i promised i would sleep tonight
living in boundaries of my own design
i keep seeing your face
smiling, eyes
telling
oh patience, your lessons are unwanted here...
why can't my heart just decide?
all i know
from right here, inside
is that
waiting is worth
those eyes
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Sunday, December 19, 2004
him
i promised i would sleep tonight
living in boundaries of my own design
i keep seeing your face
smiling, eyes
telling
oh patience, your lessons are unwanted here...
why can't my heart just decide?
all i know
from right here, inside
is that
waiting is worth
those eyes
living in boundaries of my own design
i keep seeing your face
smiling, eyes
telling
oh patience, your lessons are unwanted here...
why can't my heart just decide?
all i know
from right here, inside
is that
waiting is worth
those eyes
Monday, December 13, 2004
there is something disconcerting in the realization that you are so tired that 10 hours of sleep cannot make you feel rested.
when you are this tired, you see things wrong. you see situations wrong, you see people wrong, you see your heart wrong and you act on motives that are wrong. not always, but generally.
when you are this tired, you begin hating things, hate a strong description, but its the only one for the way this feels. you begin hating your messy car, you begin hating all your clothes, you begin hating your hair and those awful zits on your neck. you begin hating the weather and the scattered office. you begin hating mistakes. you hate. not people, but things.
and after you hate things, you begin to love other things more intensely. things not objects, but things feelings. things realizations. things moments. things that don't make sense, except right then. and you want to cry and sleep in the same moment. you surge with energy and want to tell everyone how much you love them.
you love people for their subtly. their complicated intricate way of communicating. you love people for their steadfast love of you, even the you who is a basketcase, crying over situations she can't control, over problems she already knows the answer to. but you love. you love the man in the wheel chair, preparing to die; he sings and his voice shakes, his mouth can barely stay open, his white hair and wrinkles making him striking in the dark. singing to his maker who he shall soon meet. and its the sweetest sight you have seen in so long, and you realize that this man, who has lost most of the things you covet and then take for granted, loves and feels his God more deeply than you have ever even thought of feeling and loving Him.
in the final stages of fatiuge, the hazy world gets sharper, and you give in a little to whats next. you say no to things you would otherwise normally jump at. you cry in your car to beautiful words which pierce into you. you also have a few realizations:
1. your life is not that bad. tonight, you have seen a man about to die struggling for breath. you have seen people broken hearted and confused. you have seen people struggling with insecurity and sickness beyond their control. you have seen a man in a wheelchair pushing himself up a hill. you have seen someone so burned out, they can barely breathe. you have seen these things in person and you have probably brushed up alongside a multitude of others in passing, without knowing it. and your fatigue and confusion seems manageable in light of all that. and you thank God that you are so blessed.
2. you realize that for all you talk about extroversion, the introversion is making its way into your personality and plans to stay for a while. forever?
3. you see how polarized your view of relationships truly is. that you either want buddy-buddy friendship with no possibility or you want deep, romantic connection with a ring right around the corner. you realize now, tonight, that somehow, someway, a thousands shades of gray exist in between those two extremes. you know that its time to start exploring how to exist in that gray or you will never truly move from platonic friendship to passionate love without falling on your face a thousand times and breaking a thousand hearts (including yours) a thousand times along the way. it seems impossible right now, but you know somehow it can happen.
4. you realize that all the realizations for now, in this time of your life, are not going to be able to be listed 1-10. not possible. not even remotely close. all you can do is hope that sometimes you understand what it being told to you and that somehow you can get it through your thick skull what some of this means some of the time. the rest is just a mystery i can't pretend to have solved.
all i know is that i am trying to do whats right in front of me. chose the right roads at the right times that lead me to the destination ive been dreaming of all along. make different decisions than i have made before so that i stop making the same mistakes. but i know the shores are hard to see. i know the water calls my heart. i know that that life is waiting for me, for someday. but its all i can do to not jump headfirst into a river i have nearly drowned in a thousand times.
its just beyond those trees. the place i've been dreaming of.
maybe becoming new means losing everything you thought you knew from before and stepping into the unknown, to wait for whats next.
when you are this tired, you see things wrong. you see situations wrong, you see people wrong, you see your heart wrong and you act on motives that are wrong. not always, but generally.
when you are this tired, you begin hating things, hate a strong description, but its the only one for the way this feels. you begin hating your messy car, you begin hating all your clothes, you begin hating your hair and those awful zits on your neck. you begin hating the weather and the scattered office. you begin hating mistakes. you hate. not people, but things.
and after you hate things, you begin to love other things more intensely. things not objects, but things feelings. things realizations. things moments. things that don't make sense, except right then. and you want to cry and sleep in the same moment. you surge with energy and want to tell everyone how much you love them.
you love people for their subtly. their complicated intricate way of communicating. you love people for their steadfast love of you, even the you who is a basketcase, crying over situations she can't control, over problems she already knows the answer to. but you love. you love the man in the wheel chair, preparing to die; he sings and his voice shakes, his mouth can barely stay open, his white hair and wrinkles making him striking in the dark. singing to his maker who he shall soon meet. and its the sweetest sight you have seen in so long, and you realize that this man, who has lost most of the things you covet and then take for granted, loves and feels his God more deeply than you have ever even thought of feeling and loving Him.
in the final stages of fatiuge, the hazy world gets sharper, and you give in a little to whats next. you say no to things you would otherwise normally jump at. you cry in your car to beautiful words which pierce into you. you also have a few realizations:
1. your life is not that bad. tonight, you have seen a man about to die struggling for breath. you have seen people broken hearted and confused. you have seen people struggling with insecurity and sickness beyond their control. you have seen a man in a wheelchair pushing himself up a hill. you have seen someone so burned out, they can barely breathe. you have seen these things in person and you have probably brushed up alongside a multitude of others in passing, without knowing it. and your fatigue and confusion seems manageable in light of all that. and you thank God that you are so blessed.
2. you realize that for all you talk about extroversion, the introversion is making its way into your personality and plans to stay for a while. forever?
3. you see how polarized your view of relationships truly is. that you either want buddy-buddy friendship with no possibility or you want deep, romantic connection with a ring right around the corner. you realize now, tonight, that somehow, someway, a thousands shades of gray exist in between those two extremes. you know that its time to start exploring how to exist in that gray or you will never truly move from platonic friendship to passionate love without falling on your face a thousand times and breaking a thousand hearts (including yours) a thousand times along the way. it seems impossible right now, but you know somehow it can happen.
4. you realize that all the realizations for now, in this time of your life, are not going to be able to be listed 1-10. not possible. not even remotely close. all you can do is hope that sometimes you understand what it being told to you and that somehow you can get it through your thick skull what some of this means some of the time. the rest is just a mystery i can't pretend to have solved.
all i know is that i am trying to do whats right in front of me. chose the right roads at the right times that lead me to the destination ive been dreaming of all along. make different decisions than i have made before so that i stop making the same mistakes. but i know the shores are hard to see. i know the water calls my heart. i know that that life is waiting for me, for someday. but its all i can do to not jump headfirst into a river i have nearly drowned in a thousand times.
its just beyond those trees. the place i've been dreaming of.
maybe becoming new means losing everything you thought you knew from before and stepping into the unknown, to wait for whats next.
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