.

there is this thing waiting for me.

i tried to avoid it for a really long time, only touching on the very edges of it and sometimes stepping in maybe for a moment, but then recoiling, realizing what it would mean to stay. but its been coming after me, slowly, around my edges, and i am both terrified and curious about what it will do to me.

i began to read "rich christians in an age of hunger" last night, a book originally written in the 1970's, but recently republished. though a few things have circumstantially changed, the message within is the same. i am only about 20 pages in, but last night it messed me up so much that i couldnt sleep. when i woke up this morning, i had a vague sense of shift in me, and upon arriving to work, where there were and are hours and hours of work and busy-ness waiting for me, i let what i felt last night slip away.

a few hours ago, i realized the church was having its monthly clothes closet and food pantry in the gym. i had promised roberta and bill that i would visit to check things out. in the 18 or so months we have had our offices here at mission st, i have stepped foot in to that ministry maybe twice. honestly, i avoided it and wanted to avoid it today. but i made myself go over there, because i knew i needed to.

entering, i knew i would have to see things that made me uncomfortable. the smell of unshowered was there, mixed with mass produced food and sweat. i felt immediately like an imposter there, like someone pretending to understand. i wanted to find a face i knew, so i slipped back into the kitchen and there was roberta. she welcomed me and then took dessert back out to the gym, leaving me alone again. i wished i could be hiding back in my office upstairs, safe. i followed her back in there and then went to char, who was helping to organize and watch the clothes tables. after chatting with her for awhile, i realized i was completely ignoring the 50 people who sat eating quietly in the gym, who were here needing. but who was i to think i had anything to offer?

during the course of the next hour, i pushed myself to make conversation with some of the people there. initially, i was terrified to put myself out there to them, thinking they would reject me and find my privilege an insult. instead, they let me slip in to adjoining seats and ask simple questions and laugh with them, listening, and trying to relate. i am no saint, having nothing to offer them except my ears and my heart, to try to understand them. some were happy to chat, others put off, lots in between. at one point, allen and harry, a couple of characters who called a camp in the woods home, began teasing michele and her husband tom. they were obviously all close, family. michele told me not to believe any of them. they laughed around, knowingly, teasing. there was a lot just below michele's eyes and she was forcing herself not to show anyone.

then, a beautiful woman about my age came in, long hair and freckles and strong. she carried lyla, 2 or 3 years old and adorable. this woman began chatting with michele and tom, telling them she was done with finals and was about to begin working as a medical assistant. she chased lyla, laughing with allen and harry as they teased her about being a kid wrangler. i asked how they knew each other and michele told me "from the streets." i watched them interacting and it was so natural, except the woman was working, rising, living outside of their world. how she went from "the streets" to being a mother and student and now a professional, i didnt know, but wanted to ask so badly. i excused myself and after speaking with some of the other leaders, i found myself drawn back up here, to my desk, having to "get back to work."

but i dont know that i can do much else today, cause my heart feels both empty and disgusted, and full and ready. i have always been drawn to want to help "make a difference" in the world around me, always wanted to be part of some social change that was tangible and real. and i love that my job is in "ministry" where i can be part of local church, where out heart beats for the mission of drawing closer to God and helping others draw close to him, too. this is not necessarily a profitable or glamorous place, though we do all make a living at it and there is a weird little celebrity that develops when you are up in a front a few hundred people every week. regardless, i know that what i do makes a difference and thats a gift i must always be reminded to thank God for.

in that vein, i am beginning to feel and wonder if part of what happens when you are in church leadership is that you become a barometer of sorts. if your own journey with God begins to take twists and turns that change and mature your way of viewing the world, perhaps that becomes an indicator of where the ministry will begin to go. not to say ministry should be run by personalities, but when you are part of helping to make decisions for a church community, your can't help but allow your heart and your passions to influence what decisions you make and where you want to direct your energies.

next to my bed, the following books are scattered:

good news and good works
rich christians in an age of hunger
the irresistible revolution
the revolution: a field manual for changing your world
how people grow
the inner voice of love

their words are permeating me, slowly, surely. i can't get away from what they speak into me and i can't get away from the feeling that there is so much more to understand, to be, to know. there is something waiting for me in them, beyond them. i could not be more terrified or relieved.