robert mulholland says

"human life is, by its very nature, spiritual formation. the question is not whether to undertake spiritual formation. the question is what kind of spiritual formation are we already engaged in? are we being increasingly conformed to the brokenness and disintegration of the world, or are we being increasingly conformed to the wholeness and integration of the image of Christ?"

three letter word

I feel like my life revolves around the simplest thing, this one three letter word ... God. My life is about knowing God, loving God, trusting God, choosing God, cultivating my relationship with God, being a conduit for God to other people. And it is very clear that this is my primary purpose, this focus on and relationship to and becoming like God. But, if this one little word is all my life is about, why why why does life feel so complicated and confusing and cloudy so much of the time? Why is it so easy to lose track and feel utterly lost?

In most conversations with my married, dating and single girlfriends, we spend hours analyzing our future/potential/actual mates. What does it mean when he does or says this? Why is he acting interested but doesn't do anything about it? What if he decides there is someone more beautiful or interesting out there and leaves me? We circle around these questions and fears, worrying and fretting that we need to do more or be more in order to be loved and kept. We long for this deep connection, this deep sense of being known, the moment of ultimate safety and acceptance, that final confirmation that we have found the right person at the right time and we can stop the search, stop the fears and finally "be happy." But is being "happy" really the goal of our long search? Do our hearts simply become satisfied with this "happiness" once we get married/find the one/live "happily" ever after?

My sinking suspicion is that there is more. Well, in fact, my experience, as limited as it feels, is that there is more. Not that it is wrong to want to find a partner, and not that these fears aren't very real. But its the motivation underneath the search that gets me thinking, that causes me to wonder what it is i am really looking for. For about a year now, I have had this idea in my head that when I do finally say "I do", I want it to be because what I see in the person I am with is not only someone who understands me and loves me and accepts me, but that I see someone who truly encourages me and exhorts me to be the woman God has made me to be. I want that person to passionately pursue who they are in Christ, to not give up on growth and change and discovery... and I want to be a person who helps encourage them to become the man God has them to be. And together, I want us to be a couple who is willing to do whatever God leads us to do, to become who ever God has us to become, and to serve wherever and whoever God has us to serve. I want our life together to be about this one simple thing: God.

In the midst of thinking all this, of letting these ideas and thoughts and dreams be processed through the intense machine that is my brain, my friend Lee has brain surgery. His wife posted this morning on the update blog the following:

Now that Lee's condition is stable, I want to share about our journey through a spiritual lens. Since the moment that we found out about Lee's lesion on Friday, God's presence has prevailed. There have been so many evidences of Him that have been occurring in the past 6 days. Every time I see one, I am quick to give God thanks. As Lee was in surgery, I was writing them all down in my journal, giving thanks, because I don't want to forget one of them. Among them all, and they are still coming, I want to highlight two profound ways that God has personally been evident. As the urgent care doctor told us the news of this mass in Lee's brain, I felt JOY (God, how are you going to use this for your kingdom purposes?) and PEACE (God, we trust and depend on you).

As for JOY, Friday night as I lay in bed, I began to survey the landscape of all the possible outcomes of Lee's situation from ideal to worse case scenario. I began to see the joy and sorrow that would come with each one and the possible ways that God could be glorified with each. I later told Lee and on another occasion (Josh and Dani Fox and Alex Chiuko) that I felt like I was trying clothes on in front of a mirror seeing what each one looked like, a little glimpse into each scenario. God could be glorified in every one, which made them equally powerful for God's purposes, making each one a viable possibility. When Lee and I officially started dating in college back at UC Davis, making the move from best friends to clearly stated romantic intentions, we sat together in an over sized beanbag chair in front of a large fish tank in the late night, prayerfully committing our relationship to God and his purposes, willing to be used in any way by God. I found myself reminded of that promise as Lee and I are now in another season where God is clearly at work. I told God last Friday night that I surrendered Lee totally and completely to Him in every way and that we today, 26 years later from that night at UC Davis, are still his servants at his disposal to be used in any way for the sake of the gospel. My prayer is that God be glorified and my desire and prayer is that He be glorified through Lee sticking around on earth for a long time.

As for PEACE, I have been on a personal journey of transformation in this area over the last 6 years and God has been preparing me for this moment. When I was recently teaching on Peace to the women of Soul Food in our most recent study on Philippians, I shared that I had failed to find God's peace in a very trying and extended challenging circumstance. I was disappointed that I could not say that "it was well with my soul." My disappointment turned to motivation to seek God's peace, the peace that passes all understanding, that guards our hearts and minds (Philippians 4:7). I wanted to be ready for the next challenging circumstance so that I could say confidently, "It is well with my soul". And there it came, Friday afternoon, sitting with the urgent care doctor. I heard the news and I thought, "it is well with my soul." Thank you God...you are so good. You are faithful to complete the good work that you have started in me (Philippians 1:6). I was content and at peace, because I knew that God would supply the strength that I needed to get through any of the upcoming scenarios. I want to quote from the Philippians Bible study by Becky Kimball regarding the verse in Philippians 4:13 that says, I can do everything through him who gives me strength. She writes " So through the strength provided by Jesus, Paul is equipped for contentment... So (too it is with us), you and I don't have to be products of our environment or our circumstances or even our human nature. We have everything we need, through Jesus, to live a life that reflects His character...We are invited into a second-by-second, closer-than-your-skin experience of God in which we are never abandoned or ignored or simply left to our own devices." If left to my own devices, I would have failed again as I had done in my previous challenging circumstance. But here I sit today, completely content and at peace because God will supply everything I need to deal with life whether it is with Lee fully restored to health, Lee in a compromised state of health, or Lee gone on to glory to live with Jesus.

And sitting there, reading the update this morning, I found a picture of what i have been thinking in my head, an example of the kind of person i want to be as i go through this life, an example of the kind of couple i can only hope to be part of one day.

brief on vegas

Two weeks ago, on a whim, I RSVP-ed last minute to an invite by a friend to go away to Vegas for the weekend to celebrate his college graduation. The allure of a weekend by the pool in the sun with a bunch of fun people sucked me in and I went with it. I sort of let the debauchery, gambling and notoriously seedy reputation of Vegas slip to the back of my mind and when we finally packed up the car and got on the road, I was excited to go.

Before visiting Vegas, I had only vague assumptions about what it was actually like. It was at once this legendary place I was sort of curious about (having loved Swingers and Oceans 11/12/13 and that whole Rat Pack vibe), while at the same time it seemed to be the embodiment of all I despise about the world (or America at least).

And I won’t say that all of the Vegas experience was bad. I loved the people I went with, they were fun and easy and good people to be around. Being a big, roving, parentless family set free for the weekend in a wonderland of distraction, entertainment and leisure was enjoyable, almost against the rules in a way. Fitting 14 people in a two bed suite for the weekend gave us the feeling of getting away with something akin to TP-ing your friends house or sneaking candy into a movie. Largely harmless, but somewhat against the rules, the little thrill of rebellion made us feel clever and crafty all at once.

So for the fortune of good company and the getting away for a few days and the 4 hours at the “beach” and the getting dressed up and the fantastic Mexican dinner and the MGM lions and some really great conversations, I am grateful. These all made the trip entirely worthwhile, so I won’t regret going. But for the sake of being truthful to myself and my experience, I must say that when I think of darkness and indulgence and the generally depraved state of the human race (specifically in regard to sexuality and money), I will recall my time walking the Vegas strip to help me more viscerally understand what that really means. After just a couple hours walking down the strip, I was exposed to an almost constant barrage of pornography, drunkenness, greed, indulgence and grandeur (the bad kind).

Yes, one could argue that I am slightly sheltered, working for a church and considering a game night at home with dessert just as much fun as a trip to the city for a concert. Sure, so perhaps that made me more affected than most. But I am grateful to be so sheltered as to have been shocked by the darkness of Vegas. I want my sexuality and my identity and my value for hardwork and my growing love for frugality to all remain in tact, and even on the innocent side, as I get older. I’d rather view the world with eyes of wonder and discovery than be so de-sensitized and “experienced” that nothing is new anymore.

Being thrown from one extreme to another was a good reminder, too, of how affected we are by our environments. By the end of my last day, I was so disgusted by the oversexed images I had been exposed to that I felt dirty just wearing a skirt and completely grossed out at the thought of even just kissing my boyfriend. Instead of tempting me, Vegas made sex look cheap and artificial, a commodity to seized and consumed rather than a gift to be given and received between two people committed to each other in every way.

I will give Vegas credit, though, in its ability to value entertainment and spectacle- I wish I had enough money to afford some of those amazing shows and I loved the fact that so much creativity and artistic expression was readily available for people to enjoy. Granted, some of that entertainment included some pretty washed up comedians, but that’s ok, right? At least they are working.

All this to say, I appreciated being invited and I enjoyed the friends I got to have the experience with. If I could take away all the sex/porn stuff, and the lack of natural lighting and the smoke and the drunkenness and the addictions and all the other seedy things infesting Vegas, I could see myself really enjoying it out there. and i will credit Vegas with an inspiration to write more. Me and my friend Brian U. decided to encourage each others creative output but committing to blogging once a week. So here is my first, Brian, sorry its so late :)