homesick

its funny because the last time i wrote on this blog, i was halfway around the world, seeing sights, experiencing a new culture, soaking up the travel life and i was just fine. and now here i sit one month after my return, on my couch, in my house, in my hometown and i am homesick.

i have this working theory that those of us who try to follow after jesus have a special awareness that we as humans are not ever really at home here on earth, in these lives, in these bodies, there situations. based on that one part in 1 peter where it says something about us being aliens, foregeiners in a strange land, i have formulated this idea that no matter how hard we try, we wont ever feel totally like we are home, that we will always be yearning for a place that we cant quite get to yet.

its so deceiving, because we can be satiated with so many things of this life... we get used to certain comforts, certain expected ways of being, certain certainties. but nothing ever remains really constant. and when they do for awhile, we are bored and complain of stagnancy. its like, deep down we are just uncomfortable with this place- our souls, our very beings know something is wrong- but we just keep trying to cover that up and move from one feeling of comfort to the next.

when we lose a comfort that we got used to, especially a big one, like a person we love, or a place we counted on, or a way of being in the world that was easy... it devastates us. reminds us of our transience. shakes out the false comfort and leaves us with the reality of our own human desitution. we are so poor on our own. even with money, even with a job, a car, people around. we are just left lacking in so many ways.

this following after jesus thing.... its so real. its easy to follow after him sometimes, when you can see the instant results of difficulty. usually thats how it works for me. something terrible happens- a loss, a hard conversation, a period of confusion- and i begin analyzing it, looking for reasons, trying to see patterns, make sense of it. so many times, i can see in part why it seems like things happen. and many times, its not like i reason it out shallowly- many times i conclude that the answer is that this adversity is supposed to make me more like my maker. that i am sharing in his suffering to some degree. that my character is being refined. which is all well and good in retrospect, right? but in the midst of it, you are mess. you FEEL IT. because your a human.

i am so homesick right now. and no amount of reasons can make that feeling go away.