the novelty of youth --- and --- loneliness

i am at the national pastors convention this week in san diego. its quite good for me to be out of normal life for awhile. i do feel like one of the youngest people here, though, and its been ego boosting in a probably prideful and self-serving way. i feel like the token representative of youth here. like these older pastoral types (mostly white guys from middle america) are here and they are valid in their experience and insight, but i, yes i, hold the elusive understanding of what it is to be young (young!), hip (yes, hip!- well sort of), in tune with culture (the young hip culture!) and part of an emerging church (a young hip culturally saavy emerging church!). so i walk around feeling special and different and noticed. and i like it. in fact, i like it a little too much, i think, because i can tell my pride is making me think i am better than everyone. and then, as i sat chatting with dan and one of his friends and dan says he "stays young" by spending time with me and getting my insights, the reality struck me: my youth is simply a novelty.

and it will only last me so long.

so what is more substantial in me that i have to offer to others, even now, in my youth? because my youth is not my substance and it will not sustain.

also, loneliness. i came down here alone and spent the last day and half navigating around alone, with bits of hang out time with other people, but mostly alone. i enjoyed the novelty (such a good word) of the alone-ness, but a few hours ago, it began to feel heavy. i just like having people around who know me and can relate to me and get me. its good for me to feel this loneliness, as it helps me understand how it feels and how people in my life and church community might feel when they are new, alone, lonely, out of place. its vaccuous feeling. and real- palpable loneliness.