a global missions trip... to Illinois

i had the immense privilege of visiting Bolingbrook, Illinois this week, where a number of churches came together to present WorldVision's "Step into Africa" exhibit, a prayer path-like experience where you are transported through photography, narrative and interactive elements into the story of a child affected by the AIDS pandemic in Africa.

in planning to fly out this week, i didnt know what to expect. selfishly, i was excited to be able to travel and spend some time with my sister and her friend in Chicago, which was an awesome, captivating city that i want to go back to soon. but as soon as i met up with my WorldVision connection, Lynne, i knew that my trip was far more than just an excuse to get away for a couple of days.

There is so much to say about what happened for me on my "global missions trip", but what is striking me now, the morning after, is how much emotion i feel about what i experienced in the exhibit. What you experience is visceral.... and heartbreaking... and haunting.... and it doesn't just go away. It feels as though it's settling in me and perhaps wanting to stay with me so that i don't just keep living the way i have before. I have seen some incredible films in the past few years that have truly ruined me (in a good way) to care about the plight of people who have experienced extreme injustice ("Call and Response," "Invisible Children," etc) and so this "feeling" is not new. The moment you enter into the story of someone whose life has been forever changed by one of the myriad global issues threatening humanity (poverty, AIDS, war, human trafficking, etc), you can't help but be caught up in it and struggle through it's implications about...humans, sin, God, life, eternity, justice; all of it. And this experience now feels very similar. And while i have responded in the past to these feelings and to these realizations by trying to educate myself and get involved and support organizations that are taking action in these issues, what is haunting me about "Step into Africa" is what it's implications are for our church, and for the Church of Santa Cruz at large.

By taking steps towards putting on the "Step into Africa" experience, and in turn choosing to support a specific community in Africa through a long term commitment (child sponsorships, vision trips, fundraising, educations, etc) we have the opportunity to bring an life-changing experience to the Church and larger community of Santa Cruz. It's easy to disassociate ourselves from AIDS and poverty when we don't actually experience the reality of it. For most people, they won't be able to go visit a community afflicted by these issues, and so they can remain at a comfortable distance. This exhibit gives people to chance to connect to the reality and the stories and to the emotions of what millions of people are going through... and they can do that here, in their own town. Once you have connected to something like this, it compels you to act, to change, to grow, to love. And through those next steps of action, we as the Body have the opportunity to make a lasting change for a whole community across the world by offering them clean water, sustainable agricultural supplies, health care, education and economic support. I didn't know too much about World Vision before this trip, but from what I learned and experienced, this is an organization that not only knows what it's talking about, but has taken action for the last 60 years on behalf of the world's poor- and has learned what works, and what doesn't. They have the infrastructure and the vision and the tools to help take a church from not just caring about global issues, but to actually do something about them.

Though it was a short trip, and it was only to another part of my own country, i have this sense of having been transported to another world, to another place, to another life. the stories and voices of these children echo in my mind and i cant escape the narrators reminder at the end of the story that for some of these children seeking sponsorships, they may not have another person in the world who prays for them. i feel compelled to action, not just by my emotions, but by a deeply seeded truth inside of me that my heart is connected to the heart of God... and that what breaks His heart should break mine.

my heart is breaking.

and i am ready.

a rainy thursday of good questions

i've always admired people that can ask great questions, the kind of questions that evoke thoughtful responses and help the person answering figure out something about themselves in the process of responding. today, i met with a mentor of sorts, a leader who i've met with a few times over the years and who always seems to be able to ask the right questions, and from whom i took a leadership course on spiritual direction. he asked me to grab a hot drink (we are 2 of the 10 people in Northern California who don't drink coffee, he joked on the way down) and catch up on life. i jumped at the opportunity, as i respect this person a great deal and felt completely honored to spend time with him... and excited to see what kind of questions he might ask.

in the course of our almost 2 hours of conversation, we talked about many of my most favorite things- life, ministry, marriage, relationships, learning, inspiration, God's kingdom and movement in His people. whenever i spend time with him, i always walk away inspired to be the best version of myself, to be a person of my word, a person of integrity, a person who follows Jesus with every part of my life. a person of fidelity to the long walk of faith. and so much of what affects me when we talk are the questions he asks... today he asked things like:

"where do you feel most alive in ministry?" and he listened as I processed through and explained some of the things delighting me most at this moment - teaching, training, teamwork, meeting one on one with people, supporting other staff.

"what do you sense God's dreams and designs are for your life?", a question which i have so much trouble answering, or even thinking through, so i often avoid thinking about it. he took time to walk me through what this means- God has designed me and has dreams for me, unlikely dreams, dreams that dont have to fit into a personality test or a list of goals, dreams that He longs for me to live out... and so what would it look like to consider how God views me, and what He might long for my life to become? He encouraged me to spend time thinking on that and letting it sit in me so that God could have some space to reveal his dreams and help me live them out.

"where in your life are you being formed and challenged? what practices do you have set in place so that the areas in your life where you need to grow and change can be pushed against in an intentional way?" - thought i am a big fan of intentional growth and change, i dont have anything on the horizon in regard to this question, since a leadership group i've been part of it is coming to an end in a few weeks. he suggested that I consider meeting with a spiritual director once a month, and put into place an intentional spiritual practice that can help me anchor my days, to be the place where no matter what happens during the day, i can come to this thing and find refuge in it and draw strength. this suggestion aligned with some other senses I had been having about where God might be taking me, and it felt right to hear it from him as a "next step," something to take action on because it felt like i was being lead there. we talked more about spiritual direction, what it was, what it could mean to me.

i asked him some advice about an area of ministry, which lead to some helpful insight from him about how important it is for us as leaders to not control everything around us, to not make excuses for scripture, to not try to explain everything or have every answer. I struggle deeply with being in control, for fear that if i am not, i will somehow lose everything or let everyone down. here was a simple reminder to let God be in control, to surrender to Him, to not speak out of turn, to let His spirit guide and direct and be in charge in all things. we talked about how important it is not to just give people words about who God is and His love for us, but to also simply live out that love for them to experience when they interact with us.

our two hours flew by and felt full and brimming with goodness. as he dropped me back off at the office, i realized i needed to give him a check for the upcoming retreat i would be doing through the leadership group we were part of. he just smiled and said, "oh, i wanted to let you know that someone paid for the rest of your balance, so you are all squared away." i began to tear up. that very simple and very profound reality of someone else paying your debt just struck into the heart of me. here i was receiving an answer to a question i didn't ask. i was expecting to have to pay and someone else took care of it for me.... what? for some reason, a part of me was in disbelief, not knowing how to quite receive something so unexpected. why did i feel like somehow i didnt deserve it, or that i needed to pay anyway? i had to chose to just let that gift settle in to me, and once it did, i realized that all i wanted to do in return was bless someone else in the same way some day. that's the thing about unexpected gifts, blessings, grace, love... when you experience them so deeply and so truly, you can't help but want to turn around and give it to someone else.

may i be a person who gives the gifts of both unexpected blessings and thoughtful, well-time questions.

you cant carry it with you if you want to survive

a few people have recently asked me about my blog and when i came back here, i realized i havent written in over a year! it's wild what can happen in a year... brian and i got engaged, planned a wedding and got married in the space of just about 5 months. and on feb 4, we celebrated 5 months of marriage... so crazy! seeing lots and lots and lots of people last night at the Hurricane Roses show last night, i kept getting the question: " how is married life?!"

and truly, truly, truly...

it is good.

deeply and wonderfully and dynamically and simply good. and that does not mean it is perfect, or that we are perfect or that we don't hit bumps along the way.

but i can say that marrying the man i married, as the time we did and in the way we did, has brought me some of the deepest fulfillment and joy, and yes happiness, that i have ever experienced. brian is an incredible partner... consistently affectionate, affirming in so many ways, a servant, a supporter, a hugger, a maker of most of meals and a planner of future fun events. there are so many huge things i love about him and so many small things i love about him... and ... it's hard to put into words what he means to me, even after just these 5 short months. God truly knew what He was doing when He brought us together. God knew what i needed - and in spite of all my writhing against His leading and all my protesting about what i thought i wanted... God brought what I needed. And that i have what i need is deeply good.

there is so much more to say, but i wanted to start again today. i spent so much time on this blog wondering and pondering and struggling... and now, i am truly enjoying.

florence and the machine sings "dog days are over" and the lyrics resonate in me, as they seem to speak of someone who is hiding from the happiness she has right in front of her. she needs to be present to the good she has now, and not allow all that had weighed her down in her dog days to ruin what is now, this day. and this is me, truly, truly. so much held at me, pulled me under, kept me away from all the good intended for me. and now, it feels i can be here, in it, reveling, soaking, being.

thank you thank you thank you


Happiness hit her like a train on a track Coming towards her stuck still no turning back She hid around corners and she hid under beds She killed it with kisses and from it she fled With every bubble she sank with her drink And washed it away down the kitchen sink The dog days are over The dog days are done The horses are coming So you better run Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers Leave all your love and your longing behind You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

beauty and fear

i re-read this today and felt it right to share now, some 4 months later...

port de iquaçu/iguaçu falls...

an early morning flight, traveling fatigue and heavy bags did nothing to dampen our enthusiasm over our time in iguaçu falls. the moment we jumped in the taxi from the airport, we felt like we had been transported to a different world entirely. it felt like hawaii, only richer colors, more humid air and a sense of calm and tranquility that contrasted beautifully with our big city adventures. not only was the environment simply fantastic, but the hostel we stayed in made us love the whole place even more. it was set up to feel like you were in the jungle, but not in a cheesy way at all-- in the very best way. lots of wood paneling, simple, cozy and clean rooms, a pool, a welcoming and perfectly lit and welcoming bar/hang out area and a super friendly staff (our main contact, sophi, was simply the best, helping us plan our our time in the falls and our next few steps of the trip).

after a yummy breakfast including some Kenny G tunes, we headed up to Iguaçu Falls by bus and once we got through ticketing, me losing my sunglasses and needing to buy new ones and trekking through some short trails, we encountered the Falls, which were beyond words in magnitude, beauty and just pure awe-inspiring-ness. they span about 1.5 miles, and are surrounded by a lush green rainforest/jungle setting. we explored the whole area, taking a boat right into the bottom of the falls (getting totally drenched and me screaming for dear life as the base of the falls is deafening and scary), walking out the edge of the most intense falls, called Devils Throat (the spray from the base of the falls flies up hundreds of feet above the actual falls, the water pressure is so intense) and then taking a slow boat ride through the still waters above the falls, where we saw a crocodile from about 5 feet away (causing me to crouch in the middle of the boat while everyone else laughed at me).

it was on this adventure that it came to me that with many experiences of real, true beauty, fear and danger are almost a requisite companion experience to that beauty. as we experienced all the phenomenally beautiful facets of the falls (seeing it from above, below and next to), an element of fear and danger was always right there with us. hiking across long bridges over the smaller (but still pretty high) falls; walking to the very edge of one large fall and the looking up to see the massive flow of water above; seeing Devils Throat so close, knowing you could slip over and be gone in a second; seeing a crocodile close up; hearing the roar of the falls not far ahead and not being entirely sure the boat guide knew how to steer clear of the edge; walking for a long time over the actual edge of the falls with a pretty low railing to protect you -- all of these things were intensely beautiful, but also incredibly scary. but you could not have the beauty without the fear. miniature versions of those falls could never cause you to feel so overwhelmed by their beauty and magnificence.

i am beginning to see this paradox in all of our adventures- macchu picchu was so gorgeous, so stunning, but every time you realized how high up you were, it was terrifying. flying so many places, feeling the turbulence, knowing how risky flying is if you really think about it- these are all so scary, so fearful-- but could the beauty and experience of South America be had simply by seeing it in a picture online or in some movie? there is no way! the fear and danger of flying gave way to the beauty of this expansive and amazing experience of South America.

as i write this all out, i realize i am happy to have had this revelation, as i am one to always look into the deeper meaning of things. on this trip, i have felt a lightness, an ease, a lack of weight (in a good way). of course my mind still spends way too much time finding things to analyze and think on and try to figure out... but this metaphor or idea of beauty and fear mixing and giving way to each other is churning in me very deeply and still showing me more of itself. perhaps what i am meant to learn here is not something i will be able to control. perhaps the lessons (like this one) will come over time and unexpectedly and in more layers and nuances than i could have ever wanted.

a year in the kingdom

tonight, we saw 2 concerts in the mountains of santa cruz- gregory alan isokov and j tillman. both musicians will likely become part of my soundtrack for the winter. j tillman had won me over with the title track from "a year in the kingdom" back at the end of october. i listened to it on a particularly emotional day, one when it felt like many things were coming to a head and God was making even clearer some truths and realities i already knew- and needed to know more of.

what's genius about the song is that its lyrics evoke something in you that you don't really understand- they are heart rending and emotional and raw... but you don't quite know why, you can't quite put your finger on it. they have overtones of something to do with God, but the exact meaning is ever so slightly obscured, which makes it somehow more beautiful. i am finding so much beauty, as of late, in things i can't quite understand.

tonight, j tillman's show was at the brookdale lodge, and the section where he played was probably 40 degrees, no joke. you could see your breath. if you know me at all, you know this was not a good thing. i stayed as long as i could in the section, his voice is so perfect and everything so captivating, you want to be close and hear everything. by the end of the set, i couldn't handle anymore and so i found refuge by the fireplace in the back of the room (which provided no heat to the front of the room for some reason).

during the first song of the encore, brian and i were feeling ready to go. i told myself that if the next song wasn't "year in the kindom," then we could go. before he began the second encore song, J off-handedly said how great it would be to unplug and finish up by the fire. the small but faithful crowd convinced him that this was right and so he made his way toward the warmth, while the crowd circled around. and there, by the glow of firelight and 50 quiet, expectant listeners, he began...

when i look back on my life
a stillness passes over friends
what i stored was yours to keep
it's no more mine to reclaim than the rocks and the trees

i spent a year in the kingdom, on my way, on my way through the garden
i spent a year in the kingdom, on my way, on my way through the garden

what comfort used to pass my days
before you shook the cold from me
i have enough to hold me to your side
before release comes for me like a thief in the night

i spent a year in the kingdom, on my way, on my way through the garden
i spent a year in the kingdom, on my way, on my way through the garden

i'd give back every night bird song
i'd give back every lay in the dawn
i'd give back my singing voice

for, one more day, one more day in the kingdom

my ears recalled the october day five weeks earlier, hearing these words and music at a time when i somehow had needed them to give voice to what was going on inside. and as i remembered that, i also remembered that earlier today, i had been asking God to show up, to show me something, to show me that he was listening to me as I implored him to give me guidance about my life. and in this unexpected and perfect way, it felt like this song- being sung in the warmth of the fire, surrounded by easy, thoughtful silence- was a showing up. instead of up on a stage, away, separated, here was this song, these words - sung softly, gently, humbly, giving voice to mystery, reminding.

peru, days 1-3

on our 26 day south american trek, days 1-3 have already proven quite momentous...


*ALTITUDE HIGH*
we are feeling sort of drugged because of the altitude here. i think we are like somewhere between 6-10,000 feet above sea level (i can´t convert from kilometers, but its definitely high up). just walking up stairs winded us the first few days and we still have weird moments where it affects us - brian gets winded when he stands up right after waking up, its kind of funny. our skin is so dry and the air so different, it caused me to get a wonderful bloody nose yesterday and then today again on thetrain. so cute.

*PISAC- death by bus?*
Because all the trains to machu picchu were booked for the days we wanted to go, we re-arranged our sched, and day one, we instead went to a tiny village an hour outside of Cusco called Pisac. the bus ride over was really really really scary. i kept wondering what it would sound like if people heard i died in bus accident while driving a curvy highup road, listening to 80¨s hits. luckily, we survived. in pisac, they had a huge market with fresh foods, lots of warm clothes, trinkets and so much more. while the market was charming and at first you felt special cause it seemed everyone wanted to talk to you, we soon got overwhelmed with people constantly shouting at us and wanting us to buy from them. it was essentially our first taste of what has been one long insessant sales pitch the minute we arrive in any sort of setting where the vendors know there will be tourists. i feel like a robot, repeating over and over {no gracias, no gracia, no gracias}.

*hugo, the very best*
day two we headed toward puno, the large town right next to lake titcaca (hehe! still funny to say and type). the bus ride takes about 5 hours ish with no stops, but this was a special tour where we stopped at 5 different places along the way. while it had potential cheese factor (for some reason, tours always seem cheesy to me at first), the tour experience was AMAZING!! our tour guide, Hugo, looked like a mix of michael jackson (pre plastic surgery) and gabriel garcia bernal... and he was super friendly, knowledgable, kind and easy to talk with. we had seats the the very front of the bus, so we got lots of time to chat with him. on our stops, we saw an amazing church (the sistene chapel of south america, apparently), old Inka ruins, fantastic views of all kinds of lansdacspes (plains that ran right into gigantic golden mountains, rivers, trees, livestock) and tons and tons of people riding bikes, herding animals, walking along, sitting, observing, almost getting hit by our bus, etc. we also ate lunch at a cute little place with an amazing spread of all types of peruvian cusisine. we loved this, because we are finding that real peruvian food is hard to come by in the city centers we stay in, cause all the city restaraunts are geared toward tourists and so the food is far from authentic. we arrived in puno at 5pm and said good bye to the wonderful hugo, who will forever be my favorite tour guide :)

*the lake of lies... and beauty*
at 6:50am of day 3, we headed out on another tour, this time by boat. it was so confusing trying to find the boat and when found it, more confusion ensued for about 20 minutes cause they overbooked and there were not enough seats. the tour guide was no hugo, and so i didnt really listen to him much, just stared out the window and tried to soak in the lake and land and reeds and sun. the first stop were the floating islands, which are made entirely of reeds and mud, reedwhich grows for miles on the lake. there are about 48 small islands in a big circle and that they exist at all is amazing: stepping onto them made us wish we could sleep on them as our hotel beds were rock hard. but, they are lies. well, the islands were real, but the "natives" who live there might as well be disneyland characters dressed up to make you think you have transported to another time. they wait for you at the boat, dressed in very clean, brightly colored "native" clothes and then as you get the history and construction details of the island from our bad tour guide, they set up a marketof "handmade" crafts for us to buy (though the crafts in every marketwe have been in have been identical to each other, causing us towonder who in fact is making these authentic items.) before you leavethey gather around and sing to you. tihs happened at all the islandssimulatenously, as each island had its own tour boat to impress. Iwas the most skeptical of all of us and so it was hard to enjoy theexperience. it was cool that they were in fact reed islands, floating and in existence for hundreds of years, but the fakeness of it all wasupsetting. after the islands, we got back out onto the lake for athree hour boat ride to another huge island, where stevey and ienjoyed a long, refreshing girl talk in the warm sun (the weather here is much more mild than we thought, which makes me soooo happy). theisland was cool, we got to hike and see amazing villages, and enjoyanother great peruvian lunch and i embarassed myself royally by tryingto talk to another person on the tour and introducing myself by saying"im america" to which all ten people at the table laughed at. we endedthe day by eating at an amazing pizza place called "macchupizza" which was actually wonderful despite the name.

life from death...

From time to time, I am going to use this space to make sure and remember the great conversations that make my life and my work worth every bit of struggle and confusion and pain.

Again, the theme of service and our life being ABOUT God has surfaced. In my conversation with a new friend/VFC connection (we'll call her S), we pondered and worked through and celebrated the reality that our lives are not about ourselves or our own happiness, necessarily, but that they are ultimately about serving other people as conduits or vessels of God.

Recent losses in S's life have left her with a sense of wanting to move to the next place in life, where she just serves others and focuses on that over things she has focused on our worried about in the past. Perhaps as she sees the beautiful legacy of service that those she lost left behind, she realizes that she wants to be part of something like that herself. In this moment, in this awakening, she is available to what God wants to do with her, she is open to being used in whatever way she can be used. This is how she wants to live. She has that sense of clarity about her that comes after great pain and loss. Life, in a very real, tangible way, has become this precious gift. Life for S has become simpler in a way. Life is not about us. Life is not about our own self-contained happiness or comfort or success. Life is something to be lost so we can truly live.

S is still figuring things out. She wants to know the Bible, wants to understand it. She sees she has a lot to learn. But in and of herself, S is this amazing gift. She is present, easy to talk with, encouraging, gentle, positive, deep. She already has so much to offer the world, its almost like learning about God and the Bible will shed light on what's already been richly at work in her. I firmly believe that as we grow fully into who we are in Christ, we become more fully us.

Our conversation brought us to the discussion of how every part of the Body is unique, how we all bring so much to the table simply in and of who we are... and every part of us that is God, IS GOD. God is so infinitely dynamic and interesting and complex and all encompassing-- every great thing about every person is Him. This is endlessly encouraging to me. I love how God has made this world and made us. Yes, brokenness and darkness and confusion abound... but there is this hope.

As S and I talked, I was reminded of this incredible quote i just read from Mulholland (again)

"We have so emphasized the Life dimension of the New Testament that we have avoided coming to grips with its death dimension. We have avoided the fact that in the gospel, Life comes out of death, not out of life. Trying to bring Life out of life attempts to escape the necessity of dying to the old parameters of our existence, the necessity of relinquishing the brokenness of our being, the necessity of letting go of those things that warp and misshape and distort who we are."

S has experienced death... literal death of those around her and, in a deep way, death of her old self, her old parameters of existence, her old being. And out of this death, Life.