three days ago calls came in and flights were boooked. my birthday became preparation and washed by. friends faithful through it, one seeing my tears and weakspots and being steady in spite. long sleepless flights, body aching. seeing her wheeled in, i put my face near hers as the sun broke in and she smiles. would this be her last october?

death feels poetic when family flocks from everywhere...when people cancel and miss and excuse and fly great distances... when tears come spontaneously, in sad and glad...when hospice nurses observe 20 people squeeze into her small soft lit room to pray "our fathers" and "hail marys" and "now i lay me down to sleep," to say nice things before she falls asleep....

death is not poetic when the amublance drivers almost drop her as they transfer her from gurney to bed.... when hours of waiting produce guilty boredom.... when she can't use the bathroom on her own... when you just let her smoke one more cigaratte because it doesnt matter at this point

she does not have enough time

there is not enough time

there is not enough time for all the music i want to listen to
there is not enough time for all the books i want to read
there is not enough time for all the magazines i subscribe to to be worth it
there is not enough time for all the amazing movies to be seen
there is not enough time for all the conversations i want to have
there is not enough time for all the questions i want answered
there is not enough time for all the places i want to see
there is not enough time for all the people i want to meet
there is not enough time for all the pages i want to absorb from the word that never fails
there is not enough time for all the ways i want to love
there is not enough time for all the things i want to learn
there is not enough time for me to sit and think
there is not enough time to cry
there is not enough time to be lazy
there is not enough time to stare out the window and wonder
there is not enough time to ride bikes in the sun
there is not enough time to absorb life happening in all the small ways around me
there is not enough time
there is not enough time
there is not enough tme
there is not enough time

she does not have enough time