beauty and fear

i re-read this today and felt it right to share now, some 4 months later...

port de iquaçu/iguaçu falls...

an early morning flight, traveling fatigue and heavy bags did nothing to dampen our enthusiasm over our time in iguaçu falls. the moment we jumped in the taxi from the airport, we felt like we had been transported to a different world entirely. it felt like hawaii, only richer colors, more humid air and a sense of calm and tranquility that contrasted beautifully with our big city adventures. not only was the environment simply fantastic, but the hostel we stayed in made us love the whole place even more. it was set up to feel like you were in the jungle, but not in a cheesy way at all-- in the very best way. lots of wood paneling, simple, cozy and clean rooms, a pool, a welcoming and perfectly lit and welcoming bar/hang out area and a super friendly staff (our main contact, sophi, was simply the best, helping us plan our our time in the falls and our next few steps of the trip).

after a yummy breakfast including some Kenny G tunes, we headed up to Iguaçu Falls by bus and once we got through ticketing, me losing my sunglasses and needing to buy new ones and trekking through some short trails, we encountered the Falls, which were beyond words in magnitude, beauty and just pure awe-inspiring-ness. they span about 1.5 miles, and are surrounded by a lush green rainforest/jungle setting. we explored the whole area, taking a boat right into the bottom of the falls (getting totally drenched and me screaming for dear life as the base of the falls is deafening and scary), walking out the edge of the most intense falls, called Devils Throat (the spray from the base of the falls flies up hundreds of feet above the actual falls, the water pressure is so intense) and then taking a slow boat ride through the still waters above the falls, where we saw a crocodile from about 5 feet away (causing me to crouch in the middle of the boat while everyone else laughed at me).

it was on this adventure that it came to me that with many experiences of real, true beauty, fear and danger are almost a requisite companion experience to that beauty. as we experienced all the phenomenally beautiful facets of the falls (seeing it from above, below and next to), an element of fear and danger was always right there with us. hiking across long bridges over the smaller (but still pretty high) falls; walking to the very edge of one large fall and the looking up to see the massive flow of water above; seeing Devils Throat so close, knowing you could slip over and be gone in a second; seeing a crocodile close up; hearing the roar of the falls not far ahead and not being entirely sure the boat guide knew how to steer clear of the edge; walking for a long time over the actual edge of the falls with a pretty low railing to protect you -- all of these things were intensely beautiful, but also incredibly scary. but you could not have the beauty without the fear. miniature versions of those falls could never cause you to feel so overwhelmed by their beauty and magnificence.

i am beginning to see this paradox in all of our adventures- macchu picchu was so gorgeous, so stunning, but every time you realized how high up you were, it was terrifying. flying so many places, feeling the turbulence, knowing how risky flying is if you really think about it- these are all so scary, so fearful-- but could the beauty and experience of South America be had simply by seeing it in a picture online or in some movie? there is no way! the fear and danger of flying gave way to the beauty of this expansive and amazing experience of South America.

as i write this all out, i realize i am happy to have had this revelation, as i am one to always look into the deeper meaning of things. on this trip, i have felt a lightness, an ease, a lack of weight (in a good way). of course my mind still spends way too much time finding things to analyze and think on and try to figure out... but this metaphor or idea of beauty and fear mixing and giving way to each other is churning in me very deeply and still showing me more of itself. perhaps what i am meant to learn here is not something i will be able to control. perhaps the lessons (like this one) will come over time and unexpectedly and in more layers and nuances than i could have ever wanted.

a year in the kingdom

tonight, we saw 2 concerts in the mountains of santa cruz- gregory alan isokov and j tillman. both musicians will likely become part of my soundtrack for the winter. j tillman had won me over with the title track from "a year in the kingdom" back at the end of october. i listened to it on a particularly emotional day, one when it felt like many things were coming to a head and God was making even clearer some truths and realities i already knew- and needed to know more of.

what's genius about the song is that its lyrics evoke something in you that you don't really understand- they are heart rending and emotional and raw... but you don't quite know why, you can't quite put your finger on it. they have overtones of something to do with God, but the exact meaning is ever so slightly obscured, which makes it somehow more beautiful. i am finding so much beauty, as of late, in things i can't quite understand.

tonight, j tillman's show was at the brookdale lodge, and the section where he played was probably 40 degrees, no joke. you could see your breath. if you know me at all, you know this was not a good thing. i stayed as long as i could in the section, his voice is so perfect and everything so captivating, you want to be close and hear everything. by the end of the set, i couldn't handle anymore and so i found refuge by the fireplace in the back of the room (which provided no heat to the front of the room for some reason).

during the first song of the encore, brian and i were feeling ready to go. i told myself that if the next song wasn't "year in the kindom," then we could go. before he began the second encore song, J off-handedly said how great it would be to unplug and finish up by the fire. the small but faithful crowd convinced him that this was right and so he made his way toward the warmth, while the crowd circled around. and there, by the glow of firelight and 50 quiet, expectant listeners, he began...

when i look back on my life
a stillness passes over friends
what i stored was yours to keep
it's no more mine to reclaim than the rocks and the trees

i spent a year in the kingdom, on my way, on my way through the garden
i spent a year in the kingdom, on my way, on my way through the garden

what comfort used to pass my days
before you shook the cold from me
i have enough to hold me to your side
before release comes for me like a thief in the night

i spent a year in the kingdom, on my way, on my way through the garden
i spent a year in the kingdom, on my way, on my way through the garden

i'd give back every night bird song
i'd give back every lay in the dawn
i'd give back my singing voice

for, one more day, one more day in the kingdom

my ears recalled the october day five weeks earlier, hearing these words and music at a time when i somehow had needed them to give voice to what was going on inside. and as i remembered that, i also remembered that earlier today, i had been asking God to show up, to show me something, to show me that he was listening to me as I implored him to give me guidance about my life. and in this unexpected and perfect way, it felt like this song- being sung in the warmth of the fire, surrounded by easy, thoughtful silence- was a showing up. instead of up on a stage, away, separated, here was this song, these words - sung softly, gently, humbly, giving voice to mystery, reminding.

peru, days 1-3

on our 26 day south american trek, days 1-3 have already proven quite momentous...


*ALTITUDE HIGH*
we are feeling sort of drugged because of the altitude here. i think we are like somewhere between 6-10,000 feet above sea level (i can´t convert from kilometers, but its definitely high up). just walking up stairs winded us the first few days and we still have weird moments where it affects us - brian gets winded when he stands up right after waking up, its kind of funny. our skin is so dry and the air so different, it caused me to get a wonderful bloody nose yesterday and then today again on thetrain. so cute.

*PISAC- death by bus?*
Because all the trains to machu picchu were booked for the days we wanted to go, we re-arranged our sched, and day one, we instead went to a tiny village an hour outside of Cusco called Pisac. the bus ride over was really really really scary. i kept wondering what it would sound like if people heard i died in bus accident while driving a curvy highup road, listening to 80¨s hits. luckily, we survived. in pisac, they had a huge market with fresh foods, lots of warm clothes, trinkets and so much more. while the market was charming and at first you felt special cause it seemed everyone wanted to talk to you, we soon got overwhelmed with people constantly shouting at us and wanting us to buy from them. it was essentially our first taste of what has been one long insessant sales pitch the minute we arrive in any sort of setting where the vendors know there will be tourists. i feel like a robot, repeating over and over {no gracias, no gracia, no gracias}.

*hugo, the very best*
day two we headed toward puno, the large town right next to lake titcaca (hehe! still funny to say and type). the bus ride takes about 5 hours ish with no stops, but this was a special tour where we stopped at 5 different places along the way. while it had potential cheese factor (for some reason, tours always seem cheesy to me at first), the tour experience was AMAZING!! our tour guide, Hugo, looked like a mix of michael jackson (pre plastic surgery) and gabriel garcia bernal... and he was super friendly, knowledgable, kind and easy to talk with. we had seats the the very front of the bus, so we got lots of time to chat with him. on our stops, we saw an amazing church (the sistene chapel of south america, apparently), old Inka ruins, fantastic views of all kinds of lansdacspes (plains that ran right into gigantic golden mountains, rivers, trees, livestock) and tons and tons of people riding bikes, herding animals, walking along, sitting, observing, almost getting hit by our bus, etc. we also ate lunch at a cute little place with an amazing spread of all types of peruvian cusisine. we loved this, because we are finding that real peruvian food is hard to come by in the city centers we stay in, cause all the city restaraunts are geared toward tourists and so the food is far from authentic. we arrived in puno at 5pm and said good bye to the wonderful hugo, who will forever be my favorite tour guide :)

*the lake of lies... and beauty*
at 6:50am of day 3, we headed out on another tour, this time by boat. it was so confusing trying to find the boat and when found it, more confusion ensued for about 20 minutes cause they overbooked and there were not enough seats. the tour guide was no hugo, and so i didnt really listen to him much, just stared out the window and tried to soak in the lake and land and reeds and sun. the first stop were the floating islands, which are made entirely of reeds and mud, reedwhich grows for miles on the lake. there are about 48 small islands in a big circle and that they exist at all is amazing: stepping onto them made us wish we could sleep on them as our hotel beds were rock hard. but, they are lies. well, the islands were real, but the "natives" who live there might as well be disneyland characters dressed up to make you think you have transported to another time. they wait for you at the boat, dressed in very clean, brightly colored "native" clothes and then as you get the history and construction details of the island from our bad tour guide, they set up a marketof "handmade" crafts for us to buy (though the crafts in every marketwe have been in have been identical to each other, causing us towonder who in fact is making these authentic items.) before you leavethey gather around and sing to you. tihs happened at all the islandssimulatenously, as each island had its own tour boat to impress. Iwas the most skeptical of all of us and so it was hard to enjoy theexperience. it was cool that they were in fact reed islands, floating and in existence for hundreds of years, but the fakeness of it all wasupsetting. after the islands, we got back out onto the lake for athree hour boat ride to another huge island, where stevey and ienjoyed a long, refreshing girl talk in the warm sun (the weather here is much more mild than we thought, which makes me soooo happy). theisland was cool, we got to hike and see amazing villages, and enjoyanother great peruvian lunch and i embarassed myself royally by tryingto talk to another person on the tour and introducing myself by saying"im america" to which all ten people at the table laughed at. we endedthe day by eating at an amazing pizza place called "macchupizza" which was actually wonderful despite the name.

life from death...

From time to time, I am going to use this space to make sure and remember the great conversations that make my life and my work worth every bit of struggle and confusion and pain.

Again, the theme of service and our life being ABOUT God has surfaced. In my conversation with a new friend/VFC connection (we'll call her S), we pondered and worked through and celebrated the reality that our lives are not about ourselves or our own happiness, necessarily, but that they are ultimately about serving other people as conduits or vessels of God.

Recent losses in S's life have left her with a sense of wanting to move to the next place in life, where she just serves others and focuses on that over things she has focused on our worried about in the past. Perhaps as she sees the beautiful legacy of service that those she lost left behind, she realizes that she wants to be part of something like that herself. In this moment, in this awakening, she is available to what God wants to do with her, she is open to being used in whatever way she can be used. This is how she wants to live. She has that sense of clarity about her that comes after great pain and loss. Life, in a very real, tangible way, has become this precious gift. Life for S has become simpler in a way. Life is not about us. Life is not about our own self-contained happiness or comfort or success. Life is something to be lost so we can truly live.

S is still figuring things out. She wants to know the Bible, wants to understand it. She sees she has a lot to learn. But in and of herself, S is this amazing gift. She is present, easy to talk with, encouraging, gentle, positive, deep. She already has so much to offer the world, its almost like learning about God and the Bible will shed light on what's already been richly at work in her. I firmly believe that as we grow fully into who we are in Christ, we become more fully us.

Our conversation brought us to the discussion of how every part of the Body is unique, how we all bring so much to the table simply in and of who we are... and every part of us that is God, IS GOD. God is so infinitely dynamic and interesting and complex and all encompassing-- every great thing about every person is Him. This is endlessly encouraging to me. I love how God has made this world and made us. Yes, brokenness and darkness and confusion abound... but there is this hope.

As S and I talked, I was reminded of this incredible quote i just read from Mulholland (again)

"We have so emphasized the Life dimension of the New Testament that we have avoided coming to grips with its death dimension. We have avoided the fact that in the gospel, Life comes out of death, not out of life. Trying to bring Life out of life attempts to escape the necessity of dying to the old parameters of our existence, the necessity of relinquishing the brokenness of our being, the necessity of letting go of those things that warp and misshape and distort who we are."

S has experienced death... literal death of those around her and, in a deep way, death of her old self, her old parameters of existence, her old being. And out of this death, Life.

robert mulholland says

"human life is, by its very nature, spiritual formation. the question is not whether to undertake spiritual formation. the question is what kind of spiritual formation are we already engaged in? are we being increasingly conformed to the brokenness and disintegration of the world, or are we being increasingly conformed to the wholeness and integration of the image of Christ?"

three letter word

I feel like my life revolves around the simplest thing, this one three letter word ... God. My life is about knowing God, loving God, trusting God, choosing God, cultivating my relationship with God, being a conduit for God to other people. And it is very clear that this is my primary purpose, this focus on and relationship to and becoming like God. But, if this one little word is all my life is about, why why why does life feel so complicated and confusing and cloudy so much of the time? Why is it so easy to lose track and feel utterly lost?

In most conversations with my married, dating and single girlfriends, we spend hours analyzing our future/potential/actual mates. What does it mean when he does or says this? Why is he acting interested but doesn't do anything about it? What if he decides there is someone more beautiful or interesting out there and leaves me? We circle around these questions and fears, worrying and fretting that we need to do more or be more in order to be loved and kept. We long for this deep connection, this deep sense of being known, the moment of ultimate safety and acceptance, that final confirmation that we have found the right person at the right time and we can stop the search, stop the fears and finally "be happy." But is being "happy" really the goal of our long search? Do our hearts simply become satisfied with this "happiness" once we get married/find the one/live "happily" ever after?

My sinking suspicion is that there is more. Well, in fact, my experience, as limited as it feels, is that there is more. Not that it is wrong to want to find a partner, and not that these fears aren't very real. But its the motivation underneath the search that gets me thinking, that causes me to wonder what it is i am really looking for. For about a year now, I have had this idea in my head that when I do finally say "I do", I want it to be because what I see in the person I am with is not only someone who understands me and loves me and accepts me, but that I see someone who truly encourages me and exhorts me to be the woman God has made me to be. I want that person to passionately pursue who they are in Christ, to not give up on growth and change and discovery... and I want to be a person who helps encourage them to become the man God has them to be. And together, I want us to be a couple who is willing to do whatever God leads us to do, to become who ever God has us to become, and to serve wherever and whoever God has us to serve. I want our life together to be about this one simple thing: God.

In the midst of thinking all this, of letting these ideas and thoughts and dreams be processed through the intense machine that is my brain, my friend Lee has brain surgery. His wife posted this morning on the update blog the following:

Now that Lee's condition is stable, I want to share about our journey through a spiritual lens. Since the moment that we found out about Lee's lesion on Friday, God's presence has prevailed. There have been so many evidences of Him that have been occurring in the past 6 days. Every time I see one, I am quick to give God thanks. As Lee was in surgery, I was writing them all down in my journal, giving thanks, because I don't want to forget one of them. Among them all, and they are still coming, I want to highlight two profound ways that God has personally been evident. As the urgent care doctor told us the news of this mass in Lee's brain, I felt JOY (God, how are you going to use this for your kingdom purposes?) and PEACE (God, we trust and depend on you).

As for JOY, Friday night as I lay in bed, I began to survey the landscape of all the possible outcomes of Lee's situation from ideal to worse case scenario. I began to see the joy and sorrow that would come with each one and the possible ways that God could be glorified with each. I later told Lee and on another occasion (Josh and Dani Fox and Alex Chiuko) that I felt like I was trying clothes on in front of a mirror seeing what each one looked like, a little glimpse into each scenario. God could be glorified in every one, which made them equally powerful for God's purposes, making each one a viable possibility. When Lee and I officially started dating in college back at UC Davis, making the move from best friends to clearly stated romantic intentions, we sat together in an over sized beanbag chair in front of a large fish tank in the late night, prayerfully committing our relationship to God and his purposes, willing to be used in any way by God. I found myself reminded of that promise as Lee and I are now in another season where God is clearly at work. I told God last Friday night that I surrendered Lee totally and completely to Him in every way and that we today, 26 years later from that night at UC Davis, are still his servants at his disposal to be used in any way for the sake of the gospel. My prayer is that God be glorified and my desire and prayer is that He be glorified through Lee sticking around on earth for a long time.

As for PEACE, I have been on a personal journey of transformation in this area over the last 6 years and God has been preparing me for this moment. When I was recently teaching on Peace to the women of Soul Food in our most recent study on Philippians, I shared that I had failed to find God's peace in a very trying and extended challenging circumstance. I was disappointed that I could not say that "it was well with my soul." My disappointment turned to motivation to seek God's peace, the peace that passes all understanding, that guards our hearts and minds (Philippians 4:7). I wanted to be ready for the next challenging circumstance so that I could say confidently, "It is well with my soul". And there it came, Friday afternoon, sitting with the urgent care doctor. I heard the news and I thought, "it is well with my soul." Thank you God...you are so good. You are faithful to complete the good work that you have started in me (Philippians 1:6). I was content and at peace, because I knew that God would supply the strength that I needed to get through any of the upcoming scenarios. I want to quote from the Philippians Bible study by Becky Kimball regarding the verse in Philippians 4:13 that says, I can do everything through him who gives me strength. She writes " So through the strength provided by Jesus, Paul is equipped for contentment... So (too it is with us), you and I don't have to be products of our environment or our circumstances or even our human nature. We have everything we need, through Jesus, to live a life that reflects His character...We are invited into a second-by-second, closer-than-your-skin experience of God in which we are never abandoned or ignored or simply left to our own devices." If left to my own devices, I would have failed again as I had done in my previous challenging circumstance. But here I sit today, completely content and at peace because God will supply everything I need to deal with life whether it is with Lee fully restored to health, Lee in a compromised state of health, or Lee gone on to glory to live with Jesus.

And sitting there, reading the update this morning, I found a picture of what i have been thinking in my head, an example of the kind of person i want to be as i go through this life, an example of the kind of couple i can only hope to be part of one day.

brief on vegas

Two weeks ago, on a whim, I RSVP-ed last minute to an invite by a friend to go away to Vegas for the weekend to celebrate his college graduation. The allure of a weekend by the pool in the sun with a bunch of fun people sucked me in and I went with it. I sort of let the debauchery, gambling and notoriously seedy reputation of Vegas slip to the back of my mind and when we finally packed up the car and got on the road, I was excited to go.

Before visiting Vegas, I had only vague assumptions about what it was actually like. It was at once this legendary place I was sort of curious about (having loved Swingers and Oceans 11/12/13 and that whole Rat Pack vibe), while at the same time it seemed to be the embodiment of all I despise about the world (or America at least).

And I won’t say that all of the Vegas experience was bad. I loved the people I went with, they were fun and easy and good people to be around. Being a big, roving, parentless family set free for the weekend in a wonderland of distraction, entertainment and leisure was enjoyable, almost against the rules in a way. Fitting 14 people in a two bed suite for the weekend gave us the feeling of getting away with something akin to TP-ing your friends house or sneaking candy into a movie. Largely harmless, but somewhat against the rules, the little thrill of rebellion made us feel clever and crafty all at once.

So for the fortune of good company and the getting away for a few days and the 4 hours at the “beach” and the getting dressed up and the fantastic Mexican dinner and the MGM lions and some really great conversations, I am grateful. These all made the trip entirely worthwhile, so I won’t regret going. But for the sake of being truthful to myself and my experience, I must say that when I think of darkness and indulgence and the generally depraved state of the human race (specifically in regard to sexuality and money), I will recall my time walking the Vegas strip to help me more viscerally understand what that really means. After just a couple hours walking down the strip, I was exposed to an almost constant barrage of pornography, drunkenness, greed, indulgence and grandeur (the bad kind).

Yes, one could argue that I am slightly sheltered, working for a church and considering a game night at home with dessert just as much fun as a trip to the city for a concert. Sure, so perhaps that made me more affected than most. But I am grateful to be so sheltered as to have been shocked by the darkness of Vegas. I want my sexuality and my identity and my value for hardwork and my growing love for frugality to all remain in tact, and even on the innocent side, as I get older. I’d rather view the world with eyes of wonder and discovery than be so de-sensitized and “experienced” that nothing is new anymore.

Being thrown from one extreme to another was a good reminder, too, of how affected we are by our environments. By the end of my last day, I was so disgusted by the oversexed images I had been exposed to that I felt dirty just wearing a skirt and completely grossed out at the thought of even just kissing my boyfriend. Instead of tempting me, Vegas made sex look cheap and artificial, a commodity to seized and consumed rather than a gift to be given and received between two people committed to each other in every way.

I will give Vegas credit, though, in its ability to value entertainment and spectacle- I wish I had enough money to afford some of those amazing shows and I loved the fact that so much creativity and artistic expression was readily available for people to enjoy. Granted, some of that entertainment included some pretty washed up comedians, but that’s ok, right? At least they are working.

All this to say, I appreciated being invited and I enjoyed the friends I got to have the experience with. If I could take away all the sex/porn stuff, and the lack of natural lighting and the smoke and the drunkenness and the addictions and all the other seedy things infesting Vegas, I could see myself really enjoying it out there. and i will credit Vegas with an inspiration to write more. Me and my friend Brian U. decided to encourage each others creative output but committing to blogging once a week. So here is my first, Brian, sorry its so late :)

right now

i have been running a lot more than usual lately - well not really running running, more sort of mellowly jogging. i am very much enjoying it, because its giving me more energy and helping me get some time to contemplate and talk to God. I find i talk to God better when i moving around and looking at the ocean and listening to amazing music (current favorite running music = Yppah). a couple weeks ago, i felt almost all my relationships were strained and it was frustrating me. I was running/walking/praying on the beach, asking God for answers, wanting Him to show up somehow, perhaps even subtly wanting him to justify my frustrations and make my struggles go away. As i was saying this, i looked up and saw a red mark ahead on the rocks in front of me. As i got closer, i saw it had a word above it. A few more steps and i saw. It said "MORE" and beneath it was a red heart. And i stood there smiling, looking at the MORE LOVE rock.

today, i ran again all around my neighboorhood and then on the cliffs and then to the lighthouse and then took a 20 min walk on the beach. I prayed into the wind, Yppah playing in one ear and my own voice sounding like whispers from someone behind me in the other ear (i have to pray out loud or my thoughts takeover my brain and i can't concentrate too well). my mom had just finished telling me i need to learn to be in the moment, a message i have heard far too many times without much change on my part. I walked on the beach praying and hoping no one would hear me and think i was crazy. then, ahead of me i see a tiny blonde girl playing in the waves. Her dad is watching her, holding her pink sweater and she is in bright fluorescent bathing suit and nothing matters to her right then except that she is playing in the water and that her dad is watching her. And then next to them two girls walked, a puppy between them carrying a stick in his mouth and they smiling and laughing. The puppy ran ahead and caught the eye of another blonde girl playing in the sand and they had a moment. The puppy then raced off to be with his own girls and i smiled. And i became overwhelmed. And i became happy. A few things i have loved with an inexplicable love since before i can remember are the ocean/any body of water and puppies/dogs. I was a little fish as a kid, always wanting to be in the pool or river or creek (we lived in landlocked ohio, so the ocean only became a love once we moved here when i was 5). Also as a kid, i loved dogs and would constantly be playing with ours or anyone elses who would let me. Also, i was a very blonde haired little girl.

Walking back home through the sand, smiling about puppies and blonde girls and laughter and watching fathers, i felt happy. I walked in the sand and started to walk in the deeper tracks left by cars who had crisscrossed the beach some other time or day. I started thinking about how hard patterns are to break, how easy it is for me to live in some other time, to live in expectation, to live in fear, to live in doubt and to always wonder what is next... my own thought patterns well worn and entrenched before me. Without thinking, i stepped out of the tracks into the sand where only a thousand foot steps remained, aiming myself not in a familiar well worn path, but in the direction that would most quickly lead me home.

inside and out

what a delightful and life giving gift it is to share a lengthy, intense, multi-layered, dynamic conversation with someone who is engaged and engaging and interested and interesting. i have found that all the little neurons in my brain light up when i am able to have these conversations and it just fills me with so much energy and light. i feel i am at my best in these times, like something is flipped on inside of me.

i realize that this most often occurs when i am talking to other women. i am not saying i don't have profound conversations with men and that they aren't good, solid conversations... but there is something intrinsically different for me when i communicate with another woman. based on my tiny amount of knowledge about the female brain (courtesy of a book i read about halfway through called, interestingly, "the female brain") we as women are neurologically wired for connection and communication. of course there are varying levels of this, but as they study the male and female brains, they are finding that female brains are significantly different than males in our verbal and relational centers and this contributes to much of our behavior dichotomies. anyhow, i digress...

the point being that when i come off of these conversations, i am left feeling more alive inside- it's visceral, really. i think this specific convo was especially life giving because of the unique vantage points myself and my fellow conversationalist were speaking from. she admittedly stands "outside" of the Christian faith, and i would consider myself "inside." Though in most cases, these positions of inside and out would cause incredible disharmony, discord, and likely disagreement, i do not find any of those present in my conversations with this friend. and its not like we avoid the subject... in fact, the subject of faith is what fuels and enlivens the words we exchange.

one snippet that stuck out to me was the question of belonging. my friend has (until recently) only really experienced Christianity as a place where people who don't "believe," are made to feel outside of the community of believers. we conversed about the alternative, which has is roots on "the Celtic Way of evangelism." essentially instead of it being

Behave, believe, belong = Roman Evangelism (bringing people in)

it is actually

Belong, believe, behave = Celtic Evangelism (sending Christians out)

Christianity can often assume the stance of being the moral police of the world, beating people over the head with the rules of how they should "behave." Once they "behave", then they can make the choice to "believe" in God/the bible/the church and then, finally, they are allowed to "belong" to the Church (which at this point seems more like a secret fraternity or exclusive country club.)

What if, instead of being asked to jump through the hoops of first behaving and believing (which in the context of those who have already chosen to follow Jesus are important and necessary), they were asked to belong? They were extended the open arms of Christian community? Engaged in the dialogue and life and beauty and messiness of the Church?

another topic was the question of sin and repentance- why that issue is hard to face, especially when you don't feel like your life is mired in too much "morally questionable" behavior. this is a tough one, because in comparison with other "sin," many of our everyday blunders seem inconsequential or even tedious to consider when you look at the behavior of far more violent and evil people. i struggle with this, too, since i've always been a bit of a goody-two-shoes. i brought up the fact that I truly believe that self-hatred and a distorted view of self could be considered sinful behavior. I don't say that to quantify or categorize those behaviors so much as to point out that we must "repent" (or change directions) from them. to hate yourself or to hold the view of yourself as anything other than a beloved child of God is essentially telling God he made a mistake when he made you, devaluing His creation that is you and denying the fact that you are His image-bearer.

these questions kind of tie in with another thing we touched on, which is the reality that in God's kingdom, everyone is equal. we began our conversation talking about the school system, grades, prep schools and the generally misguided attempts by our culture to quantify peoples values based on test scores. she is a college professor, so this isn't some loosey-goosey hippy mama who believes we all need to live in a commune and give the finger to "the Man" (not that there is anything wrong with being like that :) ). she is a legit academic, well-written, published and accomplished, but she doesn't buy into the game. i kind of love this. though i did "play the game" and do my schoolwork and graduate college, i felt a sinking suspicion as i went through school, kindergarten to college, that the school system in general didn't necessarily care about the content of my character or my ability to love or my desire to bring change into the world. they mostly just wanted me to pass tests and behave and check the boxes and finish. of course, this isn't every one and there were a number of dynamic, amazing teachers i encountered. the people didnt seem the be the issue... by and large the system is what seemed strangely mechanistic and ultimately kind of sad.

all that to say, our shared negative views on school systems driven to "succeed" by grade fits right along with all the ideals in scripture that indicate it is the "least of these" that Jesus was most acutely aware of and caring toward. He loves us all the same, to be sure, but there was no posturing with Jesus. he wasn't about to give special rights to the rich - he asked them the hardest questions. and he wasn't tempted to play favorites with his disciples, even when they out rightly asked. jesus is so far beyond all our strategies about popularity and our ideas of who "deserves" what. he is asking us to live outside of the whole structure of culture and that makes him pretty badass if you ask me.

ok, its getting late- but other topics we touched on that i dont want to forget to expand on later

the abyss... the empty... the loneliness....why it's so hard to rest
once you start walking down the road of deep spiritual formation, can you turn back?
how do leaders wrestle with theology, yet still maintain a consistent message in their community

choosing to love

i just found this image and laughed. even in the 1950's, we needed books to find and keep men. i won't lie-- the eternal search for my "soul mate" consumes much of my time and energy. being a pretty constant emotional processor, i can't help but let my mind wander and consider what "man" i will end up with and what that will all be like. my suspicion is that i probably have it just a tiny bit built up in my head. i am trying my best, in light of my girlish tendency toward the romantic, to see things more realistically. or more exactly- realistic, but also hopeful.

as cheesy as i may seem, one book that has really helped me in seeing reality of this search for love (don't laugh!) is "he's just not that into you." me and some of the gals are making a night of it this friday and going to see the movie its based on. check it:




i mean honestly, what is with the eternal search for love we seem to be on?

and truly- what, really, is love?

i am finding out, through my exhaustive personal and professional research, that most times love at its best and most real comes down to choice. love in the God way, and love in the lovey valentiney way, and love in the getting married and lasting forever way. choosing to love, especially when you don't feel like it, doesn't much feel like love to me, in the traditional, conventional way i have always viewed love. but love, if it is to last, means choosing to love someone or Someone, regardless of how you emotionally feel toward them.

i often have to ask myself - have i emotionally loved anything consistently for very long? sure, i have always loved my parents, but sometimes i haven't felt like emotionally loving them, but i chose to love them anyway. i have loved some of my dear friends for a long long time, but have there been times when my emotions towards them have waned, when i wanted to back out, when i haven't felt much toward them at all? absolutely. but have I chosen to love some of them through it and made it last? yes.

but the call to live solely out of emotional love is everywhere. if you honestly ask any girl what their idea of love is, almost every single one of them will probably immediately revert to some romantic comedy story line or some tv show that caught them and unrealistically shaped what they view "love" to truly be.

how do we let go of the addiction to emotional love? not to say its wrong... emotional love is necessary to our hearts and lives, no doubt. but its not lasting. and it does not sustain. love has to be a whole lot more than just feeling affection/romance/lust toward someone. "true" love has to be more.

true love is a choice.

the ability to choose is God's gift to us ... some brilliant theologians and thinkers i have been reading and talking to have really been making me think more deeply about this lately. God's world was designed to allow for the freedom of choice. though he strongly cautioned against it, he gave his original people the choice to eat from the tree of knowledge, even though that would end up being their downfall. this might seem mean and callous, to give us an option to cause our own demise, but God was not trying to be mean and callous when he laid out the options before these people. instead of programming the people he created to do and feel exactly what he wanted at every turn, God gave us choice... this choice factors in most importantly in how we relate to him- he wanted us to be able to choose to love him, not to be forced or programmed like robots. he wanted a creation that would be able choose him, that would be able to have a real honest, reciprocal relationship with him. real love, as defined by God from the beginning, involved both parties choosing the other.

and in allowing for the choice toward him, God also allowed for the choice away from him.

so it seems, choices and love have always been risky- even from the very start.

in all of our searching, maybe in the end what we really want is to find S/someone we want to keep choosing... and to find S/someone who will keep choosing us.