in high-def

Every single person has a story. What a gift, an absolute undeserved gift to share in such stories these last 24 hours or so. God has literally placed in front of me 4 different people at varying stages of their understanding and journey with God and allowed me to peak into the rough draft of the chapter they are currently hashing through.

And its not been just anyone, you see, but 4 especially picked out for me. (oh its 1:17am and so much to do tomorrow, but i can feel the words pouring now)

For so long, i feel like i haven't been able to see anything, not myself or anyone around me, not even those closest to me. Of course you catch glimpses, of course there are moments the fog breaks a bit, but not for long and not much. But so much now, its all in high definition.... well parts of it, at least. Like dreams I have had, flying, soaring and seeing all below so closely and then suddenly everything from on high...

there is this beautiful, beautiful clarity.

A week long with events, and mine is least expected and so welcomed. JLFo welcomed a new Mrs into his life at the windy, sun drenched 14th avenue near their home, Panda and his Mrs welcomed a new life this morning. Eloquently worded woman next door prepares for adventures far from here and the Hair goes across the globe to tell about whats he's learned here in little sunny SC. And here I am feeling more full than i have in so long but with so little to report. But so much has happened.

Sunday, out of nowhere a girl i had never met before wrapped me up in questions that illuminated this knowledge I have carried around for 5 years now but have let lie dormant so much of the last few years. In all the words and realizations and shared commonality we had, she was somehow reminding me of why i began in the first place. Questions of who was this God to begin with and what is he all about? Is he a person? What is grace? Her desire to know and her searching through all of this mystery just turned this light in me outwards and I felt alive in ways you can't feel alive without just this sort of thing.

Today, nearing the end of my normal work day, after the normal laughter and silly banter we all share, after all the emails and all the details and all the small things, and the Hair having about 4 heartattacks, i make 3 calls. In the next hour, I am able to speak with 3 more who would help my light turned outward shine even more brightly than I am even able to understand. How can I share such intimate, intricate, illuminating things? How much do I say? How much can I say? As they happened, a thousand clear blue descriptions of these moments flashed before me, each such a perfect vignette of how this should be. I undeservedly stumbled upon these 3 so ready to share with me, so eager to talk and hash through things and be vulnerable, see-through.

Then my father and I had dinner and he became the 5th to make the light blinding. Without effort, without a second thought, i felt it all flowing out again. Like breathing, and it was so beautiful. I am no scholar, but Scripture I had learned and insights from Nouwen and DeMello were coming out of me, weaving a beautiful tapestry for him to see in a new view all he had regarded as so dead and gone for so long.

In all of this, i realized so much about me...

I woke up to this part of me that wants to "shepherd", to gather each of these and the so many others who i have talked with this past month who are hungry to be part of something, and just make something happen. To create a safe place for questions, a new place for things to grow, a rich place for people to walk away from different than when they came. A sanctuary.

I saw that after so much diligent prayer and so much yearning to be used "missionally" its not actually about me or my timing, but waiting on His. And in this time, so much more is seen and said. So much more learned and brightened and taken away

I also saw so clearly why a light should not be hidden under a bowl, why salt cannot lose its taste... and i saw how i have been dark and flavorless without even knowing it. Being placed to be light and salt is so mysteriously for others and for God and for us.

For others to feel the body move and to see its reality,

for God to glorify who He is

for us because we need it....

if we exist to live for Him and others, where are we when we are dark and without anything for others to taste? Are we even living at all?

I know the come down from this will be hard, I am so high up. I have a thousand more things to say, so much i have seen in this new light.

I am going to hope the longer i have the rest of this rumbling around up here, the richer it will be when i pour it out again.