in high-def

Every single person has a story. What a gift, an absolute undeserved gift to share in such stories these last 24 hours or so. God has literally placed in front of me 4 different people at varying stages of their understanding and journey with God and allowed me to peak into the rough draft of the chapter they are currently hashing through.

And its not been just anyone, you see, but 4 especially picked out for me. (oh its 1:17am and so much to do tomorrow, but i can feel the words pouring now)

For so long, i feel like i haven't been able to see anything, not myself or anyone around me, not even those closest to me. Of course you catch glimpses, of course there are moments the fog breaks a bit, but not for long and not much. But so much now, its all in high definition.... well parts of it, at least. Like dreams I have had, flying, soaring and seeing all below so closely and then suddenly everything from on high...

there is this beautiful, beautiful clarity.

A week long with events, and mine is least expected and so welcomed. JLFo welcomed a new Mrs into his life at the windy, sun drenched 14th avenue near their home, Panda and his Mrs welcomed a new life this morning. Eloquently worded woman next door prepares for adventures far from here and the Hair goes across the globe to tell about whats he's learned here in little sunny SC. And here I am feeling more full than i have in so long but with so little to report. But so much has happened.

Sunday, out of nowhere a girl i had never met before wrapped me up in questions that illuminated this knowledge I have carried around for 5 years now but have let lie dormant so much of the last few years. In all the words and realizations and shared commonality we had, she was somehow reminding me of why i began in the first place. Questions of who was this God to begin with and what is he all about? Is he a person? What is grace? Her desire to know and her searching through all of this mystery just turned this light in me outwards and I felt alive in ways you can't feel alive without just this sort of thing.

Today, nearing the end of my normal work day, after the normal laughter and silly banter we all share, after all the emails and all the details and all the small things, and the Hair having about 4 heartattacks, i make 3 calls. In the next hour, I am able to speak with 3 more who would help my light turned outward shine even more brightly than I am even able to understand. How can I share such intimate, intricate, illuminating things? How much do I say? How much can I say? As they happened, a thousand clear blue descriptions of these moments flashed before me, each such a perfect vignette of how this should be. I undeservedly stumbled upon these 3 so ready to share with me, so eager to talk and hash through things and be vulnerable, see-through.

Then my father and I had dinner and he became the 5th to make the light blinding. Without effort, without a second thought, i felt it all flowing out again. Like breathing, and it was so beautiful. I am no scholar, but Scripture I had learned and insights from Nouwen and DeMello were coming out of me, weaving a beautiful tapestry for him to see in a new view all he had regarded as so dead and gone for so long.

In all of this, i realized so much about me...

I woke up to this part of me that wants to "shepherd", to gather each of these and the so many others who i have talked with this past month who are hungry to be part of something, and just make something happen. To create a safe place for questions, a new place for things to grow, a rich place for people to walk away from different than when they came. A sanctuary.

I saw that after so much diligent prayer and so much yearning to be used "missionally" its not actually about me or my timing, but waiting on His. And in this time, so much more is seen and said. So much more learned and brightened and taken away

I also saw so clearly why a light should not be hidden under a bowl, why salt cannot lose its taste... and i saw how i have been dark and flavorless without even knowing it. Being placed to be light and salt is so mysteriously for others and for God and for us.

For others to feel the body move and to see its reality,

for God to glorify who He is

for us because we need it....

if we exist to live for Him and others, where are we when we are dark and without anything for others to taste? Are we even living at all?

I know the come down from this will be hard, I am so high up. I have a thousand more things to say, so much i have seen in this new light.

I am going to hope the longer i have the rest of this rumbling around up here, the richer it will be when i pour it out again.

eclectic by association

I am sorry to be so infrequent with you.

I spent time with faithful bloggers tonight and I want to join their world. I know much of what is awake in them is still sleeping in me. But being with them tonight made parts of me toss and turn. I felt eclectic by proximity, creative by association. Just listening to the languid, easy conversation, I want to write and write and write. Muse on interesting observations. I want to paint my thoughts. "It feels good having you here" was in my head all night.

What's been going on? I don't have all the energy I need to make it happen for you.

But tonight, oh, tonight, I felt less sleepy, more awake then ever. Just from start to finish, the moment I got to the office till I pulled away from it, was perfect in all its neat imperfection. I love our little community, with all its quirks, every bit of beauty and pain, always ever ongoing. Just how we all fit together, every faithful hand and face in all the right places. People so committed, so easily part of things. So much was right tonight in our big expansive room, recrafted and rebuilt week after week, people pouring out so much just to make it just right.

Watching the big M, tears welled up on my eyes, every one of her perfectly, messily placed words. Like watching someone paint a masterpiece without even blinking, every word was just right. I long to be so easy and rich in my words as she is. She is so much of how I am eclectic by association. Could I ever be part of that world?

I had spent much of last week in the hot/frozen midwest. My family, broken, in pain, removed, emptied from all of the harshness of life, ate up my insides. I wanted so much to just fix every problem, soothe every fear, make every pain easier with my wisdom and advice. But I was in stunned silence. Even full of contempt at times. I so easily judge them, but I neglect my own big issues.

The drama climaxed Friday morning, when I innocently asked why there was infant baptism. I should have sensed that my question would scratch the surface of a giant, boiling cauldron of hot magma waiting to explode at first touch (i hate my metaphors, where is justin when I need him? :) ). The room instantly turned into a giant theological debate about salvation, hell, mortal sin, and more and raged for a solid hour. Every one of my aunts took turns making points against me and my mothers "saved by grace" stand point and it all ended without resolution. The worst part was that about 8 of my young cousins, all attending religious schools, were listening to the argument, which offered little hope of an answer or of hope or much of anything at all. I tried to raise the point that over everything we should all try to be more like Jesus, but it was met with more argument and point proving. I still feel in a cloud about it all.

I know that heated debates are inevitable and that I may leave them with more questions than answers, but I guess somehow with family, its harder.

All I know is that I am hopeful and greatful for another year in Santa Cruz.