children of men

on christmas night, i went to see "children of men" with a bunch of boys (sorry, i mean "men" :) ) in san jose. it was the first time in i cant remember how long that i spent time with friends instead of family on christmas night. being a product of a two family system, usually i have two christmas', but my mom is in ohio this year, so we only had one. so i got the chance to join some of the san jose men for what seemed to be a yearly tradition they have of seeing a movie on christmas night. we ventured to the ultra hip CineArts theatre on santana row and sat in a sold out audience to take in what has to be one of my favorite movies of the year.

not many people have heard of this film, which is a shame, because its elegant and jarring, epic and subtle, and all those other great reviewer words that will get attached to it eventually. the premise is that in 2027, the world has crumbled into chaos because humans have become infertile - the youngest person on earth, at 18, has just died, causing worldwide mourning. the last "civil" country is the UK and they have become a police state, deporting or detaining all illegal immigrants into refugee camps and closely monitoring the population through survelliance cameras and and an oppressive military presence. we dont know why humans have become infertile, nor the details of what the rest of the world even looks like or how exactly it has deteriorated. mostly what we know is that things are not good- so not good that they cage people at train terminals, force fertility tests and sell home-suicide kits like claritin.

the main character, theo (clive owen, who i have decided is an incredibly striking and engaging actor, and well, pretty darn hot) is a depressed government worker sullenly drinking himself to death to dull the reality of what the world has become. but he must awaken himself from the numb when his ex-wife, julian, enlists him to help transport an illegal immigrant to the coast. julian and theo used to be activists when they were together, but theo seems to have defected and detached from everything he used to be when their son was killed in the flu pandemic that struck just before the infertility. it seems that in getting theo to help her, julian is able to uncover the part of theo that used to be passionate about something-- and that part slowly becomes inflamed once julian is murdered and his mission to bring the immigrant to the coast becomes illuminated- we find out that this immigrant is in fact pregnant with the first baby to be conceived in almost 20 years.

the movie becomes their mission to get this pregnant girl to saftey. and slowly, in all the madness and in all the violence and all the chaos, this one life becomes the single hope for the rest of the world.

yes, yes, the parallels to christmas/mary/jesus are obvious once you start looking for them - but the brilliance of this film is that they dont hit you over the head with it at all. once the concept is fully realized, you are so moved by the subtly in which its been presented and by the freshness of seeing it in a new context, that you cant help but be changed.

this movie does something to you-- the setting and imagery is so familiar and the imminent threat of a world becoming this chaotic is so believable-- that the movie gives this insane sense of urgency. urgency that we need to live as we were created to live--well, more specifically to seek out the thing that created us to live and to pursue it with everything we have, at any cost.

despite the urgency i feel, i am still left feeling somewhat inadequate in my current state. does everyone wonder if they are doing enough?

see that movie.

cinque terra.... epic aloneness

this is one of the most gorgeous places on the face of the planet. i spent a day and night here alone, sort of. it was glorious.

MONTEROSSO



this was the view from a rock i sat on for about an hour and journaled from. i spent a lot of time that day writing and thinking and listening and observing. i like to watch people, scenes unfold. i have trouble, though, letting my own life unfold. cinque terra taught me a bit about slowing.



this is the other view from the journaling rock. i like when landscapes are half covered in shade. its calming for some reason. there were a lot of boats sort of lazing about in this tiny bay. no one was ever rushing.



this is the biggest beach in montessoro... you had to pay 15 euro to lay on one of these lounge chairs. being the bargain hunter i am, i took a towel from my hotel room that barely stretched past my knees and went to one of the "free" tiny beaches on the other side of this beach. lots of men in speedos, lots of women in barely anything. a truly european experience.



these are my legs and feet. i spent a lot of time being worried about my legs being too white compared to all the crazy beautiful italians. this day, i was ok with them.



this is a wonderful couple from america who i shared a room with. we each seperately all thinking we would pop into monterosso that day without a room booking and then met at this random "b and b" which turned out to be some guys random apartment, which ended up being a dead end in trying to find lodging. after a dozen calls trying to find any available rooms in the tiny city, we realized getting a triple was our only solution. though on their honeymoon, the couple were happy to let me crash with them. we had a great discussion over dinner that night and i ended up giving them my copy of "velvet elvis" after a cool discussion we all had about faith.



the streets of monterosso by night.



the bay of monterosso by night.

VERNAZZA



after my day alone/night with the honeymooners, marissa and mikey met me at the train station. they missed the first train into town, which led me to believe they would never make it and i would be stranded there in that tiny town and lose them for the rest of the trip. luckily, one hour later, they made it :) we spent the day in the sun (mikey hiding in the shade of other peoples umbrella's) then trekked from monterosso to vernazza in the rain.



vernazza is tiny, picturesque and addicting. we never wanted to leave it.



view from the wharf where we sat, eating fruit from the market, wishing we could spend always here.

late nights and the shopping vortex

its 2am. i have been sick for 2 weeks and in a vicious cycle of sleeping for 12 hours, going to work late, getting a minimal amount of work done, going home exhausted, watching "alias" (which is like crack cocaine for the tv-minded, i swear, i watched 3 episodes tonight and i cant seem to get enough), hacking up sweet loogies all over the place (the streets of santa cruz beware!), staying up late cause im not tired and then doing it all again. plus its christmas time and i am trying to be creative and thoughtful with gifts, but lose motivation when i realize i have 5 days to get anything done and no energy in which to do them. its also freeeeeezing, frickin freezing out... coldest its been in 30 years.

being after 2am and wide awake, i now find myself up with all sorts of energy and creativity, but no motivation in which to channel it. what happens to us late at night that makes everything so alive?? once you hit a threshold of lateness, you are sort of in a zone- you just sort of get sucked in to whatever will hold your attention and though you know, you KNOW you need to sleep cause tomorrow will suck if you don't, nothing in the world seems less appealing than going to sleep. but what to do, what to do?

tonight, i chose to blog, though i dont even really have a point to this blog. usually i do. or try to at least. this one is sort of stream of consciousness. though i know that i could write this in my journal or in word and save it as "12.20.06 random late night thoughts"... to blog feels better. maybe for me, its that connection to the outside world, the thought that i am putting my very own thoughts out onto this crazy invisible connection shared by millions around the world and perhaps because its put out there, it will matter.

earlier tonight, i spent about 2 hours in target with my sister and roommate. being the geniuses we are, we drove out to target in holiday traffic (making a 15 min trip take an hour). at one point, after 30 min in traffic, i made my roommate get out of the car at a red light to grab my bag with my phone in it from the trunk. she jumped out, grabbed the bag and the minute she got back in swore and realized she had the wrong bag. so i jumped out, grabbed the other bag and just as i got back in the light turned green and i swore, we laughed, and i started the car as fast as i could.

before target, we went to get food at albertsons next to target, wasting a solid 15 min waiting for our deli clerk to make one stinking veggie sandwich. we all stood there in disbelief as she made the sandwich, chopping each ingredient, placing it all together... somehow, it seemed like time stood still, like there was no time anymore, just us, staring at the deli counter, analyzing the various lunch items, wondering if we would ever get out of there.

we then entered the shopping vortex of target. why i love target is a many faceted explanation-- an explanation of which i will tell you about if you ever go to target with me. as i try on cute sweaters in the dressing room, i will tell you i love target cause of how soft the fabric of the sweater is and its only 2o bucks. while i roam through the aisle dedicated to home fragrances and airsprays, i will tell you i love target because of its wide selection of options for home fragrance. as i peruse the bedding section, i will tell you i love target for its clean white jersey knit sheet set that is also only 20 bucks. when i find a sweet smelling candle with a funky design on the outside, i will tell you i love target for its up-to-the-minute design sensibility and reasonable pricing. as my sister and i spend 20 min looking at make-up, giggling like maniacs and talking to each other in silly voices, me with a shopping cart loaded to the brim trying to find the right eyeliner, my sister wearing the pink robe she plans on buying and telling me why i should buy blue eyeliner, i will tell you i love target because of its vast variety of products which allow funny moments between sisters to occur that are completely unplanned and totally necessary.


much earlier today, the staff went out to a surprise lunch together where we were treated to kianti's and everyone on staff got a pair of converse (my fav shoes ever). we all ate yummy pasta and shared our favorite christmas memories and traditions. at one point, i texted a friend who lived nearby and told him to bring a camera so we could remember this fun event, jokingly telling him not to ask any questions. by accident, i texted his son instead and though confused, his son left work, came all the way down to the restaraunt and was ready for whatever we needed. he had the sweetest most confused look on his face and i just loved him for it.


though i dont buy the myth/expectation that the christmas/holidays are supposed to hold all sorts of heartwarming memories, little moments like these make me want to reconsider. they arent your classic holiday memories, but they are funny everyday moments that you just treasure.


crap, it seems like i can make some sense of my writing, even this late at night.

unseen world

i drove home again late tonight. i get frustrated sometimes because i feel like driving home is so monotonous... the same scenery, the same lights, same everything. makes me restless.

tonight, the fog and rain created these insane clouds in the distance behind the normal mountains that surround where i live. mixed with the low-lying fog, it felt like another place. the mountains higher and more dramatic, dark....the fog placed low, creating new foreground... unknown. it felt like another world.

i forget there is so much more going on than i can see.

florence, italy

its time i told you what happened... that month in august when i got to taste the world again. these pictures have sat categorized in folders on my computer and on my flickr. its time they told some stories to you.

we began in switzerland (after a stop in london), but those arent uploaded, so you will have to go out of order....

FLORENCE- first stop in italy



we discovered this empty place in the center of town somewhere. looking down, we attempted artsyness. we were pretty proud of ourselves.



some more artsyness. they were both yelling at me for trying too hard.




this church, in the center of florence, was so big, so overwhelming, we could not seem to fit it into the frame of one shot. it was extremely intricate, the colors so unusual for a church. no one seemed to spend much time inside of it. the shadow it cast around it was refuge from the heat and its where most people in proximity to the church spent their time... in its shadow.



this is a close shot of some of the detail work on the church. its so strange, because you can't get very close to actually see much of the detail. the intense intricacy and craftmanship is evident from top to bottom of this massive structure... but you can't see it past a certain point.




this restaraunt was recommended by rick steve's, who marissa grew to hate as we went on, as we consulted him for EVERYTHING we did. he did suggest good gelato, which made us all happy. this night, in this restaraunt, me and mikey (the boy in the pic and my lovely step brother) got into an intense convo about religion. it was one of the most challenging conversations i had had in some time about my faith and it was good for me. i miss those challenges. notice the guy making the face in the background? more americans.



this pic brings back fond memories. there was a giant square in one part of town next to the uffizi gallery, which holds crazy famous art work, that has tons of restaraunts and people milling around. we wandered to this square one night after dinner and found them shooting a film or something. the main actor was really full of himself, smoking cigarettes and seeming pleased to have a crowd staring at him. he had friends in the crowd and the friends kept staring at marissa, the pretty dark haired girl in all my pics. we must have spent 70% of our time noticing guys staring at her.



we spent one evening at these bridges at the edge of the town center. i did not tweak this photo, it really is this beautiful.



i got really into taking pictures of feet on this part of the trip. perhaps the realization that we would be spending quite a lot of time on them for a better part of a month.



this was a sculpture at the edge of one of the bridges. i liked her feet.



here is her silhouette.

the vulnerability of a leader

i have been having lots of conversation about leadership in the last few days-what are the basic fundamentals (is that too scary a word to use?) that make up a good leader? is it possible to actually sum up in a list what these basics are? as i have served in a variety of leadership settings- a local church, high school asb, college housing and student activities- i have met so many different types of leaders and seen so many different strengths that make them good. what i think makes up the best leaders, though, is the ones who are able to admit, embrace and share their weaknesses.

weakness #1:

maybe its just me as a leader, but being in a position to meet and talk with a lot of people and to even be able to learn about where they are in life (which inevitably leads to learning about where they hurt and what needs fixing), i have to battle against what some have coined "the messiah complex"... which i have found to be a common ailment among many leaders. maybe its not just leaders who suffer with it, but it seems it is definitely something they are prone to. the messiah complex (or the MC, not to be confused with the OC) leads one to believe that they can be the ever important factor that leads to anothers life being made whole again. commonly, the one who suffers from the MC does not believe they are in fact Jesus, but somehow, if they say all the right words, or act the right way, give the right resources, or just add that "right" element into the life of the one suffering, then, THEN that person will be healed, be whole again. Some have actually termed this behavior as being "codependent", but thats the pop psychology understanding of codependence. when you look at the actual psychological definition of codependeny, its not trying to fix people- it has to do with enabling their addictive behaviors. i digress.

to be candid, i am so guilty of having the messiah complex, its embarrasing to admit. its a dangerous thing, this complex, because when you allow it to seep in, you can actually convince yourself that you hold the key to fixing people and their situations. and the more people you know, the more people you talk to, the more sorrow you encounter and the more pain you come in contact with, you quickly become overwhelmed and despondent-- because the reality is, you yourself can't fix any of it, you, the mighty leader, cannot even come close. and so you want to give up.

i find myself often coming to the point of wanting to give up because of this complex and then i have to have wise people remind me that leadership is not to be done on my own strength, that i am not, in fact, Jesus. this seems too obvious, right? how can a normal human being assume the power of the one through whom all things were made? i think, though, that the delusion is a subtle one. as i said, no one with the MC actually thinks they are Jesus, just like no one who is prideful actually thinks they are God (this is assuming that when we are prideful, we are saying we want to be in charge of our lives, not God). perhaps the one who suffers with the MC takes those encouragements for us as believers to "be Jesus" to the world around us to an extreme, but with the best intentions.

6 weeks or so ago, i was going through an incredibly emotional day, being challenged and stripped of my pride, facing hard realities and feeling the weight of some of my own issues of brokeness. that same night, i had to go lead a group of leaders. though broken and sapped of my own strength, i was reminded that perhaps this was the best state in which to lead. there were no pretentions in me, there was no room for me to assume the place of "messiah" because i could barely keep my own little life together. upon arriving at the meeting, i found myself able to just listen, not to offer all my own solutions. i just let people talk, i tried to remain a part of things, not the answer to things. as we began "check in," i shared where i was and came clean about my vulnerable state. as we went around, the night evolved into an incredible time of our leaders sharing their own struggles, not simply the surface struggles, but real issues we would not have shared with just anyone. it was only the 2nd or 3rd time we had met, but the levels of intimacy we encountered that night have allowed a healthy beginning to our ministry- one that this MC-prone leader could have never dreamed up.

their were no "answers" to the issues we all laid on the table that night... there was just sense of relief and comfort in the simple act of saying those things out loud, with receiving ears hearing, and then release in all of us praying to the real Messiah and offering up our unknowns to him. i did not need to be the "strong one" who offered the right words. i did not need to have the right answers to the questions. i did not even need to say very much at all, save to be honest about my own weakness.