a night i won't forget

These are the times you want to remember. Nights like these are absolutely without question PRICELESS. Tonight, I gave my first message at Vintage Faith. It was about stewarding our hearts. I had been preparing for tonight for the past week pretty intensely... studying scripture, praying, talking with people, hashing through structure and transition with Rob, dissecting meaning and purpose with Mom. But as I prepared, I realized that God had begun working on this message in me years ago. Two verses about the heart, prov 4:23 and phil 4:6-7 had been beacons in my dark times for the past 5 years. I had turned to them both for wisdom and guidance so many times, they felt like familiar faces which eased my heart and gave me peace beyond my own comprehension. And as the message came together this past week, they emerged as the two main verses i would be focusing on.

I have always heard before from people who speak that the week prior to them giving their message, they are always tempted or struggling with the very topic that they are about to speak on. And it was so true for me this week. I felt a deep, deep struggle in my heart about the very things i was to be talking about tonight. The story i shared tonight had to do with my struggle to keep God first in my heart before my romantic relationships. So many times in my walk with God, when it came to affection from a guy, whether emotional or physical, i had the hardest time saying no, even when i knew its not what God had for me. This week, there were a couple of very difficult nights of having to battle with this temptation, whether it be simply about the attention i wanted or was getting from a guy or the blatant opportunity i had to get into a relationship that wasn’t what God wanted for me.

At the times of these temptations this week, it wasn’t super clear to me what was going on, but looking back, i see how very easily my integrity could have been compromised had i chosen differently. I see now that the very story i shared tonight and the huge amount of growth that i have had in the area of romantic relationships is bearing fruit (to use a terribly overused metaphor) even now. Had I been tempted the way i was this week 3 years ago, there is NO WAY i could have survived it. I felt that so many moments this week i could have broken down and given in to my impulses... but God, in all his gracious mercy, protected me.

A series of beautiful moments and details that surrounded the message tonight....


The Augustine quote i used at the end of the message was taped on a mirror i had all through college. The quote always struck me and seemed to always call out to me and it was beautiful how perfectly it worked for the message tonight, as if it stuck around all this time just to be used tonight.

A number of times this week, people have mentioned that God knew before I was even born that I would be speaking tonight. The same concept came up in a number of scriptures that I happened to read this week.

The many emails, phone calls, and myspace messages I received from people offering support, prayer, encouragement and love for me; every one of them I held dear to my heart and i printed them all out and took them on stage with me tonight as a reminder that God's community was there with me.

My mom’s phone call this morning to tell me that her devotional this morning had to do with Jesus' temptation in the desert and then the sermon he gave after his temptaion that was met with adoration for his words over his message (which was not how he wanted it to be received)-- a reminder that even Jesus was tempted... and that it didn't matter what my words were tonight, only that the right message was spoken.

As I prayed outside this afternoon in the unseasonably warm February sun, i observed a bee next to me, simply breathing. This intricate, complex little design just next to me, tiny, breathing. Being reminded that when it feels right, ministry in any capactiy should be as easy as breathing.

Watching the room get set up, the band practice, the tech team prepare and all the outrageously wonderful people I get to serve with each week. It overwhelmed me.

Putting on the wireless mic for the first time and later seeing Dan wearing an apron because he was setting up the drinks and cookies ... an odd, endearing contrast for the night.

Before going on stage to talk, I snuck behind the curtains. It was “mingle time” and they had put on Mute Math in the background- my current favorite band. As I paced around back there, I sang out loud to the song “And i know-there’s got to be another love, some-where closer to the other side”... this filled me with in expressable joy :)

About 3 minutes into the message, my mouth got so dry that I had to stop everything and jokingly ask for my water bottle i had forgotten. My dad eagerly jumped up and handed it to me. I love that being a beginner means i can do stuff like this and it comes off as endearing and lovable!

After stepping down off the stage, I walked over and my Mom hugged me and held me and said that I had given God's message so clearly and so perfectly. Next, I saw Marilyn and Erika's faces, two who are dear to me, but who aren't part of any church. They seemed profoundly moved and I trust it was the Spirit doing it’s thing. Erika told me I had come into a new part of life, that she saw me differently now, that what i had said and the way i had said it had meant so much to her, had affected her. Her eyes told me more than her words and it made every bit of nervousness and hour of preparation worth it, just for that moment.

The people who came up to me afterwards and encouraged me... what they said is enough to make someone get a big fat ego, which I am not above :). So, I have to give all the credit to God here, since its all for his glory in the end anyways. But those moments i will treasure and take as encouragement from my community of believers that will spur me on in my darker moments.



It's so funny because as I drove home tonight, I was struck by a wave of loneliness. Though I have probably never felt as loved as I have tonight by so many people, and so affirmed in my worth and so sure of God's way of redeeming every hard circumstance, I still, still struggle with feeling lonely simply because there is no "boy" to come home to. Just as this thought crossed my mind, I looked up to the sky and I saw a huge circle around the moon, a giant moonglow and i just laughed. No matter how amazing a guy might be in my life, there is no one, NO ONE like God. No one knows me like him, no one can get to my heart like Him. No one will ever be as close to me as He is.

If i could chose one day to have someone follow me around and record my life, so far, this would be that day... it was a near perfect day. A day that I will look to for inspiration when i forget why i am in ministry at all. A day that i will remember for how loved i felt. A day that will stand as a reminder that God redeems everything, in His beautiful, perfect time.