its funny how we get our expectations up about things we never really have in the first place. you can spend so much time anticipating how amazing something should be and you get so excited about it. You imagine how awesome it will be when you get to fully enjoy the realization of the anticipation you have, you begin holding onto the little details you have noticed, the swells of emotion that occur when you brush up against the hope and you begin believing all of these things as facts that can't be anything but true.
what's so hard is when you ignore the few little red flags which seem to pop up in the your peripheral as you race along towards your expectation. i am the worst, because i do actually see them, even recognize them and talk about them to others. I think somehow that if i do acknowledge them, perhaps they will be minimized, going from a giant flag that flaps loudly when its windy to a tiny little paper flag you could stick in a tropical drink.
I am seeing more and more that I am so willing to risk the danger associated with the red flags for the potential happiness that it could be confused with desperation. Am I desperate or open? Am i easy to catch or accessible to know? How do we ever get beyond the beginning if we run away because of every potential hazard? How do we avoid getting hurt if we are willing to risk our hearts for an expectation that could turn into beautiful reality?
how do you mourn something you never really had?
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Hey, I stumbled across your blog.... I love your writing. I totally resonate with this post, i thought i'd share what i wrote about this similar idea a couple weeks ago...
Sometimes, it’s as if I’ve set myself set up,
I’m so willing to drink from the cup,
Even though I know it’s no good for me,
Pretending I’m blind so that i don't have to see
I’ve been here so many times before,
Wishing there’s something different in store
Making myself believe there is so much more,
Secretly creating the new doors
I’m loosing something that I never had
Manipulating the good over bad,
Calculating how it will work out in the end,
Knowing my heart will soon be on the mend
Determining when I should risk it and take the chance,
Learning, to know when it’s my time to get out and dance,
I might, fall down and be proved a fool,
Flipside, I find something so beautiful
Maybe I mourn cause I just want believe,
The last thing, I want in this world is to be,
Falling apart from the reckless decisions I make,
Not knowing what’s really at stake,
I know my heart when it comes to love,
I try but I always fall short of,
Expectations I always place on myself
At some point re-placed by somebody else,
I need to learn who it is that I really am,
Be freed, and learn on my own two feet to stand,
To not be swayed by the risk or reward,
But live life, and become me more and more
There are a few decisions in my life that I can't help but constantly ponder about the "what if's".
One moment in particular - one decision made in the course of mere seconds - I run through my head again and again. For several years now it's been there. I realize with my full head that making any decision but the one I made would have destroyed all my credibility as a person, and yet it's not entirely clear to me that I wouldn't sacrifice my own personal integrity and a lifetime of principled living to have reaped the possible benefits.
How pathetic is that?
-R@y
wow, that is crazy - you basically just described what went on for me (and is still going on) over Christmas break... I'll have to tell you about it sometime. If I forget, maybe you could just add my friend Kris to your prayer requests. He's in the process of finding the truth.
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