children of men

on christmas night, i went to see "children of men" with a bunch of boys (sorry, i mean "men" :) ) in san jose. it was the first time in i cant remember how long that i spent time with friends instead of family on christmas night. being a product of a two family system, usually i have two christmas', but my mom is in ohio this year, so we only had one. so i got the chance to join some of the san jose men for what seemed to be a yearly tradition they have of seeing a movie on christmas night. we ventured to the ultra hip CineArts theatre on santana row and sat in a sold out audience to take in what has to be one of my favorite movies of the year.

not many people have heard of this film, which is a shame, because its elegant and jarring, epic and subtle, and all those other great reviewer words that will get attached to it eventually. the premise is that in 2027, the world has crumbled into chaos because humans have become infertile - the youngest person on earth, at 18, has just died, causing worldwide mourning. the last "civil" country is the UK and they have become a police state, deporting or detaining all illegal immigrants into refugee camps and closely monitoring the population through survelliance cameras and and an oppressive military presence. we dont know why humans have become infertile, nor the details of what the rest of the world even looks like or how exactly it has deteriorated. mostly what we know is that things are not good- so not good that they cage people at train terminals, force fertility tests and sell home-suicide kits like claritin.

the main character, theo (clive owen, who i have decided is an incredibly striking and engaging actor, and well, pretty darn hot) is a depressed government worker sullenly drinking himself to death to dull the reality of what the world has become. but he must awaken himself from the numb when his ex-wife, julian, enlists him to help transport an illegal immigrant to the coast. julian and theo used to be activists when they were together, but theo seems to have defected and detached from everything he used to be when their son was killed in the flu pandemic that struck just before the infertility. it seems that in getting theo to help her, julian is able to uncover the part of theo that used to be passionate about something-- and that part slowly becomes inflamed once julian is murdered and his mission to bring the immigrant to the coast becomes illuminated- we find out that this immigrant is in fact pregnant with the first baby to be conceived in almost 20 years.

the movie becomes their mission to get this pregnant girl to saftey. and slowly, in all the madness and in all the violence and all the chaos, this one life becomes the single hope for the rest of the world.

yes, yes, the parallels to christmas/mary/jesus are obvious once you start looking for them - but the brilliance of this film is that they dont hit you over the head with it at all. once the concept is fully realized, you are so moved by the subtly in which its been presented and by the freshness of seeing it in a new context, that you cant help but be changed.

this movie does something to you-- the setting and imagery is so familiar and the imminent threat of a world becoming this chaotic is so believable-- that the movie gives this insane sense of urgency. urgency that we need to live as we were created to live--well, more specifically to seek out the thing that created us to live and to pursue it with everything we have, at any cost.

despite the urgency i feel, i am still left feeling somewhat inadequate in my current state. does everyone wonder if they are doing enough?

see that movie.

cinque terra.... epic aloneness

this is one of the most gorgeous places on the face of the planet. i spent a day and night here alone, sort of. it was glorious.

MONTEROSSO



this was the view from a rock i sat on for about an hour and journaled from. i spent a lot of time that day writing and thinking and listening and observing. i like to watch people, scenes unfold. i have trouble, though, letting my own life unfold. cinque terra taught me a bit about slowing.



this is the other view from the journaling rock. i like when landscapes are half covered in shade. its calming for some reason. there were a lot of boats sort of lazing about in this tiny bay. no one was ever rushing.



this is the biggest beach in montessoro... you had to pay 15 euro to lay on one of these lounge chairs. being the bargain hunter i am, i took a towel from my hotel room that barely stretched past my knees and went to one of the "free" tiny beaches on the other side of this beach. lots of men in speedos, lots of women in barely anything. a truly european experience.



these are my legs and feet. i spent a lot of time being worried about my legs being too white compared to all the crazy beautiful italians. this day, i was ok with them.



this is a wonderful couple from america who i shared a room with. we each seperately all thinking we would pop into monterosso that day without a room booking and then met at this random "b and b" which turned out to be some guys random apartment, which ended up being a dead end in trying to find lodging. after a dozen calls trying to find any available rooms in the tiny city, we realized getting a triple was our only solution. though on their honeymoon, the couple were happy to let me crash with them. we had a great discussion over dinner that night and i ended up giving them my copy of "velvet elvis" after a cool discussion we all had about faith.



the streets of monterosso by night.



the bay of monterosso by night.

VERNAZZA



after my day alone/night with the honeymooners, marissa and mikey met me at the train station. they missed the first train into town, which led me to believe they would never make it and i would be stranded there in that tiny town and lose them for the rest of the trip. luckily, one hour later, they made it :) we spent the day in the sun (mikey hiding in the shade of other peoples umbrella's) then trekked from monterosso to vernazza in the rain.



vernazza is tiny, picturesque and addicting. we never wanted to leave it.



view from the wharf where we sat, eating fruit from the market, wishing we could spend always here.

late nights and the shopping vortex

its 2am. i have been sick for 2 weeks and in a vicious cycle of sleeping for 12 hours, going to work late, getting a minimal amount of work done, going home exhausted, watching "alias" (which is like crack cocaine for the tv-minded, i swear, i watched 3 episodes tonight and i cant seem to get enough), hacking up sweet loogies all over the place (the streets of santa cruz beware!), staying up late cause im not tired and then doing it all again. plus its christmas time and i am trying to be creative and thoughtful with gifts, but lose motivation when i realize i have 5 days to get anything done and no energy in which to do them. its also freeeeeezing, frickin freezing out... coldest its been in 30 years.

being after 2am and wide awake, i now find myself up with all sorts of energy and creativity, but no motivation in which to channel it. what happens to us late at night that makes everything so alive?? once you hit a threshold of lateness, you are sort of in a zone- you just sort of get sucked in to whatever will hold your attention and though you know, you KNOW you need to sleep cause tomorrow will suck if you don't, nothing in the world seems less appealing than going to sleep. but what to do, what to do?

tonight, i chose to blog, though i dont even really have a point to this blog. usually i do. or try to at least. this one is sort of stream of consciousness. though i know that i could write this in my journal or in word and save it as "12.20.06 random late night thoughts"... to blog feels better. maybe for me, its that connection to the outside world, the thought that i am putting my very own thoughts out onto this crazy invisible connection shared by millions around the world and perhaps because its put out there, it will matter.

earlier tonight, i spent about 2 hours in target with my sister and roommate. being the geniuses we are, we drove out to target in holiday traffic (making a 15 min trip take an hour). at one point, after 30 min in traffic, i made my roommate get out of the car at a red light to grab my bag with my phone in it from the trunk. she jumped out, grabbed the bag and the minute she got back in swore and realized she had the wrong bag. so i jumped out, grabbed the other bag and just as i got back in the light turned green and i swore, we laughed, and i started the car as fast as i could.

before target, we went to get food at albertsons next to target, wasting a solid 15 min waiting for our deli clerk to make one stinking veggie sandwich. we all stood there in disbelief as she made the sandwich, chopping each ingredient, placing it all together... somehow, it seemed like time stood still, like there was no time anymore, just us, staring at the deli counter, analyzing the various lunch items, wondering if we would ever get out of there.

we then entered the shopping vortex of target. why i love target is a many faceted explanation-- an explanation of which i will tell you about if you ever go to target with me. as i try on cute sweaters in the dressing room, i will tell you i love target cause of how soft the fabric of the sweater is and its only 2o bucks. while i roam through the aisle dedicated to home fragrances and airsprays, i will tell you i love target because of its wide selection of options for home fragrance. as i peruse the bedding section, i will tell you i love target for its clean white jersey knit sheet set that is also only 20 bucks. when i find a sweet smelling candle with a funky design on the outside, i will tell you i love target for its up-to-the-minute design sensibility and reasonable pricing. as my sister and i spend 20 min looking at make-up, giggling like maniacs and talking to each other in silly voices, me with a shopping cart loaded to the brim trying to find the right eyeliner, my sister wearing the pink robe she plans on buying and telling me why i should buy blue eyeliner, i will tell you i love target because of its vast variety of products which allow funny moments between sisters to occur that are completely unplanned and totally necessary.


much earlier today, the staff went out to a surprise lunch together where we were treated to kianti's and everyone on staff got a pair of converse (my fav shoes ever). we all ate yummy pasta and shared our favorite christmas memories and traditions. at one point, i texted a friend who lived nearby and told him to bring a camera so we could remember this fun event, jokingly telling him not to ask any questions. by accident, i texted his son instead and though confused, his son left work, came all the way down to the restaraunt and was ready for whatever we needed. he had the sweetest most confused look on his face and i just loved him for it.


though i dont buy the myth/expectation that the christmas/holidays are supposed to hold all sorts of heartwarming memories, little moments like these make me want to reconsider. they arent your classic holiday memories, but they are funny everyday moments that you just treasure.


crap, it seems like i can make some sense of my writing, even this late at night.

unseen world

i drove home again late tonight. i get frustrated sometimes because i feel like driving home is so monotonous... the same scenery, the same lights, same everything. makes me restless.

tonight, the fog and rain created these insane clouds in the distance behind the normal mountains that surround where i live. mixed with the low-lying fog, it felt like another place. the mountains higher and more dramatic, dark....the fog placed low, creating new foreground... unknown. it felt like another world.

i forget there is so much more going on than i can see.

florence, italy

its time i told you what happened... that month in august when i got to taste the world again. these pictures have sat categorized in folders on my computer and on my flickr. its time they told some stories to you.

we began in switzerland (after a stop in london), but those arent uploaded, so you will have to go out of order....

FLORENCE- first stop in italy



we discovered this empty place in the center of town somewhere. looking down, we attempted artsyness. we were pretty proud of ourselves.



some more artsyness. they were both yelling at me for trying too hard.




this church, in the center of florence, was so big, so overwhelming, we could not seem to fit it into the frame of one shot. it was extremely intricate, the colors so unusual for a church. no one seemed to spend much time inside of it. the shadow it cast around it was refuge from the heat and its where most people in proximity to the church spent their time... in its shadow.



this is a close shot of some of the detail work on the church. its so strange, because you can't get very close to actually see much of the detail. the intense intricacy and craftmanship is evident from top to bottom of this massive structure... but you can't see it past a certain point.




this restaraunt was recommended by rick steve's, who marissa grew to hate as we went on, as we consulted him for EVERYTHING we did. he did suggest good gelato, which made us all happy. this night, in this restaraunt, me and mikey (the boy in the pic and my lovely step brother) got into an intense convo about religion. it was one of the most challenging conversations i had had in some time about my faith and it was good for me. i miss those challenges. notice the guy making the face in the background? more americans.



this pic brings back fond memories. there was a giant square in one part of town next to the uffizi gallery, which holds crazy famous art work, that has tons of restaraunts and people milling around. we wandered to this square one night after dinner and found them shooting a film or something. the main actor was really full of himself, smoking cigarettes and seeming pleased to have a crowd staring at him. he had friends in the crowd and the friends kept staring at marissa, the pretty dark haired girl in all my pics. we must have spent 70% of our time noticing guys staring at her.



we spent one evening at these bridges at the edge of the town center. i did not tweak this photo, it really is this beautiful.



i got really into taking pictures of feet on this part of the trip. perhaps the realization that we would be spending quite a lot of time on them for a better part of a month.



this was a sculpture at the edge of one of the bridges. i liked her feet.



here is her silhouette.

the vulnerability of a leader

i have been having lots of conversation about leadership in the last few days-what are the basic fundamentals (is that too scary a word to use?) that make up a good leader? is it possible to actually sum up in a list what these basics are? as i have served in a variety of leadership settings- a local church, high school asb, college housing and student activities- i have met so many different types of leaders and seen so many different strengths that make them good. what i think makes up the best leaders, though, is the ones who are able to admit, embrace and share their weaknesses.

weakness #1:

maybe its just me as a leader, but being in a position to meet and talk with a lot of people and to even be able to learn about where they are in life (which inevitably leads to learning about where they hurt and what needs fixing), i have to battle against what some have coined "the messiah complex"... which i have found to be a common ailment among many leaders. maybe its not just leaders who suffer with it, but it seems it is definitely something they are prone to. the messiah complex (or the MC, not to be confused with the OC) leads one to believe that they can be the ever important factor that leads to anothers life being made whole again. commonly, the one who suffers from the MC does not believe they are in fact Jesus, but somehow, if they say all the right words, or act the right way, give the right resources, or just add that "right" element into the life of the one suffering, then, THEN that person will be healed, be whole again. Some have actually termed this behavior as being "codependent", but thats the pop psychology understanding of codependence. when you look at the actual psychological definition of codependeny, its not trying to fix people- it has to do with enabling their addictive behaviors. i digress.

to be candid, i am so guilty of having the messiah complex, its embarrasing to admit. its a dangerous thing, this complex, because when you allow it to seep in, you can actually convince yourself that you hold the key to fixing people and their situations. and the more people you know, the more people you talk to, the more sorrow you encounter and the more pain you come in contact with, you quickly become overwhelmed and despondent-- because the reality is, you yourself can't fix any of it, you, the mighty leader, cannot even come close. and so you want to give up.

i find myself often coming to the point of wanting to give up because of this complex and then i have to have wise people remind me that leadership is not to be done on my own strength, that i am not, in fact, Jesus. this seems too obvious, right? how can a normal human being assume the power of the one through whom all things were made? i think, though, that the delusion is a subtle one. as i said, no one with the MC actually thinks they are Jesus, just like no one who is prideful actually thinks they are God (this is assuming that when we are prideful, we are saying we want to be in charge of our lives, not God). perhaps the one who suffers with the MC takes those encouragements for us as believers to "be Jesus" to the world around us to an extreme, but with the best intentions.

6 weeks or so ago, i was going through an incredibly emotional day, being challenged and stripped of my pride, facing hard realities and feeling the weight of some of my own issues of brokeness. that same night, i had to go lead a group of leaders. though broken and sapped of my own strength, i was reminded that perhaps this was the best state in which to lead. there were no pretentions in me, there was no room for me to assume the place of "messiah" because i could barely keep my own little life together. upon arriving at the meeting, i found myself able to just listen, not to offer all my own solutions. i just let people talk, i tried to remain a part of things, not the answer to things. as we began "check in," i shared where i was and came clean about my vulnerable state. as we went around, the night evolved into an incredible time of our leaders sharing their own struggles, not simply the surface struggles, but real issues we would not have shared with just anyone. it was only the 2nd or 3rd time we had met, but the levels of intimacy we encountered that night have allowed a healthy beginning to our ministry- one that this MC-prone leader could have never dreamed up.

their were no "answers" to the issues we all laid on the table that night... there was just sense of relief and comfort in the simple act of saying those things out loud, with receiving ears hearing, and then release in all of us praying to the real Messiah and offering up our unknowns to him. i did not need to be the "strong one" who offered the right words. i did not need to have the right answers to the questions. i did not even need to say very much at all, save to be honest about my own weakness.

i know its kind of obvious and perhaps lame...

...but there is something comforting about the blog community. i just checked my comments from my last post and then started clicking on the links of the people who commented and found out that i am listed under some of your "blog friend" lists... and it made me feel special. its like, no matter where i go or what i am doing, i have this little set of friends who read my blog and who list me as part of their blog world. i think i am somewhat of a narcissistic blogger, cause i really only blog to emote and then dont actively participate in other peoples blogs. how selfish. so i am going to attempt to enter the blog world and be an active member.

i will also be attempting to write a lot more on this thing, as its good for me. i have been thinking a lot about writing and not just that, but am actually feeling pressured/encouraged to write... people encouraging me to write, people who want to write with me, people who want me to see how writing fits into my future. its all very flattering, but also unnerving. what is it i am to write on?

alone... on purpose

i did it.

i spent the last 36 hours by myself. for your introverts, you are not impressed. for you extro's... be proud of me, cause i finally did it. i have been wanting a "personal" weekend for so long... the only other time i have done it was in italy this past summer, which was of course incredible, but also, i mean it was italy... you can do anything there.

no, this time, it was different. a bigger challenge (especially in the winter weather and in the midst of regular life), taking time away to be alone, to think, to be with my thoughts, was a feat i didnt know i could accomplish-- but i did do it and i am glad.

i feel more exhausted than i have in a LONG time and thats saying a lot, since i have recently been pretty tired in the new job/new relationship/general wear and tear of life. but this is the best kind of exhausted.

some of the observations of a day and a half alone:

my thoughts are consuming, my brain on hyperdrive so much of the time, that its like this dog gnawing a bone where the meat and flavor is all gone, but it still gnaws. time alone is exhausting, cause no one is there to stop you from gnawing.

time alone does not equal instant spiritual enlightenment, per say.... it does give you nice insights into things, good observations, time to let thoughts unfold. but its way more normal and mundane than i expected, which is a relief. i didnt know if i was capable of sustaining instant spiritual enlightment.

i LOVE being in new places, exploring new towns and new streets. its enlivening to me, i dont know if i can explain it. but i do love it so much and i got to do it a lot this weekend. walking around downtown palo alto, i felt very carrie in sex and the city. like any conversation could become a new way to see something, like possibility was everywhere, like i was capable and able and (gasp!) very comfortable on my own. there's kristin, alone, eating a yummy sandwich at pluto's. ah, there she is again, walking down the street in the rain, soaking in the atmosphere, the wind, the wet converse, the people, leaves fall, laughter. here we find her browsing borders, reading interesting things by intellectual and pop culuturally saavy people. ah, look at her sipping tea, reading her book, laughing, rubbing cold socks on cold feet, wishing for a heater. (ah, is self observation and narration narcissistic or cute?)

driving all these new places, i got lost a lot... and it made me laugh. God, in his little way, was teaching me the whole-God is in control, knows the directions, is in charge, its ok to be lost and find your way again-thing.

going to dinner alone... not as terrifying as you would think. its, well, enjoyable. you pick up on things from people, situations, much more easily. you soak things up. you worry less about silence. people looked at me with sympathy, but i just smiled, assured in eating my pasta and bread and coke on my own.

going to a movie alone... also not so bad. great, even. especially when the movie makes you think and ponder writing, life, meaning, death, fate, control. and you leave feeling empowered and stronger simply because you did something normal, totally alone.

accepting the laziness

i am a doer. i try to fix things. i try to remain active. i try to be in constant motion. stillness feels impossible.

the last couple days, with the excuse of thanksgiving, have been incredibly lazy. to have been so motionless feels strange, but sort of intoxicating, too. not in the intoxicating where you love it and want more and are lost inside yourself in a good way. but intoxicating, like, i cant seem to snap out of it. like, i will talk myself into doing things, but what i really feel like is just laying on the couch and watching "sex and the city" (tbs edited, of course).

what i am learning more about is planned stillness. i think if i accept that i will have a still, slow day... then i am ok. but if i have even the slightest expectation of activity, or interaction or even productivity, and then i dont do anything, i hate myself for being so lazy. which is silly, everyone needs lazy times. but i think in this place i have always been, in this world with so many friends and people to distract and things to do, in the familiarity of all of it... i just expect so much.

i am also realizing that those lazy times, good or bad, feel like escape. complication, overthinking, stress, unknown, all of it... they make me want to just escape.... to find something to focus my mind on which is not so overwhelming. so i find little things, fixed periods of time, where i can just not think.

i talked with some girls the other night about alcoholism and what an escape addiction is. how over-indulging in drinking, drugs, sex, food, work-- can become escapes when we cant cope with trauma or even just cope with life. i think as i enter into this real adult world, and as i grow and experience adult pain and adult decisions (because whether i like it or not, i am an adult), i am beginning to understand so much more about the escape plans. like, i could rationalize them before, i understood logically why they were there and why people planned them and took them... but the motivation, the raw emotion of it, the clawing desperation to be away from whatever is causing the need for escape... i am just getting to touch on. feeling the corners of it. peer over the edge.

whats the balance between laziness and escapism? to be sure, no one can remain "on" all the time. but i dont want to get lost in the escape either... as always, the need to understand balance remains. but i done dwelling on that for now, carrie bradshaw calls....

adventure

in every epic adventure movie or story, you always have these elements that pop up to signify the epicness of whats going on. i place myself as protagonist, i imagine my life a movie.

i see...

the foreshadowing comments made by characters during the "normal life" sequence in the beginning... the little things that later turn out to mean so much.

the mysterious mentor/gandalf-type person, who knows way more than you and who has an idea of where you might be headed, but wont tell you. instead, they just ask questions that make you think and probe you so that you will realize things about yourself that you were afraid to uncover on your own.

the random wanderer you run into on the road who is maybe heading the same direction, who has experienced the same things, who has some of the same ways about them, but has perhaps also been a little further down the road and can encourage you, challenge you, tempt you to open your eyes and dream.

friends who come around, similarly unaware of a bigger story, laughing, playing, being by your side... potentially joining you for the journey ahead, maybe getting ready to say goodbye?

moments of doubt, indecision, fear... paralyzing unknown.

a narrator only the audience can hear, a soundtrack that plays and moves you.

a great love.

the great love.


.... i can't ignore the epic overtones anymore.

god's heart to be loved

i am discovering something i already knew. God longs to be loved by me. i think i spend, most people spend, so much time wanting to be loved. its what we are geared toward (especially many women)-- the pursuit of a love that would last us a lifetime. for all my early feminist inclinations and all my pop psychological understanding of relationships and all my "lessons learned" in the dating experience, i still long for a love, that idyllic love, who would stand by my side, would fight for me, would long for me, would be with me through everything, would love me in a way that would keep me going.

but if its true, if God longs to be loved by me in the way i long to be loved by whoever i end up with, how much deeper are his longings for me than mine are for an earthly love? how much longer, how much wider, how much deeper? i cant seem to get my head around this-- God, in whom all things were created and in whom all things hold together -- wants ME to love HIM? why? does he need us the way we sometimes seem to need others? is his heart tugged at when we walk away, ignore, dismiss, set him aside? i guess so, if our faith is based on relationship-- that supernatural, mysterious "relationship" with him. if his people, when faithful, are his loving bride, then when unfaithful, are harlots-- then he must love us with some unfathomable love, bigger than any scorned lover or any happy husband here in this life.

and i dont understand that.

i think that God is allowing a connection between what my head had known, what my heart has been hinting at and what my soul longs to truly understand and experience.

slow down

for two days in a row, i was stuck in worse than normal traffic on the highway. today, as I sat there barely moving at all, i started noticing how different the highway looks when you are going slow on it. this part of the highway i was on literally never has traffic and usually moves so quickly that i never even notice what it looks like. i began to wonder if its like the highway itself is not ever even supposed to be seen at such slow speeds. you can see all the places where cars have wrecked into the sides, the marks ugly and scarring. and you notice the broken glass, too, the places where things have come completely apart. but you also see the other people around you better, notice the person in the red suv ahead put their hand on the door and then stretch it out a bit, absent-minded, bored. the other cars moving opposite you are seen more fully. the road signs and directions clearer.

a forced slow down.

intersections

i have been learning of late about repeating.

facing so many of the same mistakes i have made before, i am seeing repeating. all these same circumstances and fears haunt me because of their cursed familiarity. i was wisely reminded that we all will repeat our mistakes and that our set of "issues" does not change from 25 to 55. not to say healing and restoration is impossible. not to say we dont learn to deal with the issues we have and that we dont have times where we feel we have overcome them.

but our issues will always be the same. we are going to keep coming to these same intersections that look so familiar, wondering why we keep coming back to them. havent i learned? havent i worked through this? why do i keep coming back here? the familiarity becomes sickening, inbearable.

but just because the intersection is the same, doesnt mean that we arent learning or changing. maybe its the same intersection, but maybe, this time, the semi-truck isnt going to run us over. maybe, this time, we will wait at the red light. maybe, this time, we will slow at the yellow. maybe this time, we will get to go right through on green. maybe, this time, we will not freak out that we have come to the same intersection once again.

maybe, this time.

survival

i was driving to work today, listening to death cab's piano intro to "what sarah said" (which lends itself to lots of introspective thinking) and as i pulled in to stop at the light, i watched a homeless man walking along the side of the road towards the new shelter on river st. he threw up his arms as if startled and looked around. then he leaned his head back just so slightly and sighed. as i lost sight of his front, i focussed only his mismatched clothes and his posture leaning forward, going towards a nothing he wished was something.

when i was really young, i used to be deathly afraid of ending up homeless. i felt like it was just a few bad choices away, life on the street. like somehow if i didnt follow this exact right path, leaned my foot too far in one direction, wasnt paying attention to something big that would cause me to fall, that i would end up without anything or anyone. survival as an adult seemed so unstable, so uncertain. how did you end up comfortable, without fear of losing everything? of course survival is so much more complicated than that- our hearts are always causing complication even with the basic necessities being provided.

i started driving again and as i steadied my way up the hill towards mission st, i saw on the side of the road two heads bobbing along between the road and the fence- a homeless man and woman heading the same direction as the man before. there they were between a road full of cars on their way somewhere and a fence closing in a huge concrete company working steadily way. two people walking.

homesick

its funny because the last time i wrote on this blog, i was halfway around the world, seeing sights, experiencing a new culture, soaking up the travel life and i was just fine. and now here i sit one month after my return, on my couch, in my house, in my hometown and i am homesick.

i have this working theory that those of us who try to follow after jesus have a special awareness that we as humans are not ever really at home here on earth, in these lives, in these bodies, there situations. based on that one part in 1 peter where it says something about us being aliens, foregeiners in a strange land, i have formulated this idea that no matter how hard we try, we wont ever feel totally like we are home, that we will always be yearning for a place that we cant quite get to yet.

its so deceiving, because we can be satiated with so many things of this life... we get used to certain comforts, certain expected ways of being, certain certainties. but nothing ever remains really constant. and when they do for awhile, we are bored and complain of stagnancy. its like, deep down we are just uncomfortable with this place- our souls, our very beings know something is wrong- but we just keep trying to cover that up and move from one feeling of comfort to the next.

when we lose a comfort that we got used to, especially a big one, like a person we love, or a place we counted on, or a way of being in the world that was easy... it devastates us. reminds us of our transience. shakes out the false comfort and leaves us with the reality of our own human desitution. we are so poor on our own. even with money, even with a job, a car, people around. we are just left lacking in so many ways.

this following after jesus thing.... its so real. its easy to follow after him sometimes, when you can see the instant results of difficulty. usually thats how it works for me. something terrible happens- a loss, a hard conversation, a period of confusion- and i begin analyzing it, looking for reasons, trying to see patterns, make sense of it. so many times, i can see in part why it seems like things happen. and many times, its not like i reason it out shallowly- many times i conclude that the answer is that this adversity is supposed to make me more like my maker. that i am sharing in his suffering to some degree. that my character is being refined. which is all well and good in retrospect, right? but in the midst of it, you are mess. you FEEL IT. because your a human.

i am so homesick right now. and no amount of reasons can make that feeling go away.

italian thinking

i have been travelling europe for the past 13 days. i have seen a lot. i have thought a lot of bloggable thoughts. i am too tired and sunburned to recount them all, but here are a few about italy.

one. i love italy. not because its perfect, but because of all its little idiosyncracies and imperfections. the sheer insanity of the roads and driving. the dozens of near death experiences being inside and outside of a vehicle. the bad customer service in nice restaurants but the quaint hospitality of the street fruit vendors. the buildings and their inviting colors and artistic decay. the people, alternatively stylish and smug, and endearing and normal.

two: the gelateria on every corner. michael wanting gelato at every possible moment.

three: the sun and sky and clouds only slightly different from those in california, but still begging me to try to capture them with my camera.

four: ciao! as hello and goodbye

five: having pasta and pizza every night for dinner. yummy.

six: the history. the thousands of years of life and trauma and beauty and triumph this place has seen.

seven. the epicness of the coastline.... again looks slightly like ca coastline, but totally different. listening to *we live in a beautiful world* being sung out over the waters as we ride the ferry home from little positano.

eight: the little side streets in every city, every one of them looks as though a romantic moment is about to occur, or like an old woman will come out to sweep her steps and invite you in to have dinner or that a photograph is about to be taken to give that street eternal posterity.

nine: trains and windows and trees and perspectives and views. falling asleep to the ipod with the murmur of the train full of young italians on holiday laughing and joking. learning english from a nice teenage boy who felt bad for me trying to pronounce things correctly.

ten: cinque terra. every last detail of it.


thats all for now. more soon with pictures.

a wink

recently i lamented to a friend that in the midst of all my busy-ness with ministry, all i wanted was to be able to go to a coffeeshop and hang out and maybe engage with people about faith and life and have it just be natural thing. i am sitting in capitola on a brilliant day, in mr toots coffeeshop looking out onto the busy beach streets, tourists all the over, people just buzzing around happy to be in the sun and to be free. i am working on a talk i am giving next week and have my bible open. no one else, save for the coffeeshop workers, are in here on such a gorgeous day. as i am spacing out listening to "the fray" and lost in thought about the great commandement and great commission and how our stories are part of God's larger story, a man approaches me and asks if i am studying the bible. And i pull out my headphones and say, yes I am. He asks me if he can ask a question about Matthew (which is exactly the book i am studying in right now!) and i say sure. He asks about praying in public vs praying in private and how it says in matthew to go into a closet and pray alone, but how people pray in public over meals and asks why that is. i answer that i think it has to do with your heart- if you are praying in public to gain attention or show how spiritual you are, thats one thing- but if it is truly to give God thanks, than i think thats ok. i also said i dont think its a rule in the bible that you have to pray a certain way at all time... sometime prayer is totally private and sometimes its healthy to pray in groups as a way of connecting. he thanked me and said he just wondered about that and then walked away.

and i just smiled. God does this to me sometimes, just winks at me- i know what you need, kristin.

let me explain the best

yesterday was a pretty tough day. a lot of things are changing around me and try as i might, there is nothing i can do to control them. its times like this that are the best and the worst.

worst because most times big changes are painful and we cant see the reasons behind them. worst because in our limited view, the outcome seems to bring nothing but pain and heartache.

best because in this near-broken state, i am coming to understand what it means to pray without ceasing and what true comfort really is.

i went into the empty sanctuary yesterday and sat in one of those much contested pews. i told God outloud that i didnt understand what was happening and cried to him. it felt strange hearing my voice echo in the room... a room where thousands of prayers have been prayed, many in silence. i kept expecting someone to come inside and find me in this vulnerable state- but, i kept telling him what was going on and though he already knew it all, it felt right to just say it outloud. maybe to remind myself that he is listening. i needed comfort so badly- i wanted it from anywhere, a voice, a hug, the right words to tell me it would all be ok. for some reason God is the last one you go to for this, but the one who satisifies that need more completely than we know. i think the comfort he brings is not the instantaneous comfort of physical touch or audible words... its so much deeper, so more settling to the core. an under-gurded peace, one you need to keep reminding yourself is there- since in your human state you are always running around looking for the immediate.

best because in suffering, we can be united with all others who are suffering, somehow understanding each other through the pain and making us closer.

i had read in that same henri nouwen book (the way of the heart) two nights ago the concept that as "ministers of the word" (ie people in ministry) we are always dealing with people who are suffering and in pain. so many times, "what we (ministers) desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it....doing something to show our presence makes a difference." He goes on to say "And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer." yesterday, in facing a lot of change and pain and a strange sort of suffering, i thought of those words i had read. as the day progressed, i saw a woman in a wheelchair eating lunch with her husband. she had no legs past her knees. and my heart just hurt, thinking of what that must have been like for her to lose them. and then later, as we prayed down by the water, one of the benches near us had a name engraved on it, with the birth and death date only 5 years apart. and i thought of those parents who had lost their 5 year old and my heart hurt, thinking of what that must have been like for them to lose her. i thought again of nouwen's concept of entering into solidarity with those who suffer and as we sat praying by that bench, i understood something of the reality of that solidarity.

the infinite abyss

i had a divine appointment today. scheduled right from God, it seems. why he makes them so late sometimes, especially before an early sunday morning church gathering, is beyond me. but i am thankful he is in charge of my divine schedule and not me.

tonight, i got to talk with a dear friend for a couple hours--someone who i have always wanted to be closer to but never got a chance to really talk this way with-- parked in my car in front of her house. it was one of those convos where i felt like we could have talk forever and ever... it seemed like it could have just kept going. and the topics transitioned so easily into each other and kept revealing more and more and opening up all these new worlds and interesting things to explore. i would like to have seen a painting of our conversation, it would be stunning.

one subject we touched on was the idea of this abyss we all have inside of us. that there is this deep down loneliness, a black hole-like thing, that we all carry around. and we try to fill it with all sort of things-- sometimes petty things like better clothes, better technology, better belongings; sometimes bigger things that seem like they may actually fill it all the way up-- a better job, a better location, a better significant other. but the truth is that it never gets filled up, because its an abyss... an infinite abyss (garden state, anyone?)-- and those can't be filled. we talked about how at some points in our lives, we become more keenly aware of our abyss, and that sudden awareness of the abyss is often terrifying. usually the awareness comes when we slow down our lives from all the busy-ness and crazy schedules and people and things and do's. its like when we stop cluttering our lives and see them for what they are, this giant hole is revealed. and most times, we don't know what to do with it. henri nouwen talks about this in one of his books... how we need to recognize we have this abyss, that its present and does not go away and we need to learn how to navigate it. we cant let ourselves be consumed by it, but we cant ignore it either. we have to just learn to look at it, know its there and understand how not to fall in. thats a loose explanation of what he so eloquently said, but you get what i mean.


on another possibly related note, i have been watching the sky a lot more lately. every morning i drive down from scotts valley into santa cruz. usually scotts valley is gorgeous in the morning, all sunny and warm and everything is just radiant and hopeful. as i drive down into santa cruz, the skyline changes into a gray/brown/miserable foggy color, usually right at the ocean line. every morning this week, i would think to myself, "huh? i wonder which is going to win today, the fog or the sun?" because sometimes the fog sticks around all day and the sun can't seem to break through it. but somedays, usually by noon or one, the sun will break through and santa cruz becomes all glorious. tonight, coming home from my friends place, santa cruz was cloudy, but the road was clear. as i came into scotts valley, the fog was thick and closer to the ground. all along the highway were lamposts creating these brilliant triangles of fog infused light. you couldnt tell that they were even lamposts, they just looked likes lights coming out of nowhere, unattached to anything, suspended from nothing. and it was this beauitful moment- somewhere in it was a metaphor about the night and fog and the road and a source of mysterious light guiding me home.

small talk

i am sort of beginning to realize that small talk can be really draining. i am a pretty extroverted person (and have always been) but i think i am beginning to get a little more introverted as time goes by. and i am realizing that putting out the effort to make small talk is getting a bit more difficult as i go more intro.

i was in trader joes today and had the realization that i always feel really awkward when i interact with the checkers there. they seem like really cool people, many of them have tattoos and piercings and funky hair and i always think to myself, i would like to talk to/hang out/become friends with these people. but i am not sure how exactly to do that and when i try to make small talk, i just feel really dumb. like, just, i don't know, like i am trying too hard? not that those people are rude, at all!! but more like, i am trying to be casual, you know cool- breezy (i'm breezy!) and then... awkward silence...! and i suck with silence, i can't take it.

today i finally asked this checker, named moses, if it was hard to make small talk with people all day. he laughed and said yes, but that some people dont talk back really and sometimes there is all kinds of awkward silence with the customers and then they just leave. he said he just gets used to the silence.

moses wants to be a photographer and has a showing at a new brewery in town, which is very interesting to me and he was very excited to tell me about it. it was cool to have that 2.5 minute conversation and watch someone doing their mundane check out job and then see them just light up when talking about what they are passionate about. i love that.

loving people is not efficient

yesterday, a man visiting vintage said to me that if the church was really living out its call, that it would not settle right with most people, because it would be so radically different than what most of the world looks like. he goes to different churches in the area to see what they are doing and then has a website that is a resource for people looking for a church to be part of. most churches, he says, are hidden away in suburban areas and rarely put themselves in a place to be confronted with the ills of whats actually happening in the world. as we talked, he looked me square in the face and just said that jesus angered most of the leaders around him by doing what he did. and that if a church today was living the way he did, it would cause some serious reaction in those around them.

then dan, in the message he gave yesterday, recounted in the book of john how jesus basically told the religious leaders to their face that they did not know God.

then, i was listening to one of derek webb's live albums today and he was talking about the danger of following Jesus and how those of us who try to make this endeavor our lifes work are not in for a life that will not offend people- that living for jesus will get us into trouble and will not be easy. i love it, because he wasn't saying that we should be jerks about our faith, but that when we present the gospel and live out the gospel, it should not feel cozy and nice all the time. and it should not make everyone happy. and then he goes on to say that loving people is not efficient.

and I am just utterly intrigued, because it feels like in some strange way, these words are shades of my new color.

i feel like the inside of me is turning a different color

leaving

today, i spent time with my dear friend maxwell. we waited in line for what seemed like hours to get some yummy picnic food. it was clear and perfect in santa cruz and we found our way out to lighthouse field, to sun and wind and we set up our little picnic. we kept talking about how he leaves tomorrow for a road trip across the country which will end up in ohio, where he will stay for good. and its weird. because i am used to just being able to call him and just go hang out, do whatever, chill. and how is that not happening anymore? i dont like leaving , when i have to do it or when other people do it to me. but then, i do love travel and adventure and change. and leaving is part of that.

and i wonder when will it be me leaving all this?


that is scary... lets not talk about it, ok?

the messy of ministry

yep, it certainly is messy.

for the 6 years i have been following Jesus, i have been in full time ministry for almost 3. its been pretty wild, considering the ministry has been a church plant. a church plant that moved to a new building at age 2. a church plant with a lot of people and a lot of ambitions. and a lot of expectations, as our dear danny's books have cause us to be under the microscope of many who want to know what we do and how we do it and a few who don't like what we do at all.

i dont know if i am at the point where i can make a lot of poignant observations about ministry-- i dont think i am in a place to disperse all kinds of wisdom about how its done or how it should look, because i am coming to the place of realizing that it is just really really messy. and all the systems and structures and strategies are great to give us a framework and move things forward. but living in those things, the systems.... its not really real. i think sometimes i want to live by the structures and what they impose, rather than in the heart of what they are meant to help and move along. maybe i am not making sense, but i just honestly feel like somewhere in the last 3 years, i have missed the point. or a few points. sometimes i am on, sometimes off. some days i LOVE WHAT I DO, are you JOKING?! its the best job in the world. other days, i want to be as far from anything "church" as possible.

lately, its definitely been tough. i think after we moved buildings, we lost a bit of our fire. like, all the effort to get this thing over to a new place has sapped us. not only is it a move into a new place, but we got new roomies and are learning how they live with them and maybe one day join as one big family in the same house. we shall see. in the process of moving and learning about the new roomies and unpacking our rooms and trying to figure out how to live here, i think we got blurry eyed about the community. how do you actually care for a whole community of dynamic, complex individuals, with all their needs and struggles? maybe not care for them, like the staff has to counsel every individual, but making sure that we are encouraging and equipping the community to actually care for itself, to function as a united healthy body. whats the balance between the gathering and helping it to be dynamic and quality and invigorated with that something to help people experience God more deeply ... and.... investing in the training and care and growth of people who come to that gathering and who meet during the week as the church? are we even making an impact on people outside of the church community?

i dont have any answers.

i think my lack of answers/peace about having no answers, coupled with complete exhaustion and the vague/pressing feeling of panic about my future (what am i DOING with my life?!?) has lead me to a point of near burn out. by God's grace, i get to travel to Europe this summer and do one of my most favorite things (adventure!), which i am hoping and eagerly expecting will change my perspective and outlook, so that i might have some sense of what to do when i return. perhaps it will be a new me who comes home?

today, at our staff meeting, i got a taste of a new perspective. instead of jumping in to church "business" as we sometimes do, we spent some good time praying for each other and for the community. then, we opened up the scriptures (mark) to the story of jesus healing the deaf and mute man by putting his fingers in the mans ears and touching his own spit to the mans tongue and declaring "be opened"-and when the crowds found out about this, they went crazy and told everyone. i am sure i had heard/read this sometime before, but i got a new view of it today. just of jesus' fingers in your ears and his spit on your tongue and his voice saying "BE OPENED"... something in that, its so visceral and real- (jesus! a person with fingers, spit and a voice!) i don't know. i just loved it. we discussed it, had a mini little bible study about it. lots of good things were said, observations made and conclusions taken away. josh made the point that sometimes in ministry, we get to see stuff like this... people being healed/changed so completely after an encounter with Jesus and/or his church and it being made known to everyone to celebrate and marvel at. and sometimes, its not so obvious- sometimes, little things happen that never go noticed, but that are equally as amazing and should be just as celebrated.

so we spent the next 30 minutes or so talking about the big things and little things of our ministries: ministry teams getting new members that where much needed, the youth group experiencing amazing times of worship and connection and having plenty of capable and excited leaders, people in the gathering truly experiencing God's spirit and being compelled to be involved and want to be part of the church, a group of musicians who had walked away from the faith beginning to meet with one of the pastors for bible study... just amazing things that happen each week that we forget to tell each other and forget to really celebrate. after those quick 30 minutes of sharing stories, we prayed and it just became so clear: we need to REALLY CELEBRATE whats been going on, even the smallest things. we must be diligent to allow ourselves to bask in the wonder of what God is doing in this community, we must recognize that these stories are why we do what we do!! i am an encourager, its definitely up there on my list of gifts, but i realized i had been so bogged down with the messiness of ministry, that i had been forgetting to encourage by story telling, had forgotten to look for the happy moments in all the mess. because if we cant celebrate those things, why are we doing this at all?

its not slowing down. its not getting easier. no amount of structuring and systematic planning will ever make ministry perfect. seasons will change, some are less intense, some more. but the goal is still there. the God at the center of it all is still the same and will always be. i want to keep my eyes on that, not the mess.

this is beautiful

If I am alive this time next year, will I have arrived in time to share?
And mine is about as good this far.
And I'm still applied to what you are.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.
And I heard from the trees a great parade.
And I heard from the hills a band was made.
And will I be invited to the sound?
And will I be a part of what you've made?
And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.

in the middle...

a few nights ago I had an interesting conversation with a friend about stuff of the Bible. We talked about Genesis- how its original audience could not have grasped the concept of the earth as a sphere or even have had a fraction of the knowledge we have about the planet/universe/galaxy etc, and how the explanation of the world being formed being so simple kind of makes sense in light of that. Also, the weightiness and significance of the words “In the beginning…” We also talked about the fact that when you explain the actual basis of the Christian faith, it sort of sounds crazy: someone died and was raised from the dead and we get to talk to and relate to and be together with God forever because of that. A lot of stuff in the Bible is sort of nutty, if you think about it: people being raised from the dead, being taken up to heaven in a cloud, seas being parted, people being swallowed by whales. It’s actually a pretty wacky set of things to believe in, if you think about it. Not that I don’t want to believe, but I just think its interesting when you start to view it from a certain perspective.

So, yeah, thinking about these aspects of my faith, I sat there on the floor of my living room, leaning on the futon, sort of milling things over. I kneeled down and started talking to God about things- just praying for my friends and family and all the things going on in everyone’s lives: the good, the bad, the confusing, the beautiful. And then I sat up and looked across from me, to the empty place I imagined God to be. And I got sort of frustrated for a bit, thinking how I just wished I would have been able to lean over and touch God and have him talk to me, look at me, explain things to me. I wondered why He has chosen to not take physical form and stay in physical form, why would He not be manifested in some way that we could relate to him more easily. And I know, the standard answer to this is that He is EVERYWHERE, in His creation, in nature, in laughter, in a hug between friends, blah blah blah. But still, I just felt a bit cheated for a second. Like, God, why can’t I just touch you?

Then… I had this thought: some wise people from throughout my life have taught me that we can’t force the people we love to be the way WE think they should be: we need to let them be who they are… that to love is to accept others where they are and how they are. And I thought about the fact that I love God. I love Him for how He has always been to me, for who He is… and He has chosen to show himself to me the way that He has, however metaphysical and strange it may seem to people outside of it. How can I ask God to be the way I think He should be? I can’t impose my expectations on God, since I love Him and want to love Him how he is.

Granted, God is God and I am so small comparatively, that to think that I could impose expectations on Him is pretty ridiculous. But I like to think He will humor me in thinking these thoughts and exploring these possibilities.

I am glad to be where I am with Him.

wrestle

i am wrestling. with a lot. last monday, there was such a sense of peace and calm before a storm just blew through my life. i am such an optimist, i almost missed it. but it flattened me today, the remnants of the storm making me achey and unsettled.... and i dont want to make it sound like "the" storm, as if somehow its the only one that has happened in a while or that its isolated and singular in its effects and aftermath. but its one of the storms that happen and those storms are to be expected. i wish i had better vocabulary to describe what it did. sometimes i get sick of the set of words i use for things and wish i could use a whole other language to say how it feels. why is there such a deep deep desire to explain inside of me? i know that somewhere in me is a writer, a story teller, a conveyer of how it is.

i went to this country western bar/dance club thing on saturday night. i am sort of ashamed to admit it, actually. but it was fun and i wont deny that i enjoyed myself, especially when the band covered usher's "yeah" and the guitarist actually rapped. i was pretty much in heaven right then. but most of the night i stayed inside myself and just observed. just watched people and wondered about them. why were they here? what was their motivation? what was their story? i wanted to get inside their brains and just wander around and figure them out. and write about them. there was this much older man in a flannel shirt sort of just lurking at the edges of the dance floor. he looked lost, a bit too old to be there at all, his eyes set on something none of us could see. every now and then i would see him bring a girl half his age onto the dance floor and show her a good dance. and you sort of expected him to be inappropriate or weird... but he just danced with her and spun her and touched the small of her back for just a second and then spun her again. and i just watched him- wondering how he got to be such a fine dancer? what brought him here tonight? what was he like when he was my age? was he lonely now?

i don't know.

there is wrestling. there is no definition. there is a realization that if everything i know is logically wrong, i still can't walk away from it because there is no where else to go. there is a standing on the edge of something and not being able to see. there is confusion and exhaustion and questioning.

ah, but then....

there is dancing.

holding pattern

first, i think its kind of funny how my blog fluctuates between semi-poetic meanderings on life, records of memorable events, deeply theological/ecclesiological thoughts and other random things i feel like writing about. i am not really sure why i blog in the first place... its such a strange attraction to blog... they are like journal entries/records of your life/excuses for you to satisfy a desire for people to affirm you/tell you you are a good writer/pay attenton to you... i dont know.

i have been in this weird place since i got back from river rafting this weekend. like i cant go to sleep at night, even though i am super tired. like i am exhausted all the time and sort of overwhelmed by even the most simple things at work, but i have all sorts of energy to check myspace, blog-surf, eat lots of junk food and talk with people on the phone. maybe i am having indulgence overload and cant get myself to face the realities of being a person with a full time job and lots of responsibilities.

i had an amazing weekend with holly in super norcal (almost at the border of oregon and ca)-- lots of alone time (which is hard for me to take, being such an extrovert), lots of jaw-dropping natural beauty, lots of girl talk, lots of just goodness, you know? it was much needed and i came back refreshed... only to be tackled with an insane week at work with all kinds of different challenges that make the most route tasks seem absolutely impossible.

right now, i just have this strange feeling that things are changing... everything seems just slightly turned, like its heading in a different direction, like... i don't know, i cant describe it. i feel like i am ready to see things in a new way, to begin to expand out. more than anything- i need an adventure. an honest to goodness adventure. with unexpected twists, with unclear direction, with high stakes and lots of unknown. i dont know how you chase down adventure, or how you attain it. it doesnt seem like it should be something you should even have to attain or look for. seems like it should just find you. this isnt to say i am not challenged, or growing or striving. but... i feel restless.

words that you feel

"what is the blooming tincture of the skin
to peace of mind and harmony within
what bright sparkling of first eye
to the soft soothing of calm reply"

i found that on the back of a gospel cd over easter weekend. it soothes me in all the insanity.

conversations, not conversions - part 1

Last saturday night, i had one of the toughest conversations of my life. when you really love people and you really love God and the people you love don't agree with the God you love, it hurts. A lot.

I think conversations like last saturday's are pretty much absolutely essential for the growth of people who call themselves christians. I am starting to believe that without those conversations, follows of Jesus (like me) won't be able to grow right. Maybe you will grow, but you probably grow stunted. Stunted and slowly. Conversations like last weeks speed you up, make you grow right and straight. But with growth, pain.

Let me start where it starts. Last saturday came after weeks of prayer. Prayer that God would use me outside of my comfortable christians circles, outside of my consistent busyness, beyond the place i had been for so many months. And i am telling you, God answers prayers. Me and my new guy were meeting with a couple of dear friends for dinner downtown. After light introductory banter, laughter, beer analysis, and some fine conversation, my self and my friend somehow landed on the topic of individuality vs group mentality. As my friend spoke of groups, he brought up Christianity as an example of a group mentality. He, not being a Christian, had some criticisms for the way christanity approached individualism and disliked the way that Christians claimed to be "one" without recognizing the deep complexities of the individual. This quickly developed into an intense, often heated, discussion of Christianity.

As my friend spoke openly about his dislike for many aspects of the Christian faith and the idea of there even being a God at all, I could feel my heart quicken. It's pace slowly but surely fastened and i told it, "no, heart, this won't be one of those conversations, no need to get all worked up... this will get solved soon here and we will move on to easier topics..." But i was wrong.

With my heart rater increasing, my friend began to broach the idea/problem of christians claiming to have the exclusive knowledge of the way to heaven, and even questioned whether there was a heaven or afterlife at all, or if it was just a selfish way for us to look beyond the life we are given now and hope for something more. Other ideas brought up were the bible as myth- a good set of ways to live, but questionable as an actual account of history; the existence of God as an outward projection of our inner moral standards; the difference between the God of the Old Testament and New Testament; Jesus forgiving everyone vs. just those who believe in him now. I feel like i want to address all of these ideas in indivdual blogs, which i might do-- but for now, i want to give the story of the night. Maybe at some point we can dive in and you all can give me your thoughts.

So, as my friend brought up these ideas, I felt like i was swimming/drowning-- trying to keep my head afloat. You see, my friend is quite smart-- very articulate, very passionate. As he brought each of these things up one by one, i felt so inadequate to even begin trying to get into a deeper discussion of the points he was making. To some of what he said, i was able to engage him and try to give an answer to what he was questioning, but for so many things, i just had to admit to not completely understanding it all.

One of the major realizations that i had during this conversation was the idea that christianity is seen by so many people outside of the church as a series of moral ideals or rules. That by following a set of moral codes, one can earn their way into good graces with God and therefore get into heaven. And beyond this moral standard, there is not much more to christianity than a judgemental finger pointing at most of society and an agressive political agenda that alienates more than unites people (though i guess those two things can be put under the morality heading). A defining moment of the night was when my friend point blank asked me the most difficult question i think i ever have to answer: if he lives his whole life as a good person, living by the standards Jesus lays out for life but not necessarily believing that Jesus was the savior and the only way to eternal life, was Jesus going to deny him a place in heaven when he died? Even now, its hard to breathe and hard to think about that answer.

As insane as it sounds, and as little sense as it makes to my finite little mind, i don't think morality gets us into God's good graces and i don't think being a good person is what is most imporant in life. I hate that this concept has become a bit of a christianese catchphrase, but i know no other way than this to describe it.... its not about rules, its about relationship. From what i can understand and what stands up to experience and what is laid out in scripture, God cares first about our relationship with him, is primarily concerned with us loving him and desiring him and having faith in him. out of this relationship, our morality is formed, our being a "good person" comes into play.

Trying to articulate this idea of having a relationship with an invisible God who is outside of time and space is not easy. I felt crazy trying to explain it to my friend, who seemed both angry with my seemingly pat answer and confused at why his friend, whom he had known for 8 years, would answer that yes, she believed in a God who would not accept him without him having put faith in Jesus during his time on earth.

ah, this kills me, just writing it out. i am aware that anyone could read these words, even my friends from that night, and be angered, confused, disillusioned with what i am saying here. and i question the sanity of it all, sometimes. i mean, who hasn't? but somehow, in these last 6 years of living in relationship with God and trying to love him and lay down my life to be used as his,
i realize the truth that my ways are not his ways, my thoughts are not his thoughts.

more soon....

more on illumination

Oh man, i SO should not be up right now. I am at the point of near exhaustion, after almost 2 weeks without a day off... oh man, oh man, Jesus help me.

BUT, i couldn’t not stay up and write... its always times like this that one feels most inspired and most fired up to let these writerly thoughts flow out... or maybe not even writerly so much as just EXCITED, INSPIRED, EAGER for more. Let me try to explain.

Tonight, i had my community group, which has been going now for about 5 months. In the beginning, it was kind of an awkward group and i had very little hope it would grow into anything substantial. I actually remember lamenting this fact to my mentor, worrying over the way it was going, fretting that it would just be sort of uncomfortable and surface forever. And God, in all his stinkin amazing wisdom and mercy, has literally created the most beautiful little family unit in this group and it is so dear to my heart in such a special, unique way, its really hard to put it down in words.

Tonight was just a perfect example of how beautiful everything is, how illuminated it all becomes when God does his thing in a group of willing people. I came to group so tired (and so tired, i couldn’t even really muster up enough energy to complain about being tired) and not having much of an idea of how the group would go. I had read up on Ephesians 4 and wanted to have an in depth, insightful study with everyone. But i couldn’t see how this would work. I was SO tired, and everyone else seemed pretty beat, too.

But as we all collected in Josh’s little living room and the buzz of conversation went on around me, i began to realize that despite my own “leadership”, there is so much more going on than me simply leading a discussion and us reading our Bibles. We all sort of languidly began sharing about our weeks, the highlights, the lowlights, the funny little idiosyncrasy’s, the lessons we were learning. It was quiet at times and talkative at others. Energy ebbed and flowed around and we sort of sat glowing. Maxwell shared about his theory on “acorns as spiritual gifts” metaphor and then did a little freestyle rapping about it, which made us all giggle and smile big smiles.

We opened up the 2nd half of Ephesians 4 and read. We began digging through the text and in time, it, too, was illuminated. Watching each person contribute to the discussion, adding their insight, experience, thoughts, it became apparent that God was at work. What I LOVE about this realization is that is the most subtle realization, it is the softest sentiment, the simplest shift... and you can just feel it go. Each person builds on the other, we all talk, add something, ideas are formed and expanded. As we sift through the meaning and talked through the themes, the truths, the realities of these words, I think everyone was taking away what they needed. It wasn’t one of those where everyone got onto the same page and we all came to the same conclusion or “application point”... it was all much more organic, raw. You just knew God was working it out in each of us.

And then...

...you begin watching everyone get quiet... but in a good way: a thoughtful, in-going quiet. A changing silence. And the glow of that. Ah, it’s a clear picture in my mind and it’s so sweet.

As we slowed down and let it all sink in, people began to get a bit vulnerable with where they were. Sharing struggles about families who denied the faith or who won’t give it a chance. Friends who can’t seem to understand, health problems that seem hopeless. Unspoken needs that can get lifted in the calling out to Him in our hearts when we pray as a group. And as we did pray together, the sweetness kept coming—not a sickening sweet, but one you savor. Amen.

After praying, we all sat around and talked about what the group meant to us. And a lot was said, and so much more could be said. I can’t quite put it all down here and now, but this is special. And this is church. I work for a church, and what we do Sunday’s is church. But this, THIS, this, its church in such a new way, such a vital way, such a needed way. I pray every group who meets could experience even a sliver of what goes on in our group. And what’s better, is that I don’t even think we have reached the best of what is to come. This is family. This is love.

I know that sometimes we can question why we are even here at all. What did God put us on earth for in the first place? There will always be someone to lead a study, someone to be part of a discussion, someone to be in a group. And maybe we won’t know our reasons in the end, maybe it won’t ever make perfect sense, the reasons. But all i know is that i wouldn’t miss nights like tonight for anything. I wouldn’t want someone else in my place tonight. I would hope everyone would have a chance to experience tonight, but i wouldn’t want to miss out on it. Something intricate and something big has brought me right to where i am: that divine plan has me where i am right now. Who am I to question that? Who am I to miss out on times like this, people like this, love like you find in nights like tonight?


Ah, live it- live it...

what are you waiting for?

what do you do when sin seems to yields no consequence?

i got into an interesting discussion last night with a friend of mine who has been a christian since before he can remember. i had just come home from a loooooong day with vintage: we had had a full set of prayer stations in the gathering, a musical guest in the coffeehouse, 9 church leaders visiting from Michigan and on top of it, i was sick. all i wanted to do when i got home was have some soup and crash into bed, but God seemed to have other plans for me.

before i could collapse into bed, i ended up getting into quite a discussion with this friend of mine. basically, he shared with me that though he knows he isn't on top of things spiritually right now, it doesn't seem to be affecting him the way he thought it would. he is young, attractive and living the life of a normal 20-something guy... which involves sex, drugs and rock n' roll. now, fair enough, everyone goes through their rebellious stages and luckily, this guy has steered clear so far of pregnancy, std's, drunk dialing/driving, etc.

as we continued to talk, we got into a fascinating dialogue about the fact that though this person knows what he should be doing for God and understands that he is being tempted, it is easier for him to just sort of brush that under that rug and live the way he wants to, since, at this point, there haven't been any major consequences for the ways he is living. i mean, it would be different for him if some drastic, terrible consequence had occurred because of the way he has been living, but all he seems to be experiencing right now is a dull sense that he isnt living for God and a whole lot of immediate gratification for acting on his impulses and doing what feels good.

without going into super-detailed description of our talk, i guess i just wanted to raise this up, as think it is a really interesting thing to ponder: what do you do when sin seems to yield no consequence? when living out of your own impulses and desires feels better than living in obedience to God and you can't see why you should hold yourself back if nothing bad will happen to you?

i have a lot of thoughts on this, but (in the style of Rob and MM) i would love to hear what some of YOU all think?

a night i won't forget

These are the times you want to remember. Nights like these are absolutely without question PRICELESS. Tonight, I gave my first message at Vintage Faith. It was about stewarding our hearts. I had been preparing for tonight for the past week pretty intensely... studying scripture, praying, talking with people, hashing through structure and transition with Rob, dissecting meaning and purpose with Mom. But as I prepared, I realized that God had begun working on this message in me years ago. Two verses about the heart, prov 4:23 and phil 4:6-7 had been beacons in my dark times for the past 5 years. I had turned to them both for wisdom and guidance so many times, they felt like familiar faces which eased my heart and gave me peace beyond my own comprehension. And as the message came together this past week, they emerged as the two main verses i would be focusing on.

I have always heard before from people who speak that the week prior to them giving their message, they are always tempted or struggling with the very topic that they are about to speak on. And it was so true for me this week. I felt a deep, deep struggle in my heart about the very things i was to be talking about tonight. The story i shared tonight had to do with my struggle to keep God first in my heart before my romantic relationships. So many times in my walk with God, when it came to affection from a guy, whether emotional or physical, i had the hardest time saying no, even when i knew its not what God had for me. This week, there were a couple of very difficult nights of having to battle with this temptation, whether it be simply about the attention i wanted or was getting from a guy or the blatant opportunity i had to get into a relationship that wasn’t what God wanted for me.

At the times of these temptations this week, it wasn’t super clear to me what was going on, but looking back, i see how very easily my integrity could have been compromised had i chosen differently. I see now that the very story i shared tonight and the huge amount of growth that i have had in the area of romantic relationships is bearing fruit (to use a terribly overused metaphor) even now. Had I been tempted the way i was this week 3 years ago, there is NO WAY i could have survived it. I felt that so many moments this week i could have broken down and given in to my impulses... but God, in all his gracious mercy, protected me.

A series of beautiful moments and details that surrounded the message tonight....


The Augustine quote i used at the end of the message was taped on a mirror i had all through college. The quote always struck me and seemed to always call out to me and it was beautiful how perfectly it worked for the message tonight, as if it stuck around all this time just to be used tonight.

A number of times this week, people have mentioned that God knew before I was even born that I would be speaking tonight. The same concept came up in a number of scriptures that I happened to read this week.

The many emails, phone calls, and myspace messages I received from people offering support, prayer, encouragement and love for me; every one of them I held dear to my heart and i printed them all out and took them on stage with me tonight as a reminder that God's community was there with me.

My mom’s phone call this morning to tell me that her devotional this morning had to do with Jesus' temptation in the desert and then the sermon he gave after his temptaion that was met with adoration for his words over his message (which was not how he wanted it to be received)-- a reminder that even Jesus was tempted... and that it didn't matter what my words were tonight, only that the right message was spoken.

As I prayed outside this afternoon in the unseasonably warm February sun, i observed a bee next to me, simply breathing. This intricate, complex little design just next to me, tiny, breathing. Being reminded that when it feels right, ministry in any capactiy should be as easy as breathing.

Watching the room get set up, the band practice, the tech team prepare and all the outrageously wonderful people I get to serve with each week. It overwhelmed me.

Putting on the wireless mic for the first time and later seeing Dan wearing an apron because he was setting up the drinks and cookies ... an odd, endearing contrast for the night.

Before going on stage to talk, I snuck behind the curtains. It was “mingle time” and they had put on Mute Math in the background- my current favorite band. As I paced around back there, I sang out loud to the song “And i know-there’s got to be another love, some-where closer to the other side”... this filled me with in expressable joy :)

About 3 minutes into the message, my mouth got so dry that I had to stop everything and jokingly ask for my water bottle i had forgotten. My dad eagerly jumped up and handed it to me. I love that being a beginner means i can do stuff like this and it comes off as endearing and lovable!

After stepping down off the stage, I walked over and my Mom hugged me and held me and said that I had given God's message so clearly and so perfectly. Next, I saw Marilyn and Erika's faces, two who are dear to me, but who aren't part of any church. They seemed profoundly moved and I trust it was the Spirit doing it’s thing. Erika told me I had come into a new part of life, that she saw me differently now, that what i had said and the way i had said it had meant so much to her, had affected her. Her eyes told me more than her words and it made every bit of nervousness and hour of preparation worth it, just for that moment.

The people who came up to me afterwards and encouraged me... what they said is enough to make someone get a big fat ego, which I am not above :). So, I have to give all the credit to God here, since its all for his glory in the end anyways. But those moments i will treasure and take as encouragement from my community of believers that will spur me on in my darker moments.



It's so funny because as I drove home tonight, I was struck by a wave of loneliness. Though I have probably never felt as loved as I have tonight by so many people, and so affirmed in my worth and so sure of God's way of redeeming every hard circumstance, I still, still struggle with feeling lonely simply because there is no "boy" to come home to. Just as this thought crossed my mind, I looked up to the sky and I saw a huge circle around the moon, a giant moonglow and i just laughed. No matter how amazing a guy might be in my life, there is no one, NO ONE like God. No one knows me like him, no one can get to my heart like Him. No one will ever be as close to me as He is.

If i could chose one day to have someone follow me around and record my life, so far, this would be that day... it was a near perfect day. A day that I will look to for inspiration when i forget why i am in ministry at all. A day that i will remember for how loved i felt. A day that will stand as a reminder that God redeems everything, in His beautiful, perfect time.

a reason for the mission

last sunday, the staff from vfc went over to first pres (which is the church we are "joining ministries" with in about 77 days :) ) to be introduced to the community there at their morning gathering. (for details on why, see our website http://www.vintagechurch.org/missionStreet.php

Now, if any of you know me very well, i am definitely not a morning person, so i was quite pressed to make it out of bed that morning (especially in the fortress of ice that is my house, oi, thats a whole other blog!). The sun was shining, though, and it made for a perfect excuse to be up earlier than normal on a weekend. As I snuck into first pres a few minutes late, I spied Rob in the back row. I slid in next to him and observed what was happening. The pews were about 1/3 full, the room was quiet, gentle. There were a good number of older people there (which is different for my eyes: i am used to seeing a sea of young faces at vintage each week)... at first this was weird for me, but then i grew acustomed to it and actually got excited. the more i see vintage grow, the more i am convinced having people from the entire age spectrum as part of community can only benefit everyone.

observing the demeanor of the people and the room, it sunk in just how different vintage really is to this community and i pondered how exactly it would work for us to "join" in ministry? how is this going to actually happen? will we disrupt the community they have built here? will they hate they way we do things and want us to leave? how will this happen, God?

as i battled around in my head for a few minutes, i noticed a girl walk in from the side. she was probably 23-25ish and looked like any average UCSC student ... track jacket, sun glasses, shorts, flip flops, unsettled to be in a church. i was instantly aware of her presence here and watched her find a seat. she sat alone.

she sat directly underneath one of the stained glass windows and the morning light was luminous through that window, putting a glow around her. my eyes couldnt stay away from that part of the room. for some reason, i couldnt help but keep wondering what she was thinking about all of this. If she was like the 99% of UCSC students, she doesn't associate herself with anything to do with christianity, church etc. But she was here. she was sitting here, observing, listening even singing a long a little bit with some of the hymns.

i kept glancing over her way, and i was filled with this sense that she was one of the many reasons for our two churches to be taking this huge risk to join in the mission together. something had drawn her here today, perhaps. maybe she saw this church driving up to campus (it is located at one of the busiest intersections in the city, right near UCSC), maybe one day she had sat at the bus bench just in front of the church waiting to be taken up to campus. i didnt know her story, but the more i thought about it, the more i began to feel deeply in my heart that God was showing her to me for a reason: that i must feel the reality of why we needed to get our church to this area, why we must continue to pursue this vision for a new kind of church that is accessible and real to people who have never really experienced Jesus before, or who had a bad taste in their mouths about religion, christians and the name "Jesus."

As we transitioned from the "children's sermon" to Dan's message, Lee prayed for a bit and i leaned my head down and prayed for this nameless girl, whoever she was. my heart began to come apart a little bit for her and her story and it felt drawn out. as of late, i had felt more inside the "church bubble" than i liked, more disassociated from people who don't know Jesus and my heart had felt hardened about the reason that we are on this mission in the first place. i was feeling greatful for my heart being more pliable, easier to shape.

As we all said amen, i lifted my head and looked to wear she had been. the seat was empty. And i felt her absence even more deeply than i had felt her presence.

losing something you never had

its funny how we get our expectations up about things we never really have in the first place. you can spend so much time anticipating how amazing something should be and you get so excited about it. You imagine how awesome it will be when you get to fully enjoy the realization of the anticipation you have, you begin holding onto the little details you have noticed, the swells of emotion that occur when you brush up against the hope and you begin believing all of these things as facts that can't be anything but true.

what's so hard is when you ignore the few little red flags which seem to pop up in the your peripheral as you race along towards your expectation. i am the worst, because i do actually see them, even recognize them and talk about them to others. I think somehow that if i do acknowledge them, perhaps they will be minimized, going from a giant flag that flaps loudly when its windy to a tiny little paper flag you could stick in a tropical drink.

I am seeing more and more that I am so willing to risk the danger associated with the red flags for the potential happiness that it could be confused with desperation. Am I desperate or open? Am i easy to catch or accessible to know? How do we ever get beyond the beginning if we run away because of every potential hazard? How do we avoid getting hurt if we are willing to risk our hearts for an expectation that could turn into beautiful reality?

how do you mourn something you never really had?

wrapping paper and a thousand places

i went to bookshop santa cruz the other day in a last minute attempt to buy a gift for my little brother, who was turning 20. As i cruised the magazine and gift card section, hoping for the perfect 20 year old brother present to come my way, i found the "Thousand Places to Go before you Die" Travel Journal. I remembered that a few months ago, my brother had surprised me by commenting that he would like to visit Europe one day. Now, this is the little brother who was an absolute terror to go anywhere with when we were kids. Everytime my parents thoughtfully selected a location for the family to travel to for some acculturation and familial bonding, he would throw a fit and complain that all he wanted to do was play video games and stay inside all day. When i heard he wanted to see Europe, my heart lept with joy, since i myself actually lived in England when i was 20 and 21 and found it to be one of the most life altering experiences i could ever imagine (i know how cliche that sounds, but its so true).

So, as i remember that conversation, i resolve to buy him this journal to encourage his travel spark to actually ignite into something tangible. As I head to the complimentary gift wrapping center in the back of the store, i am feeling like a pretty wonderful older sister for this thoughtful gift. As i began wrapping the gift, the woman next to me noticed the journal and commented:

"Ah, I have the book that goes along with that journal... we must be on similar journeys"

"Oh, yeah, actually, i bought it for my brother, he is turning 20 and i wanted to encourage him to travel, since i lived in England when i was 20," I replied, feeling immediately at home with this warm older woman.

"Oh that is wonderful!" she said.

"Yeah, it was life changing... so, have you been to the 'Thousand Places' yet?" i asked her, both of us wrapping our gifts.

"Yes, many of them! But i have never lived abroad, only travelled to the different places i have gone."

"Wow, thats great!!" I said, "I always think you have to live overseas to really travel extensively."

"No! I have been travelling for most of my life and i have seen so much!"

"That is so encouraging. I love travelling so much, but i worry i won't be able to go once i am married and have kids... i am thinking i have to squeeze it all in right now," i explained.

"Oh, well, yes, its good to try and go as much as you can right now, since you never know what will happen... but don't worry, you can travel throughout your whole life! I certainly did! I dragged my kid along and it was the best gift I could have ever given them!"

I couldnt believe that i was having this conversation. in the last few weeks, i have been thinking a lot about my desire to travel and wondering how it would work itself out in my life, sort of panicking that the longer i wait, the more i miss my chance to see the world.

After a short, thoughtful pause, I said with a giant smile, "Thanks you so much! Its so encouraging to hear that... Happy New Year!"

"The same to you" she said and she smiled and walked away.

Gift in hand for my little brother, i marvelled at how beautifully God can orchaestrate chance conversations and give us little gifts where we least expect them.