Rain and Shine

Today, I turn 31. I keep saying 31-derful, as it makes it sound more youthful and hopeful than just 31. Generally, I try not to lament getting older, but sometimes it does get to me... and it was getting to me a bit this year. Thankfully, God has been reminding me today about some things... about the absolute gift each season of our life truly is, about how faithful He has been to me at every point in my life, about His plan to redeem each and every part of my past, about his constant and ever-presence that I can always count on.

The things is, Brian and I are buying a house (with the overwhelmingly generous financial support of our parents). Yep, it's happening. It's crazy and weird and fun and scary and overwhelming and wonderful. All at once. It all began on Sept 13th, when at about 5pm, we got a call that our offer was accepted. We had seen the house only 24 hours before, put an offer on it and then the offer was accepted. Just like that. After about a year of searching, and getting rejected 5 previous times (mostly for tiny condos in not so great locations), we were on track to buy a 1949 2-bedroom, 1.5 bath cottage on 9,500+ square foot property (by Santa Cruz standards, this is GIANT) in lovely Soquel. The minute we got the word that our offer was accepted, my heart began pounding and my mind began reeling... what have we done!?!? This is awesome, but also SO SCARY. This will be the biggest purchase of our lives and make us "home owners." WHAT?!

Our new home on Rosedale!

The following weeks brought a slew of legal/real estate terms we had to learn and home owning skills we needed to acquire - and for me, a slew of fears and anxieties. Up until I was in my early 20's, most major life transitions had been disastrous and painful - my parents divorce, a close family members addiction/rehab, parents' re-marriage and subsequent acquisition of a step-family, a series of painful break-ups for me. Any significant change in my life usually brought darkness and pain, and so big transitions (to my heart and mind) are associated with and bring about fear, anxiety and overwhelm. It wasn't until I was in my mid-20's that things stabilized. God had brought me out of what seemed like too many dark seasons and I finally began listening to Him when it came to making wise choices and choosing to trust Him fully with all parts of my life. And much of the darkness in my past moved towards redemption, as I saw the growth and blessings that occurred out of the rubble of my family breaking apart and my (many) failed romances.

One of the most redemptive aspects of this process has been my marriage to Brian. Though it took much soul searching and (a still in proces) reconstruction of my fearful and broken heart, God gave me the incredible gift of a man whose love is solid, rooted in God's love and promises and whose character is better and stronger than I could have ever dreamed. Instead of pulling me under and sinking me, his love has helped to redeem me and drawn me closer to the One who made me. The theme for our wedding was "home," as we always said we felt we had found a Home in each other. We ran this theme through so many aspects of our celebration- we got married at my Dad's house, on a wood platform constructed from the deck of my Mom's old house. I wore my grandmother's wedding dress. We used wood from Brian's sister's home to create our signage. We hung pictures of our parent's and grandparents and great grandparent's weddings. After we were pronounced "man and wife", we walked out to Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zero's song "Home". We even had our "first look" and took our pictures in the old abandoned house behind my parents property that I had always been afraid of growing up. Instead of a it continuing to be a fearful place to me, I was able to see the beauty of it - overgrown with vines and flooded with peaceful lighting, this old home perfectly embodied all the redemption God was showing me through this wedding and marriage to Brian.

And now, as we face the next big transition in our lives, I have been reminded again of my need to trust in God and to rely on His presence and His redemptive purposes for my life. Though I have seen him work so profoundly in my life over the last few years, when faced with these deeply embedded fears, it has been easy for me to revert back to my "old" thinking... to be held captive by fear, to feel anxious about every detail, to doubt His provision and to try and control all aspects of what is happening. Given these knee-jerk emotional reactions, the last few weeks have been... interesting... to say the least. The unrest and anxiety in my heart not only affects the home buying process, it affects my relationships, my marriage, my work... its like those emotions and reactions just bleed all over everything, even when I am trying to contain them to their respective source.

Just last night, Brian held me while I cried, wrestling with my old self and my new self. "I don't want to be my old self anymore, I don't want to be that girl," I sobbed. Overcome by the patterns/behaviors from my past, I have been feeling stuck these last weeks. I intellectually know that I am not the same person and that my life is different now... but at some cellular level, I still remember that old person and somehow fall back into her ways when I get spooked. My mom says it is like a rut and when it rains, the water falls right back into that same space where it always goes. Being the wonderful man he is, Brian prayed over me and encouraged me that I am not that same girl and that I can be the person I am now.

Just after signing papers!

Waking up today, I wanted to believe this. The weather was a bit gloomy and I am generally not a fan of rain, so I was bummed it was raining on my birthday. Oh well. The day went on and then we found out that we were going to be signing the papers for our house this afternoon. Hmm.... how fitting. I turn 31 and I buy a house. I am a true adult. Driving over to the title company today, I knew this moment was significant. After over an hour of signing documents, the reality of it sunk in. We are buying this house. We are doing this. And instead of fear, I felt joy. There was not even an ounce of fear. Yes, it was sobering. Yes, there is unknown in this huge decision. But the overwhelming sense was one of joy. We are doing this!!!

Double Rainbow: picture does not do it justice

Once the papers were signed and the cashiers check turned in, I called my mom- I was EXCITED to tell her about this special moment, not afraid! As I was driving and talking to her, I turned the corner to head home and up in front of me was a deep gray sky with not one but TWO rainbows - double rainbow!! (insert viral video joke here). Rainbows have traditionally been associated with God's promises and faithfulness .... and not only did He give me a joyful spirit for this big day of signing papers, but here He was, showing me loud and clear with these beautiful rainbows- I AM HERE!! I am WITH YOU!! I am not leaving, I am not giving up, I am not forsaking you... I am HERE! I am good, I want good things for you, and I am faithful to take you through every season - good or bad!! Of course, tears of joy fell as I saw this and I was overcome with a flood of peace and contentment deep in my soul.

I love, too, that He chose rainbows to show me His presence ... they exist not just in brilliant sun; they exist as a result of both sun and rain. Darkness and light. Life... it's both. Always, always both. Is God real and present in this joyful moment of realization? Yes. And is He real in the times of darkness and fear? Yes. He is with us through both, always. I rejoice in the hard, difficult, confusing times I have been through, because I know He was with me in those times. And I rejoice now, in this joyful, peaceful and exciting season, as I know He is with me here and now, too.


My prayer as I go into this next year of life is that I can continually trust in the reality of God's presence, even when things are hard/confusing/dark and I don't "feel" Him... and that I can continually trust in the reality of His presence when He gives me good gifts and wants me to celebrate and rest in the beauty of this life. Amen, Amen.

31, here we come.

As I finished this post, here is the view from our current apartment,