2 things

1. becoming new.

each time i go to read anything this week, the same concept keeps being brought back to me: becoming new. i cannot escape it. perhaps in all the places where i am used to being the old me, i am supposed to be reminded to become new again.

i find that old "me" from christmas time... the old me wanting all the best clothes and music- to look the best and to feel the best. the old me wanting to impress my siblings, to feel wanted, to feel on top of everything. the old me just wanting acceptance for things that exist only at the surface.

i find the old "me" within cherished friendships from the past... the old me who used to act a certain way or say certain things-- the"boy crazy" me, or silly, innocent me, lives in her hometown me.

i find the old "me" in my thoughts... wondering if i will ever get married, worrying about how i look, unconcerned with things that truly matter.

i just wonder, what happens in our heads that we revert back to our old "me's" -- what circumstance or situation or setting creates a place for that old person to exist?

i do know this new "me"... i have been discovering her for the past few years and i really really like her. she doesnt care all that much about looking cool or being attractive... she is much more confident and assured than her old silly self, so much wiser and more solid than before... her thoughts are on many things, all complex and layered and intricate and not centered on selfish desires or petty "needs" all the time.

i want to become new. i want this new me. i think i know this new me.

eph 4:22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

2. mystery

i saw a dear old college friend today. we randomly ran into each other in the strangest of all places (kirkwood ski resort) and ended up riding ski lifts and snowboarding down mountains all afternoon. in one of our ski-lift length conversations, he said something that struck me: he has given up trying to figure out some of the things he was always trying to know and accepted that there are some things he will never understand. i just thought it was one of the most profoundly simple realizations we can have and let it sit with me for a while. being such an overly analytical person, i must spend most of my time in my head trying to work things out (hence this second night of sleeplessness despite total exhaustion from snowboarding all day) and am rarely ever able to admit that there are some things i will never understand.

i have had the fleeting thought over the past couple of years that we will never fully understand the mystery of our world, both inside and out. and i have even played with the idea that i can't fit God into a box: i have said that many times, actually... though the metaphor is very overused, i will admit. but i don't think i have, or am really able to at the moment, fully dwell in any of the mystery of the world, of my self, of other people and of God. but i want to just sit mystery down on the edge of my bed and have a good look at it for awhile. let myself settle in on what it seems to look like and study how it behaves.

i think i like this mystery, this unknowing.

i needed this

"The only lasting freedom from self-consciousness comes from a profound awareness that God loves me as I am, not as I should be. He loves me beyond worthiness and unworthiness, beyond fidelity and infidelity. He loves me in the morning sun and the evening rain without caution, regret, boundary, limit or breaking point; that no matter what I do, He can't stop loving me. When I am really in conscious communion with the reality of the wild, passionate, relentless, stubborn, pursuing, tender love of God in Jesus Christ for me, then it's not what I've got to or I must or I should or I ought; suddenly I want to change because I know how deeply I am loved."

Brennan Manning

suddenly outside of the in

i, for many years, have felt that i was inside. i was told by many people so many times that i was so fun and so easy to be with and just well, cool. not cool as in overly cool. not cool as in "laguna beach" cool or santa cruz surfer chick cool, but cool like just you know, down. like i could be in crowds and feel alright. like i could easily associate with anyone, make them feel alright. make friends so easily, make it all feel alright so easily.

and i am different now. just different.

i can't even say i am outside, because outside has become in. indy rock, hipster clothes, underground opinions and back alley attitudes... its all very in. and thats all slowy becoming mainstream, but teetering there somewhere in between. and i don't fit that, i am not an outsider, except to those who are inside of the out. i have become suddenly outside of the in and its really really uncomfortable. painfully so.

i think i am speaking in half terms: the grounds i speak on about being in and out are spilt in half. half i speak of culture, music, fashion, whatever. half i speak of the social circles, friendships. i don't fit the way i used to and its devastating to this once social butterfly, this once drama girl.

all i can make of it is that even the comfortableness of being "me" is being taken away. being broken down. so i can be of someone else. but if you can't be you and you can't be either inside or out, where are you then?

assignment 1: the distance between absence and excess

My roomate Bethany has taken it upon herself to assign me topics to write about. The thing about Bethany is that basically everything that comes out of her mouth is a sound bite... and not a shallow sound bite, not a throw away line, but things that just stick with you, you have to chew on them for a while to get them, and when you do (IF you do, cause sometimes they are so brilliant, she needs to explain them to you :) ) you realize that you could unpack them for a few hours, write some essays on them and then bring them up to other people as if they were your own and they would think you are just so smart-- all the while, you know inside that you are not and you are sad--but happy, too, that you know someone like her :)

Ok, so, now that you have an introduction, here we go...

Oh, wait, so you might be wondering why i need to be "assigned" things to write about... ok, the reason is.... that i can't think of good ideas on my own. I just can't. I mean, sometimes i can, but it is rare. If someone gives me a sentence, a word, a concept, anything to get me going, i can go. But sitting in front of my computer, i get nothing. i can begin on some existential idea, or how i am feeling, but i think without direction, feelings just get so messy, so cerebral, so just unclear, that they don't really stick to anything and you feel sort of cheap after you read inarticulated, unformulated, badly written feelings, because they probably mean way more to the person who wrote them than to you, the reader. I digress....



Its interesting that Bethany should give me this topic to write about, because as of late, i have been going through a subtle, but drastically needed paradigm shift... and its a shift that every fleshly bone in my body wants to resist. The sift is that I am trying to put aside excess and exist in the absence of the part of myself that craves worldliness.

Let me present a few cases in point:

1. Everytime i am in the supermarket, no matter how hard i think i am trying, i CANNOT stop looking at the supermarket tabloid magazines. I wonder if there is some sort of condition for this, because, seriously, it is a strange, sick addiction. It begins innocently enough. You just glance over.... "hmmm, i wonder what is going on with Brad and Angelina... oh wait, new news on Jessica and Nick!!... ohh, let me have a look here at another" and then its over. You have to look at every magazine cover out there, every tantalizing headline, every exclusive pic (though they all look waaaaay too photoshopped to be real anyways). And eventually you just have to grab one, flip through it and there it is, you have fully emmersed yourself in the alternate universe known as "celebrity culture"... you greedily soak up all the glossy, pictures of the beautiful people, you read the little articles about their spending habits and their parties and their weddings and divorces and... ugh, it makes my stomach turn over a bit just reliving it. You do this for the 3-5 minutes you are waiting in line (sometimes its shorter, if your boyfriend gives you a hard time for getting sucked in and then you have to put the mag back and defend yourself that you just wanted to see the film reviews or, uh, whatever) and then the minute you get your change and walk out the door, you realize what you have done. And you just get sad because of it, since you promised yourself you wouldn't perpetuate the whole sick cycle anymore. The thing is, that in your stronger moments, you have recognized the pitfalls of celebrity culture. For you (because some people can remain healthy in their relationship with celebrity culture), you know that its not a good thing to begin tangling yourself up in the "news" you find in these magazines (or on E! or VH1 or the gossip section of MSN.com or whatever other outlet you can find). I think what happens to me (i am back to first person, its hard to go in 2nd person for so long), is that i start seeing what i never will have. I am seeing what i will never look like. I am recognizing who i will never be. And because i will never have it, somehow I want it. And in deeper introspection, i realize that the ideal of being beautiful and rich is not even what i should want in the first place. Its not bad to want to be attractive or to want to be stable financially, but its not what we should want in excess or over anything else. So i am doubly screwed, since i am wanting something i can't have and then seeing that i am wanting something i shouldn't want.

Proverbs 11:28 Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf.


2. Secondly, clothes. Further, hair. In addition, makeup. In a word: beauty. There is another haunting reality i am facing: you know how you go to your closet sometimes and no matter how many possible outfit combinations stare back at you, you cannot figure out WHAT TO WEAR?! This is me, nearly every morning. For some reason, even if i have just washed everything i own or just bought a new tank last week... it takes me so long to figure it out. And then, after way too long figuring out what to put on my body, i have to then tackle the hair. Now, though i get it cut at a very sassy salon by a very hipster hairstylist, my hair never ceases to anger/disatisfy/frustrate me every morning. And i don't even want talk about my face, cause its never enough, there is always an uimperfection here, a zit under there... and the color is too pale, the nose too big. And though i spend the better part of an hour getting ready, i still walk out of my house not quite sure that i look good enough. And for what? Desire? Acceptance? Really, deep down, what is it i am trying to accomplish every morning?

Proverbs 31:30Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.



SO, what do these examples have to do with the distance between absence and excess? and shifting a paradigm? Second things first. The paradigm i am trying so hard to change, the way i have lived for so long, is the pattern of thinking that says, somehow, that what i have and what i look like are what define me. Its such a freaking cliche, "all you need is love," "money is the root of all evil," etc etc and i know that, but its so real right now for me.

I feel that this season, this time, is so definitive for me. I feel for the first time since i turned 18, like a real adult and i want to begin my adulthood with healthy thinking, with truth, with a paradigm that i can be proud of, that God could be proud of. I want to be defined by who i am, who i am made to be, not with the things i can earn or do. I don't think i have quite figured it all out yet, how to shift, to shift and not go back. But i am trying real hard. i hope that the image i am made in can be the image i see. That the riches i received for free can be all i need.

And back to the assignment:

The distance between absence and excess is... nothing. Because excess is absence.... it is absent of value, of meaning, absent of anything. And the only absence we need is that of the part of our self which makes us believe we need more than what we have so graciously been given.

in pursuit of illumination

in pursuit of illumination, one must ignore any sense of their own nature and commit to the diligent task of denying everything they would normally want or do.

in pursuit of what is only light and without any sort of darkness, you become incredibly lonely and afraid at times, realizing that in pursuing light, you are implicity existing in and out of darkness.

What does the light need?

If you ask the most trusted and reliable source of information (google), it will tell you that:

the light needs a source
the light needs polishing
the light needs to be switched on where people issues and attitudes cause organizations to stumble
the light needs a little work

But sometimes light needs to be slowed down so that signals can be routed in the right direction

It would seem that if you pursue illumination too quickly, your speed will extinguish what you are pursuing.

and so i am still.

i guess i will have to listen to them

i have to write. justin tells me, josh tells me, hannah told me all the time. my mom. dan in his sly way.

but what do i say?

I have to give up on lamenting about the lack of words there are out there in the world and just accept it. And write. More than I do.

Here is something i wrote the other day as part of an exercise at the staff retreat. We each wrote 'missionary letters' as if we were going out into the mission field and were asking for prayer/financial support from people. Mine turned into a blog entry.


MISSION 2005

Santa Cruz Stats:

In 2000, Santa Cruz’s population exceeded 255,000 people, with the racial majority being white. The Latino/Hispanic population is gaining in numbers and expected to rapidly increase in the next 15 years. Thirty four percent of the population is under 24 and 40% is aged 25-44. The religious make up of Santa Cruz is largely “unclaimed”, with an increasing number of alternative faiths each year. UC Santa Cruz has over 14,000 students, with only around 200 actively participating in any sort of on campus Christian organization. With a wide range of industries and occupations, Santa Cruz’s personality is often known as “weird” an eclectic city with an artsy flair and affinity for the unusual and under-appreciated. Highly educated, health-minded and every hippies dream, the city is a unique haven for those wanting to travel off the beaten path.


The roots of “religion” in Santa Cruz

Founded in 1850, Santa Cruz is one of the original cities in California. The mission built in the area preceded California’s statehood in 1850 and was completed in 1794. Before it was even completed, Mission Santa Cruz had already been attacked and partially burned by the Native American tribes in the area, who were reacting to the violent attempts by the missionaries to “convert” the original inhabitants of Santa Cruz. The brutal assassination of one of the original mission priests in 1812 seems to have set the tone for Santa Cruz’s often hostile attitude toward those claiming to be followers of Jesus. Then in 1857, a series of earthquakes ended up destroying the original Mission.

There is nothing left of the original Mission.

A new MISSION:

Despite two large non-denominational churches drawing large numbers of the over-35 crowd, Santa Cruz joins most of America in its declining number of people under 25 being part of any church. People are taking notice, though, and in 1996, Dan Kimball and Josh Fox endeavored to reach this age group with a re-envisioned idea of “church” and Graceland was birthed as a service of SCBC. Eventually, the idea of this service becoming its own church was realized and Vintage Faith Church, a full-fledged church plant, began its own gatherings in early 2004. After almost 2 years, it’s grown beyond a large college-age crowd and into an increasingly dynamic community.
Though at its heart, Vintage Faith Church remains similar theologically to its mother-church, the approach it takes to reaching those in Santa Cruz and beyond is as unique as the area in which is exists. Becoming a “WORSHIPING COMMUNITY OF MISSIONAL THEOLOGIANS” is at its heart, and BEING the church rather than GOING to church has become its hearts cry. As any missionary would study its culture, become familiar with its people and plan to strategically introduce the teachings of Jesus to those who are “unreached,” Vintage Faith Church sees itself as a collection of “missionaries”, essentially, an entire church on a mission. On a mission to change the way Santa Cruz thinks of Christianity. On a mission to be a community that loves others (in and out of the church) the way Jesus did. On a mission to BE JESUS to and in Santa Cruz.

A new Mission.

So, how’s it goin’?

After almost 2 years on staff with Vintage Faith Church, I have been increasingly amazed at how God works, despite our greatest successes and because of our greatest failures. After committing myself to God in the summer of 2000, my faith has never been tested as much as in the last year. And has never grown as much either. As I see it, only part of my “mission” has to do with what VFC has been doing: my personal walk with God, my interactions in family and friendships, and my everyday life are all part of the mission God has me on. But it’s been because of the mission of VFC and the people who help lead it, that I have been able to truly see how connected all of these aspects of my life truly are and how I must continually see my own life, wherever God has me living, working and playing, as a mission for Him.

girl interrupted

ok, so it is a foggy thursday and i am alone in the office and couldn't be happier. yesterday was one of those days where every 7 minutes a new distraction made me feel like i was slowly losing my mind. today, the silence is soothing me.

As I enjoy my silence, what its killing me is how addicted to comfort i am and how much i hate being interrupted from what is normal. You see, I have been meeting pretty regulalry with "H", a passionate, articulate, intelligent and wonderful woman who is a true spiritual seeker in every sense of the world. She has opened up her life and heart to me in so many ways and i cant believe the place i have in her life, as a confidant, a friend, a fellow dweller of "below the surface" life.

Everytime we hang out, I am overjoyed and refreshed to be with her, but the hours leading up to our meetings, I am filled with a sense of being so uncomfortable, like somehow i can't quite shake the feeling that i am going into an unknown place, an place where its not all easy and familiar. I feel like all my normal, comfortable ways are interrupted from their easy course. Its been like this consistently with her and yet, consistently i have been wrenched out of my expectation of the uncomfortable and by being with her, a new breath has been breathed into me, a new sight, a new view.

Last night was another epic night with H... she confided in me some of her struggles, she expressed her love of learning, she opened up about her confusion in defining her own morality... and it was so easy. I always feel like we could talk for hours and hours and hours.

My favorite parts of the talk were

us expressng our fear of change and the future (its easier to do what you have
always done, because to do something new is unknown and you never know how it
will turn out... thus why we stay in our patterns and don't grow)

exploring the reason its hard to connect with people sometimes (our
theory: many people live on "the surface" or even a gelatonous next layer
somewhere between the surface and the depths... what we prefer is to swim around
in the depths below the surface, to explore the unknown, to ask questions, to
keep seeing new things, to keep learning and growing)

the role of the
body and the mind (just because our bodies want things doesn't mean they are
right... we CAN discipline our bodies and we must, or we will only act on
instinct and impulse)

...and even the mutual addiction to the
comfortable (we all want what's immediately most comfortable to us, and we
default back to what we know is comfy, even if in our mind we know its not
right)

Epic nights like last night with H are another confirmation of how deeply i must cherish my friends. You dont meet people like H often and you don't have connections like this everyday.

The connection with H interrupts me and conjurs some phantom loss of comfort, but i love being a girl, interuppted for such a friendship as this.

i am trying...

i am trying all my best to make it up to you for such inconsistency in my writing... you see, i am quite verbose, quite unable to make sense of everything and fit it so neatly into a box on a blog. Why is the lemon jelly man so good at it?

I have had quite a month: grieving all the goodbyes, joyous welcomes to friends from afar (yeah guests from the UK!!), tragedies which God somehow so quickly redeems.

I will tell you this much... i can't tell you enough.

An interesting mix of things i have been learning.

1. How to say Goodbye well: I think a lot has to do with recognizing what the person has been in your life and reminding them of exactly what they mean to you... long letters usually do it for me. Throwing parties is good, with a love chair where the honored person sits in a chair and everyone in the room goes around and says how much they love/appreciate/cherish/admire/respect the sitter of the love chair. that one is a winner when it comes to making someone feel special.

2. Just when you think you can't take much more, you get more... and you know, you can survive it. Its weird, i don't get it, but its true

3. A little time each day goes a long way... I have spent the last week spending a little time each night before bed reading Oswald and writing out prayers and an undeniable peace arises in me the next morning knowing that i have set aside time to just stop. I hate the quiet time cliche, but its really real to me right now.

4. Everyone can be an amazing photographer, and its all because of the digital camera revolution. Bethany said that, so I take no credit. See above picture :)

5. Seeing Coldplay twice in one week makes you hungry to hang out on Camden Rd in London and get to know the guys a bit more. I really want to just pick Chris Martin's brain, not because he is hot or talented or famous, but because he seems so genuine and thats what i think we all want in a friend.

6. Confrontation should not be an easy or a fun thing... if it is, your heart is not in the right place. You should feel uncomfortable doing it, because you should care about the person you are confronting enough to know that it will be hard for them to hear what you are saying. Perhaps in empathy, healing comes more readily.

7. San Francisco is farther away than you would think.

8. No matter how much i try, i become more and more uneasy in the "world"... not because i am becoming "of" it, but because my heart still remembers what it is like being "of" and then it just aches when it is "in" and still doesn't know how to balance it all out.

9. WHAT, I HOPE IT WASN'T ON MY COAT... its so funny in so many ways and situations and its the best that only Ames and Jus know what i mean.

10. i love good bands and i love good drives and i love good kisses... i won't lie.

more soon, i promise

too many goodbyes

i have said goodbye to 3 dear friends in the last 2 weeks and my heart is very sad. i don't quite know what to feel or think... its like losing something you can't replace, but also then losing your emotions about the losing as well. I may not be making sense. i wish i had more time to think, to feel. i know i am lost in the swirl of this season, most of it feels so disjointed... i forget how much all of this shows on my face. here is to sunnier days

the sun and the river finally come through

yep, the sun finally broke in sun river and boy do i love it!! its really beautful here, i must admit. I don't think i would buy a house here, but staying here for free is great. we river rafted all day yesterday and, as my dear friend Holly has expressed, there is just something about the river. i miss it, strangely, even though its only the 2nd time i have rafted, i really really love it.

I am a different person here. We are a group of 9: 2 my parents, 4 my siblings, 2 significant others of my siblings and 1 me. its been so long since we all spent time together in one place and i feel caught in who i used to be (reminds me of recent struggles to live out my "new" identity in Him, which is ever evolving). I am more quiet, less to say and less to contribute i feel. I feel almost completely opposite of the person i am at home and work. so different. i don't know if anyone from that world would know this person. its hard and good, exploring this other part of me, but i am still adjusting to this new skin.

so rafting, rafting was just amazing. out in the middle of the oregon desert, hot and dusty, but this lush little river winding its way through the brown. we got up really early again and i was my usual bright and sunny morning self ;)... we drove out for about 1.5 hours into this desert, jacketed up and jumped onto the river. all this movement, i need more of it. i am so still at home, the only muscle getting a good workout is my brain (followed closely by my fingers typing all day :) ). I loved just floating there, listening to our animated guide telling antidotes and jokes, all of us sort of silently listening, but still so tired from the early morning. We hit a few rapids, very chill, the sun and the scenery making up for the easy waters. The best parts of the day were when we got to a few 4-6 foot drops in the river and had to all row into them and then huddle towards the middle so we wouldn't fall out, me screaming and giggling in fear and delight. River "surfing" was amazing, getting the raft caught in the current going over a huge rock and sort of just sitting in the little suction it creates... its almost like sinking the boat on purpose, water gushing all over everyone and at the very last minute you get pulled out, everyone so happy we nearly sunk the thing. i can't explain why, but this was just the most fun, but made the least sense... so it is at times.

increasingly, i got more comfortable with being there, less in the shell and more out to be with everyone, but not over them. we laughed a lot after we "surfed" the same spot about 5 times and me and my sister were nearly sucked into the river while simultaneously we were being run over by another raft who didn't see us surfing. we were pretty much the most raucous raft out there, which i like, since i am a wanna-be rebel a lot of times. We then came to a "human rapid" which was a place where we could safely get out of the boat and get sucked into the rapids ourselves. There were dozens of red and yellow "lemmings" in the water too, other groups who were on the river jumping into it all together. We joined them and again, i could not stop laughing and screaming, the 50 degree water a shock to my sun drenched skin. We did it three times, i loved it, i couldn't get enough of jumping into the rapid water, being sucked into the white rapids and then swimming as hard as i could to the shore. I want to go again right now, i loved it so much and it feels like a sort of addiction now.

This morning, we got massages,which sounds teribly posh considering the state of most of the world. My massage woman was nice and as much as I wanted to stay silent, we got to talking, mostly about her son and college, the economy, housing prices etc. It finally came out that I worked in a church and she seemed happy, but did not ask more about it. We talked about the state of the world, the poverty and how utterly devastating it was. She just kept saying that all we can do is just take care of ourselves and do what we can that it right in front of us. She said ultimately all that matters is that we take care of ourselves, because if we don't do that, then we would never be able to help others. She did say that she knew without a doubt that whoever we believe in (i assume she meant whatever God we believe in) that they had a plan, that everything had a plan and that sometimes we can't understand it and we hust have to keep hoing. I agreed with her on that, and I added that perhaps in taking care of ourselves, we sometimes needed to take care of others in order to feed our own soul, in order to grow. She sort of dismissed it and just said we will hurt a lot of people in life and we just need to remember our intentions in the first place. The key, she said a few times, is to be open-minded.

I find it fascinating how easily the life philosophy's of people get revealed, even in one hour massages. I am fascinated at how much you can know of someone's views so quickly. She seems to share the similar widely held, but vague beliefs that a lot of people share. a vague outline of some Christ's teaching, but caught in the fog somewhere. General, but not clear. So interesting.

in the river of sun

i am being told to write about what its like to walk around in oregon. its really beauitful actually, quite stunning, but normal. Really nature-y, you know, but it sometimes seems sort of Truman Show-esque, like its outside, but really really clean, all the rows and rows of trees and the water is really clear. Its like suburban woods, but its real, though, you know?

i borrowed "the call" from a friend, one of the only ones who reads this blog regularly (i left you a note, nabajuice :) ) and i was struck by this quote... (am i turning into grace squared or what?)

True seekers are different. On meeting them you feel their purpose, their energy, their integrity, their idealism, and their desire to close in on an answer. Something in life has awakened questions, has made them aware of a sense of need, has forced them to consider where they are in life. They have become seekers because something has spurred their quest for meaning and they have to find an answer.

True seekers are looking for something. They are people for whom life or a part of life, has suddenly become a point of wonder, a question, a problem, or a crisis. This happens so intensely that they are stirred to look for an answer beyond their present answers and to clarify their position in life. However the need arise, whatever it calls for, the sense of need consumes searchers and launches them on their quest. Notice that “a sense of need” does not justify peoples believing. People do not come to believe in the answers they seek because of the need- that would be irrational and make the believer vulnerable to the accusation that faith is a crutch. Rather, seekers disbelieve in what they believed before because of new questions their previous beliefs could not answer. Os Guiness “The Call”

I do believe i met a true seeker a few weeks ago and we had lunch right before i left for vacation. it was refreshing to talk with her, to hear what she is so passionate about and how intelligent and engaging and real she is. I cannot believe that i get to know her and just be part of her true seeking. what a gift.

up early on Sat morning, really early, actually... up early enough to borrow "the call" from the office in sc and be back in sv in time to leave for out 9 hour drive to oregon. it was easy, passing quickly, i didn't drive at all. i talked with my stepmom and sister much of the time and i love their minds and heart. i love them so much. they were so anxious about the rest of the family flying up in my dads 4seater plane. i wasn't really worried- i guess death feels like it would be a relief, so i am not scared of it as much. but i am sometimes. maybe i was tired. i journaled the last 2 pages in my journal and it felt good for it to be over, done, a completion.


one thing that struck me as we saw oregon today was the quote "why did you have to pick a christianity which sends people to hell? why didn't you chose a different, more liberal one? why not another religion with different values?"

and i cannot answer for the life of me, because.....

i feel like it chose me

and i have no way of explaining how or why....



it just did.

sf on the 4th  

in high-def

Every single person has a story. What a gift, an absolute undeserved gift to share in such stories these last 24 hours or so. God has literally placed in front of me 4 different people at varying stages of their understanding and journey with God and allowed me to peak into the rough draft of the chapter they are currently hashing through.

And its not been just anyone, you see, but 4 especially picked out for me. (oh its 1:17am and so much to do tomorrow, but i can feel the words pouring now)

For so long, i feel like i haven't been able to see anything, not myself or anyone around me, not even those closest to me. Of course you catch glimpses, of course there are moments the fog breaks a bit, but not for long and not much. But so much now, its all in high definition.... well parts of it, at least. Like dreams I have had, flying, soaring and seeing all below so closely and then suddenly everything from on high...

there is this beautiful, beautiful clarity.

A week long with events, and mine is least expected and so welcomed. JLFo welcomed a new Mrs into his life at the windy, sun drenched 14th avenue near their home, Panda and his Mrs welcomed a new life this morning. Eloquently worded woman next door prepares for adventures far from here and the Hair goes across the globe to tell about whats he's learned here in little sunny SC. And here I am feeling more full than i have in so long but with so little to report. But so much has happened.

Sunday, out of nowhere a girl i had never met before wrapped me up in questions that illuminated this knowledge I have carried around for 5 years now but have let lie dormant so much of the last few years. In all the words and realizations and shared commonality we had, she was somehow reminding me of why i began in the first place. Questions of who was this God to begin with and what is he all about? Is he a person? What is grace? Her desire to know and her searching through all of this mystery just turned this light in me outwards and I felt alive in ways you can't feel alive without just this sort of thing.

Today, nearing the end of my normal work day, after the normal laughter and silly banter we all share, after all the emails and all the details and all the small things, and the Hair having about 4 heartattacks, i make 3 calls. In the next hour, I am able to speak with 3 more who would help my light turned outward shine even more brightly than I am even able to understand. How can I share such intimate, intricate, illuminating things? How much do I say? How much can I say? As they happened, a thousand clear blue descriptions of these moments flashed before me, each such a perfect vignette of how this should be. I undeservedly stumbled upon these 3 so ready to share with me, so eager to talk and hash through things and be vulnerable, see-through.

Then my father and I had dinner and he became the 5th to make the light blinding. Without effort, without a second thought, i felt it all flowing out again. Like breathing, and it was so beautiful. I am no scholar, but Scripture I had learned and insights from Nouwen and DeMello were coming out of me, weaving a beautiful tapestry for him to see in a new view all he had regarded as so dead and gone for so long.

In all of this, i realized so much about me...

I woke up to this part of me that wants to "shepherd", to gather each of these and the so many others who i have talked with this past month who are hungry to be part of something, and just make something happen. To create a safe place for questions, a new place for things to grow, a rich place for people to walk away from different than when they came. A sanctuary.

I saw that after so much diligent prayer and so much yearning to be used "missionally" its not actually about me or my timing, but waiting on His. And in this time, so much more is seen and said. So much more learned and brightened and taken away

I also saw so clearly why a light should not be hidden under a bowl, why salt cannot lose its taste... and i saw how i have been dark and flavorless without even knowing it. Being placed to be light and salt is so mysteriously for others and for God and for us.

For others to feel the body move and to see its reality,

for God to glorify who He is

for us because we need it....

if we exist to live for Him and others, where are we when we are dark and without anything for others to taste? Are we even living at all?

I know the come down from this will be hard, I am so high up. I have a thousand more things to say, so much i have seen in this new light.

I am going to hope the longer i have the rest of this rumbling around up here, the richer it will be when i pour it out again.

eclectic by association

I am sorry to be so infrequent with you.

I spent time with faithful bloggers tonight and I want to join their world. I know much of what is awake in them is still sleeping in me. But being with them tonight made parts of me toss and turn. I felt eclectic by proximity, creative by association. Just listening to the languid, easy conversation, I want to write and write and write. Muse on interesting observations. I want to paint my thoughts. "It feels good having you here" was in my head all night.

What's been going on? I don't have all the energy I need to make it happen for you.

But tonight, oh, tonight, I felt less sleepy, more awake then ever. Just from start to finish, the moment I got to the office till I pulled away from it, was perfect in all its neat imperfection. I love our little community, with all its quirks, every bit of beauty and pain, always ever ongoing. Just how we all fit together, every faithful hand and face in all the right places. People so committed, so easily part of things. So much was right tonight in our big expansive room, recrafted and rebuilt week after week, people pouring out so much just to make it just right.

Watching the big M, tears welled up on my eyes, every one of her perfectly, messily placed words. Like watching someone paint a masterpiece without even blinking, every word was just right. I long to be so easy and rich in my words as she is. She is so much of how I am eclectic by association. Could I ever be part of that world?

I had spent much of last week in the hot/frozen midwest. My family, broken, in pain, removed, emptied from all of the harshness of life, ate up my insides. I wanted so much to just fix every problem, soothe every fear, make every pain easier with my wisdom and advice. But I was in stunned silence. Even full of contempt at times. I so easily judge them, but I neglect my own big issues.

The drama climaxed Friday morning, when I innocently asked why there was infant baptism. I should have sensed that my question would scratch the surface of a giant, boiling cauldron of hot magma waiting to explode at first touch (i hate my metaphors, where is justin when I need him? :) ). The room instantly turned into a giant theological debate about salvation, hell, mortal sin, and more and raged for a solid hour. Every one of my aunts took turns making points against me and my mothers "saved by grace" stand point and it all ended without resolution. The worst part was that about 8 of my young cousins, all attending religious schools, were listening to the argument, which offered little hope of an answer or of hope or much of anything at all. I tried to raise the point that over everything we should all try to be more like Jesus, but it was met with more argument and point proving. I still feel in a cloud about it all.

I know that heated debates are inevitable and that I may leave them with more questions than answers, but I guess somehow with family, its harder.

All I know is that I am hopeful and greatful for another year in Santa Cruz.

Lord,
My haunting ever-presence
Lord I can't find you in my hidden heart

I come to you with faith and distraction

I have these same flip-flops and my wavy hair
But I am tired of my outside

Do I impress you with my beauty Lord?
Can I ever lie to you, Lord?

I have your presence Lord
when I smile, when I walk, when I glance in a reflection

I have this desk Lord
and a thousand doubts as I work aroundm on top under and inside of it

Tonight I am angry and let down
Tonight, I can't hide Lord
and I feel lost and distracted

All this activity and no movement

I want this changed and over
and to never wander back home the same way again

I am unsure now,
Now that you show me my darkness and the chaos.


(Thank you Molly for the inspiration)

jimmy! 

we meet jimmy

me, dan and josh met the drummer from jimmy eat world this past tuesday. josh and i were giddy little kids running around backstage at their concert, eating free food, saying hi to people and being just general dorks. dan sat cooly on the special sectioned off bleachers, looking very much the rock star. we met cool bass players from bands and nice girls who helped coordinate programs for the university where the concert was. we even saw signs to jimmy's dressing room! signs.

the show was great, me and josh in the pit, all sweaty and gross, people crowd surfing and being sort of violent in a fun way (if that is possible). afterwards, we sat with dan in the bleacers and zach, the drummer, came to find us. Well not us so much as dan. he recognized dan's hair first. we talked for about 10 minutes and he had to go. he was so nice, so normal. very very cool guy, humble and just so normal! it was disarming and comforting all at once.


here is a picture of me and josh and zach. i am doing my best pirate face, (one eyed raptor, argh!) and josh is very happy because zach has a joke demo in hand.

you know it

this is the place!!!