Hungry for Change: Part 4... Perspective

Though I have found this to be a dynamic and thought-provoking experience, I am ready for it to be over. It's has definitely gotten physically easier for us as the days go on, and I don't feel the consistent hunger pangs I had the first couple of days. However, I still struggle with the limited menu and keeping myself reigned in when all I want to do eat is something, ANYTHING but oatmeal, beans and rice.

On the evening of Day 3, we visited with another set of friends over in San Jose. We met them at a coffeeshop and all drank tea together-- they were eager to hear what new diet prevented us from sharing dinner with them. (side note, once settled into our conversation, we realized that this coffeeshop suffered from what Portlandia calls "Bad Art, Good Walls"- see picture for example) We explained what we were doing with HFC this week and they thought it was a really innovative and interesting concept. One of these friends has struggled for the last couple of years with an unknown illness that has wreaked havoc on her digestive system, causing her body to reject most of the food she tried to eat and leaving her to go for sometimes weeks at a time with little to no food. The illnesses effects are evident in her massive weight loss and her and her boyfriends inability to go to many social events and outings. She, of anyone, could understand what we were experiencing-- even more than us, she has suffered over the course of months and months, has been unable to have control over her food and really, her life for so long, I can't imagine how she must feel. I felt suddenly ridiculous for complaining about 5 days of not eating much, knowing how deeply and profoundly she has suffered. But what I love and what gives me such hope (and even shows me how deeply real God is), is that instead of complaining or lamenting or even calling us out on our (now obviously) petty whining, she shared that because of her prolonged period of experiencing that hunger, she is dedicated to doing something with her life that can help people who are hungry around the world. Her eyes lit up when she shared this, and she said it in a way that was so matter of fact, so decided, it struck me that this was exactly what she would do.

Day 4 was more of a mixed experience for us. By about 6pm, we were dreading another bowl of rice & beans, and by 7:30pm, we were ready to go to sleep. Our energy just felt so depleted. We dragged ourselves out to a friends' concert and though the music was great and we had tons of friends around, I kept getting distracted by the bowls of chips & salsa and the slices of delicious cake being served at the venue. I wanted one SO BAD. It's all I could think of at times, especially when I wasn't engaged in conversation or absorbed in the music... food. food. food. I think more than a physical challenge, Hungry for Change is a mental challenge... training my mind to not think of things I wasn't allowed to have, training my thoughts to divert to other things besides the hunger and longing. It's incredible how powerful the mind is. I even dreamed of food that night, waking up to realize that we still had 2 more days and my portioned oatmeal serving was just waiting for me in the kitchen.

Hungry for Change: Part 3... what helps the hunger?

After some encouraging texts/notes from a few others who have undertaken this challenge, I was anticipating a better Day 3. And, don't ya know it, they were right! Actually, things got better even sooner than that.

We got home around 5:30pm on Day 2, and could hardly wait til our proposed 6:30pm mealtime. Instead of spending time snacking or preparing food, we just drank tea and read books... for some reason, we didn't even feel motivated to flip on the TV or go online. There was this draw towards simplicity and quiet, and it actually felt good and refreshing. Dinner went quickly, and the hunger remained. We busied ourselves cleaning the house, anticipating a visit from some new friends/neighbors who had planned to come by and play games with us. I had awkwardly explained to one of these new friends that we couldn't do a dinner date with them because we were doing this "rice and beans thing" as part of a church project to identify with the poor, downplaying it and not wanting to make us sound all holy and "better than thou." She was not put off at all, and actually thought it was pretty cool.

In the end, it turned out that going to their place was a better fit, so we walked to their house as the final light of the day was disappearing, and it felt good to move around. My body had already been feeling lighter and more taut, this sense that I wasn't carrying around extra anything- I felt more sensitive to movement, touch, and overall, just lighter. As we arrived, the first questions from our new friends were all about what this challenge was and why we were doing it. It was encouraging to hear how excited they were about it. The gal even said she was intrigued to try it, which is so great, as she isn't part of any church and yet she felt drawn to it and not freaked out that it was a church-related thing. Being with them for a few hours seemed to help stave off the hunger, and we thoroughly enjoyed drinking tea and chatting the night away. Leaving their house back out into the cold night, I almost forgot about the hunger. This was my first hint about what helps the hunger.

Waking up into Day 3, I wasn't even hungry. Something felt like it had adjusted in me, and I couldn't even eat the full portion of oatmeal that morning, saving it for a midday snack. I spent most of the day with people - in a bible study, in a few meetings, chatting to a friend - and I slowly realized that being with people and engaging myself with them seemed to help my mind forget about the hunger. Is this what helps the hunger? Interacting with others and not being so focused on the self, perhaps it averts my minds natural tendency to focus on myself, my needs, my wants. It's surprising how drastically different Day 3 was from Day 2. Granted, I was (and am) still craving food and wish I could eat whatever I want. This need for getting exactly what I want when I want it made me realize how truly self-focused I have become in this area of my life (and other areas, too) without even realizing it. I loved what the Day 2 Trade as One email had to say about this:

"As you have realized by now, Hungry for Change eliminates most of your food choices for five days. This feels strange and counter-cultural! On top of that, because we’d cooked up the rice and beans in advance and were just getting the daily portions out of the freezer, meal preparation took less than five minutes. This meant that the pursuit of food, the decisions involved, and the pleasure that it brings, were almost completely eliminated from our thoughts during the day. It certainly felt freer and simpler, and yet it felt strange not to make all those choices. The food intake had been decided for us and wasn’t designed all around our own personal choices and desires."

In this process, I am becoming very aware of how much I want to control and have myriad options at my finger tips at all time - with food and with many other aspects of life. Because I am purposely limiting myself right now, I am seeing just how many choices we have for food (and other stuff) on a daily basis. I am noticing the restaurants, the coffeeshops, the grocery stores and all the choices available within them to those who have the means. Is this necessary for us, these thousands of options? Is it good for us? The simplicity of this "fast" and the way its affecting my thinking is causing me to consider that perhaps there is another way...

Hungry for Change: Part 2... the empty feeling

Ok, we are less than 24 hours into this thing and I am feeling... miserable. I waited til 10am-ish for breakfast, which was ok (though, I am not a big oatmeal fan). Within an hour or two, lunch was on my mind and I was shocked at how hungry I had become so quickly. When the time came, eating the lunch portion of beans/rice/tomato sauce was DELIGHTFUL, until I realized that I had reached the bottom of the container and was still pretty hungry. Ugh. Two hours later, I am already very hungry and wishing so much I hadn't done this thing. My body is lethargic and my mind is having trouble focusing and working. My energy level feels like it's lowering, lowering, lowering and I could seriously fall asleep at my desk. I feel really really empty. How do people live like this? How do they work at physically demanding jobs like this? How? I am sad that this is how most people in the world feel most of the time, and I am sad that I am so miserable after less than 24 hours. I don't have any spiritual wisdom or insights, except that I feel empty and sad.

Hungry for Change: Part 1

So, yet again, another year has passed with only a few posts on my ever-neglected blog. oy. I always say I will get better about blogging and never do. You know what they say about good intentions...

Well, what prompted me to hop back in the blogging saddle is the HUNGRY FOR CHANGE challenge that Brian and I are undertaking this week. What's that, you ask? Well, let me give you the official run-down:

From TRADE AS ONE's site

Hungry for Change is a group experience designed to help people stand in solidarity with the global poor in a powerful way.

Hungry for Change is a 5 day challenge which allows you to experience something like the type and level of consumption of food and drink that half the world’s population, who live on less than $2 per day, experience on a daily basis.

Food for Five Days: The pack, which costs $25, contains enough rice, beans and oatmeal to sustain one person for five days at the typical calorific intake of those on $2 a day.

Equip and Reflect: The program is fully supported with a detailed instruction and information booklet, and with a week of thought-provoking and reflective emails sent directly to each participant to encourage them on the journey and to help them turn their thoughts towards God’s purposes during the experience

Provide Food for the Hungry: Through its partnership with Food for the Hungry, Trade as One has designed the pack so that each one purchased also supplies beans that, when planted and grown, will feed one person for a whole year in the developing world.

Provide Dignified Jobs: The rice in the pack is fair trade certified and provides dignified employment to rural farmers in Thailand that keeps communities together and prevents urban migration.

Calculate (and Donate) the Savings: Participants are encouraged to calculate the difference between what they would normally spend on food and drink in 5 days, and the $25 cost of the Hungry for Change pack. Churches and groups then encourage their participants to give towards some designated cause that is close to their hearts and related to issues of poverty. An average amount saved per person over 5 days is around $75.

In about 2 months, as part of our HOLE IN OUR GOSPEL teaching series, we will be challenging the people of Vintage Faith to undertake Hungry for Change, so a small group of us from the GlobalTeam are "trying" this thing out before we promote it to hundreds of VFC-er's. By doing this ahead of the rest of the church, we get to see what it feels like, to experience the process so that we can more effectively express what it's like and hopefully encourage others to take the leap and give it a try.

So, true confessions? I am TERRIFIED of this whole deal. Like, sort of freaking out. I REALLY love food, I love eating, I mean like love love love it, so being restricted and feeling hungry for five days is really daunting to me. All week, I have been subtly dreading this, and now it is here.

Tonight, Brian and I had our first "dinner" - about 1/2 cup of rice, 2/3 cup of black beans and a simple tomato paste sauce. The food actually tasted quite good and I didn't feel deprived in the flavor aspect of the challenge *(in the instruction booklet, Nathan and Cath George- co-founders of TAO and creators of HFC- make the case that though the world's poor eat very little food, they often figure out ways for it to be flavorful, thus the ability to add a bit of sauce and spices to the food we eat this week).

After dinner, we then portioned and prepared our food for the next few days. As we calculated the amount we could eat for each meal, I began to panic a bit. Each scoop felt so small, and I imagined myself eating it, the hunger not going away, having to face the emotional and physical demands of a busy work day while my stomach ached and went unsatisfied. That feeling of dread set in and I scraped every loose grain of rice up and made sure it was all accounted for in our portions. The sinking sense of wanting and not having was already taking over my mind and it was deeply uncomfortable.

As we finished the preparations, my emotions swung from desperation and self-pity to a growing awareness of how very much I have. I looked at all the kitchen tools we used to prepare this food, at the food we already had in our fridge and cupboards, at the luxury we experience compared to the people around the world who eat like this all the time. Guilt swept over me, and I sort of hated myself for feeling nervous and even dreading having to eat this way for a short 5 days. I am sure this first evening's emotions and anxieties are just a microcosm of what this week will be like, but I am already becoming aware of how much it will stir up in me, hoping that beyond my own selfish response to this challenge, I can reach a place where I am able to focus my heart on the people who this is really about, and ultimately, to take up the challenge to respond to God's call on my life to serve and love the least of these.

Here's hoping...