i'm sick

yes, as you have heard in little bits over the last few posts, i am indeed, sick. what i realized today is that its not like i have this really bad illness that won't go away. what i actually have is a compromised immune system that is allowing all sorts of bugs and bacteria and virus' into my body, and bit by bit, those stupid things are making me sick with a whole plethora of different sicknesses- back to back and without much break in between. my body probably doesn't even know what it feels like to be healthy, its felt so bad for so long.

so, finally, i took a few days off this week. this is the end of day three. i usually go stircrazy from being alone for so long, but its actually been quite enjoyable being alone and not really talking very much. i have liked it. but i am still going stir crazy and i am only going stir crazy because i have so much to do at work that i am near panic that i wont get it done in time. one of those things i have to do is prepare to speak again on sunday. so what do i chose to do with my time? blog.

but this is good, its part of the process. you see, because i am processing what i am thinking and learning as i study to speak. i am speaking on how we can't change without each other, the role our community has in our transformation. and i have been reading in "how people grow" by cloud and townsend all about the role of the Body in an individuals journey toward change. and though sometimes it feels like the body metaphor is overused and sort of like, yeah yeah, the church is the Body of Christ, blah blah-- right now, its just so real to me, so just, alive (the Body, its alive! ALIVE!)

the authors of this book point out the amazing reality of how the physical body functions--

"for this is what the physical body does when one cell suffers. it sends healing to the injured part of the body. if you have a wounded arm, for example, the body sends antibodies, healing agents, fresh oxygenated blood, white cells, information, anti-inflammatory agents, and so on to that limb. And they do their healing work."

-- and then go on to compare that to how the Body of Christ is to work-- that some bring grace and love as anti-inflammatory agents.... others mourn together and their tears flush out sickness.... teachers offer truth to a wound and help build a strong cellular structure.... when it all works together, infections are healed.

as i study this, i remember that i read "the gift of pain" last year and how its a longer, deeper look into the paralells between the physical body and the spiritual one- and is especially specific on the role pain plays both in the growth of our body and our soul.

so in thinking of our brokeness, as individuals and as a Body--of our sickness both physically and spiritually-- of how we are healed and how sometimes we remain sick, i wonder what the metaphor i am living in means?

"He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow" (Col 2:19)

"From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work" (Eph 4:16)

i am still breathing garlic

i was eating dinner at a ministry meeting with some friends this evening and had some garlic bread. it was yummy and perfect in the context of a lasagna and salad dinner. i enjoyed it (though i was a bit paranoid about my breath, as i often am). then, just as dinner was ending, our lovely hosts plopped down a big bowl of m&m's in front of us. i tried to resist, but couldn't. i got a handful and happily began munching away. the unfortunate part of that was i hadnt waited long enough after the garlic to eat these tasty treats, so i got a mouthful of garlicky chocolate. being wise and having an extensive knowledge of the taste palette, i figured if i ate more chocolate, eventually the garlic taste would wear off. but no.

in about 15 minutes, as we talked and checked in and readied to pray for each other, we put the m&m's on the coffeetable and i decided to try and have some more- cause i want the chocolate taste, not the garlic taste, in my mouth as we talked to God. but no, the garlic was still there. fine.

after prayer, pre-discussion time, we were offered some more sugary goodness. cookies and strawberries. so i had a chocolate chip cookie, thinking it would be just fine. well more than fine. i had decided it was high time for my mouth to have a new sensation, experience something different and yummy and non-garlicky. while the garlic had faded, the cookie somehow just did not taste as good as i expected. so i had some more cookie. more has to be the answer, right?

no.

so i then had a strawberry. though sweet, it was fresh, refreshing, really. it gave me a good feeling.

earlier today, in what felt like an endless series of meetings, i had grabbed a big container of hershey kisses and began devouring them. my bloodsugar gets low in the afternoon and i need these to help keep me awake, you see. its really more about practicality than it is about taste. well, at first it is about practicality, then it becomes a nice treat. but after the first 3, its hard to stop. i am probably just hungry and need some actual food, but somehow reason that the kisses will be enough. so i keep eating them and eating them. at some point, i cant even taste the sweetness anymore. i just want them to fill me up.

and they don't.

the worst part is that i have been sick for almost 2 months with this stupid flu/cold/cough thing and last week, thought i had almost fought it off. then a sore throat returned this week. so i have really needed to be more disciplined about what i eat and how i take care of myself. avoiding sugar would be smart. but i can't seem to stop eating it. and once i get going on it, i just can't get enough. not that sugar is bad all the time, but this just isnt the time.

and it struck me, as i breathed my garlic breath over my sore throat on the drive home and felt my stomach turn from too much sugar:

there is thing i have with trying to fix things with the wrong solutions... even when i know what the right solution would be.

and there is this thing i have with wanting more of things i know i shouldnt have, in a timeframe that is usually sooner than what is best.

what a day to begin breathing

its loud upstairs

sounds i cant see, noise i cant know
just persistent and always
i drive home the same ways, see lights in a row

and

stop

and

go

songs unfamiliar, their words bleed inside, saying things that are right
i want you to write my soul, you say it so much better than i could

"bring on the evening as i cry, bring on the evidence of my life"


these days are so sweet, empty from the way that sorrow would suffocate

but there is that wondering, and waiting,


and... and.... and...





then, i find the decision to just be here, be here, be here

and i want to stay

addiction

i felt compelled to say that at this late hour, i am not tired. moreover, i am not ready to sleep. even more... i am addicted to "alias." i cannot stop watching it, no matter how hard i try, i just can't. i am addicted to the crazy fight scenes where sydney kills the bad guy, gets what she needs and beats all the odds. i am addicted to the storyline, which can't seem to get more complex or intriguing, but always does. i am addicted to the way vaughn pines after sydney, he gets this look in his eye and its just like, oh.

fearfully and wonderfully made

every year, my family gets massages as part of our christmas gift. it sounds kind of weird, yeah, but its one of the few things that will get my punk brothers to actually show up and hang out with the rest of the family :) so this is something nice to look forward to each year, because who doesnt like a massage?

this year, as we sat waiting to get taken to our rooms for the massages, i told my sis and bro that i really hoped i didnt get a guy cause that would definitely be kind of awkward. i didnt want to have to feel awkward when a massage is supposed to be relaxing. and dont you know it, when my masseuse came, he was, in fact, a guy. i smiled and laughed to myself... awesome.

now, being an extrovert and the way i am, i get anxious in silence, especially with people i dont know. i have a tough time not talking to the person giving me a massage when i get one (see july 05 blog). this year, i was just wanting peace- i was not really looking forward to having to make small talk with a stranger for an hour, in a dark room, with airy new age music going on in the background (not that i think new age music is wrong, i just dont personally prefer it). so i wasnt stoked on the added weirdness of having a guy masseuse. hmmm, how is this going to go?

when my masseuse (jason) took me to the room, i was pleasantly surprised to find it a well lit and spacious room. it smelled really inviting and the music was soft, eclectic world music, with a sort of indian flavor to it. laying on my back with a blanket over me, jason put his hands out over me, not touching me at all... he then slowly moved them down and pressed his hands into the small of my back and i heard him sort of whispering-- i am not sure if he was praying or what, but it definitely felt like he took a moment to think through what he was doing, to sort of honor the experience.

as my massage began, i was surprised to feel overcome with peace- a sense that i could talk if i wanted or i could just be quiet. i felt very comfortable, very at ease. jason told me a bit about different types of massage and different theories about muscle work, which was good-- keep it professional, help assure he wasnt creepy. he also began telling me about how massage therapists travel quite a bit and dont usually stay in one place too long... many are very "spiritual" he said, and like to visit Africa, India and experience those cultures and religions. this really struck me, because as jason worked very carefully on my different muscles, i could tell he was treating them each very delicately and had a very deep respect for each part of the body, for the intricate way the body is made up. this got me to thinking about the body and the fact that God has crafted each of us so very particularly and uniquely. and i started to imagine how it must have been for God when he was creating the body... carefully looking over each part, putting each piece together, smiling at the beauty he was creating. and i imagined how he must have marveled when it was all done- thinking "this is good."

perhaps, i wondered, as jason began to work out the crazy knots on my upper back, the reason many massage therapists are so spritiual is that they get to deal with the body all the time... and they arent necessarily looking at it clinically or intellectually, really, but as this intricate beautiful masterpiece- each part connected to the other, the muscles all tied together with the rest of the systems of the body... and how touching them in a certain way and helping to relieve the stress of the everyday (jason said that the smallest things we do can affect our muscles-- how we type, how we answer the phone, how we use a mouse) can make them function the way they were originally meant to work.

i was surprised during the massage at how much my body reacted to being touched in this "therapeutic" way by someone who knew so much about muscles and how to help them relax. as my body eased and was able to release all the tension, stress, and tightness it held, i began to feel other things leave me - confusion, sadness, worry... the body tied up so closely with all my feelings. how does that work? our bodies, minds, hearts, souls are all tangled and touching- we can't separate them and when one hurts, all the others seem to follow suit.

we are fearfully and wonderfully made