i guess i will have to listen to them

i have to write. justin tells me, josh tells me, hannah told me all the time. my mom. dan in his sly way.

but what do i say?

I have to give up on lamenting about the lack of words there are out there in the world and just accept it. And write. More than I do.

Here is something i wrote the other day as part of an exercise at the staff retreat. We each wrote 'missionary letters' as if we were going out into the mission field and were asking for prayer/financial support from people. Mine turned into a blog entry.


MISSION 2005

Santa Cruz Stats:

In 2000, Santa Cruz’s population exceeded 255,000 people, with the racial majority being white. The Latino/Hispanic population is gaining in numbers and expected to rapidly increase in the next 15 years. Thirty four percent of the population is under 24 and 40% is aged 25-44. The religious make up of Santa Cruz is largely “unclaimed”, with an increasing number of alternative faiths each year. UC Santa Cruz has over 14,000 students, with only around 200 actively participating in any sort of on campus Christian organization. With a wide range of industries and occupations, Santa Cruz’s personality is often known as “weird” an eclectic city with an artsy flair and affinity for the unusual and under-appreciated. Highly educated, health-minded and every hippies dream, the city is a unique haven for those wanting to travel off the beaten path.


The roots of “religion” in Santa Cruz

Founded in 1850, Santa Cruz is one of the original cities in California. The mission built in the area preceded California’s statehood in 1850 and was completed in 1794. Before it was even completed, Mission Santa Cruz had already been attacked and partially burned by the Native American tribes in the area, who were reacting to the violent attempts by the missionaries to “convert” the original inhabitants of Santa Cruz. The brutal assassination of one of the original mission priests in 1812 seems to have set the tone for Santa Cruz’s often hostile attitude toward those claiming to be followers of Jesus. Then in 1857, a series of earthquakes ended up destroying the original Mission.

There is nothing left of the original Mission.

A new MISSION:

Despite two large non-denominational churches drawing large numbers of the over-35 crowd, Santa Cruz joins most of America in its declining number of people under 25 being part of any church. People are taking notice, though, and in 1996, Dan Kimball and Josh Fox endeavored to reach this age group with a re-envisioned idea of “church” and Graceland was birthed as a service of SCBC. Eventually, the idea of this service becoming its own church was realized and Vintage Faith Church, a full-fledged church plant, began its own gatherings in early 2004. After almost 2 years, it’s grown beyond a large college-age crowd and into an increasingly dynamic community.
Though at its heart, Vintage Faith Church remains similar theologically to its mother-church, the approach it takes to reaching those in Santa Cruz and beyond is as unique as the area in which is exists. Becoming a “WORSHIPING COMMUNITY OF MISSIONAL THEOLOGIANS” is at its heart, and BEING the church rather than GOING to church has become its hearts cry. As any missionary would study its culture, become familiar with its people and plan to strategically introduce the teachings of Jesus to those who are “unreached,” Vintage Faith Church sees itself as a collection of “missionaries”, essentially, an entire church on a mission. On a mission to change the way Santa Cruz thinks of Christianity. On a mission to be a community that loves others (in and out of the church) the way Jesus did. On a mission to BE JESUS to and in Santa Cruz.

A new Mission.

So, how’s it goin’?

After almost 2 years on staff with Vintage Faith Church, I have been increasingly amazed at how God works, despite our greatest successes and because of our greatest failures. After committing myself to God in the summer of 2000, my faith has never been tested as much as in the last year. And has never grown as much either. As I see it, only part of my “mission” has to do with what VFC has been doing: my personal walk with God, my interactions in family and friendships, and my everyday life are all part of the mission God has me on. But it’s been because of the mission of VFC and the people who help lead it, that I have been able to truly see how connected all of these aspects of my life truly are and how I must continually see my own life, wherever God has me living, working and playing, as a mission for Him.

girl interrupted

ok, so it is a foggy thursday and i am alone in the office and couldn't be happier. yesterday was one of those days where every 7 minutes a new distraction made me feel like i was slowly losing my mind. today, the silence is soothing me.

As I enjoy my silence, what its killing me is how addicted to comfort i am and how much i hate being interrupted from what is normal. You see, I have been meeting pretty regulalry with "H", a passionate, articulate, intelligent and wonderful woman who is a true spiritual seeker in every sense of the world. She has opened up her life and heart to me in so many ways and i cant believe the place i have in her life, as a confidant, a friend, a fellow dweller of "below the surface" life.

Everytime we hang out, I am overjoyed and refreshed to be with her, but the hours leading up to our meetings, I am filled with a sense of being so uncomfortable, like somehow i can't quite shake the feeling that i am going into an unknown place, an place where its not all easy and familiar. I feel like all my normal, comfortable ways are interrupted from their easy course. Its been like this consistently with her and yet, consistently i have been wrenched out of my expectation of the uncomfortable and by being with her, a new breath has been breathed into me, a new sight, a new view.

Last night was another epic night with H... she confided in me some of her struggles, she expressed her love of learning, she opened up about her confusion in defining her own morality... and it was so easy. I always feel like we could talk for hours and hours and hours.

My favorite parts of the talk were

us expressng our fear of change and the future (its easier to do what you have
always done, because to do something new is unknown and you never know how it
will turn out... thus why we stay in our patterns and don't grow)

exploring the reason its hard to connect with people sometimes (our
theory: many people live on "the surface" or even a gelatonous next layer
somewhere between the surface and the depths... what we prefer is to swim around
in the depths below the surface, to explore the unknown, to ask questions, to
keep seeing new things, to keep learning and growing)

the role of the
body and the mind (just because our bodies want things doesn't mean they are
right... we CAN discipline our bodies and we must, or we will only act on
instinct and impulse)

...and even the mutual addiction to the
comfortable (we all want what's immediately most comfortable to us, and we
default back to what we know is comfy, even if in our mind we know its not
right)

Epic nights like last night with H are another confirmation of how deeply i must cherish my friends. You dont meet people like H often and you don't have connections like this everyday.

The connection with H interrupts me and conjurs some phantom loss of comfort, but i love being a girl, interuppted for such a friendship as this.

i am trying...

i am trying all my best to make it up to you for such inconsistency in my writing... you see, i am quite verbose, quite unable to make sense of everything and fit it so neatly into a box on a blog. Why is the lemon jelly man so good at it?

I have had quite a month: grieving all the goodbyes, joyous welcomes to friends from afar (yeah guests from the UK!!), tragedies which God somehow so quickly redeems.

I will tell you this much... i can't tell you enough.

An interesting mix of things i have been learning.

1. How to say Goodbye well: I think a lot has to do with recognizing what the person has been in your life and reminding them of exactly what they mean to you... long letters usually do it for me. Throwing parties is good, with a love chair where the honored person sits in a chair and everyone in the room goes around and says how much they love/appreciate/cherish/admire/respect the sitter of the love chair. that one is a winner when it comes to making someone feel special.

2. Just when you think you can't take much more, you get more... and you know, you can survive it. Its weird, i don't get it, but its true

3. A little time each day goes a long way... I have spent the last week spending a little time each night before bed reading Oswald and writing out prayers and an undeniable peace arises in me the next morning knowing that i have set aside time to just stop. I hate the quiet time cliche, but its really real to me right now.

4. Everyone can be an amazing photographer, and its all because of the digital camera revolution. Bethany said that, so I take no credit. See above picture :)

5. Seeing Coldplay twice in one week makes you hungry to hang out on Camden Rd in London and get to know the guys a bit more. I really want to just pick Chris Martin's brain, not because he is hot or talented or famous, but because he seems so genuine and thats what i think we all want in a friend.

6. Confrontation should not be an easy or a fun thing... if it is, your heart is not in the right place. You should feel uncomfortable doing it, because you should care about the person you are confronting enough to know that it will be hard for them to hear what you are saying. Perhaps in empathy, healing comes more readily.

7. San Francisco is farther away than you would think.

8. No matter how much i try, i become more and more uneasy in the "world"... not because i am becoming "of" it, but because my heart still remembers what it is like being "of" and then it just aches when it is "in" and still doesn't know how to balance it all out.

9. WHAT, I HOPE IT WASN'T ON MY COAT... its so funny in so many ways and situations and its the best that only Ames and Jus know what i mean.

10. i love good bands and i love good drives and i love good kisses... i won't lie.

more soon, i promise