Hungry for Change... again...

The first time we went through the Hungry for Change experience (about a month ago), I remember it almost being over and already dreading having to do it again. Heading into Day 4 of the second time through this thing, I know why.

Prior to starting our second experience of this "fast," I definitely was not dreading it like I was the first one. It's crazy how much power our minds have and I remember the first time not knowing how I would feel, and what the hunger would be like, and worrying over whether I could make it. Having completed the first experience, I knew I could do it, so I didn't worry too much. It was fascinating interacting with people who are part of our church who were doing it for the first time, as they were feeling the same anxiety I felt - how will I make it through 5 days? What will it be like? How will I feel?

The first few days of round two were not as hard as the ones of round one, and I figured that my body had experienced this before and so had adjusted itself to know what to expect. I could see those Day 2 & 3 effects on some of the VFC staff who I had meetings with on Monday and Tuesday - lethargy, exhaustion, distraction, anxiety, moodiness... yes, even a grumpy pants or two. I felt some level of relief that I wasn't feeling so low and, true confessions, I even felt a bit smug that I wasn't feeling as badly as everyone else.

And then the end of Day 3 hit me.

Instead of being such a strong physical ache for food, this second time has produced a more intense mental battle. My body is not so much craving food and causing me to lust after any food item I happen to pass by or see... it's my mind. I will be going through the day and all of the sudden, all I can think about is how much I want to eat and what I would eat if I could eat, and I how I HATE not being able to have what I want, and how I can't wait for it to be Friday because then I can do what I want, eat what I want and feel better.

This war in my mind is a very powerful one indeed. Getting past the physical effects of such an experience and into what's going on inside has produced in me a new level of understanding about myself. I am far more selfish and self-centered than I had imagined. I am far more privileged than I realized. I am far more unaware of the world and its pain and suffering than I want to admit. My temptation is to keep making the effects of this experience about ME - how bad I feel, how much I want this to be over, how difficult this is for me. But, it's not about me.

It's not about me.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

Millions- no, BILLIONS- of people live this way EVERY DAY. I can't even imagine this. It is too difficult and overwhelming to fully comprehend. I want to ignore this reality and just keep focusing on my own short view of my self, my work, my efforts at getting through this uncomfortable and annoying experience. And yet...

What if at every twinge of hunger, I called on the God of the universe to bring his mercy and justice to lives of the hungry around the world?

What if with every thought of wanting more, I called on the sovereign God over all to provide for the least of these who feel this way all the time?

What if I turned each mental battle over to Him, and called on the Comforter and Redeemer to bring His love and light to people who have nothing?


     What if....?

Hungry for Change: Part 5... We made it!

Relief... and joy. Those were my feelings when I bit into my first non-beans/rice/oatmeal related food on Friday evening.... a dried mango (one of my weird food obsessions). I had actually given up eating all together on Friday afternoon, I simply could not bear the thought of one more bowl of beans and rice, so I just fasted for lunch that day and waited til the evening to eat. Being a big rule-follower, I felt badly not eating that last bit of the food, but honestly, I couldn't do it... I could not do it. This gave me another insight/ facet to this whole experience- when someone gets sick of eating the same food they have to eat day after day, they don't have the option of just not eating til they can "break the fast"-- they have to suck it up and eat at some point, cause it's all they got. This pierced into me, this reality... this lack of options, this forced diet. I loathed my American perspective, my privileged position, and felt it important to not complain too much about these 5 days or even to complain about food in general from here on out.

The gift of the timing for Hungry for Change is that my sister was in town from Wisconsin and we planned a big family meal the night we got to back to normal foods. Luckily, it was a meal chalk full of delicious veggies- the thing I missed the most during the HFC experience, which is strange, given my strong propensity towards sugar. As we dug into the amazing salad, warm bread with garlic/olive oil/vinaigrette, and incredible lentil & veggie soup, I was just overjoyed and so thankful. Look what we get to eat!!! I was beaming and deeply greatful. Another insight: it's not wrong to LOVE food and to thoroughly enjoy it!! It is one of the greatest things in life... but I think it's so important to be thankful for it, to truly understand what a gift it is, and to always seek a way to share this blessing with as many people as possible.

As the next couple of days progressed, I was surprised at how easily we fell back into normal eating habits. We couldn't eat as much as we had before, but we definitely enjoyed the bounty of California's central coast, eating a great breakfast and then sharing a big meal last night with friends. As I was chopping up some summer squash to roast for that big meal, I was struck for a moment as I piled them to the side... they were so beautiful, the design and color, and then later, the taste. What a true gift, and what an incredible design of God's, to make this stuff we get to enjoy, to eat and share with people we love, to have it nourish us and give us what we need physically, mentally and emotionally. And, as we are to love how God loves, how important it is for us to stop at nothing to make sure everyone gets a fair chance chance to enjoy such gifts.

Hungry for Change: Part 4... Perspective

Though I have found this to be a dynamic and thought-provoking experience, I am ready for it to be over. It's has definitely gotten physically easier for us as the days go on, and I don't feel the consistent hunger pangs I had the first couple of days. However, I still struggle with the limited menu and keeping myself reigned in when all I want to do eat is something, ANYTHING but oatmeal, beans and rice.

On the evening of Day 3, we visited with another set of friends over in San Jose. We met them at a coffeeshop and all drank tea together-- they were eager to hear what new diet prevented us from sharing dinner with them. (side note, once settled into our conversation, we realized that this coffeeshop suffered from what Portlandia calls "Bad Art, Good Walls"- see picture for example) We explained what we were doing with HFC this week and they thought it was a really innovative and interesting concept. One of these friends has struggled for the last couple of years with an unknown illness that has wreaked havoc on her digestive system, causing her body to reject most of the food she tried to eat and leaving her to go for sometimes weeks at a time with little to no food. The illnesses effects are evident in her massive weight loss and her and her boyfriends inability to go to many social events and outings. She, of anyone, could understand what we were experiencing-- even more than us, she has suffered over the course of months and months, has been unable to have control over her food and really, her life for so long, I can't imagine how she must feel. I felt suddenly ridiculous for complaining about 5 days of not eating much, knowing how deeply and profoundly she has suffered. But what I love and what gives me such hope (and even shows me how deeply real God is), is that instead of complaining or lamenting or even calling us out on our (now obviously) petty whining, she shared that because of her prolonged period of experiencing that hunger, she is dedicated to doing something with her life that can help people who are hungry around the world. Her eyes lit up when she shared this, and she said it in a way that was so matter of fact, so decided, it struck me that this was exactly what she would do.

Day 4 was more of a mixed experience for us. By about 6pm, we were dreading another bowl of rice & beans, and by 7:30pm, we were ready to go to sleep. Our energy just felt so depleted. We dragged ourselves out to a friends' concert and though the music was great and we had tons of friends around, I kept getting distracted by the bowls of chips & salsa and the slices of delicious cake being served at the venue. I wanted one SO BAD. It's all I could think of at times, especially when I wasn't engaged in conversation or absorbed in the music... food. food. food. I think more than a physical challenge, Hungry for Change is a mental challenge... training my mind to not think of things I wasn't allowed to have, training my thoughts to divert to other things besides the hunger and longing. It's incredible how powerful the mind is. I even dreamed of food that night, waking up to realize that we still had 2 more days and my portioned oatmeal serving was just waiting for me in the kitchen.

Hungry for Change: Part 3... what helps the hunger?

After some encouraging texts/notes from a few others who have undertaken this challenge, I was anticipating a better Day 3. And, don't ya know it, they were right! Actually, things got better even sooner than that.

We got home around 5:30pm on Day 2, and could hardly wait til our proposed 6:30pm mealtime. Instead of spending time snacking or preparing food, we just drank tea and read books... for some reason, we didn't even feel motivated to flip on the TV or go online. There was this draw towards simplicity and quiet, and it actually felt good and refreshing. Dinner went quickly, and the hunger remained. We busied ourselves cleaning the house, anticipating a visit from some new friends/neighbors who had planned to come by and play games with us. I had awkwardly explained to one of these new friends that we couldn't do a dinner date with them because we were doing this "rice and beans thing" as part of a church project to identify with the poor, downplaying it and not wanting to make us sound all holy and "better than thou." She was not put off at all, and actually thought it was pretty cool.

In the end, it turned out that going to their place was a better fit, so we walked to their house as the final light of the day was disappearing, and it felt good to move around. My body had already been feeling lighter and more taut, this sense that I wasn't carrying around extra anything- I felt more sensitive to movement, touch, and overall, just lighter. As we arrived, the first questions from our new friends were all about what this challenge was and why we were doing it. It was encouraging to hear how excited they were about it. The gal even said she was intrigued to try it, which is so great, as she isn't part of any church and yet she felt drawn to it and not freaked out that it was a church-related thing. Being with them for a few hours seemed to help stave off the hunger, and we thoroughly enjoyed drinking tea and chatting the night away. Leaving their house back out into the cold night, I almost forgot about the hunger. This was my first hint about what helps the hunger.

Waking up into Day 3, I wasn't even hungry. Something felt like it had adjusted in me, and I couldn't even eat the full portion of oatmeal that morning, saving it for a midday snack. I spent most of the day with people - in a bible study, in a few meetings, chatting to a friend - and I slowly realized that being with people and engaging myself with them seemed to help my mind forget about the hunger. Is this what helps the hunger? Interacting with others and not being so focused on the self, perhaps it averts my minds natural tendency to focus on myself, my needs, my wants. It's surprising how drastically different Day 3 was from Day 2. Granted, I was (and am) still craving food and wish I could eat whatever I want. This need for getting exactly what I want when I want it made me realize how truly self-focused I have become in this area of my life (and other areas, too) without even realizing it. I loved what the Day 2 Trade as One email had to say about this:

"As you have realized by now, Hungry for Change eliminates most of your food choices for five days. This feels strange and counter-cultural! On top of that, because we’d cooked up the rice and beans in advance and were just getting the daily portions out of the freezer, meal preparation took less than five minutes. This meant that the pursuit of food, the decisions involved, and the pleasure that it brings, were almost completely eliminated from our thoughts during the day. It certainly felt freer and simpler, and yet it felt strange not to make all those choices. The food intake had been decided for us and wasn’t designed all around our own personal choices and desires."

In this process, I am becoming very aware of how much I want to control and have myriad options at my finger tips at all time - with food and with many other aspects of life. Because I am purposely limiting myself right now, I am seeing just how many choices we have for food (and other stuff) on a daily basis. I am noticing the restaurants, the coffeeshops, the grocery stores and all the choices available within them to those who have the means. Is this necessary for us, these thousands of options? Is it good for us? The simplicity of this "fast" and the way its affecting my thinking is causing me to consider that perhaps there is another way...

Hungry for Change: Part 2... the empty feeling

Ok, we are less than 24 hours into this thing and I am feeling... miserable. I waited til 10am-ish for breakfast, which was ok (though, I am not a big oatmeal fan). Within an hour or two, lunch was on my mind and I was shocked at how hungry I had become so quickly. When the time came, eating the lunch portion of beans/rice/tomato sauce was DELIGHTFUL, until I realized that I had reached the bottom of the container and was still pretty hungry. Ugh. Two hours later, I am already very hungry and wishing so much I hadn't done this thing. My body is lethargic and my mind is having trouble focusing and working. My energy level feels like it's lowering, lowering, lowering and I could seriously fall asleep at my desk. I feel really really empty. How do people live like this? How do they work at physically demanding jobs like this? How? I am sad that this is how most people in the world feel most of the time, and I am sad that I am so miserable after less than 24 hours. I don't have any spiritual wisdom or insights, except that I feel empty and sad.

Hungry for Change: Part 1

So, yet again, another year has passed with only a few posts on my ever-neglected blog. oy. I always say I will get better about blogging and never do. You know what they say about good intentions...

Well, what prompted me to hop back in the blogging saddle is the HUNGRY FOR CHANGE challenge that Brian and I are undertaking this week. What's that, you ask? Well, let me give you the official run-down:

From TRADE AS ONE's site

Hungry for Change is a group experience designed to help people stand in solidarity with the global poor in a powerful way.

Hungry for Change is a 5 day challenge which allows you to experience something like the type and level of consumption of food and drink that half the world’s population, who live on less than $2 per day, experience on a daily basis.

Food for Five Days: The pack, which costs $25, contains enough rice, beans and oatmeal to sustain one person for five days at the typical calorific intake of those on $2 a day.

Equip and Reflect: The program is fully supported with a detailed instruction and information booklet, and with a week of thought-provoking and reflective emails sent directly to each participant to encourage them on the journey and to help them turn their thoughts towards God’s purposes during the experience

Provide Food for the Hungry: Through its partnership with Food for the Hungry, Trade as One has designed the pack so that each one purchased also supplies beans that, when planted and grown, will feed one person for a whole year in the developing world.

Provide Dignified Jobs: The rice in the pack is fair trade certified and provides dignified employment to rural farmers in Thailand that keeps communities together and prevents urban migration.

Calculate (and Donate) the Savings: Participants are encouraged to calculate the difference between what they would normally spend on food and drink in 5 days, and the $25 cost of the Hungry for Change pack. Churches and groups then encourage their participants to give towards some designated cause that is close to their hearts and related to issues of poverty. An average amount saved per person over 5 days is around $75.

In about 2 months, as part of our HOLE IN OUR GOSPEL teaching series, we will be challenging the people of Vintage Faith to undertake Hungry for Change, so a small group of us from the GlobalTeam are "trying" this thing out before we promote it to hundreds of VFC-er's. By doing this ahead of the rest of the church, we get to see what it feels like, to experience the process so that we can more effectively express what it's like and hopefully encourage others to take the leap and give it a try.

So, true confessions? I am TERRIFIED of this whole deal. Like, sort of freaking out. I REALLY love food, I love eating, I mean like love love love it, so being restricted and feeling hungry for five days is really daunting to me. All week, I have been subtly dreading this, and now it is here.

Tonight, Brian and I had our first "dinner" - about 1/2 cup of rice, 2/3 cup of black beans and a simple tomato paste sauce. The food actually tasted quite good and I didn't feel deprived in the flavor aspect of the challenge *(in the instruction booklet, Nathan and Cath George- co-founders of TAO and creators of HFC- make the case that though the world's poor eat very little food, they often figure out ways for it to be flavorful, thus the ability to add a bit of sauce and spices to the food we eat this week).

After dinner, we then portioned and prepared our food for the next few days. As we calculated the amount we could eat for each meal, I began to panic a bit. Each scoop felt so small, and I imagined myself eating it, the hunger not going away, having to face the emotional and physical demands of a busy work day while my stomach ached and went unsatisfied. That feeling of dread set in and I scraped every loose grain of rice up and made sure it was all accounted for in our portions. The sinking sense of wanting and not having was already taking over my mind and it was deeply uncomfortable.

As we finished the preparations, my emotions swung from desperation and self-pity to a growing awareness of how very much I have. I looked at all the kitchen tools we used to prepare this food, at the food we already had in our fridge and cupboards, at the luxury we experience compared to the people around the world who eat like this all the time. Guilt swept over me, and I sort of hated myself for feeling nervous and even dreading having to eat this way for a short 5 days. I am sure this first evening's emotions and anxieties are just a microcosm of what this week will be like, but I am already becoming aware of how much it will stir up in me, hoping that beyond my own selfish response to this challenge, I can reach a place where I am able to focus my heart on the people who this is really about, and ultimately, to take up the challenge to respond to God's call on my life to serve and love the least of these.

Here's hoping...

a global missions trip... to Illinois

i had the immense privilege of visiting Bolingbrook, Illinois this week, where a number of churches came together to present WorldVision's "Step into Africa" exhibit, a prayer path-like experience where you are transported through photography, narrative and interactive elements into the story of a child affected by the AIDS pandemic in Africa.

in planning to fly out this week, i didnt know what to expect. selfishly, i was excited to be able to travel and spend some time with my sister and her friend in Chicago, which was an awesome, captivating city that i want to go back to soon. but as soon as i met up with my WorldVision connection, Lynne, i knew that my trip was far more than just an excuse to get away for a couple of days.

There is so much to say about what happened for me on my "global missions trip", but what is striking me now, the morning after, is how much emotion i feel about what i experienced in the exhibit. What you experience is visceral.... and heartbreaking... and haunting.... and it doesn't just go away. It feels as though it's settling in me and perhaps wanting to stay with me so that i don't just keep living the way i have before. I have seen some incredible films in the past few years that have truly ruined me (in a good way) to care about the plight of people who have experienced extreme injustice ("Call and Response," "Invisible Children," etc) and so this "feeling" is not new. The moment you enter into the story of someone whose life has been forever changed by one of the myriad global issues threatening humanity (poverty, AIDS, war, human trafficking, etc), you can't help but be caught up in it and struggle through it's implications about...humans, sin, God, life, eternity, justice; all of it. And this experience now feels very similar. And while i have responded in the past to these feelings and to these realizations by trying to educate myself and get involved and support organizations that are taking action in these issues, what is haunting me about "Step into Africa" is what it's implications are for our church, and for the Church of Santa Cruz at large.

By taking steps towards putting on the "Step into Africa" experience, and in turn choosing to support a specific community in Africa through a long term commitment (child sponsorships, vision trips, fundraising, educations, etc) we have the opportunity to bring an life-changing experience to the Church and larger community of Santa Cruz. It's easy to disassociate ourselves from AIDS and poverty when we don't actually experience the reality of it. For most people, they won't be able to go visit a community afflicted by these issues, and so they can remain at a comfortable distance. This exhibit gives people to chance to connect to the reality and the stories and to the emotions of what millions of people are going through... and they can do that here, in their own town. Once you have connected to something like this, it compels you to act, to change, to grow, to love. And through those next steps of action, we as the Body have the opportunity to make a lasting change for a whole community across the world by offering them clean water, sustainable agricultural supplies, health care, education and economic support. I didn't know too much about World Vision before this trip, but from what I learned and experienced, this is an organization that not only knows what it's talking about, but has taken action for the last 60 years on behalf of the world's poor- and has learned what works, and what doesn't. They have the infrastructure and the vision and the tools to help take a church from not just caring about global issues, but to actually do something about them.

Though it was a short trip, and it was only to another part of my own country, i have this sense of having been transported to another world, to another place, to another life. the stories and voices of these children echo in my mind and i cant escape the narrators reminder at the end of the story that for some of these children seeking sponsorships, they may not have another person in the world who prays for them. i feel compelled to action, not just by my emotions, but by a deeply seeded truth inside of me that my heart is connected to the heart of God... and that what breaks His heart should break mine.

my heart is breaking.

and i am ready.