I found out recently that I don’t know how to breathe.
We watched rob bells newest nooma video, breathe, at our prayer meeting this past Monday night. It was the third time I had seen it, and its all about the spiritual significance of breathing… how the greek word for Lord was "YHWH" and the way it was pronounced or spoken was as vowels, essentially as breathing sounds, as breath. And so rob bell does, as only rob bell can, an incredible job of weaving an engaging narrative/stream of conscious monologue around this metaphor/reality (are spiritual metaphors only metaphors to our practical minds? Are they, in fact, not metaphor but the simple reality of our existence as creatures of God? Is breathing itself speaking the name of God?). And as he spoke about the fact that most of our breath should be from our stomach (deep breath) and less from our chest (shallow breath) and that it gives us 90% of our energy, but the average person only taps in to 10-20% of the energy breath offers, and about how as a whole, our society is so harried and so busy and so stressed, that it takes 4 times more breaths per minute than we are supposed to, I found myself unable to even breathe just thinking about it. I became suddenly conscious of my most basic bodily function (one that, perhaps, in some mysterious way is simply speaking the name of God constantly, from my first to last breath, just breathing his Name) and realized I don’t think I know how to breathe. Because when I started paying attention to my breathing and where it comes from (mostly my chest) and how often (too often), I began to confuse the natural rhythm I thought I had with the learned way I actually breathe. Am I breathing too shallowly? Am I breathing too fast? Am I doing it wrong? Have I learned to do it wrong from the beginning and now I need to relearn? Shouldn’t this just come naturally?
This was the third time I had seen this video in a week, and each time, I got self conscious about my breathing, trying to breathe well, but not being able to think my way through it. and still writing this and suddenly being conscious of it again,
I am worried I don’t know how to breathe.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
answers
i feel like i have been answering a lot of questions... for work, mostly, because i am the go to girl for most anything. but when people come to you with those deeper questions- concerning tragedy, direction, possibility, hope, clarity, clarification, confusion- i begin to wonder if i am in any place to say a thing.
i think, in all my desire to fix the world, i want to have the answers. but to continually perpetuate my worldview and my experiences (which are the thing with which i have shaped my answers by), i get worried.
cause what if my worldview is wrong?
what if my experiences don't cross all the divides between us?
what if what i see right now is nothing compared to what i will see then?
cause this person i am now is so far from what i was even just a year ago.
can i settle on leaving things at a question mark?
i think, in all my desire to fix the world, i want to have the answers. but to continually perpetuate my worldview and my experiences (which are the thing with which i have shaped my answers by), i get worried.
cause what if my worldview is wrong?
what if my experiences don't cross all the divides between us?
what if what i see right now is nothing compared to what i will see then?
cause this person i am now is so far from what i was even just a year ago.
can i settle on leaving things at a question mark?
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
the inability to stop hoping
in coming out of something you expected to work- a relationship, a job, a friendship, anything of true significance to the heart- you have a hard time letting go of it. even if you logically understand that it was not good for it to continue, or that it had to end, or that you had no choice for whether it ended it or not and you have to accept where it is right now- you still hold on to the hope it promised you at the time of it being good/healthy/present. why? can't our logic overide our emotion here? why do we cling to hope in something that is finished?
i am watching that in many ways, in many people i know, in myself- that inability to stop hoping. even after so much time has passed, even after all discussion has been had, and all conclusions drawn, the tiniest bit of hope can still remain. you have reasoned every reason, but light still shines somewhere in that dark room with the door closed, uninvited. unexpected.
though painful in so many ways, because it can rob you of whats right now, i realized last night that i actually should find it inspiring, this inability to stop hoping. maybe hope is so strong, so powerful a force, that when you have it for someone, something, some situation, it takes time for that hope in that thing to change.
perhaps, hope is so powerful, that it never really goes away. maybe when you have hope in what was good at one time, its a hope in what is good at all times.
maybe we need to learn to hope transfer. i hope i dont lose my inability to stop hoping.
i am watching that in many ways, in many people i know, in myself- that inability to stop hoping. even after so much time has passed, even after all discussion has been had, and all conclusions drawn, the tiniest bit of hope can still remain. you have reasoned every reason, but light still shines somewhere in that dark room with the door closed, uninvited. unexpected.
though painful in so many ways, because it can rob you of whats right now, i realized last night that i actually should find it inspiring, this inability to stop hoping. maybe hope is so strong, so powerful a force, that when you have it for someone, something, some situation, it takes time for that hope in that thing to change.
perhaps, hope is so powerful, that it never really goes away. maybe when you have hope in what was good at one time, its a hope in what is good at all times.
maybe we need to learn to hope transfer. i hope i dont lose my inability to stop hoping.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
life life and more life
the heart is the core of who we are... our understanding, intellect, emotion, desire, will. unguarded and exposed, things tear away at it and everything is affected. and the heart numb, it almost stops living. it doesnt even know what to feel or think, or be. its just pumping and keeping you half conscious.
i am seeing my heart bruised and bleeding, me holding my skin together to keep it all inside- the bleeding- feeling like maybe i did this, i deserve this, not sure what happened. and the blood is drying and somehow in the shock of it, i got a needle and stitched myself up- the black thread stark on flesh. and in waking, i am wiping away the blood ... seeing my skin fresh again.
yes, there is an awakening. dead, numb -- for months. and now, awake. but not a sudden jolt, not an anxious awareness of a different state... its a slow waking, like on a good morning, when you have rested and are ready to get up and have a full day... ready to face it.
in that awakening, the heart, to do what it does best (which is to love), must forgive. at times, forgiveness feels impossible, impossible. but forgiveness and love, in the face of the reality of sin, are "inextricably bound together. God is continually, literally, second-by-second covering our sin under his sons blood and forgiving us our sins. God cannot love us unless He forgives us and cannot forgive us without a committment to love us. Love and forgiveness are equally bound together in all human relationships." (dan allender)
and so, the heart must forgive. not simply feel like forgiving, but must chose to forgive.
"Forgiveness is a not a feeling. Neither is it simply trying to forget the bad things done to us. it is an act of the will and heart. It is giving a person something they have not earned the right to have-- pardon. Forgiveness acknowledges that we have been wronged but it goes beyond that and extends mercy." (floyd mcclung)
In isaiah 53, we are given a prophecy about jesus and reminded of the bloody, violent sacrifice made that we might be forgiven. the images we see and feel are both the description of that violent sacrifice and the beautiful truth that forgiveness offers -- to be whole and to live.
"But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed."
"Still, it's what God had in mind all along, to crush him with pain.The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life. And God's plan will deeply prosper through him."
this heart can no longer hide because it is numb. its feeling again, finally. and so it choses forgiveness. how can it not?
"Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you."eph 4:32
i am seeing my heart bruised and bleeding, me holding my skin together to keep it all inside- the bleeding- feeling like maybe i did this, i deserve this, not sure what happened. and the blood is drying and somehow in the shock of it, i got a needle and stitched myself up- the black thread stark on flesh. and in waking, i am wiping away the blood ... seeing my skin fresh again.
yes, there is an awakening. dead, numb -- for months. and now, awake. but not a sudden jolt, not an anxious awareness of a different state... its a slow waking, like on a good morning, when you have rested and are ready to get up and have a full day... ready to face it.
in that awakening, the heart, to do what it does best (which is to love), must forgive. at times, forgiveness feels impossible, impossible. but forgiveness and love, in the face of the reality of sin, are "inextricably bound together. God is continually, literally, second-by-second covering our sin under his sons blood and forgiving us our sins. God cannot love us unless He forgives us and cannot forgive us without a committment to love us. Love and forgiveness are equally bound together in all human relationships." (dan allender)
and so, the heart must forgive. not simply feel like forgiving, but must chose to forgive.
"Forgiveness is a not a feeling. Neither is it simply trying to forget the bad things done to us. it is an act of the will and heart. It is giving a person something they have not earned the right to have-- pardon. Forgiveness acknowledges that we have been wronged but it goes beyond that and extends mercy." (floyd mcclung)
In isaiah 53, we are given a prophecy about jesus and reminded of the bloody, violent sacrifice made that we might be forgiven. the images we see and feel are both the description of that violent sacrifice and the beautiful truth that forgiveness offers -- to be whole and to live.
"But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed."
"Still, it's what God had in mind all along, to crush him with pain.The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life. And God's plan will deeply prosper through him."
this heart can no longer hide because it is numb. its feeling again, finally. and so it choses forgiveness. how can it not?
"Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you."eph 4:32
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
the novelty of youth --- and --- loneliness
i am at the national pastors convention this week in san diego. its quite good for me to be out of normal life for awhile. i do feel like one of the youngest people here, though, and its been ego boosting in a probably prideful and self-serving way. i feel like the token representative of youth here. like these older pastoral types (mostly white guys from middle america) are here and they are valid in their experience and insight, but i, yes i, hold the elusive understanding of what it is to be young (young!), hip (yes, hip!- well sort of), in tune with culture (the young hip culture!) and part of an emerging church (a young hip culturally saavy emerging church!). so i walk around feeling special and different and noticed. and i like it. in fact, i like it a little too much, i think, because i can tell my pride is making me think i am better than everyone. and then, as i sat chatting with dan and one of his friends and dan says he "stays young" by spending time with me and getting my insights, the reality struck me: my youth is simply a novelty.
and it will only last me so long.
so what is more substantial in me that i have to offer to others, even now, in my youth? because my youth is not my substance and it will not sustain.
also, loneliness. i came down here alone and spent the last day and half navigating around alone, with bits of hang out time with other people, but mostly alone. i enjoyed the novelty (such a good word) of the alone-ness, but a few hours ago, it began to feel heavy. i just like having people around who know me and can relate to me and get me. its good for me to feel this loneliness, as it helps me understand how it feels and how people in my life and church community might feel when they are new, alone, lonely, out of place. its vaccuous feeling. and real- palpable loneliness.
and it will only last me so long.
so what is more substantial in me that i have to offer to others, even now, in my youth? because my youth is not my substance and it will not sustain.
also, loneliness. i came down here alone and spent the last day and half navigating around alone, with bits of hang out time with other people, but mostly alone. i enjoyed the novelty (such a good word) of the alone-ness, but a few hours ago, it began to feel heavy. i just like having people around who know me and can relate to me and get me. its good for me to feel this loneliness, as it helps me understand how it feels and how people in my life and church community might feel when they are new, alone, lonely, out of place. its vaccuous feeling. and real- palpable loneliness.
Monday, February 05, 2007
innocence
dan spoke tonight about how we need to be constantly recognizing our identity as justified and righteous in gods sight... and how living the identity as one who is set free from sin and seen as holy and pure by god should inspire and encourage and compell us to live lives striving for purity and holiness. though we are sinners and fall short, if we constantly live in that identity, we can never break out of our cycle of sin-- and can sometimes even use our idea that we are "just sinners" to justfiy us staying in sin and subtly abusing God's grace and forgiveness. it was an important reminder for us all, as we humans are in the constant state of understanding our need for this, then failing... thinking we have it right and then falling flat on our face to find we need to be lifted back up again.
dan quotes cs lewis at the end of his message
"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased"
as part of the gathering, the creative arts team had set up a prayer path, with small pretty stones covered in mud. the prayer path was to kneel down at the "mudpie" and put your hands in it, recognizing that as we continue to sin and not strive for holiness, we are settling for mud. the second part of the path was to take one of these small stones out of the mud, wash it in a basin of water and wipe it clean, recongizing that we can chose to not play in the mud and see the true beauty of purity in our lives.
as i approached the prayer station, one of the kids in our community stood by the station observing people go through the path, telling them "you can keep those if you want, you know." as i kneeled down next to him, i felt like i should feel this heavy weight on me, that i should bear the guilt of sins i have committed knowing full well that i was taking advantage of Gods grace. but instead there was this bright boy, his innocence radiating, reminding me that this small stone, representing the innocence and purity and holiness i have in Gods sight, can indeed be kept by me. i invited him to pick a stone out with me and we both picked them out together, put them in the water, feeling the mud sticky, then washed away in one simple act. then wiped clean in the towel.
i looked at it in the light, held it up. "look," i told him, "hold it up to the light!" and he did and it was a moment, both of us holding up our stones, letting the light shine through.
dan quotes cs lewis at the end of his message
"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased"
as part of the gathering, the creative arts team had set up a prayer path, with small pretty stones covered in mud. the prayer path was to kneel down at the "mudpie" and put your hands in it, recognizing that as we continue to sin and not strive for holiness, we are settling for mud. the second part of the path was to take one of these small stones out of the mud, wash it in a basin of water and wipe it clean, recongizing that we can chose to not play in the mud and see the true beauty of purity in our lives.
as i approached the prayer station, one of the kids in our community stood by the station observing people go through the path, telling them "you can keep those if you want, you know." as i kneeled down next to him, i felt like i should feel this heavy weight on me, that i should bear the guilt of sins i have committed knowing full well that i was taking advantage of Gods grace. but instead there was this bright boy, his innocence radiating, reminding me that this small stone, representing the innocence and purity and holiness i have in Gods sight, can indeed be kept by me. i invited him to pick a stone out with me and we both picked them out together, put them in the water, feeling the mud sticky, then washed away in one simple act. then wiped clean in the towel.
i looked at it in the light, held it up. "look," i told him, "hold it up to the light!" and he did and it was a moment, both of us holding up our stones, letting the light shine through.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
i'm sick
yes, as you have heard in little bits over the last few posts, i am indeed, sick. what i realized today is that its not like i have this really bad illness that won't go away. what i actually have is a compromised immune system that is allowing all sorts of bugs and bacteria and virus' into my body, and bit by bit, those stupid things are making me sick with a whole plethora of different sicknesses- back to back and without much break in between. my body probably doesn't even know what it feels like to be healthy, its felt so bad for so long.
so, finally, i took a few days off this week. this is the end of day three. i usually go stircrazy from being alone for so long, but its actually been quite enjoyable being alone and not really talking very much. i have liked it. but i am still going stir crazy and i am only going stir crazy because i have so much to do at work that i am near panic that i wont get it done in time. one of those things i have to do is prepare to speak again on sunday. so what do i chose to do with my time? blog.
but this is good, its part of the process. you see, because i am processing what i am thinking and learning as i study to speak. i am speaking on how we can't change without each other, the role our community has in our transformation. and i have been reading in "how people grow" by cloud and townsend all about the role of the Body in an individuals journey toward change. and though sometimes it feels like the body metaphor is overused and sort of like, yeah yeah, the church is the Body of Christ, blah blah-- right now, its just so real to me, so just, alive (the Body, its alive! ALIVE!)
the authors of this book point out the amazing reality of how the physical body functions--
"for this is what the physical body does when one cell suffers. it sends healing to the injured part of the body. if you have a wounded arm, for example, the body sends antibodies, healing agents, fresh oxygenated blood, white cells, information, anti-inflammatory agents, and so on to that limb. And they do their healing work."
-- and then go on to compare that to how the Body of Christ is to work-- that some bring grace and love as anti-inflammatory agents.... others mourn together and their tears flush out sickness.... teachers offer truth to a wound and help build a strong cellular structure.... when it all works together, infections are healed.
as i study this, i remember that i read "the gift of pain" last year and how its a longer, deeper look into the paralells between the physical body and the spiritual one- and is especially specific on the role pain plays both in the growth of our body and our soul.
so in thinking of our brokeness, as individuals and as a Body--of our sickness both physically and spiritually-- of how we are healed and how sometimes we remain sick, i wonder what the metaphor i am living in means?
"He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow" (Col 2:19)
"From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work" (Eph 4:16)
so, finally, i took a few days off this week. this is the end of day three. i usually go stircrazy from being alone for so long, but its actually been quite enjoyable being alone and not really talking very much. i have liked it. but i am still going stir crazy and i am only going stir crazy because i have so much to do at work that i am near panic that i wont get it done in time. one of those things i have to do is prepare to speak again on sunday. so what do i chose to do with my time? blog.
but this is good, its part of the process. you see, because i am processing what i am thinking and learning as i study to speak. i am speaking on how we can't change without each other, the role our community has in our transformation. and i have been reading in "how people grow" by cloud and townsend all about the role of the Body in an individuals journey toward change. and though sometimes it feels like the body metaphor is overused and sort of like, yeah yeah, the church is the Body of Christ, blah blah-- right now, its just so real to me, so just, alive (the Body, its alive! ALIVE!)
the authors of this book point out the amazing reality of how the physical body functions--
"for this is what the physical body does when one cell suffers. it sends healing to the injured part of the body. if you have a wounded arm, for example, the body sends antibodies, healing agents, fresh oxygenated blood, white cells, information, anti-inflammatory agents, and so on to that limb. And they do their healing work."
-- and then go on to compare that to how the Body of Christ is to work-- that some bring grace and love as anti-inflammatory agents.... others mourn together and their tears flush out sickness.... teachers offer truth to a wound and help build a strong cellular structure.... when it all works together, infections are healed.
as i study this, i remember that i read "the gift of pain" last year and how its a longer, deeper look into the paralells between the physical body and the spiritual one- and is especially specific on the role pain plays both in the growth of our body and our soul.
so in thinking of our brokeness, as individuals and as a Body--of our sickness both physically and spiritually-- of how we are healed and how sometimes we remain sick, i wonder what the metaphor i am living in means?
"He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow" (Col 2:19)
"From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work" (Eph 4:16)
Monday, January 15, 2007
i am still breathing garlic
i was eating dinner at a ministry meeting with some friends this evening and had some garlic bread. it was yummy and perfect in the context of a lasagna and salad dinner. i enjoyed it (though i was a bit paranoid about my breath, as i often am). then, just as dinner was ending, our lovely hosts plopped down a big bowl of m&m's in front of us. i tried to resist, but couldn't. i got a handful and happily began munching away. the unfortunate part of that was i hadnt waited long enough after the garlic to eat these tasty treats, so i got a mouthful of garlicky chocolate. being wise and having an extensive knowledge of the taste palette, i figured if i ate more chocolate, eventually the garlic taste would wear off. but no.
in about 15 minutes, as we talked and checked in and readied to pray for each other, we put the m&m's on the coffeetable and i decided to try and have some more- cause i want the chocolate taste, not the garlic taste, in my mouth as we talked to God. but no, the garlic was still there. fine.
after prayer, pre-discussion time, we were offered some more sugary goodness. cookies and strawberries. so i had a chocolate chip cookie, thinking it would be just fine. well more than fine. i had decided it was high time for my mouth to have a new sensation, experience something different and yummy and non-garlicky. while the garlic had faded, the cookie somehow just did not taste as good as i expected. so i had some more cookie. more has to be the answer, right?
no.
so i then had a strawberry. though sweet, it was fresh, refreshing, really. it gave me a good feeling.
earlier today, in what felt like an endless series of meetings, i had grabbed a big container of hershey kisses and began devouring them. my bloodsugar gets low in the afternoon and i need these to help keep me awake, you see. its really more about practicality than it is about taste. well, at first it is about practicality, then it becomes a nice treat. but after the first 3, its hard to stop. i am probably just hungry and need some actual food, but somehow reason that the kisses will be enough. so i keep eating them and eating them. at some point, i cant even taste the sweetness anymore. i just want them to fill me up.
and they don't.
the worst part is that i have been sick for almost 2 months with this stupid flu/cold/cough thing and last week, thought i had almost fought it off. then a sore throat returned this week. so i have really needed to be more disciplined about what i eat and how i take care of myself. avoiding sugar would be smart. but i can't seem to stop eating it. and once i get going on it, i just can't get enough. not that sugar is bad all the time, but this just isnt the time.
and it struck me, as i breathed my garlic breath over my sore throat on the drive home and felt my stomach turn from too much sugar:
there is thing i have with trying to fix things with the wrong solutions... even when i know what the right solution would be.
and there is this thing i have with wanting more of things i know i shouldnt have, in a timeframe that is usually sooner than what is best.
in about 15 minutes, as we talked and checked in and readied to pray for each other, we put the m&m's on the coffeetable and i decided to try and have some more- cause i want the chocolate taste, not the garlic taste, in my mouth as we talked to God. but no, the garlic was still there. fine.
after prayer, pre-discussion time, we were offered some more sugary goodness. cookies and strawberries. so i had a chocolate chip cookie, thinking it would be just fine. well more than fine. i had decided it was high time for my mouth to have a new sensation, experience something different and yummy and non-garlicky. while the garlic had faded, the cookie somehow just did not taste as good as i expected. so i had some more cookie. more has to be the answer, right?
no.
so i then had a strawberry. though sweet, it was fresh, refreshing, really. it gave me a good feeling.
earlier today, in what felt like an endless series of meetings, i had grabbed a big container of hershey kisses and began devouring them. my bloodsugar gets low in the afternoon and i need these to help keep me awake, you see. its really more about practicality than it is about taste. well, at first it is about practicality, then it becomes a nice treat. but after the first 3, its hard to stop. i am probably just hungry and need some actual food, but somehow reason that the kisses will be enough. so i keep eating them and eating them. at some point, i cant even taste the sweetness anymore. i just want them to fill me up.
and they don't.
the worst part is that i have been sick for almost 2 months with this stupid flu/cold/cough thing and last week, thought i had almost fought it off. then a sore throat returned this week. so i have really needed to be more disciplined about what i eat and how i take care of myself. avoiding sugar would be smart. but i can't seem to stop eating it. and once i get going on it, i just can't get enough. not that sugar is bad all the time, but this just isnt the time.
and it struck me, as i breathed my garlic breath over my sore throat on the drive home and felt my stomach turn from too much sugar:
there is thing i have with trying to fix things with the wrong solutions... even when i know what the right solution would be.
and there is this thing i have with wanting more of things i know i shouldnt have, in a timeframe that is usually sooner than what is best.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
what a day to begin breathing
its loud upstairs
sounds i cant see, noise i cant know
just persistent and always
i drive home the same ways, see lights in a row
and
stop
and
go
songs unfamiliar, their words bleed inside, saying things that are right
i want you to write my soul, you say it so much better than i could
"bring on the evening as i cry, bring on the evidence of my life"
these days are so sweet, empty from the way that sorrow would suffocate
but there is that wondering, and waiting,
and... and.... and...
then, i find the decision to just be here, be here, be here
and i want to stay
sounds i cant see, noise i cant know
just persistent and always
i drive home the same ways, see lights in a row
and
stop
and
go
songs unfamiliar, their words bleed inside, saying things that are right
i want you to write my soul, you say it so much better than i could
"bring on the evening as i cry, bring on the evidence of my life"
these days are so sweet, empty from the way that sorrow would suffocate
but there is that wondering, and waiting,
and... and.... and...
then, i find the decision to just be here, be here, be here
and i want to stay
Saturday, January 06, 2007
addiction
i felt compelled to say that at this late hour, i am not tired. moreover, i am not ready to sleep. even more... i am addicted to "alias." i cannot stop watching it, no matter how hard i try, i just can't. i am addicted to the crazy fight scenes where sydney kills the bad guy, gets what she needs and beats all the odds. i am addicted to the storyline, which can't seem to get more complex or intriguing, but always does. i am addicted to the way vaughn pines after sydney, he gets this look in his eye and its just like, oh.
Monday, January 01, 2007
fearfully and wonderfully made
every year, my family gets massages as part of our christmas gift. it sounds kind of weird, yeah, but its one of the few things that will get my punk brothers to actually show up and hang out with the rest of the family :) so this is something nice to look forward to each year, because who doesnt like a massage?
this year, as we sat waiting to get taken to our rooms for the massages, i told my sis and bro that i really hoped i didnt get a guy cause that would definitely be kind of awkward. i didnt want to have to feel awkward when a massage is supposed to be relaxing. and dont you know it, when my masseuse came, he was, in fact, a guy. i smiled and laughed to myself... awesome.
now, being an extrovert and the way i am, i get anxious in silence, especially with people i dont know. i have a tough time not talking to the person giving me a massage when i get one (see july 05 blog). this year, i was just wanting peace- i was not really looking forward to having to make small talk with a stranger for an hour, in a dark room, with airy new age music going on in the background (not that i think new age music is wrong, i just dont personally prefer it). so i wasnt stoked on the added weirdness of having a guy masseuse. hmmm, how is this going to go?
when my masseuse (jason) took me to the room, i was pleasantly surprised to find it a well lit and spacious room. it smelled really inviting and the music was soft, eclectic world music, with a sort of indian flavor to it. laying on my back with a blanket over me, jason put his hands out over me, not touching me at all... he then slowly moved them down and pressed his hands into the small of my back and i heard him sort of whispering-- i am not sure if he was praying or what, but it definitely felt like he took a moment to think through what he was doing, to sort of honor the experience.
as my massage began, i was surprised to feel overcome with peace- a sense that i could talk if i wanted or i could just be quiet. i felt very comfortable, very at ease. jason told me a bit about different types of massage and different theories about muscle work, which was good-- keep it professional, help assure he wasnt creepy. he also began telling me about how massage therapists travel quite a bit and dont usually stay in one place too long... many are very "spiritual" he said, and like to visit Africa, India and experience those cultures and religions. this really struck me, because as jason worked very carefully on my different muscles, i could tell he was treating them each very delicately and had a very deep respect for each part of the body, for the intricate way the body is made up. this got me to thinking about the body and the fact that God has crafted each of us so very particularly and uniquely. and i started to imagine how it must have been for God when he was creating the body... carefully looking over each part, putting each piece together, smiling at the beauty he was creating. and i imagined how he must have marveled when it was all done- thinking "this is good."
perhaps, i wondered, as jason began to work out the crazy knots on my upper back, the reason many massage therapists are so spritiual is that they get to deal with the body all the time... and they arent necessarily looking at it clinically or intellectually, really, but as this intricate beautiful masterpiece- each part connected to the other, the muscles all tied together with the rest of the systems of the body... and how touching them in a certain way and helping to relieve the stress of the everyday (jason said that the smallest things we do can affect our muscles-- how we type, how we answer the phone, how we use a mouse) can make them function the way they were originally meant to work.
i was surprised during the massage at how much my body reacted to being touched in this "therapeutic" way by someone who knew so much about muscles and how to help them relax. as my body eased and was able to release all the tension, stress, and tightness it held, i began to feel other things leave me - confusion, sadness, worry... the body tied up so closely with all my feelings. how does that work? our bodies, minds, hearts, souls are all tangled and touching- we can't separate them and when one hurts, all the others seem to follow suit.
we are fearfully and wonderfully made
this year, as we sat waiting to get taken to our rooms for the massages, i told my sis and bro that i really hoped i didnt get a guy cause that would definitely be kind of awkward. i didnt want to have to feel awkward when a massage is supposed to be relaxing. and dont you know it, when my masseuse came, he was, in fact, a guy. i smiled and laughed to myself... awesome.
now, being an extrovert and the way i am, i get anxious in silence, especially with people i dont know. i have a tough time not talking to the person giving me a massage when i get one (see july 05 blog). this year, i was just wanting peace- i was not really looking forward to having to make small talk with a stranger for an hour, in a dark room, with airy new age music going on in the background (not that i think new age music is wrong, i just dont personally prefer it). so i wasnt stoked on the added weirdness of having a guy masseuse. hmmm, how is this going to go?
when my masseuse (jason) took me to the room, i was pleasantly surprised to find it a well lit and spacious room. it smelled really inviting and the music was soft, eclectic world music, with a sort of indian flavor to it. laying on my back with a blanket over me, jason put his hands out over me, not touching me at all... he then slowly moved them down and pressed his hands into the small of my back and i heard him sort of whispering-- i am not sure if he was praying or what, but it definitely felt like he took a moment to think through what he was doing, to sort of honor the experience.
as my massage began, i was surprised to feel overcome with peace- a sense that i could talk if i wanted or i could just be quiet. i felt very comfortable, very at ease. jason told me a bit about different types of massage and different theories about muscle work, which was good-- keep it professional, help assure he wasnt creepy. he also began telling me about how massage therapists travel quite a bit and dont usually stay in one place too long... many are very "spiritual" he said, and like to visit Africa, India and experience those cultures and religions. this really struck me, because as jason worked very carefully on my different muscles, i could tell he was treating them each very delicately and had a very deep respect for each part of the body, for the intricate way the body is made up. this got me to thinking about the body and the fact that God has crafted each of us so very particularly and uniquely. and i started to imagine how it must have been for God when he was creating the body... carefully looking over each part, putting each piece together, smiling at the beauty he was creating. and i imagined how he must have marveled when it was all done- thinking "this is good."
perhaps, i wondered, as jason began to work out the crazy knots on my upper back, the reason many massage therapists are so spritiual is that they get to deal with the body all the time... and they arent necessarily looking at it clinically or intellectually, really, but as this intricate beautiful masterpiece- each part connected to the other, the muscles all tied together with the rest of the systems of the body... and how touching them in a certain way and helping to relieve the stress of the everyday (jason said that the smallest things we do can affect our muscles-- how we type, how we answer the phone, how we use a mouse) can make them function the way they were originally meant to work.
i was surprised during the massage at how much my body reacted to being touched in this "therapeutic" way by someone who knew so much about muscles and how to help them relax. as my body eased and was able to release all the tension, stress, and tightness it held, i began to feel other things leave me - confusion, sadness, worry... the body tied up so closely with all my feelings. how does that work? our bodies, minds, hearts, souls are all tangled and touching- we can't separate them and when one hurts, all the others seem to follow suit.
we are fearfully and wonderfully made
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
children of men
on christmas night, i went to see "children of men" with a bunch of boys (sorry, i mean "men" :) ) in san jose. it was the first time in i cant remember how long that i spent time with friends instead of family on christmas night. being a product of a two family system, usually i have two christmas', but my mom is in ohio this year, so we only had one. so i got the chance to join some of the san jose men for what seemed to be a yearly tradition they have of seeing a movie on chr
istmas night. we ventured to the ultra hip CineArts theatre on santana row and sat in a sold out audience to take in what has to be one of my favorite movies of the year.
not many people have heard of this film, which is a shame, because its elegant and jarring, epic and subtle, and all those other great reviewer words that will get attached to it eventually. the premise is that in 2027, the world has crumbled into chaos because humans have become infertile - the youngest person on earth, at 18, has just died, causing worldwide mourning. the last "civil" country is the UK and they have become a police state, deporting or detaining all illegal immigrants into refugee camps and closely monitoring the population through survelliance cameras and and an oppressive military presence. we dont know why humans have become infertile, nor the details of what the rest of the world even looks like or how exactly it has deteriorated. mostly what we know is that things are not good- so not good that they cage people at train terminals, force fertility tests and sell home-suicide kits like claritin.
the main character, theo (clive owen, who i have decided is an incredibly striking and engaging actor, and well, pretty darn hot) is a depressed government worker sullenly drinking himself to death to dull the reality of what the world has become. but he must awaken himself from the numb when his ex-wife, julian, enlists him to help transport an illegal immigrant to the coast. julian and theo used to be activists when they were together, but theo seems to have defected and detached from everything he used to be when their son was killed in the flu pandemic that struck just before the infertility. it seems that in getting theo to help her, julian is able to uncover the part of theo that used to be passionate about something-- and that part slowly becomes inflamed once julian is murdered and his mission to bring the immigrant to the coast becomes illuminated- we find out that this immigrant is in fact pregnant with the first baby to be conceived in almost 20 years.
the movie becomes their mission to get this pregnant girl to saftey. and slowly, in all the madness and in all the violence and all the chaos, this one life becomes the single hope for the rest of the world.
yes, yes, the parallels to christmas/mary/jesus are obvious once you start looking for them - but the brilliance of this film is that they dont hit you over the head with it at all. once the concept is fully realized, you are so moved by the subtly in which its been presented and by the freshness of seeing it in a new context, that you cant help but be changed.
this movie does something to you-- the setting and imagery is so familiar and the imminent threat of a world becoming this chaotic is so believable-- that the movie gives this insane sense of urgency. urgency that we need to live as we were created to live--well, more specifically to seek out the thing that created us to live and to pursue it with everything we have, at any cost.
despite the urgency i feel, i am still left feeling somewhat inadequate in my current state. does everyone wonder if they are doing enough?
see that movie.
istmas night. we ventured to the ultra hip CineArts theatre on santana row and sat in a sold out audience to take in what has to be one of my favorite movies of the year.not many people have heard of this film, which is a shame, because its elegant and jarring, epic and subtle, and all those other great reviewer words that will get attached to it eventually. the premise is that in 2027, the world has crumbled into chaos because humans have become infertile - the youngest person on earth, at 18, has just died, causing worldwide mourning. the last "civil" country is the UK and they have become a police state, deporting or detaining all illegal immigrants into refugee camps and closely monitoring the population through survelliance cameras and and an oppressive military presence. we dont know why humans have become infertile, nor the details of what the rest of the world even looks like or how exactly it has deteriorated. mostly what we know is that things are not good- so not good that they cage people at train terminals, force fertility tests and sell home-suicide kits like claritin.
the main character, theo (clive owen, who i have decided is an incredibly striking and engaging actor, and well, pretty darn hot) is a depressed government worker sullenly drinking himself to death to dull the reality of what the world has become. but he must awaken himself from the numb when his ex-wife, julian, enlists him to help transport an illegal immigrant to the coast. julian and theo used to be activists when they were together, but theo seems to have defected and detached from everything he used to be when their son was killed in the flu pandemic that struck just before the infertility. it seems that in getting theo to help her, julian is able to uncover the part of theo that used to be passionate about something-- and that part slowly becomes inflamed once julian is murdered and his mission to bring the immigrant to the coast becomes illuminated- we find out that this immigrant is in fact pregnant with the first baby to be conceived in almost 20 years.
the movie becomes their mission to get this pregnant girl to saftey. and slowly, in all the madness and in all the violence and all the chaos, this one life becomes the single hope for the rest of the world.
yes, yes, the parallels to christmas/mary/jesus are obvious once you start looking for them - but the brilliance of this film is that they dont hit you over the head with it at all. once the concept is fully realized, you are so moved by the subtly in which its been presented and by the freshness of seeing it in a new context, that you cant help but be changed.
this movie does something to you-- the setting and imagery is so familiar and the imminent threat of a world becoming this chaotic is so believable-- that the movie gives this insane sense of urgency. urgency that we need to live as we were created to live--well, more specifically to seek out the thing that created us to live and to pursue it with everything we have, at any cost.
despite the urgency i feel, i am still left feeling somewhat inadequate in my current state. does everyone wonder if they are doing enough?
see that movie.
Friday, December 22, 2006
cinque terra.... epic aloneness
this is one of the most gorgeous places on the face of the planet. i spent a day and night here alone, sort of. it was glorious.
MONTEROSSO
this was the view from a rock i sat on for about an hour and journaled from. i spent a lot of time that day writing and thinking and listening and observing. i like to watch people, scenes unfold. i have trouble, though, letting my own life unfold. cinque terra taught me a bit about slowing.
this is the other view from the journaling rock. i like when landscapes are half covered in shade. its calming for some reason. there were a lot of boats sort of lazing about in this tiny bay. no one was ever rushing.
this is the biggest beach in montessoro... you had to pay 15 euro to lay on one of these lounge chairs. being the bargain hunter i am, i took a towel from my hotel room that barely stretched past my knees and went to one of the "free" tiny beaches on the other side of this beach. lots of men in speedos, lots of women in barely anything. a truly european experience.
these are my legs and feet. i spent a lot of time being worried about my legs being too white compared to all the crazy beautiful italians. this day, i was ok with them.
this is a wonderful couple from america who i shared a room with. we each seperately all thinking we would pop into monterosso that day without a room booking and then met at this random "b and b" which turned out to be some guys random apartment, which ended up being a dead end in trying to find lodging. after a dozen calls trying to find any available rooms in the tiny city, we realized getting a triple was our only solution. though on their honeymoon, the couple were happy to let me crash with them. we had a great discussion over dinner that night and i ended up giving them my copy of "velvet elvis" after a cool discussion we all had about faith.
the streets of monterosso by night.
the bay of monterosso by night.
VERNAZZA
after my day alone/night with the honeymooners, marissa and mikey met me at the train station. they missed the first train into town, which led me to believe they would never make it and i would be stranded there in that tiny town and lose them for the rest of the trip. luckily, one hour later, they made it :) we spent the day in the sun (mikey hiding in the shade of other peoples umbrella's) then trekked from monterosso to vernazza in the rain.
vernazza is tiny, picturesque and addicting. we never wanted to leave it.
view from the wharf where we sat, eating fruit from the market, wishing we could spend always here.
MONTEROSSO
this was the view from a rock i sat on for about an hour and journaled from. i spent a lot of time that day writing and thinking and listening and observing. i like to watch people, scenes unfold. i have trouble, though, letting my own life unfold. cinque terra taught me a bit about slowing.
this is the other view from the journaling rock. i like when landscapes are half covered in shade. its calming for some reason. there were a lot of boats sort of lazing about in this tiny bay. no one was ever rushing.
this is the biggest beach in montessoro... you had to pay 15 euro to lay on one of these lounge chairs. being the bargain hunter i am, i took a towel from my hotel room that barely stretched past my knees and went to one of the "free" tiny beaches on the other side of this beach. lots of men in speedos, lots of women in barely anything. a truly european experience.
these are my legs and feet. i spent a lot of time being worried about my legs being too white compared to all the crazy beautiful italians. this day, i was ok with them.
this is a wonderful couple from america who i shared a room with. we each seperately all thinking we would pop into monterosso that day without a room booking and then met at this random "b and b" which turned out to be some guys random apartment, which ended up being a dead end in trying to find lodging. after a dozen calls trying to find any available rooms in the tiny city, we realized getting a triple was our only solution. though on their honeymoon, the couple were happy to let me crash with them. we had a great discussion over dinner that night and i ended up giving them my copy of "velvet elvis" after a cool discussion we all had about faith.
the streets of monterosso by night.
the bay of monterosso by night.
VERNAZZA
after my day alone/night with the honeymooners, marissa and mikey met me at the train station. they missed the first train into town, which led me to believe they would never make it and i would be stranded there in that tiny town and lose them for the rest of the trip. luckily, one hour later, they made it :) we spent the day in the sun (mikey hiding in the shade of other peoples umbrella's) then trekked from monterosso to vernazza in the rain.
vernazza is tiny, picturesque and addicting. we never wanted to leave it.
view from the wharf where we sat, eating fruit from the market, wishing we could spend always here.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
late nights and the shopping vortex
its 2am. i have been sick for 2 weeks and in a vicious cycle of sleeping for 12 hours, going to work late, getting a minimal amount of work done, going home exhausted, watching "alias" (which is like crack cocaine for the tv-minded, i swear, i watched 3 episodes tonight and i cant seem to get enough), hacking up sweet loogies all over the place (the streets of santa cruz beware!), staying up late cause im not tired and then doing it all again. plus its christmas time and i am trying to be creative and thoughtful with gifts, but lose motivation when i realize i have 5 days to get anything done and no energy in which to do them. its also freeeeeezing, frickin freezing out... coldest its been in 30 years.
being after 2am and wide awake, i now find myself up with all sorts of energy and creativity, but no motivation in which to channel it. what happens to us late at night that makes everything so alive?? once you hit a threshold of lateness, you are sort of in a zone- you just sort of get sucked in to whatever will hold your attention and though you know, you KNOW you need to sleep cause tomorrow will suck if you don't, nothing in the world seems less appealing than going to sleep. but what to do, what to do?
tonight, i chose to blog, though i dont even really have a point to this blog. usually i do. or try to at least. this one is sort of stream of consciousness. though i know that i could write this in my journal or in word and save it as "12.20.06 random late night thoughts"... to blog feels better. maybe for me, its that connection to the outside world, the thought that i am putting my very own thoughts out onto this crazy invisible connection shared by millions around the world and perhaps because its put out there, it will matter.
earlier tonight, i spent about 2 hours in target with my sister and roommate. being the geniuses we are, we drove out to target in holiday traffic (making a 15 min trip take an hour). at one point, after 30 min in traffic, i made my roommate get out of the car at a red light to grab my bag with my phone in it from the trunk. she jumped out, grabbed the bag and the minute she got back in swore and realized she had the wrong bag. so i jumped out, grabbed the other bag and just as i got back in the light turned green and i swore, we laughed, and i started the car as fast as i could.
before target, we went to get food at albertsons next to target, wasting a solid 15 min waiting for our deli clerk to make one stinking veggie sandwich. we all stood there in disbelief as she made the sandwich, chopping each ingredient, placing it all together... somehow, it seemed like time stood still, like there was no time anymore, just us, staring at the deli counter, analyzing the various lunch items, wondering if we would ever get out of there.
we then entered the shopping vortex of target. why i love target is a many faceted explanation-- an explanation of which i will tell you about if you ever go to target with me. as i try on cute sweaters in the dressing room, i will tell you i love target cause of how soft the fabric of the sweater is and its only 2o bucks. while i roam through the aisle dedicated to home fragrances and airsprays, i will tell you i love target because of its wide selection of options for home fragrance. as i peruse the bedding section, i will tell you i love target for its clean white jersey knit sheet set that is also only 20 bucks. when i find a sweet smelling candle with a funky design on the outside, i will tell you i love target for its up-to-the-minute design sensibility and reasonable pricing. as my sister and i spend 20 min looking at make-up, giggling like maniacs and talking to each other in silly voices, me with a shopping cart loaded to the brim trying to find the right eyeliner, my sister wearing the pink robe she plans on buying and telling me why i should buy blue eyeliner, i will tell you i love target because of its vast variety of products which allow funny moments between sisters to occur that are completely unplanned and totally necessary.
much earlier today, the staff went out to a surprise lunch together where we were treated to kianti's and everyone on staff got a pair of converse (my fav shoes ever). we all ate yummy pasta and shared our favorite christmas memories and traditions. at one point, i texted a friend who lived nearby and told him to bring a camera so we could remember this fun event, jokingly telling him not to ask any questions. by accident, i texted his son instead and though confused, his son left work, came all the way down to the restaraunt and was ready for whatever we needed. he had the sweetest most confused look on his face and i just loved him for it.
though i dont buy the myth/expectation that the christmas/holidays are supposed to hold all sorts of heartwarming memories, little moments like these make me want to reconsider. they arent your classic holiday memories, but they are funny everyday moments that you just treasure.
crap, it seems like i can make some sense of my writing, even this late at night.
being after 2am and wide awake, i now find myself up with all sorts of energy and creativity, but no motivation in which to channel it. what happens to us late at night that makes everything so alive?? once you hit a threshold of lateness, you are sort of in a zone- you just sort of get sucked in to whatever will hold your attention and though you know, you KNOW you need to sleep cause tomorrow will suck if you don't, nothing in the world seems less appealing than going to sleep. but what to do, what to do?
tonight, i chose to blog, though i dont even really have a point to this blog. usually i do. or try to at least. this one is sort of stream of consciousness. though i know that i could write this in my journal or in word and save it as "12.20.06 random late night thoughts"... to blog feels better. maybe for me, its that connection to the outside world, the thought that i am putting my very own thoughts out onto this crazy invisible connection shared by millions around the world and perhaps because its put out there, it will matter.
earlier tonight, i spent about 2 hours in target with my sister and roommate. being the geniuses we are, we drove out to target in holiday traffic (making a 15 min trip take an hour). at one point, after 30 min in traffic, i made my roommate get out of the car at a red light to grab my bag with my phone in it from the trunk. she jumped out, grabbed the bag and the minute she got back in swore and realized she had the wrong bag. so i jumped out, grabbed the other bag and just as i got back in the light turned green and i swore, we laughed, and i started the car as fast as i could.
before target, we went to get food at albertsons next to target, wasting a solid 15 min waiting for our deli clerk to make one stinking veggie sandwich. we all stood there in disbelief as she made the sandwich, chopping each ingredient, placing it all together... somehow, it seemed like time stood still, like there was no time anymore, just us, staring at the deli counter, analyzing the various lunch items, wondering if we would ever get out of there.
we then entered the shopping vortex of target. why i love target is a many faceted explanation-- an explanation of which i will tell you about if you ever go to target with me. as i try on cute sweaters in the dressing room, i will tell you i love target cause of how soft the fabric of the sweater is and its only 2o bucks. while i roam through the aisle dedicated to home fragrances and airsprays, i will tell you i love target because of its wide selection of options for home fragrance. as i peruse the bedding section, i will tell you i love target for its clean white jersey knit sheet set that is also only 20 bucks. when i find a sweet smelling candle with a funky design on the outside, i will tell you i love target for its up-to-the-minute design sensibility and reasonable pricing. as my sister and i spend 20 min looking at make-up, giggling like maniacs and talking to each other in silly voices, me with a shopping cart loaded to the brim trying to find the right eyeliner, my sister wearing the pink robe she plans on buying and telling me why i should buy blue eyeliner, i will tell you i love target because of its vast variety of products which allow funny moments between sisters to occur that are completely unplanned and totally necessary.
much earlier today, the staff went out to a surprise lunch together where we were treated to kianti's and everyone on staff got a pair of converse (my fav shoes ever). we all ate yummy pasta and shared our favorite christmas memories and traditions. at one point, i texted a friend who lived nearby and told him to bring a camera so we could remember this fun event, jokingly telling him not to ask any questions. by accident, i texted his son instead and though confused, his son left work, came all the way down to the restaraunt and was ready for whatever we needed. he had the sweetest most confused look on his face and i just loved him for it.
though i dont buy the myth/expectation that the christmas/holidays are supposed to hold all sorts of heartwarming memories, little moments like these make me want to reconsider. they arent your classic holiday memories, but they are funny everyday moments that you just treasure.
crap, it seems like i can make some sense of my writing, even this late at night.
Friday, December 15, 2006
unseen world
i drove home again late tonight. i get frustrated sometimes because i feel like driving home is so monotonous... the same scenery, the same lights, same everything. makes me restless.
tonight, the fog and rain created these insane clouds in the distance behind the normal mountains that surround where i live. mixed with the low-lying fog, it felt like another place. the mountains higher and more dramatic, dark....the fog placed low, creating new foreground... unknown. it felt like another world.
i forget there is so much more going on than i can see.
tonight, the fog and rain created these insane clouds in the distance behind the normal mountains that surround where i live. mixed with the low-lying fog, it felt like another place. the mountains higher and more dramatic, dark....the fog placed low, creating new foreground... unknown. it felt like another world.
i forget there is so much more going on than i can see.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
florence, italy
its time i told you what happened... that month in august when i got to taste the world again. these pictures have sat categorized in folders on my computer and on my flickr. its time they told some stories to you.
we began in switzerland (after a stop in london), but those arent uploaded, so you will have to go out of order....
FLORENCE- first stop in italy
we discovered this empty place in the center of town somewhere. looking down, we attempted artsyness. we were pretty proud of ourselves.
some more artsyness. they were both yelling at me for trying too hard.
this church, in the center of florence, was so big, so overwhelming, we could not seem to fit it into the frame of one shot. it was extremely intricate, the colors so unusual for a church. no one seemed to spend much time inside of it. the shadow it cast around it was refuge from the heat and its where most people in proximity to the church spent their time... in its shadow.
this is a close shot of some of the detail work on the church. its so strange, because you can't get very close to actually see much of the detail. the intense intricacy and craftmanship is evident from top to bottom of this massive structure... but you can't see it past a certain point.
this restaraunt was recommended by rick steve's, who marissa grew to hate as we went on, as we consulted him for EVERYTHING we did. he did suggest good gelato, which made us all happy. this night, in this restaraunt, me and mikey (the boy in the pic and my lovely step brother) got into an intense convo about religion. it was one of the most challenging conversations i had had in some time about my faith and it was good for me. i miss those challenges. notice the guy making the face in the background? more americans.
this pic brings back fond memories. there was a giant square in one part of town next to the uffizi gallery, which holds crazy famous art work, that has tons of restaraunts and people milling around. we wandered to this square one night after dinner and found them shooting a film or something. the main actor was really full of himself, smoking cigarettes and seeming pleased to have a crowd staring at him. he had friends in the crowd and the friends kept staring at marissa, the pretty dark haired girl in all my pics. we must have spent 70% of our time noticing guys staring at her.
we spent one evening at these bridges at the edge of the town center. i did not tweak this photo, it really is this beautiful.
i got really into taking pictures of feet on this part of the trip. perhaps the realization that we would be spending quite a lot of time on them for a better part of a month.
this was a sculpture at the edge of one of the bridges. i liked her feet.
here is her silhouette.
we began in switzerland (after a stop in london), but those arent uploaded, so you will have to go out of order....
FLORENCE- first stop in italy
we discovered this empty place in the center of town somewhere. looking down, we attempted artsyness. we were pretty proud of ourselves.
some more artsyness. they were both yelling at me for trying too hard.
this church, in the center of florence, was so big, so overwhelming, we could not seem to fit it into the frame of one shot. it was extremely intricate, the colors so unusual for a church. no one seemed to spend much time inside of it. the shadow it cast around it was refuge from the heat and its where most people in proximity to the church spent their time... in its shadow.
this is a close shot of some of the detail work on the church. its so strange, because you can't get very close to actually see much of the detail. the intense intricacy and craftmanship is evident from top to bottom of this massive structure... but you can't see it past a certain point.
this restaraunt was recommended by rick steve's, who marissa grew to hate as we went on, as we consulted him for EVERYTHING we did. he did suggest good gelato, which made us all happy. this night, in this restaraunt, me and mikey (the boy in the pic and my lovely step brother) got into an intense convo about religion. it was one of the most challenging conversations i had had in some time about my faith and it was good for me. i miss those challenges. notice the guy making the face in the background? more americans.
this pic brings back fond memories. there was a giant square in one part of town next to the uffizi gallery, which holds crazy famous art work, that has tons of restaraunts and people milling around. we wandered to this square one night after dinner and found them shooting a film or something. the main actor was really full of himself, smoking cigarettes and seeming pleased to have a crowd staring at him. he had friends in the crowd and the friends kept staring at marissa, the pretty dark haired girl in all my pics. we must have spent 70% of our time noticing guys staring at her.
we spent one evening at these bridges at the edge of the town center. i did not tweak this photo, it really is this beautiful.
i got really into taking pictures of feet on this part of the trip. perhaps the realization that we would be spending quite a lot of time on them for a better part of a month.
this was a sculpture at the edge of one of the bridges. i liked her feet.
here is her silhouette.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
the vulnerability of a leader
i have been having lots of conversation about leadership in the last few days-what are the basic fundamentals (is that too scary a word to use?) that make up a good leader? is it possible to actually sum up in a list what these basics are? as i have served in a variety of leadership settings- a local church, high school asb, college housing and student activities- i have met so many different types of leaders and seen so many different strengths that make them good. what i think makes up the best leaders, though, is the ones who are able to admit, embrace and share their weaknesses.
weakness #1:
maybe its just me as a leader, but being in a position to meet and talk with a lot of people and to even be able to learn about where they are in life (which inevitably leads to learning about where they hurt and what needs fixing), i have to battle against what some have coined "the messiah complex"... which i have found to be a common ailment among many leaders. maybe its not just leaders who suffer with it, but it seems it is definitely something they are prone to. the messiah complex (or the MC, not to be confused with the OC) leads one to believe that they can be the ever important factor that leads to anothers life being made whole again. commonly, the one who suffers from the MC does not believe they are in fact Jesus, but somehow, if they say all the right words, or act the right way, give the right resources, or just add that "right" element into the life of the one suffering, then, THEN that person will be healed, be whole again. Some have actually termed this behavior as being "codependent", but thats the pop psychology understanding of codependence. when you look at the actual psychological definition of codependeny, its not trying to fix people- it has to do with enabling their addictive behaviors. i digress.
to be candid, i am so guilty of having the messiah complex, its embarrasing to admit. its a dangerous thing, this complex, because when you allow it to seep in, you can actually convince yourself that you hold the key to fixing people and their situations. and the more people you know, the more people you talk to, the more sorrow you encounter and the more pain you come in contact with, you quickly become overwhelmed and despondent-- because the reality is, you yourself can't fix any of it, you, the mighty leader, cannot even come close. and so you want to give up.
i find myself often coming to the point of wanting to give up because of this complex and then i have to have wise people remind me that leadership is not to be done on my own strength, that i am not, in fact, Jesus. this seems too obvious, right? how can a normal human being assume the power of the one through whom all things were made? i think, though, that the delusion is a subtle one. as i said, no one with the MC actually thinks they are Jesus, just like no one who is prideful actually thinks they are God (this is assuming that when we are prideful, we are saying we want to be in charge of our lives, not God). perhaps the one who suffers with the MC takes those encouragements for us as believers to "be Jesus" to the world around us to an extreme, but with the best intentions.
6 weeks or so ago, i was going through an incredibly emotional day, being challenged and stripped of my pride, facing hard realities and feeling the weight of some of my own issues of brokeness. that same night, i had to go lead a group of leaders. though broken and sapped of my own strength, i was reminded that perhaps this was the best state in which to lead. there were no pretentions in me, there was no room for me to assume the place of "messiah" because i could barely keep my own little life together. upon arriving at the meeting, i found myself able to just listen, not to offer all my own solutions. i just let people talk, i tried to remain a part of things, not the answer to things. as we began "check in," i shared where i was and came clean about my vulnerable state. as we went around, the night evolved into an incredible time of our leaders sharing their own struggles, not simply the surface struggles, but real issues we would not have shared with just anyone. it was only the 2nd or 3rd time we had met, but the levels of intimacy we encountered that night have allowed a healthy beginning to our ministry- one that this MC-prone leader could have never dreamed up.
their were no "answers" to the issues we all laid on the table that night... there was just sense of relief and comfort in the simple act of saying those things out loud, with receiving ears hearing, and then release in all of us praying to the real Messiah and offering up our unknowns to him. i did not need to be the "strong one" who offered the right words. i did not need to have the right answers to the questions. i did not even need to say very much at all, save to be honest about my own weakness.
weakness #1:
maybe its just me as a leader, but being in a position to meet and talk with a lot of people and to even be able to learn about where they are in life (which inevitably leads to learning about where they hurt and what needs fixing), i have to battle against what some have coined "the messiah complex"... which i have found to be a common ailment among many leaders. maybe its not just leaders who suffer with it, but it seems it is definitely something they are prone to. the messiah complex (or the MC, not to be confused with the OC) leads one to believe that they can be the ever important factor that leads to anothers life being made whole again. commonly, the one who suffers from the MC does not believe they are in fact Jesus, but somehow, if they say all the right words, or act the right way, give the right resources, or just add that "right" element into the life of the one suffering, then, THEN that person will be healed, be whole again. Some have actually termed this behavior as being "codependent", but thats the pop psychology understanding of codependence. when you look at the actual psychological definition of codependeny, its not trying to fix people- it has to do with enabling their addictive behaviors. i digress.
to be candid, i am so guilty of having the messiah complex, its embarrasing to admit. its a dangerous thing, this complex, because when you allow it to seep in, you can actually convince yourself that you hold the key to fixing people and their situations. and the more people you know, the more people you talk to, the more sorrow you encounter and the more pain you come in contact with, you quickly become overwhelmed and despondent-- because the reality is, you yourself can't fix any of it, you, the mighty leader, cannot even come close. and so you want to give up.
i find myself often coming to the point of wanting to give up because of this complex and then i have to have wise people remind me that leadership is not to be done on my own strength, that i am not, in fact, Jesus. this seems too obvious, right? how can a normal human being assume the power of the one through whom all things were made? i think, though, that the delusion is a subtle one. as i said, no one with the MC actually thinks they are Jesus, just like no one who is prideful actually thinks they are God (this is assuming that when we are prideful, we are saying we want to be in charge of our lives, not God). perhaps the one who suffers with the MC takes those encouragements for us as believers to "be Jesus" to the world around us to an extreme, but with the best intentions.
6 weeks or so ago, i was going through an incredibly emotional day, being challenged and stripped of my pride, facing hard realities and feeling the weight of some of my own issues of brokeness. that same night, i had to go lead a group of leaders. though broken and sapped of my own strength, i was reminded that perhaps this was the best state in which to lead. there were no pretentions in me, there was no room for me to assume the place of "messiah" because i could barely keep my own little life together. upon arriving at the meeting, i found myself able to just listen, not to offer all my own solutions. i just let people talk, i tried to remain a part of things, not the answer to things. as we began "check in," i shared where i was and came clean about my vulnerable state. as we went around, the night evolved into an incredible time of our leaders sharing their own struggles, not simply the surface struggles, but real issues we would not have shared with just anyone. it was only the 2nd or 3rd time we had met, but the levels of intimacy we encountered that night have allowed a healthy beginning to our ministry- one that this MC-prone leader could have never dreamed up.
their were no "answers" to the issues we all laid on the table that night... there was just sense of relief and comfort in the simple act of saying those things out loud, with receiving ears hearing, and then release in all of us praying to the real Messiah and offering up our unknowns to him. i did not need to be the "strong one" who offered the right words. i did not need to have the right answers to the questions. i did not even need to say very much at all, save to be honest about my own weakness.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
i know its kind of obvious and perhaps lame...
...but there is something comforting about the blog community. i just checked my comments from my last post and then started clicking on the links of the people who commented and found out that i am listed under some of your "blog friend" lists... and it made me feel special. its like, no matter where i go or what i am doing, i have this little set of friends who read my blog and who list me as part of their blog world. i think i am somewhat of a narcissistic blogger, cause i really only blog to emote and then dont actively participate in other peoples blogs. how selfish. so i am going to attempt to enter the blog world and be an active member.
i will also be attempting to write a lot more on this thing, as its good for me. i have been thinking a lot about writing and not just that, but am actually feeling pressured/encouraged to write... people encouraging me to write, people who want to write with me, people who want me to see how writing fits into my future. its all very flattering, but also unnerving. what is it i am to write on?
i will also be attempting to write a lot more on this thing, as its good for me. i have been thinking a lot about writing and not just that, but am actually feeling pressured/encouraged to write... people encouraging me to write, people who want to write with me, people who want me to see how writing fits into my future. its all very flattering, but also unnerving. what is it i am to write on?
Sunday, November 26, 2006
alone... on purpose
i did it.
i spent the last 36 hours by myself. for your introverts, you are not impressed. for you extro's... be proud of me, cause i finally did it. i have been wanting a "personal" weekend for so long... the only other time i have done it was in italy this past summer, which was of course incredible, but also, i mean it was italy... you can do anything there.
no, this time, it was different. a bigger challenge (especially in the winter weather and in the midst of regular life), taking time away to be alone, to think, to be with my thoughts, was a feat i didnt know i could accomplish-- but i did do it and i am glad.
i feel more exhausted than i have in a LONG time and thats saying a lot, since i have recently been pretty tired in the new job/new relationship/general wear and tear of life. but this is the best kind of exhausted.
some of the observations of a day and a half alone:
my thoughts are consuming, my brain on hyperdrive so much of the time, that its like this dog gnawing a bone where the meat and flavor is all gone, but it still gnaws. time alone is exhausting, cause no one is there to stop you from gnawing.
time alone does not equal instant spiritual enlightenment, per say.... it does give you nice insights into things, good observations, time to let thoughts unfold. but its way more normal and mundane than i expected, which is a relief. i didnt know if i was capable of sustaining instant spiritual enlightment.
i LOVE being in new places, exploring new towns and new streets. its enlivening to me, i dont know if i can explain it. but i do love it so much and i got to do it a lot this weekend. walking around downtown palo alto, i felt very carrie in sex and the city. like any conversation could become a new way to see something, like possibility was everywhere, like i was capable and able and (gasp!) very comfortable on my own. there's kristin, alone, eating a yummy sandwich at pluto's. ah, there she is again, walking down the street in the rain, soaking in the atmosphere, the wind, the wet converse, the people, leaves fall, laughter. here we find her browsing borders, reading interesting things by intellectual and pop culuturally saavy people. ah, look at her sipping tea, reading her book, laughing, rubbing cold socks on cold feet, wishing for a heater. (ah, is self observation and narration narcissistic or cute?)
driving all these new places, i got lost a lot... and it made me laugh. God, in his little way, was teaching me the whole-God is in control, knows the directions, is in charge, its ok to be lost and find your way again-thing.
going to dinner alone... not as terrifying as you would think. its, well, enjoyable. you pick up on things from people, situations, much more easily. you soak things up. you worry less about silence. people looked at me with sympathy, but i just smiled, assured in eating my pasta and bread and coke on my own.
going to a movie alone... also not so bad. great, even. especially when the movie makes you think and ponder writing, life, meaning, death, fate, control. and you leave feeling empowered and stronger simply because you did something normal, totally alone.
i spent the last 36 hours by myself. for your introverts, you are not impressed. for you extro's... be proud of me, cause i finally did it. i have been wanting a "personal" weekend for so long... the only other time i have done it was in italy this past summer, which was of course incredible, but also, i mean it was italy... you can do anything there.
no, this time, it was different. a bigger challenge (especially in the winter weather and in the midst of regular life), taking time away to be alone, to think, to be with my thoughts, was a feat i didnt know i could accomplish-- but i did do it and i am glad.
i feel more exhausted than i have in a LONG time and thats saying a lot, since i have recently been pretty tired in the new job/new relationship/general wear and tear of life. but this is the best kind of exhausted.
some of the observations of a day and a half alone:
my thoughts are consuming, my brain on hyperdrive so much of the time, that its like this dog gnawing a bone where the meat and flavor is all gone, but it still gnaws. time alone is exhausting, cause no one is there to stop you from gnawing.
time alone does not equal instant spiritual enlightenment, per say.... it does give you nice insights into things, good observations, time to let thoughts unfold. but its way more normal and mundane than i expected, which is a relief. i didnt know if i was capable of sustaining instant spiritual enlightment.
i LOVE being in new places, exploring new towns and new streets. its enlivening to me, i dont know if i can explain it. but i do love it so much and i got to do it a lot this weekend. walking around downtown palo alto, i felt very carrie in sex and the city. like any conversation could become a new way to see something, like possibility was everywhere, like i was capable and able and (gasp!) very comfortable on my own. there's kristin, alone, eating a yummy sandwich at pluto's. ah, there she is again, walking down the street in the rain, soaking in the atmosphere, the wind, the wet converse, the people, leaves fall, laughter. here we find her browsing borders, reading interesting things by intellectual and pop culuturally saavy people. ah, look at her sipping tea, reading her book, laughing, rubbing cold socks on cold feet, wishing for a heater. (ah, is self observation and narration narcissistic or cute?)
driving all these new places, i got lost a lot... and it made me laugh. God, in his little way, was teaching me the whole-God is in control, knows the directions, is in charge, its ok to be lost and find your way again-thing.
going to dinner alone... not as terrifying as you would think. its, well, enjoyable. you pick up on things from people, situations, much more easily. you soak things up. you worry less about silence. people looked at me with sympathy, but i just smiled, assured in eating my pasta and bread and coke on my own.
going to a movie alone... also not so bad. great, even. especially when the movie makes you think and ponder writing, life, meaning, death, fate, control. and you leave feeling empowered and stronger simply because you did something normal, totally alone.
Friday, November 24, 2006
accepting the laziness
i am a doer. i try to fix things. i try to remain active. i try to be in constant motion. stillness feels impossible.
the last couple days, with the excuse of thanksgiving, have been incredibly lazy. to have been so motionless feels strange, but sort of intoxicating, too. not in the intoxicating where you love it and want more and are lost inside yourself in a good way. but intoxicating, like, i cant seem to snap out of it. like, i will talk myself into doing things, but what i really feel like is just laying on the couch and watching "sex and the city" (tbs edited, of course).
what i am learning more about is planned stillness. i think if i accept that i will have a still, slow day... then i am ok. but if i have even the slightest expectation of activity, or interaction or even productivity, and then i dont do anything, i hate myself for being so lazy. which is silly, everyone needs lazy times. but i think in this place i have always been, in this world with so many friends and people to distract and things to do, in the familiarity of all of it... i just expect so much.
i am also realizing that those lazy times, good or bad, feel like escape. complication, overthinking, stress, unknown, all of it... they make me want to just escape.... to find something to focus my mind on which is not so overwhelming. so i find little things, fixed periods of time, where i can just not think.
i talked with some girls the other night about alcoholism and what an escape addiction is. how over-indulging in drinking, drugs, sex, food, work-- can become escapes when we cant cope with trauma or even just cope with life. i think as i enter into this real adult world, and as i grow and experience adult pain and adult decisions (because whether i like it or not, i am an adult), i am beginning to understand so much more about the escape plans. like, i could rationalize them before, i understood logically why they were there and why people planned them and took them... but the motivation, the raw emotion of it, the clawing desperation to be away from whatever is causing the need for escape... i am just getting to touch on. feeling the corners of it. peer over the edge.
whats the balance between laziness and escapism? to be sure, no one can remain "on" all the time. but i dont want to get lost in the escape either... as always, the need to understand balance remains. but i done dwelling on that for now, carrie bradshaw calls....
the last couple days, with the excuse of thanksgiving, have been incredibly lazy. to have been so motionless feels strange, but sort of intoxicating, too. not in the intoxicating where you love it and want more and are lost inside yourself in a good way. but intoxicating, like, i cant seem to snap out of it. like, i will talk myself into doing things, but what i really feel like is just laying on the couch and watching "sex and the city" (tbs edited, of course).
what i am learning more about is planned stillness. i think if i accept that i will have a still, slow day... then i am ok. but if i have even the slightest expectation of activity, or interaction or even productivity, and then i dont do anything, i hate myself for being so lazy. which is silly, everyone needs lazy times. but i think in this place i have always been, in this world with so many friends and people to distract and things to do, in the familiarity of all of it... i just expect so much.
i am also realizing that those lazy times, good or bad, feel like escape. complication, overthinking, stress, unknown, all of it... they make me want to just escape.... to find something to focus my mind on which is not so overwhelming. so i find little things, fixed periods of time, where i can just not think.
i talked with some girls the other night about alcoholism and what an escape addiction is. how over-indulging in drinking, drugs, sex, food, work-- can become escapes when we cant cope with trauma or even just cope with life. i think as i enter into this real adult world, and as i grow and experience adult pain and adult decisions (because whether i like it or not, i am an adult), i am beginning to understand so much more about the escape plans. like, i could rationalize them before, i understood logically why they were there and why people planned them and took them... but the motivation, the raw emotion of it, the clawing desperation to be away from whatever is causing the need for escape... i am just getting to touch on. feeling the corners of it. peer over the edge.
whats the balance between laziness and escapism? to be sure, no one can remain "on" all the time. but i dont want to get lost in the escape either... as always, the need to understand balance remains. but i done dwelling on that for now, carrie bradshaw calls....
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