week that we forget to tell each other and forget to really celebrate. after those quick 30 minutes of sharing stories, we prayed and it just became so clear: we need to REALLY CELEBRATE whats been going on, even the smallest things. we must be diligent to allow ourselves to bask in the wonder of what God is doing in this community, we must recognize that these stories are why we do what we do!! i am an encourager, its definitely up there on my list of gifts, but i realized i had been so bogged down with the messiness of ministry, that i had been forgetting to encourage by story telling, had forgotten to look for the happy moments in all the mess. because if we cant celebrate those things, why are we doing this at all?
its not slowing down. its not getting easier. no amount of structuring and systematic planning will ever make ministry perfect. seasons will change, some are less intense, some more. but the goal is still there. the God at the center of it all is still the same and will always be. i want to keep my eyes on that, not the mess.
for the 6 years i have been following Jesus, i have been in full time ministry for almost 3. its been pretty wild, considering the ministry has been a church plant. a church plant that moved to a new building at age 2. a church plant with a lot of people and a lot of ambitions. and a lot of expectations, as our dear danny's books have cause us to be under the microscope of many who want to know what we do and how we do it and a few who don't like what we do at all.
i dont know if i am at the point where i can make a lot of poignant observations about ministry-- i dont think i am in a place to disperse all kinds of wisdom about how its done or how it should look, because i am coming to the place of realizing that it is just really really messy. and all the systems and structures and strategies are great to give us a framework and move things forward. but living in those things, the systems.... its not really real. i think sometimes i want to live by the structures and what they impose, rather than in the heart of what they are meant to help and move along. maybe i am not making sense, but i just honestly feel like somewhere in the last 3 years, i have missed the point. or a few points. sometimes i am on, sometimes off. some days i LOVE WHAT I DO, are you JOKING?! its the best job in the world. other days, i want to be as far from anything "church" as possible.
lately, its definitely been tough. i think after we moved buildings, we lost a bit of our fire. like, all the effort to get this thing over to a new place has sapped us. not only is it a move into a new place, but we got new roomies and are learning how they live with them and maybe one day join as one big family in the same house. we shall see. in the process of moving and learning about the new roomies and unpacking our rooms and trying to figure out how to live here, i think we got blurry eyed about the community. how do you actually care for a whole community of dynamic, complex individuals, with all their needs and struggles? maybe not care for them, like the staff has to counsel every individual, but making sure that we are encouraging and equipping the community to actually care for itself, to function as a united healthy body. whats the balance between the gathering and helping it to be dynamic and quality and invigorated with that something to help people experience God more deeply ... and.... investing in the training and care and growth of people who come to that gathering and who meet during the week as the church? are we even making an impact on people outside of the church community?
i dont have any answers.
i think my lack of answers/peace about having no answers, coupled with complete exhaustion and the vague/pressing feeling of panic about my future (what am i DOING with my life?!?) has lead me to a point of near burn out. by God's grace, i get to travel to Europe this summer and do one of my most favorite things (adventure!), which i am hoping and eagerly expecting will change my perspective and outlook, so that i might have some sense of what to do when i return. perhaps it will be a new me who comes home?
today, at our staff meeting, i got a taste of a new perspective. instead of jumping in to church "business" as we sometimes do, we spent some good time praying for each other and for the community. then, we opened up the scriptures (mark) to the story of jesus healing the deaf and mute man by putting his fingers in the mans ears and touching his own spit to the mans tongue and declaring "be opened"-and when the crowds found out about this, they went crazy and told everyone. i am sure i had heard/read this sometime before, but i got a new view of it today. just of jesus' fingers in your ears and his spit on your tongue and his voice saying "BE OPENED"... something in that, its so visceral and real- (jesus! a person with fingers, spit and a voice!) i don't know. i just loved it. we discussed it, had a mini little bible study about it. lots of good things were said, observations made and conclusions taken away. josh made the point that sometimes in ministry, we get to see stuff like this... people being healed/changed so completely after an encounter with Jesus and/or his church and it being made known to everyone to celebrate and marvel at. and sometimes, its not so obvious- sometimes, little things happen that never go noticed, but that are equally as amazing and should be just as celebrated.
so we spent the next 30 minutes or so talking about the big things and little things of our ministries: ministry teams getting new members that where much needed, the youth group experiencing amazing times of worship and connection and having plenty of capable and excited leaders, people in the gathering truly experiencing God's spirit and being compelled to be involved and want to be part of the church, a group of musicians who had walked away from the faith beginning to meet with one of the pastors for bible study... just amazing things that happen each week that we forget to tell each other and forget to really celebrate. after those quick 30 minutes of sharing stories, we prayed and it just became so clear: we need to REALLY CELEBRATE whats been going on, even the smallest things. we must be diligent to allow ourselves to bask in the wonder of what God is doing in this community, we must recognize that these stories are why we do what we do!! i am an encourager, its definitely up there on my list of gifts, but i realized i had been so bogged down with the messiness of ministry, that i had been forgetting to encourage by story telling, had forgotten to look for the happy moments in all the mess. because if we cant celebrate those things, why are we doing this at all?
its not slowing down. its not getting easier. no amount of structuring and systematic planning will ever make ministry perfect. seasons will change, some are less intense, some more. but the goal is still there. the God at the center of it all is still the same and will always be. i want to keep my eyes on that, not the mess.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
